NO idea what I am going to do with the rest of my time..
We are leaving around or before the last of the month.
I am slightly sad about that.
I have grown used to this place... to playing with Jay at work.. shes my favorite person on the island... running around catering to tables.. walking up that hill... our little home..
And when we get back.. what next?
Neither of us have solid plans
I have the opportunity to work in Hendersonville and maybe tkae over the business... but that terrifies me.. stuck in a small town.. tho there is no better small town to be stuck in really... and i LOVE the studio.. and I would get to work my own hours.. but i dont know about being married to a business.. money issues.. responsibility.. scares me..
Working at a zoo..
i want to soo bad
even be a zookeeper.
IMAGINE THAT!
and i cant decide where I want to live,... how to find a job overseas... how to find a job thats LEGITIMATE and all that overseas.. how to become an art teacher and what i need to do in order to become one...
Portland?
Asheville?
Somewhere theres an interesting job?
will JP follow me?
will he go on the AT trail for months or do one of those wilderness jobs where I will never see him anyways?

but JP?
What about him?
Hes going back to his home
im going to mine,
and then...

he claims he is going to marry me within 5 years..
but i dont deal well with not knowing what to expect in the future.
yes i love living in different places
i love the novelty.. the variety..

I bought a vibrator
HA!
It was Heathers idea.
a simple, short-term solution

i feel naughty
i feel empowered
i am excited
but it wont get here for awhile


i have nightmares about work.. daymares..
the past 2 days have been horrible..
Thursday i caled in before 10, cuz usually i have to cover this other girls shift.. they said no, they didnt need me.
I made plans to help JP pack for his 3 day with 6 people
we got all the way out to Baller Hill where we had limited reception..
I got the call
plans canceled
i was pissed
JP was pissed
I worked all day. exhausted.. wanting to be anywhere but there

Thursday night was beautiful
i was energetic
happy
excited
we went drinking.. I am a one hit wonder.. so one got mee through from 7:45 til midnight or whenever we went home.
i was playing ping pong with others... i got to play with JP and Chris... etc etc.
i was truly happy
except he passed out AS SOON as we got home

Friday i got the call at 7am saying i was late and was supposed to eb in at 6:30.
My shift was switched
JP couldnt take me cuz he wasnt awake yet and needed to be somehwere to pick up his people at a certain time and i was supposed to drop him off but now i couldnt
so i half ran down the road the entire half hour half crying too scared to stick out my thumb to hitchhike..
i made it
they said it was no big deal
TJ said he couldnt finish the day
so i finished it for him
nearly breaking down a few more times..

havent found the beauty in my breakdown
FrouFrou.. their song.. it MAY be true.. maybe the beauty is coming

last night i fell asleep at 7:15.. woke up for a phone call from JP at 9 and fell back asleep at 9:30...

i needed that
me time
sleep time
and
my purchase..
(:

Too long.. too long..
our internet that we were mooching off of disappeared... so i am estranged from anything and everything out there now.. especially when he is gone.
and i still let the image I see.. either in the mirror.. when i look down.. the feel of my arms.. the feel of my thighs brushing..
ruin
rule
dictate
my day
my mood
my eating

And i wonder sometimes if he is with me out of convenience and availability or out of LOVE
and im too scared to DO anything about it
I do talk to more people about things
the 2 guys JP and I hang out with... are so nice to me.,, include me.. visit me at work..
last night we went to eat... where JP declared he hadnt eaten or had any drink on his 2 day kayak trip except for like 5 ravioli, a cup of lemonade and a cup of fruit punch
I WAS going to eat dinner with him (and Chris who was with us)
but once he said that
it burst
i went though all the crap i ate
looked down..
etc etc. etc. compared the energy he expended to what i did..
and i couldnt eat the pizza.. though Chris, once he found out that i dont really like pizza that much anyway except the crust, would slip his crust on my plate
and then we went to play pool.
I am better when we go to Herbs because there are a lot more poeple there.. people with character.. and its one room.. so you are force to see.. to look.. etc. you are on display.
Whereas at the other place, The China Pearl Lounge.. its in a dark upstairs joint the pool tables are in a semi-separate room from the other area which has foose ball and ping pong. but NO ONE Goes there
so i just meander around the pool table room.. sit on the couch.. text.. chitchat with James while JP goes on and does his thing
ANYWAY
after each of the 3 games they played i kept going up to JP saying, :Next time i want to play too. lets play cut throat"
never happened
he played against this old guy ina wheelchair.. who kept grappling my bum and getting soo close to my thigh.. JP laughed.. i did not know what to do! yes.. he was drunk.. yes he did not necessarily MEAN anything.. but wow did i feel uncomfortable.
then we went on a snowy adventure that relusted in me falling blissfully alseep at 2 :30 am nly to wake 2 hours later to work

work is ridiculous lately..
either super busy..
or super slow
i over-exert myself too... mop the floor (no one else does) sweep the floor (the rest just run the vacuum over it) etc. etc.
and then i walk home
and though i do and do and do
and exhaust myself beyond everything
and cut back on foodstuffs
i am no smaller
i feel no lighter
i am no happier

