booked a flight leaving wed... coming back friday.. interveiw thursday
terrified
im not going to get it
but
im going to go in there like i am
and settle my mind

and of course
just my luck
there is no ferry service from Friday Harbor and Seattle.. so.. either him or the job...
:/
or i could visit him Saturday night to Monday night..
but then i would need to figure outhow to get to Anacortes from seattle without a car
and
and how to get to seattle with my stuff by the time the job starts (if i got the job)

and im hungry
but nothing is appetizing
stupid childrens museum for calling me and messing with my head..

Well..
okay now..
This job
i cant Get it out of my head.. CANNOT stop thinking about how it is my dream job
but i need to be there for in=person inverveiws THIS NEXT WEEK...
my dad offered to let me use his sky miles to fly out there
but
do i need a one-way ticket? a round trip?
CAN i leave him? WOULD i? Would he follow me?

Position Title: Imagination Studio Facilitator

Position Function and Purpose: The Imagination Studio Facilitator assists in the daily operation of the Imagination Studio, a drop-in art studio where artists, children, and their families work together exploring the process of creating visual art. Primary duties include preparation and maintenance of art supplies, studio space, and program facilitation.

Position Responsibilities:

Preparation and maintenance of art supplies, studio space for daily and weekend programming
Contribute to development and implementation of featured art projects
Engage parents and caregivers regarding the relevance of artistic exploration to child development
Encourage children's self expression and material exploration through facilitation of programming
Support educational objectives for children ages 6 months through 10 years
Ensure a welcoming environment in the studio to promote a positive visitor experience
Education requirements:

Coursework in the arts and education field

Job Requirements:

Experience with arts-based youth programs, early childhood development, museum work

Additional Requirements:

Positive and optimistic attitude, strong work ethic
Creative thinker, able to work with limited supplies
Demonstrated dependability, reliability, on-time performance and regular attendance in past jobs
Experience and comfort working with diverse cultures, children and a broad audience age range
Able to lift 40 pounds
Excellent communication skills
Enjoy working in a team setting!

Schedule:

Tue-Sat 9:30-5:30

Compensation:

$10.00 per hour, with opportunity for increase after 90 days, subject to experience and performance


I dont know
it sounds too good to be true
but i cant face another rejection
and i cant afford to lose my waitressing if this one doesnt work out
its SUCH a risk
emotionally and financially..

SAD day
HEAVY sadnesss plagued me all day
so i cleaned
vacuumed.. scrubbed the oven.. the counters.. cupboards.. organized the pantry, freezer, fridge.. etc.
work was slow today.. 11:30-2 and only 2 tables.. but still made $7 for 2 tables..
between yesterday and the day before i made $140..
:)

today i got a call from Seattle Children's Museum.. looking forsomeone to facilitate their imagination studio.. basically i would get to work in an open-ended art room for kids.. and thier parents.. 9-5 tue-sat at $10/hour.
They want an IN-PERSON interveiw next week..
i dont know if i can afford to go out there for the chance that i MIGHT get a job at the place of my dreams...
,...or can i?

my eyeballs give me migraine problems... and i thought the hangovers were migranes.. but they persist even when i do not drink,..

I want to go across county..
i want to re-visit Yellowstone.. Bryce Canyon.. Crater Lake.. Hoh rain forest in WA..
i want to swing on swings

and i hate wanting
because it means the life you lead NOW is not satisfactory
i want to like my life the way it is..

well
i couldnt sleep last night at all
waiting for him to come back
worried sick that he was driving out there.. most likely high or hyped up on something or the other
he made it back at 2:30 or so.. i heard noises and he shut himself in the bathroom
heard something fall down and then silence
i was so scared
scared to open the door and see him passed out or worse
scared to go to sleep without him
needing him near me
sooo i sat down next to the door.. knocking softly every once in awhile until he finally heard me
and crawled out

but i realize
and i knew
and i know
its not HIM that made me so upset
it was the Xanax he took
he is not HIM when he takes those
hes become possessed.. intent on doing something... regardless

i ate for the first time.. real food.. and then felt like shit because i felt as though i lost control
ate
eat
so salty.. crispy.. Tortilla chips with a hint of lime and french onion dip
probably not the best idea. .emotionally.. for the first food
beacuse i have it locked in my head
about chips and dip..

