well
i couldnt sleep last night at all
waiting for him to come back
worried sick that he was driving out there.. most likely high or hyped up on something or the other
he made it back at 2:30 or so.. i heard noises and he shut himself in the bathroom
heard something fall down and then silence
i was so scared
scared to open the door and see him passed out or worse
scared to go to sleep without him
needing him near me
sooo i sat down next to the door.. knocking softly every once in awhile until he finally heard me
and crawled out

but i realize
and i knew
and i know
its not HIM that made me so upset
it was the Xanax he took
he is not HIM when he takes those
hes become possessed.. intent on doing something... regardless

i ate for the first time.. real food.. and then felt like shit because i felt as though i lost control
ate
eat
so salty.. crispy.. Tortilla chips with a hint of lime and french onion dip
probably not the best idea. .emotionally.. for the first food
beacuse i have it locked in my head
about chips and dip..

and the car is on E
and i work tonight
and am soo drained.. emotionally and physically..

but still chuggin along..

for the icing on the cake
he left me for the night
to drive with his cousin
to get some :stuff:
and with $60 of my hard earned money
and my car
and my heart

i was crying
shuddering
shivering
feeling like shit when he left
emotionally.. physically.. everything
torn up
torn open
undone
neglected

but as i said..
i dont want to hold him back from living his life
i dont want to make decisions for him
if he wants to go
i will let him go
I wont go
i dont want to sit in the car 2 hours with 2 guys that are out of theirs heads on Xanax

and i couldnt sleep last night
thinking
of all i have given up for him
how much time, money, emotion.,.. everything i have invested
how distant he seems to me now
how soooo many people at work (customers and co-workers) compliment me on how pretty.. friendly.. happy.. exciting.. unique.. how i have this bubble of energy.. how i have this vividness.. this aura
and yet
my spirit is still smothered
but yet
when i am away from him i have this YEARNING
this LONGING
and i feel so comforted in his arms
but
lately
it seems hes drifting further and further
or maybe i am
i dont know
and i hurt
because if i DO leave him
where would i go?
what would i do?
I have no summer job lined up except in the San Juans..
Im past the date for the teaching in Thailand
I have no school.

and im tired of crying
and walking and reading to pass the time

guys flirt
older men.. and men my age..
asking me what i do during the day.. what i do for fun..
and i realize i am stumped at that question..
so i make up some fun life
I call him my :friend:
but when i came to work with a hickey they realized that he wasnt just a friend
which furthered questions and whatnot
and one particular guy saying things..
"thats not right.. a mans supposed to support.. a mans supposed to romance.."
blah blah blah

and im so confused
and lost
and sad
and stuck

I realized
part of my problem is that i have TOO MUCH TIME
NOThING to occupy my mind with
except little games
calories.
if i squirt some of the strawberry jam stuff into my hand and eat it.. it doesnt count
right?
except
its more than a tbsp..
which is 50 calories
a handful of Ohs cereal doesnt count if i just reach in the box.. no bowl..
but it does
110 per cup
and a handful is about half a cup
hover in the kitchen
talk myslef out of eating
nibbling
which doesnt count
but it does
it adds up

and hes still not proving himself
though i havent asked
is it selfish?
to ask him to DO something?
to ask him to go kayaking?
to ask him to eat some queso dip with me?
to ask him to help plan the trip.. where to go.. where to stay..
to ask him what hes going to do for moneY?
Hes going to get some from his dad
so he says
"Its all taken care of"
he says when i ask him
when i come home from work each time putting my change into the cotton candy bucket
folding the bills neatly, setting them aside so i can put it in the bank

i just need a therapist
i need to get lost in the woods
i need to explore
i want to go back to tuscaloosa
i dont like these extreme emotions
overwhelming

Is it weird that i absolutely LOVE being a waitress?
Last time i did it.. in Tuscaloosa.. and here
I get that rush when there is everyone in there
its like a strategy game to me
How many people can i make smile
while still making sure their drinks are full
and their food is hott
and I get their orders right
and still have time to make their day all that much more divine
The family is a real italian-new york family
the dad can be scary if he needs to be... but I know about those people who can be in your face.. but dont mean it.. they really are good people.. they put on a front
i havent felt his wrath.. but I hear stories..
They keep offering to make me anything.. for free
and it smells SOOO good.. and looks delicious
and i love watching the pizza slowly roll out of the oven.. watching the cheese bubble and boil like lava.. slowly browning.. if you put your ear close enough you can hear the sizzle

meanwhile
he still is doing nothing
still has not made any effort that I can see.. sits around.. does what he does.. doesnt eat.. and i can still hear him puking in the bathroom..
and it messes with my head
my mind.. my soul.. my spirit.. my heart..

and i feel scared and alone
beacuse i want so badly to keep my blind faith that everythings going to be okay
that hes going to be better when we leave
but he just seems so distant lately..
or maybe i am
and also the little window that i have to the real world.. .working.. communicating.. spreading my wings in that little way.. little bits of the day.. makes it harder to come back
but i do
because i do love him and need him...

Walking is beautiful
i love it
plugged in to my headphones
dancing to the music
closing my eyes..
FEELING it
MOVING with it
in hte middle of the road
(granted.. they are community roads.. houses.. side streets..)
i feel so much better
i can walk all day
with the music and the sun

I dyed my hair.. back to the rich auburn/true red..
it doesnt look much different
but that okay.. i DID something

food food food food belly belly belly food food eat eat noteat noteat noteat
blah blahblah

Maybe its this place
maybe its being around him.. feeling self conscious... dont want him to be embarrassed to be seen with me.. or that he doesnt eat much.. and i can hear him in the bathroom.. doing what he does.. or the afteraffects..
and with every time i hear him puking.. every gag..
my mind warps it so that it seems.. it feels.. like my body is all that much more big.. soft.. fluffy..
whatever you call it

BUT
job tonight..
"training"
they dont know i will only be here 2 weeks..
but i am going to inform them that there is a good chance I will be moving over the summer
which is true
in 2 weeks it will be "summer" right?

BAH
mental mind games

and every time i feel this way
its a tug of war
abstain
or
munch munch munch until it evolves into a binge..
to make me feel even crappier

HOW CAN PEOPLE GO SO LONG WITHOUT FOOD.. and not have problems.. and still be okay.. granted.. he has some some things contributing to the fact..
:(

at home i felt lovely
i actually felt smaller.. like i had lost some
and now im back to where i was..

yes,...
i went kayaking again
at home