I keep careening back and forth in decisions..
.. I think i can make it happen here..
... what am i ever going to do for fun here?... can i actually make friends with the people here? Every time I say hello to a passerby they barely acknowledge me. The tourists do. I can hit it up with the tourists.. but as far as locals.. no response-positive or negative..
.. but once things start kicking.. i will be busy... right? too busy to do too much.. working at the coffee shop place from 6:30-1 and then the Convalescent Center from 2-10.. see.. no time! busy busy busy! doing doing doing!
right?

or move off to seattle.. which PART of me wants.. but I do think i would miss him.. a lot.. he is my world.. and each other is all we have pretty much

We went out with 2 older ladies last night.. he gave them his phone number when he was out on one trip.. they were looking for some fun and singled him out as someone that would be fun to hang out with.. he is known for older ladies being attracted to him.. so you can imagine how excited i was to go.. ESPECIALLY since he didnt even mention that I was coming..
it turned out to be quite a night..
they bought dinner and shared it with all of us
I realize i do LOVE Salmon :)
and drinks.. and we talked.. and they had been traveling in Europe together for the past 2 months.. and then drove up from Southern California up to Alaska,, but got stopped at the border because supposedly one of the ladies had a DUI from 7 years ago... and charges like that had to be 10 years ago...
Anyway.. we ended up at the local bar.. where he played pool straight from 8pm to 10:30.. and I sat.. stood.. bored.. while the 2 ladies occasionally coming to chat for a few spare minutes between chattin up the men.. I laid my head on my hands for awhile because i was bored.. sad.. lonely.. some guy came up to me and started talking.. "I just couldn't stand to see a pretty girl like you look so sad." etc etc. he wasn't drunk either.. I only had one drink.. back at 8.. but i wanted to drink sooo bad,.. but i knew i had to drive him back.. he was having the time of his life.. and came up to the other dude and i when we were talking-slung his arm around me and introduced himself as my bf.. the guy left quite soon after and didnt say another word.. no one else talked.. i was too sad to talk to anyone..
taking a quick break from pool/going outside he came to me and handed me a $5 asking me to get him one last drink.. so i tried.. and the bartender said that since i had put my head on the counter he couldnt serve me.. even though I hadn't even had a drink at that bar (I had the drink at the dinner place)
Of course.. i started crying right then and there..

but i love reading. I have a book on Janis Joplin.. and a book on the history of Haight-Ashbury.. but it is quite triggering.. because i want so bad to be there.. to do what they do.. etc. ohhh to clear my mind from my brain..

:(
I hate decisions
i hate that i have to think and over think and analyze things way too much
and i am frustrated that i cant leave him
and that he doesnt know what hes going to do after the summer
the jobs that i want to do.. that i need for my medical insurance are long-term commitment jobs.
like the ChildHaven place in Seattle. I didn't go to the 3 day training. I chickened out. I hate interviewing.. waiting.. getting my hopes up..

Position Title: Therapeutic Child Care Worker

SUMMARY

Responsible for organizing a developmentally appropriate room in a Therapeutic Child Care program for abused and neglected children. Responsibilities include: overseeing general room operations, facilitating teamwork in planning and carrying out activities between yourself and other co-workers, and the coordination of planning developmentally appropriate activities which meet the individual needs of young children between the ages of 1 month to 5 years.

ESSENTIAL DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES include the following. Other duties may be assigned.

Oversee the weekly planning which incorporates group and individual activities to meet appropriate developmental needs of young children, and aids individual children in reaching goals outlined in their Individualized Treatment Plan (ITP).

Model and interact with children to build relationships which foster the development of positive self esteem, self confidence, and communication skills, and coordinate assigning children to primary caregivers.

Demonstrate and model consistent room and van management and guidance techniques which foster the development of positive self image in children, which include, but are not limited to: setting age appropriate limits, redirecting, positive reinforcement, choices, and systematic attention and approval; and encouraging the development of conflict resolution and problem solving skills.