and the car is on E
and i work tonight
and am soo drained.. emotionally and physically..

but still chuggin along..

for the icing on the cake
he left me for the night
to drive with his cousin
to get some :stuff:
and with $60 of my hard earned money
and my car
and my heart

i was crying
shuddering
shivering
feeling like shit when he left
emotionally.. physically.. everything
torn up
torn open
undone
neglected

but as i said..
i dont want to hold him back from living his life
i dont want to make decisions for him
if he wants to go
i will let him go
I wont go
i dont want to sit in the car 2 hours with 2 guys that are out of theirs heads on Xanax

and i couldnt sleep last night
thinking
of all i have given up for him
how much time, money, emotion.,.. everything i have invested
how distant he seems to me now
how soooo many people at work (customers and co-workers) compliment me on how pretty.. friendly.. happy.. exciting.. unique.. how i have this bubble of energy.. how i have this vividness.. this aura
and yet
my spirit is still smothered
but yet
when i am away from him i have this YEARNING
this LONGING
and i feel so comforted in his arms
but
lately
it seems hes drifting further and further
or maybe i am
i dont know
and i hurt
because if i DO leave him
where would i go?
what would i do?
I have no summer job lined up except in the San Juans..
Im past the date for the teaching in Thailand
I have no school.

and im tired of crying
and walking and reading to pass the time

guys flirt
older men.. and men my age..
asking me what i do during the day.. what i do for fun..
and i realize i am stumped at that question..
so i make up some fun life
I call him my :friend:
but when i came to work with a hickey they realized that he wasnt just a friend
which furthered questions and whatnot
and one particular guy saying things..
"thats not right.. a mans supposed to support.. a mans supposed to romance.."
blah blah blah

and im so confused
and lost
and sad
and stuck

I realized
part of my problem is that i have TOO MUCH TIME
NOThING to occupy my mind with
except little games
calories.
if i squirt some of the strawberry jam stuff into my hand and eat it.. it doesnt count
right?
except
its more than a tbsp..
which is 50 calories
a handful of Ohs cereal doesnt count if i just reach in the box.. no bowl..
but it does
110 per cup
and a handful is about half a cup
hover in the kitchen
talk myslef out of eating
nibbling
which doesnt count
but it does
it adds up

and hes still not proving himself
though i havent asked
is it selfish?
to ask him to DO something?
to ask him to go kayaking?
to ask him to eat some queso dip with me?
to ask him to help plan the trip.. where to go.. where to stay..
to ask him what hes going to do for moneY?
Hes going to get some from his dad
so he says
"Its all taken care of"
he says when i ask him
when i come home from work each time putting my change into the cotton candy bucket
folding the bills neatly, setting them aside so i can put it in the bank

i just need a therapist
i need to get lost in the woods
i need to explore
i want to go back to tuscaloosa
i dont like these extreme emotions
overwhelming

Is it weird that i absolutely LOVE being a waitress?
Last time i did it.. in Tuscaloosa.. and here
I get that rush when there is everyone in there
its like a strategy game to me
How many people can i make smile
while still making sure their drinks are full
and their food is hott
and I get their orders right
and still have time to make their day all that much more divine
The family is a real italian-new york family
the dad can be scary if he needs to be... but I know about those people who can be in your face.. but dont mean it.. they really are good people.. they put on a front
i havent felt his wrath.. but I hear stories..
They keep offering to make me anything.. for free
and it smells SOOO good.. and looks delicious
and i love watching the pizza slowly roll out of the oven.. watching the cheese bubble and boil like lava.. slowly browning.. if you put your ear close enough you can hear the sizzle

meanwhile
he still is doing nothing
still has not made any effort that I can see.. sits around.. does what he does.. doesnt eat.. and i can still hear him puking in the bathroom..
and it messes with my head
my mind.. my soul.. my spirit.. my heart..

and i feel scared and alone
beacuse i want so badly to keep my blind faith that everythings going to be okay
that hes going to be better when we leave
but he just seems so distant lately..
or maybe i am
and also the little window that i have to the real world.. .working.. communicating.. spreading my wings in that little way.. little bits of the day.. makes it harder to come back
but i do
because i do love him and need him...