Wow.
okay
i dont even remember the last time i had time to write..
I was supposed to have from Monday-Thursday off.. which made me sad.. but each morning one of my co-workers would call me at 5:15 asking me to cover her shift.. or to get in there utnil she could take over..
That never started my days off well.. If she would have called the day BEFORE i could have prepared-sleep wise.. and gotten up in time to walk.. not RUN or have JP feel guilty so he would get up and drop me off.
But good money in tips..a nd am up to 52 hours which isnt bad when i was only scheduled so far for 29 hours, so extra hours=extra money AND more tips AND more people to talk with.
Though i do feel bad leaving JP with nothing to do
but even if i was there, what would we do?

food has been getting more frustrating to deal with. I feel as though i snack snack snack.. and always want to eat.. the comfort.. the pleasure.. the taste.. the crunch... the warmth..
the richness of the strawberry flavor in the smoothies.. with a drizzle of chocolate and a dab of whipped cream.. only enough left over for a shot glass.. or a frozen blended mocha, in a shot glass.. coupled with dizzying brain freezes.. throwing away food that people dont touch or barely eat is hard for me cuz i AM hungry.. but all i can manage is the leftovers from the blender.. because thats OK.. its nto a real meal.. its not someone elses half eaten stuff.. its MINE.
and then i get home and tempted by chips or Wheat Thins or Marshmallows.. cuz the chips and wheat thins are so powerful.. engulfing my taste buds with delicious flavor.. and the satisfying crunch.. the salty flavor leftover on my fingers as i franticly lick them off-trying to put the bag away.. and the marshmallows. so fluffy.. so PURE.. (though they really are no where NEAR Pure.. but to me. they are..)

and then cooking. I want to cook for JP, but i made Jambalaya from a box one time and he declared it too spicy (i had added a tad of Zatamarans. cuz i thought it needed a little extra something. I though it was DELICIOUS. but as soon as he said that, i felt torn between throwing the rest away and gorging myself on the rest of it. I saved it and threw it away the next day. THen came the chicken and rice.. he mentioned it was too (??) i forgot, but i messed up again. and i made him some hot chocolate for taking me to work.. it was "too watery".. and last night i wanted to cook for him again.. attempt to make something GOOD for once.. Alfredo from a a bag.. i forgot what its called, but im sure you've seen them. Of course, i couldn't just have it be from the bag, so i added some real parmesan, and this time it tasted "Weird"
shot down again
but he tried so hard to save himself.. going on and on as he was eating, "Did you go to Culinary school?... I need seconds I cant let this deliciousness go to waste... the Queen of the kitchen.." blah blah blah..
but the damage was done
because when you have an eating disorder, or at least MY eating disorder, MY COOKING for you is my loving of you. Its how i show love.. how i thank people.. and if I mess up every time then what good am i?
granted.. they were not BIG mess ups, but they still were losses.



BUT BUT BIUT
JACK OLESKER CAME IN AND I GOT TO SERVE HIM!
he actually came in with this really cute New Zeleander who was vegan so helped tailor his order so he could eat it.. my co-worker (whose gay) and i were talking about this New Zeleander and lalala
and then i went back and the older man started asking me if i ever slept with a care bear.. I was thining, WHAT kind of question is thaT?
ESPECIALLY because his first reaction to me coming to his table was, "Wowie! I dont need coffee this morning! I just need you as my waitress. Thank you for brightening my day!"
yea... so i was unsure of what he was getting at.
It turns out that HE wrote for Care Bears, Heidi, the Popples, Inspector Gadget, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, He-Man.. the Littles.. Rainbow Bright.. and he CREATED Mighty Morphin Power Rangers..
he worked on the screenplay for many disney movies, thumbilina, pocahauntus, little mermaid, etc.
I did not beleive him, but he peppered me with trivia and serenaded me theme songs to all of the above tv shows and movies..
I wrote his name down and looked it up when i got home and he is LEGIT.. face, name, claims to all he did..
I find that people like that, I admire more than any star out there. He is hte brains. HE CREATED kids heros.. kids fantasies.. imagine what kids world would be like without Care Bears,,, or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers..
i tried to buy his breakfast, but he wouldnt have it.
anyway :)
that was my excitement for the year.

