LOVE
WHAT a fun night!!
Oh wow
Love it here with emily/
AFter hugs and catch up we went over to her friends, Thomas and Matt.
WHERE I WAS TAKEN TO THEIR litter of the cutest little puppies.. and then to their goats..
and then we road on the Polaris/4 wheeler...
THEN went swimming in the pond.. where i got to play and swim and tread and bond and try to catch the animals in the water (i was convinced the bubbles that were appearing in the latke/pond were animals below EVEN tho they assured me the bubbles were just THERE) ...Looking for the Loch Ness Monster.. or other lake/pond creatures..
Later... we were just chillin.. Matt playing banjo.. Thomas playing video games.. and then the wine came
I am bad with drinks.. i drink .. i dont "sip" or "nurse" my drink.. mine was gone in a matter of 5 seconds.. OOPS
so for the rest of hte night i was in this pretty haze.. laughing.. wondering out loud.. watching the passionate sex scene from MR. and Mrs. Smith
and then
all of a sudden
"ALL RIGHT! ITS TIME!"
we went back out on the 4-wheeler for who knows HOW long of intense fun.. i was in hte back sitting on a board in between 2 guys (so i wouldnt fly out) GRAPSING on for dear life to the poles and bars in front of me.. trying to judge when to lift my bum during the huge dips and crevices..
and we stopped a few times.. to let the engine cool.. just chatting.. shooting the breeze.. going on and on abour random.. LOVE it.. miss it.. need it..

Happy?

Found an article..
i was sad
so i searched how to be happy

1. "The happiest people spend the least time alone. They pursue personal growth and intimacy; they judge themselves by their own yardsticks, never against what others do or have."

SPEND THE LEAST TIME ALONE
in a way, yes thats what i want. I want friends. I want family. I want to be surrounded by those that make me happy.
yet, alone time is essential too.. to clear your head.. to listen to your own music.. to float away...

2. "Life satisfaction occurs most often when people are engaged in absorbing activities that cause them to forget themselves, lose track of time and stop worrying."

Which can be found when I am kayaking... engaged in Wii (Yay for Wii Sports!)... sleeping.. laying with JP... jumping on a trampoline.. board games.. laughing with friends.. hookah.. N64 tournaments.. cooking/baking.. waitressing tables (unless the occasional nasty customer comes along)
books.. i cant even read them very well anymore-in terms that i get ansy.. feel as though i need to be DOING... not just reading

3. "Gratitude has a lot to do with life satisfaction, psychologists say. Talking and writing about what they're grateful for amplifies adults' happiness, new studies show."

I think i do need to make a new list of things i am grateful for.. I know i did that A LOT in treatment.. but its about time for a new one...

ALSO, from 7 Lessons Kids Can Teach Us
LIVINg IN THE PRESENT..
which i am not so good at.. i will admit..
I want to be like a kid again.. live IN THE MOMENT.. not always wanting to know whats next.. and i do tend to hang onto things much too long.. like when JP would yell at me or whatnot for driivng weird or not paying attention to something or crying too much.. I help onto his anger for awhile.. ruminating.. and less than 10 minutes later hed talk to me as though nothing had happened...

SINGLE FOCUS WHILE DOING THINGS
When you are doing something do it,,,, dont overwhelm with all the things you need to do

USE IMAGINATION
Sometimes... I am too good at that

ALWAYS JOYFUL
finding joy in little things.. when i am happy.. in a good mood I am able to do that.. but i find its hard to take pleasure in the little things when there is a dark cloud over my head.. or when i am in that Over-analyze phase/fit.. its hard to snap back out

ABSOLUTE FAITH IN GETTING WISHES FULLFILLED
once again.. I am this too,.. but hesitation lingers.. beacuse I have been there before.. have been crushed before when hopes and wishes were up..

INHERENT GOOD IN OTHERS..
i do beleive that.. yes.. which does get me into trouble sometimes.. but makes for happier interactions until/if that time comes!
\


Well..
now I am off to Emily.. my best friend down in Alabama.. a much needed time... jumping on her trampoline.. laughing.. hookah.. friends.. beautiful room with paint splatters covering the entire wall, floor and ceiling.. "working" with her at her hardware store
and hten home Wednesda night
and then.. JP..