Observe and record emotional and physical conditions of individual children on a daily basis

Interact with parents in a positive, supportive manner at all times

Drive or assist on van routes on a regularly scheduled basis and transport vans for maintenance when needed. I would drive to the childrens houses in the sketchiest areas of Seattle.. walk to the door.. and retrieve the children, as well as drop them off in the afternoon

Upgrade job performance and personal skills by participating in Childhaven in-service trainings, attending related conferences, courses, or seminars, and reading job related journals and periodicals. they will give me $300 a year worth of training/workshops PLUS $50 per year for books

Work cooperatively as a team member as demonstrated

Responsible to comply with the agency's policy and procedure regarding the identification and reporting of child abuse.



with really good medical insurance/benefits.. paid time off.. paid holidays.. 8 hours sick leave per month.. accidental death insurance after one year.. free bus pass.. $13.95 an hour.. 7:30-4


And then the CNA job here.. which will start once hte background check is done.. 2-10pm starting off.. then once training is done its 10pm-6am.. I didn't look into nor ask about the benefits or pay.. but 8 hour shifts 4-5 days per week.. I am not SUPER excited about taking care of old people.. but AM excited at talking to them.. interacting (which I imagine I wont get to do much of due to my other duties-which include bathing, changing sheets, bedpans, etc.) but it will be a good springboard for wherever I move to next.. though if i did do the CNA i bet the benefits wouldnt kick in until a good 90 days after..

And i need medical insurance.. my mom and dad ALWAYS.. EVERY SINGLE TIME i call them bring it up.. that with my pre-existing condition.. the liver transplant with its medicine and blood work and the POSSIBILITY that i MIGHT go downhilll at ANY TIME and need to be hospitalized for something liver-transplant related..

And my friend in San Fran wants me to stay with her.. i would love friends.. and she is a beautiful soul,.. kindered spirit.. has gotten me through a lot.. no job prospectives yet.. but I can find something..

And my parents want me to come home and live with them.. but i would have no car.. and that place is triggering.. too much food.. but at the same time i love them soo much

And everyone wants me to go to school again.. but i dont know what I would want to do.. cuz one day i think Psychology.. then Art Therapy.. then Art Teacher.. then Nursing..

WHAT DO I WANT FROM LIFE!??!?!?

We might be going to Seattle today!!!
he claims that he isnt going to go ona kayak tour.. that he doesnt need to go on one..
but who knows.. i have a right to be skeptical, yes?

The barista job doesnt come again til Thursday :(
I had a lot of fun bustling around on Friday with it.. learning the machine some more.. people kept piling in.. the 2nd lady left.. the fridge got swapped so we had to scurry between getting things out of the fridge before he got the new fridge in, taking orders, running orders, getting out of the refidgerator mans way, making smoothies/coffees...
then is slowed
and the other shift girl came in
and i had to leave
:(
9-12:30.. time of bliss.. forgetting the bad.. concentrating on doing.. connecting with those out there.. tending to them.,, making and tasting exquisite coffees... frozen caramel latte.. hazelnut mocha.. blended frozen chai.. blended mint chocolate mocha.. and i got to taste all of those (either leftovers from the batch or they were made for people behind the counter..

next was the whale museum where i met him.. he was studying up on orcas and minke whales and other creatures that frequented this area.. so he could prove his knowledge.. library we went to later where we both examined books on tidepooling (LOVE DOING THAT!!!)) and other sea creatures....
I am proud of him
Yesterday he did 2.. one at 10.. one at 6

While the 10 oclock one was going on, i drove down to Lime Kiln Park.. which is the only state park dedicated to whale watching.. or the premier spot for whale watching from shore..
anyway.. i attempted the state park before.. which was just camping and kayak launching.. the only small beach they had was shut down and closed off due to a elephant seal taking over the shore while it participated in its yearly molting process...
I think thats what I read.. .
Lime Kiln.. its right on the Haro Straight which the Orcas use to frolic and consider as their home.. theres a lighthouse (theres a board there telling the last sighting of whales in the area) if you walk one direction and Dead Mans Cove if you walk the other.. I walked out past the lighthouse out to the Lime Kiln fields/mining area.. went out past the state park boundaries.. pretty pretty breathtaking views when the trees let up.. and then realized i had no idea where I was nor where the trail was taking me.. so i turned and went back..
You see, i am not a hiker nor a walker
I am an explorer..
i am curious..
and i pause for the picturesque views and sights even though my camera still is dead to the world
DEFINITELY stop by if you have a chance to go to San Juan Island.. it is CERTAINLY worth the trip.. even if you do not see whales.
douglas firs, madronas, snowberries, foxes

At the library i rented Deer Hunter... wow.. that is one movie i will most certainly not forget..
my dad told me to get it.. as did my mom.. so i did... its a little slow starting.. but wow does it pack a punch
Also, i have the controversial Midnight Cowboy.. which should be interesting..
when you have nothing else going in your life, why not brush up on some oldies but goodies? some documentaries?

i investigate..