WE made it!
I do love this location.. theres a window in front of the bed that looks over the Olympic Mountains (you do have to kind of look inbetween the trees)
and i woke up to a bunny outside my window..
BUT
the man who rented it to us.. I dont know if it is because he wasn't sure we were going to take it or not (we met with him for 15 minutes before he left to go to Mt Rainier then Europe) but the place is quite dirty.. IT could be just that he is a male.. an outdoorsy male.. that is used to camping...
but the fridge.. the stove.. the floor.. the windows.. the mirrors.. all need help..
ANd there is no cleaning liquids.. nor are there paper towels actually.

But
I still love it..
even though I did have to get up to go to the bathroom twice in the middle of hte night.. blindingly trying to find my way to the trailer outside and since the lights in the trailer don't work either;.. trying to navigate through the narrow space to the bathroom..
the "trailer" reminds me of my old boat.. Bongos :)

so i am going to have my work cut out for me.. CLEANING! i actually DO like cleaning.. i lke seeing the progress i make.. :)

and i ran into the owner of my workplace again yesterday.. JP and i were going to catch some Mexican food (but hte kitchen was closeD) and she was telling us that her friend missed the 8pm ferry.. couldnt get on the 9:45 ferry, nor the 10:55 ferry.. and was on wait for the 4 am ferry...
SO.. beginning of 4th of July weekend and the ferries are backed up nearly 4 ferries.. I dont know how many ferries there are between the 10:55 one and the 4 am one..
And she said she was talking to the manager of Dos Diablos and heard i was inquiring about a job.. I got nervous that she would get upset, or mad that i was trying to apply for another job somewhere, but she assured me that she said i was the best worker.. hardest worker.. cutest worker and enjoyed it the most.
I guess thats a good thing.
I will drop off my resume today on my way to work.

So we got the house on the "mountain"
We also went to see the sunset last night (pictures later.. my computers too slow to get them on now..) down on the West Side.. OOhh wow..
We even saw fireworks over across the water in Victoria!! (Canada Day was yesterday)
breathtaking..,
once again.. views of Olympic Mountains.. then up to Victoria.. Vancouver island.. plus some of the san juan islands nearby.. the water and the sky changed.. morphed colors.. simotanesouly.. one side was soft blues. purples.. the other was vivid, bright oranges and reds..

And the day before I dragged him off to Lime Kiln with me.. Such jagged rocks along the shore!! Good thing theres a lighthouse!
there was a group of tourists that were chatting excitedly.. i moved in closer as they were scanning an area with their binoculars.. they saw an ORCA!! I peered closer
it was a bunch of kelp floating a ways off shore.
poor things
He climbed up some big rocks.. bouldering.. I had flip flops.. so my attempts literally flopped..
oh well
we go back again when i have shoes that work

Work.. now it has gone down to only Firday-Sunday :(
I was sad.. started picking up applications and whatnot.. and then ran into the lady that owns Church hill (and the local bar, Herbs) at Herbs.. i told her my delima.. nonchalantly.. and she got quite confused.. "You ONLY work 3 days a week? You shouldnt have to get another job.."
and it ended up she bought JP and i a drink... yet i still dont know if she is going to try to get me more hours.. if i should try to get myself more hours.. or if i should get another job.. for variety..

ANYWAY.. picking up a shift today.. and then moving in later tonight :)

I got the call today.. from ChildHaven..
No Job.
They found someone else
and it doesnt matter that I was thinking of not taking the job..
I hadnt necessarily blocked it out of my mind
but
i really needed that affirmation
that i can work with kids
that i can get a real job
that i can function in society
that i can be "mainstream"

apparently not

reject after reject after reject.
Maybe working with kids is not for me after all..
what now?