JP was really happy the other night though.
we went to the Pearl.
i was waiting for more people to show up so that i could entice someone in a game of Pingpong or Foose ball.. hinting to JP that i would love to join in aon a game of pool if he could..
but my freind from work, TJ called and had me come over to Herbs
QUITE the different scene there... crowded with drunks and crazies.. the other guy from my work was there drunkely falling off the bar stoool mumbling to me about things.. things he says at work all the time..
I played pool with a guy... i didnt really MEAN to.. i got sucked in.. But it was fun. I liked to hear the clanking of the balls. I was horrible
but i laughed
he kept putting his hands on my back.. leaning in to hear me talk.. getting close..
i wasnt sure if i liked it or not..
i left after that game, to go back to the Pearl, hoping for a hug or a smile or some sort of welcome from JP.
TJ followed me
as soon as we opened hte doors, i saw him playing a enlivened game of Ping Pong with some girl, a new guide for Crystal Seas.
it hurt.
he was so happy
he was laughing
he didnt even really acknowledge me.
i wasn't going to drink
buit after that i did.. and almost cried.. Chris knew something was up.. he knows-sees the frustrations i have.. he is somewhat more perceptive than JP is.. and sees the difference in energy levels.. and how i am left out.. he tires for me..
and to get me to smile again he agreed to play foose ball with me :)
later that night, after he agreed that we were going to leave he was making his rounds to say goodbye
and then i realized he was there on the couch with that girl all over him. He was smiling like a goon.
Needless to say
i was jelous, sad, upset, irritated,.,, but i cant be the jealous bitch to go up to them and do something about it.. until i got fed up.. wandered up and told him that i would meet him in the car and take a nap.. he could take his time..
he knew what i saw by the smile n his face.. the way he rubbed his chin.. pretending to contemplate

whatever
i need to... change? ...
in terms of not be such a crybaby.. not be such a spoil sport.. if i am left out of conversations.. DO something.. dont just sit there getting sadder and sadder
and when i come back from work, exhausted but ready to NOT lay down.. ready to DO.. to play.. to go out.. only to find him laying down... eyes closed.. sighing as though hes at the lowest point in his life.. or sitting up, back to me, curled over so his head is on his knees.
how can i be happy when he acts like that all the time?

TJ.. Chris.. James.. Carrie.. even Jack.. and Jay too.... have all been my saving graces.. they talk.. they include me.. make me feel appreciated.. fun.. like hte old me...
and then JP is
JP

Jusby and I.. :) LOVE the nosE!


ACTION SHOT... He climbed up the last time.. withOUT a rope..










And this is the one
the one that popped my happiness.. i dont look

I knew it wouldn't last.
The happy..
but its not even anything OUTSIDE of me that happened
well.
it was a picture
that brought me down.. that burst my bubble.
But its soo weird..
My clothes either fit now or are too big. I am constantly pulling up my pants or whatnot
but
i am stilll NOT what i look like
the scar is still showing.. as always.. creating that pouf..
never will i be anywhere near anyone else...

but

on the other hand
the past 2 days have been quite amazing.
Wednesday, Jusby got ahold of me!
I thought they were leaving. so i pulled a double-shifter. and they came to visit me
and so did JP and JAmes
and then a small fiasco occurred.. which was redeemable in a way.
acceptable.. or at least expected.
but then i got to go for a ride with Jusby and his family for awhile around the island.
It was good.
It was pure
i was happy... though there was a small nagging in my mind.. of wanting to be back safe in my bed
but i fought it and focused on our watching.. observing.. talking..
they are such beautiful people. :)
I wish i would have visted them in December when i thought i would.
I want a family someday

And that night JP held me all night long.. every time i woke, we were intwined.
it was beautiful

Yesterday I went ROCK CLIMBiNG!!
I was nervous
it was COLD
and i knew there would be 3 of us
meaning third wheel
which is usually me when it comes to fun things
(or James when it comes to hugging/etc)
but we went thought with it
Took a bit of a hit before we left the house which left me flying high all day long.
AND DID'NT YA KNOW IT!?! JUSBY WAS IN LINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!
so i got to spend the ferry ride engrossed in good clean fun
Thomas Cards and Leapin Lizards and War

I LOVED climbing
so much
and i fet that nagging come in whenever they were both sitting
"IF YOUR JUST GOING TO SIT THER, ROPE ME IN AND LET ME PLAY!"
i wanted to say
i got to go up twice :)
I scaled that thing
i WANTED it
i was scared a few times,
but then i kept saying to myself "I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS:"
and i sucked it up and prayed my foot/hands wouldn't slip
i felt alive
out there.. in the fresh air. moving.. putting in effort.. the view was breathtaking
pictures could not even BEGIN to catch its beauty
and then we went to the bars and i only had one drink so i could drive us home (but i was still flying a bit.. so it made for an interesting ride home-ESPECIALLY since the Garmin GPS took me a different way than the way we came which included back roads and windy turns..)
even though i aws slightly pissed that i always have to be the DD.. and i dnt like driving in the first place. especially at night (since the car accident a couple years ago headlights coming at me stilll have an affect on me) and after a glass of wine... and fling..

Fuck food
thats all i have to say
and those who don't eat

and the fact i dont get to paddle in the place that is the most beautiful
when everyone i am around (JP and his fellow Crystal Seas-ers)
kayak
talk about all they went through
the fascinating
the fun
the hard
the harsh
the blah
the blah

and me
nothign
yea
i worked
all those days
thats it
worked
waiterss
wow
how exciting..

i dont look any smaller
dont feel any smaller
nope
Im trying so hard
but nothings working

Basically things have not been going so well.
So I have been devoting my time to scouring hte internet for things to make me smile
here is a sampler




cute. quite clever too...


LOVE his faceeeeeee


The Art of Hotel Bed Jumping...
i want to jump that high...