"Precious"
Mmmm...
coming to theaters november 2009...
and Yes. that is Mariah Carey...



"Life is Hot in Cracktown"
June 26, 2009



"My sisters Keeper"
probably one of the saddest book i have ever read..
June 26, 2009


"Where the Wild Things Are"
MY FAVORITE BOOK THAT AT THE SAME TIME GAVE ME NIGHTMARES THAT ENDED UP WARM FUZZIES!!
October 16, 2009'


"THe Ugly Truth"
I do like that scruffy man.. i think.. sometimes.. and that song is by Mika.. :) he makes me smile
July 24, 2009

not a very exciting day
...
i did get a library card.. he was content reading all day.. so i was about to jet out and walk around by myself.. but he decided he would tag along
and we did have fun
or atleast i did
i couldn't bring myself to let him buy me ice cream.. because he wasn't going to have any and because i knew there would be dinner/?? later..
but we walked around the marina.. such pretty boats.. watching the ferry come in and out
he got tired/hot soon and we headed back to the car to wait for his boss to call.. they were going to meet up for "lunch" tho it was 3
I left him and walked around on my own... exploring the liqueur store,.. Ace Hardware (free little bag of popcorn).. seeing what Curves was all about.. thrift store.. and the MarketPlace to get some gummis.. spending wayy too much time contemplating the wine bottles.. wondering which was good.. would i regret paying $7 for one that looked interesting? i never got one

He picked me up.. the talk was about how the boss loved his kayak skills.. had Him booked up for hte summer.. but needed Him to cut his hair.. talking about how He was going to be working with busisnessmen and enviornmentalists and they wouldnt take to someone "from the south like you"

so i tried looking for other work for him.. wondeirng if he was going to give up or not
so far hes still here... going to prove them

the family had a BBQ with angel food cake, strawberries and whipped cream
it was a sweet gesture considering how id just moved in the day before..
their son, his friend and his girlfriend were there.. it was a little awkward, but i enjoyed talking.. communicating.. being.. connecting..
i hope things are on their way up

tomorrow i start my barista training...
excited.. :)

We moved into his house.. that mans.. spent the entire day in our room.. the 4 walls..
but we did go down for a wallk to Jackson beach.. soo pretty.. soo warm... with the driftwood of my childhood.. so easy to make forts.. to attempt to glue together with a little floating light on it and send it out in Sequim Bay to see which boat lasted longest

and im torn
my dad doesnt like the idea that i am wasting my life away doing menial jobs like waitressing.. I understand.. and agree-to a degree.. I LOVE it.. i get to make good money..(ish) and i get to talk to people.. learn things (how to cook, bake, learn things from people..etc)
I AM still holding out for the CNA training here.. they haven't called me back.. i really should call them..
I also stil have the opportunity to do the ChildHaven thing in Seattle.. but I still am figuring out how to get there.. if i want to take that chance.. what if i DO get it? I would have to drop everything ive created here (not that I have much just yet.. but things ARE happening)
I have a job as a barista (starting Friday.. or at least "orientation" is tomorrow at 9am) I get to learn how to make REAL coffee. expresso, latte, mocha, with the steamers and percolator and all the other things.. the boss lady is very passionate about her coffee.. as most Seattle-ites are (or NW WA-ers)
And i am meeting His co-workers.. they accept me to the point that they dont shun me and invite me along when they invite him.. tho they are probably just being polite..
And I have figured out the grocery store.. where to get the cheapest this and the best tasting that
And getting a library card
And we finally found a place.. thats lonely.. or could be.. awkward where we are the only ones that know each other.. so we cling to that
I realize we have been though a LOT together
hes soooo much better.. light shining in his eyes.. DOING things.. for me and for him.. his personality is back... his laughter.. his wit.. his michevious smile..
AND I UNDERSTAND that couples have been apart for months or more at a time and survived..
AND he said himself, "You have drive, you have ambition, go on... I'll still be here.."
and he doesnt know what to do after this summer.. and i kinda need to know. cuz most work with benefits require you there for an extended period of time..
And the work I graduated to do requires long term commitment to a degree.. teaching, zoo work, children's museum..
I suppose a CNA could get hired anywhere.. and leave and find another place..
blah blah blah
I do want people to come
so i can give them a little tour
or show them the right places to go
Like Mi Caista.. HUGE portions of mexican food... hot delicious chips.. friendly staff.. attentive.. tho i was really hungry .. so that may have helped make it taste delicious... and i just ate black beans.. His guac and chips/salsa
And the Doctor's Office has really good soup.. with slices of bread-NOT CRACKERS- (homemade bread too) and the breakfast burrito is.. wow.. i tried some of his.. wished i could have allowed myself to order something that.. delicious..
anyway
No tv/cable (which is fine.. i just miss Travel Channel/Discovery Channel)