Oh wow... we went down to Cattle Point last night after dinner..
(of course i got frustrated cuz i had told him we should go earlier.. but no.. he wanted to go at 7:45 at night..)
but thats okay
it was amazing
I am glad we went
and would recommend it to everyone..
I dont know if it is the TIME we went (nearing sunset) or the fact we hadnt done much since i got off work except watch a documentary..
But
we saw Foxes (foxi).. some were dark brownish black with a little white tuft at the end.. and then a scrawny bronze colored one.. and deer right at the side of the road and frolicking in the fields of dull tan grass.. a bald eagle perched on the edge of the rocky ledge peering down at the water looking for his dinner.. bunnies skiddaddling around away from the road..
and there were trails.. with spit bugs leftvovers along the side of the trail.. blackberry bushes turned to feilds of tall wheat type grass blowing and bending in the breeze.. with little rocks jutting up from the ground.. as you got closer to the sea, rocky legdges emerged.. the sea was vast and blue.. Olympic Peninsula on straight ahead... Canada to the right.. Victoria and BC.. down by the lighthouse you could also see Lopez Island.. pictures could NOT take in how breathtaking it was.. atleast for me.. the rush of the sea as it broke against the rocks below.. with a little cove off to one side (Grandma's Cove) with its mildly rocky beach and ivory white driftwood.. the other side was more rocky ledges, with a little clan of sea birds crowded around in a circle in the water.. JP said that usually when birds clump together like that you will likely see a Minke Whale.. because they feed on the same thing and if the birds found it, the Whale is soon to track it down..
I was happy.
EXCEPT my camera ran out of batteries.. :(
and i could get no picture of the eagle.. or the spit bugs.. or the veiw.. or Canada.. or the black and orange stripped bugs making love on the trail.. the bunnies.. and later the sunset..

Documentary #1
Bigger Stonger FAster
It was about steroid use in America.. body builders and their use.. as well as branching out to Olympic Atheletes.. Gym rats.. how Tiger Woods "cheateD" by getting Lasik Surgery to get his vision to 20/10 ... its neither pro- nor anti- steroids.. just gives both sides of the story in a pretty fair view.. Floyd Landis slept in an altitude chamber in order to provide him with more white (or red i forgot) blood cells so that he could function better when the Tour De France came and he won.. but was stripped of his title.. he also touches on Hulk Hogan.. but mostly Arnold Scrawzenegger, Sylvester Stalone and the like.. i never would have chosen this, thats for sure.. body builders make me cringe.. i dont think they look good AT ALL.. and they even had the man with the biggest biceps ever.. I was appalled..

Documentary #2
Ghosts of Cite Soleil
An interesting, intense look at Haiti in 2004.. how the president paid/hired local gangs to beat up/get rid of/smash local anti0government groups and protesters.. guns.. everyone had guns.. kids were running around with no clothes.. in the dirty streets.. there was gangster/rap music all over.. guns guns guns.. heavy rap influence.. Wycleaf Jean was even in it.. talking to one of the gang leaders.. I cringed a few times at the sight.. its quite humbling


We got a day off together.. we were going to go to Orcas island to explore.. but got sidetracked last night when we went to check out this new opportunity.. a cute little house up on the "mountain" with a view.. lots of free space.. it made me dream hapy.. but i dont know if we are goign to go there.. and if we do.. will it allow for my happyness?