:(
Im sad
missing him
hating that its a 3 day weekend which means even more wait until i get word back from anyone on a job
im going to Emilys tomorrow for a few days.. excited, yes. but yet that stupid boy wont get out of my head.

I went kayakin with my parents this morning.. loved it!
lots of big fish.. and a fisherman yelled at us even though we made a huge effort to get out of his way.
i love my dad
hes such a dork
just like me
but i miss friends

and why cant i just relax and enjoy what i have now? the no job.. the freedom.. the not having to pay rent (though I do have to pay for my own food much of hte time-even wehn i go with my mom to the grocery store)

and i have been trying soo hard
for soo long
and havent gotten any better.. smaller...
and yet i see everyone around me eating eating eating and no change.. no gain..

i thought i was doing so well..

There is a job in Phoenix that was just posted on the AZA website.. at the Phoenix Zoo.. as the Sleepover Staff.. hosting the parties and whatnot that sleep over at the zoo...
imagine that..
would LOVE it

BUT HE WONT LEAVE MY HEAD
EVERYTHING I DO everything i think.. he is there.. he is factored in.. "I want to take him here on the kayak.. he would LOVE it.." "I wonder if he would move with me to Phoenix.. or just visit.."
I mean, we are taking a break from "living together 24/7"
but how else is the future going to be?
If we DO marry.. wont we be like that?
Yes we will both (hopefully) be working and see each other at nights..
but he was GONE for most of the time during the summer.. and when he was home i was working..

i dont know
i dont know
and i keep spending more and more time with my dad... wishing that i could find someone more like him...
Dorky.. will drink wine at night with me.. is up for adventure almost anytime.. is silly/stupid but doesnt care..

i dont know i dont know i dont know

but i feel like crying when i think of how long it will take for me to get to him..

Soooo
tings are slow
life is slow
i do NOT like not having a job
piddling around..
treadmill every morning.. the dreaded 45 minutes..
then tinker around a little more.. dabble with the Wii... run errands with my mom while she talks to herself and yells at the drivers around her and buys 5 million things at the grocery store and uses the self checkout swearing every few seconds beceause it tells her to do something..
then kayak
my favorite time
out there on the water.. soo calm.. soo flat.. soo beautiful.. dont really want to come in at the end of the day.. but i know Dads coming home :)
and then dinner
and i love my daddy
i am most definatly his child
and my mom starts drinking at 5 or so and continues til late and she cant even find the ash tray for her cigarettes..

and then everything i think.. everything i do.. he is factored in somehow
its sooo frustrating
i find a potential job
then automatically
"i wonder if it is a place he could live.. he could visit.. what would he do... is there enough for him around there?"
no matter what the answer is i usualy apply anyway

mom and dad want me to go back to school
they also want me to stay at home with them
sorry...

I just want a kitty and a job and to be with JP
or to travel
why not?
my dad did it for 3 months with his best friend down in South America
why cant i follow in his tracks?
It doesnt even have to be 3 months..

Oh
and went into Wal-Mart for the first time in 4 months
never again
i am totally over it
and ESPECIALLY after viewing
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
i keep looking for those people.. hoping people arent taking pictures of me
America....

Amazing day

beautiful day

blazing sun out on the Savannah river... not a soul in sight... i was chasing fish.. they were skittering out in front of the kayak trying to get out of the way.. many many Great Blue Herons..

on the way back, I was found a little alcove that i went in to explore... tall tall reeds all around.. and i found a little path in the weeds big enough for a kayak (though i pretended it was for an alligator) and i came to this little "lake" in hte middle of the tall tall reeds

just imagine...
laying back in your kayak.. Greatful Dead's "Ripple" softly playing in your headphones.. Georgia sun warming your face... dragon flies and butterflies landing on you and flittering about in front of your eyes.. mystical-hair-like seaweed all around you... the occasional flower floating in the water..

LOVE

now back to home.. more job hunting.. soul searching.. dream catching..

Indonesia is looking more nad more interesting.. tantalizing..
why not?