I am going to try to get a feel for the sons.. see if they are wiling to take me under their wing for abit.. they are musicians.. (mmmm)
in fact last night they were out on the back porch jamming... i wanted so bad to be able to go out.. join them.. but what would i do? watch? HA! i wish :)
We watched Crash.. Him and I.. ohmy.. that movie is intense.. sad.. shook me to the core.. and that girl in there.. skinnier than a twig.. like the girls i went to treatment with.. triggered me.. I almost went to the bathroom.. (i had just eaten the broth from the CupONoodles then a bowl of raspberries with cool whip-so it was easily coming out if i wanted)
but i willed myself to sit through it..
and i did...

So i do believe this was one of the worst days.. not so fun.. at all.
i woke up with a migraine.. after tossing and turning all night long..
He wanted to drive into town.. well.. so did i cuz i knew he wanted to..
we called the man who wanted a housemate.. and we said we would do it.. move in tomorrow..
I was going to take a shower, but didnt have the energy to walk down the street.. pay for the shower.. take the shower and all that includes.. and then walk back..
We drove back to the campsite where he got ready for a 6 hour tour he was shadowing. We contemplated taking down the tent and moving to a hotel for the night.. but it was much too complicated.. how would he get back to town? (hitch a ride with the tour guide/co-worker that would be driving the tourists back anyway) How would we get the kayak back? (he could leave it there with the other kayaks)
We needed to talk to that man anyway.. the person we are moving in with.. more on that later..

Oh.. the coffee shop-called the Doctor's Office.. we went there for breakfast (for him) and I talked to the lady a little more.. she seemed interested.. but hesitant to give me the go in terms of a job due to some islanders coming back for the summer who were veterans at her place..

So from 10:30-5:30 i was laying around.. at the campsite (pretty much this one guys backyard) in the hot hot heat.. moving from place tto place.. from side to side.. to get comfortable.. to be able to sleep.. to stop sweating.. to stop the pain.. to stop the throbbing.. an d no phone reception so no way to talk to anyone to pass the time. .not that i would have been much of a conversationalist..
but he came back.. tired.. sore.. happy.. $60 tip
and i wanted so bad to be happy for him
but all i could think about was how no one wanted to hire me.. (atleast for a week or so)
how i was just lying around
how i wanted to kayak.. to move.. to explore the water.. to go sailing.. to have fun.. to laugh..
I was hearing the tourists come back from their 6 hour tour.. so happy.. laughing.. i wanted that..
and soon to be my brithday
and at a loss of what would make me happy
except for a job,.. to be happy.. to have friends.. to hookah.. to be able to enjoy eating (not just during)

Yesterday he had training for 3 hours.. which was a fiasco in itself.. in finding it.. etc.
there are many places on this island where you get no reception..
anyway. thats a long story
but while he was gone i was wandering downtown.. looking for a job.. finding no leads.. atleast not for a week or so
i need to be patient
the Convalescent Center.. i would get a $2,000 sign on bonus (i wasnt really paying attention but i think thats what they were saying).. paid work/training.. and with the CNA training that would guarantee me jobs pretty much anywhere
and some guy came up to me.. started talking.. about work on the island.. entertained by my stories.. and he just had to say it, "The reason why I stopped to talk to you was because, truthfully, you are the prettiest girl i have seen in a year at least"
that threw me off
me?
no.
hes messing with me.. and so was my head.. which lead me to some wine tasting.. buying a bottle of wine.. driving back to where he was training to pick him up.. refusing to come down to the water where they were training (what was i going to do? just sit there and watch? they were too far out for me to talk.. but i felt rude staying in the car.. but safer..)
we all ended up going to mexican food anyway.
and the boss lady paid for mine too (which was just a side order of black beans because i refused to order an actual meal, with the excuse "I dont want to spend her money when I am not working for her.."

hes got a cool bunch of co-workers.
he gets to kayak all day
to move
to connect with people
to see beauty all around
to earn tips
to do what he loves (though he does need to work on patience with the pampered)
and hes reallly good at it too

Anyway. its hot now still
and i need a shower
and a job
etc.