Things have been pretty smooth sailing.. The only time i have cried in the past 3 days was at work..
and it was because of many mini-mistakes.. like forgetting to ask what kind of bread for their toast or what cheese for their omelet and having the cook-lady remind me that every time i go back to the customers to ask something it makes me look bad.. and gets on their nerves.. and I was working the 11 hour shift.. and spilt water on the table, coming quite close to this nice mans computer (we had a nice, pleasant, joking conversation earlier.. we BONDED.. and then i nearly broke his computer) and i couldn't find the credit card slip so i freaked out and started going through all the garbage trying to see through the blur of my tears... and still had to ring up my customers because the other waitress refused to deal with them because she is not a people person and didnt know what they ordered.. so i had to ring up 2 sets of customers with tears streaming down my face and i couldnt even talk.. and to make it worse i kept giving back the wrong change...
UNTIL i realized it was on the other side of the table where the man with the computer was..
and i went into the bathroom and cried for a good 10 minutes
and i was fine
relieved..

and I still crave all kinds of delicious... and flavorful chips.. and munch on all kinds of things.. (a small handful of cheese here and there at work,.. the leftovers of smoothies with a generous portion of whipped cream.. 3 gummi worms here.. 4 mike and ikes there.. a pinchful of broken tortilla chips there... etc.) but no MEALS... so therefore my mind is overwhelmed with the VASTNESS of what i ate.. and have no idea of the actual QUANTITY because i focus on HOW many DIFFERENT.. blowing it out of proportion.

The documentaries are going GREAT.
i suppose..
though most of hte movies we rent he watches while i am at work.. or i fall asleep during because i am so tired..
and then wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning to mosey off to work..

We watched one on Ingrid Newkrik and Peta.. wow.. some of the images in that are quite disturbing.. I had to divert my eyes.. and the extremes Peta goes to get their message across.. which only makes everyone appalled at them.. NOT necessarily listening to their message, but writing them off as crazy or whatnot.
We watched quite a few on Mt Everest and different adventures up there...
Wetbacks making it from down in South America.. Guatamala and whatnot.. swimming across the water to get to the US and the crazy farmers that live nearby that wait in the bushes with guns and radios to call in the PoPo..
Che Guevara.. what an interesting man.. and to me, seems to be a morphing of a REALLY cute/hot guy.. and a neandrathal.. we followed him through his time in medical school where he traveled around witnessing the extreme poverty.. decided to do something about the fact that it was a result of the government, capitalism, imperialism.. became a revolutionary.. with guerilla tactics... i dont really remember a whole lot because to tell you the truth i fell asleep about 45 minutes into it and woke up with 30 minutes left.. where his little troop was down to like 7.. and then they split up.. and then they were caught.. and though we wanted to take him alive,, word was sent from the cuban government to have him killed right then and there.. claiming he was killed due to battle wounds.. so they shot him.. and then the famous photo was taken.. and his quest "for new man" driven by "moral" rather than "material" incentives,
and more..
oh..
and Captain Ron.. and The Gods Must Be Crazy..
oldies but goodies..


and i had a stalker.. followed me home.. came into the house.. i didnt invite him in and he proceeded to sit on the bed,.. asking me over and over what i liked to do for fun...agreeing completely wiht everything i said, even if i contradicted myself 3 statements later.. and kept asking why i wouldn't sit down by him.. asking him why i was so far away.. but it was okay because he didnt mind watching me where i was.... i was seriously a little scared... how would i get him to leave?
I finally said.. in a stern voice.. "I AM GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER" ... and his eyes glowed.. and he got the message.. and backed away and slowly made his way out.. with the awkward door moment where he hung in the doorway for awhile, b.s.ing.. slowly moving back in the house.. I shut the door.

nightmares came again.. SO vivid.. SO real..

and the acoustic guitar man is my friend on facebook.. and i see him every once in awhile.. beautiful voice.. quite cute.. and i learned lives less than 50 feet from me.. and is Shay's friend (Shay is the son of the people i live with)
but still havent said a word to him in person (shy me) though we have exchanged some interesting emails.. :)

and the guy at the bar that JP scared away.. I see him from time to time as im walking.. he still calls me gorgeous.. asks "Wheres your boyfriend? Why do you have to walk around alone all the time?"..

i am too easily entranced by people... perplexed.. transfixed.. confused.. tantalized. all and everything..