car ride thoughts,, The Beach.. travels..

Just say yes
Never turn down an invitation
Be ope for adventures
Keep your mind open
Don’t go travel just to stay in aplace wehre you can get all the same comforts of home
That’s NOT the point of traveling…
WHY travel if you are just going to treat yourself as though you were at home? Whats the point in that?
Talk to your neighbors
Talk to who your sitting next to..
It may lead you off on an adveture…
You don’t even need to travel to do things like that..
Just talk to the person in line next to you.. strike up a conversation with a stranger…
Approach people you don’t know as vehicles of knowledge.
Believe in things not seen.. Listen to your heart.. listen to your soul-not necessarily other people
Do what first comes to you… usually that is the right way.. the right answer..
It is when you hesitate.. second guess yourself… that you begin to wander into the realms of disbeleif.. in yourself..
You are the one you have to live with the rest of your life
So, you need to learn to live with yourslef first.. believe in yourself first.. love yourself
You are the author of your own autobiography.. only you can dictate what happens.. where to go..

The key to traveling is to do it with other people.. find a partner.. or a group of people.. people you can trust.. who have certain skills like guitar playing or giving good hugs or knowing the area or how to build a fire or speaking the same language… people you can laugh with.. play with.. joke with.. pick up boys (girls) with.. or just someone you can sleep with, although that would make me nervous because I would be nervous he would want to take advantage of hott girls from different countries.. and I don’t want to face that heartbreak

The movie, THE BEACH,
I watch it over and over.. wanting that.. wishing I could just pick up and travel for a long time like that.. make friends along the way.. learn tips and tricks along the way.. have a drink or a smoke with a not so stranger..
I REALLY think that their litle community on the island is amazing… multiculutural.. self sustaining.. with Austrailians, Britians, French, German, American, etc…. living together.. working together.. learning each other.. teaching each other..drinking and playing together..
A boy with hair.. hair I can run my hands through… somewhat shaggy.. somewhat unkempt.. I don’t like those preps with upturned collars and perfect bodies. In fact I am not a fan at all of muscles and musclemen. Icky
I want someone to eat cheese with.. someone to eat bread with.. someone to sit around with and watch a movie or tv occasionaly.. but also spontaneous and somewhat dangerous thrills to keep me entertained..

hate those dreams..

Have you ever had one of those dreams... where you FIND someone.. someone hot.. that thinks your hott too.. and then leads you off.. to find a room.. or anywhere..
i felt the ANTICIPATION of it all
i felt the THRILL as i realized we were going to do it.. and NOT on a bed... somewhere scandalous
i felt the DELIGHT that someone actually liked me enough to want me..
i FELT it all.. like i wasnt asleep.. the colors were vivid.. i could feel his hand in mine as he gently tugged me along as we wound around the aisles trying to figure out a discreet spot.. .

and then i woke up
to my mom muttering out loud that it was snowing.. opening the curtain to let in the blaring white light from snowglobe world outside...
and i felt it all wash away.. as the realization sank in that it was all a dream
and it wasn't going to happen..

Christmas Eve :/

Christmas Eve..
I asked my parents quite afew times to stop by the grocery store.. I needed some Reisling... they never.. but we did spend who knows how much time looking for a Guitar Center for Greg.. 2 of them...
We went to my aunt and uncles... my mom wouldn't let me have her wine because shes possessive.. and usually drinks a whole bottle herself anyway.. my aunt hesitated.. asked if i wanted a glass.. I heard the strain in her voice as though she didnt WANT to offer it to me, but felt as though she had to... I declined.. not wanting her to resent me.. besides i was warned not to drink because it would make me look "worse off" ..
We played Trivial Pursuit.. i was on a team yes.. but got stuck sitting on a stool.. no one asked for my opinion and when i DID try to say something-whether it be witty or helpful- no one seemed to heard me..
No one asked me questions about my life... they asked my 2 cousins.. and Greg.. my parents. everyone.. not me~
My cousin whom i used to play for HOURS with.. was gone most of the night out with friends and then brought home a friend.. not a word was said to me.. no attempts to include me..
its kinda sad how sometimes when people grow up.. grow apart. i understand that.. we live in completely different worlds.. but still.. she didnt do a thing.
My mom went off on me later about what i SHOULD do with my life and why my life wasnt going where it should and blahblahblah


-BUT-
We did get to go sledding! :) I had this plastic disc... I would FLY down the hill for a bit.. spinning around.. ending up zooming down backwards and then ALWAYS tumbled into the snow drifts..
Cold
soggy
delicious fun
:)
Sledding.. ohh myan.. brings back soo many good memories.. BIG hills.. a series of hills that would be perfect for a giant slinky.. jumps and ramps built up on the bottom... going and going and going until you are soaked all the way though.. trudge home in exhausted delight.. strip off the layers of wetness and sink into a chair with a warm blanket and mug of hot cocoa ":)
i feel aliveeeeee playing out in the snow~!

..little story-2! ...

Overlake Terrace.. where my grandpa now resides.. where my grandma used to.. utnil she fell down the stairs and hit her head..
Yes, it is an old folks home.. there are 3 floors.. as you go down their functioning level does too.
They both used to be on the top floor… they moved to the middle floor.. that’s when my grandma fell.. soon thereafter, my grandpa moved down to the bottom.
We visited him today.
LAST time we visited him it wasn’t so bad.
This time, it really.really.really. creeped me out..
There were old people passed out and sitting on random couches and benches all over the place…. Mostly dead to the world, eyes shut, mouths open, ragged breathing..
There were people wandering around.. vacant eye staring ahead.. and when their gaze shifts to you, it bruns..
We followed my grandpa as he wandered around the hallway that ended up to be a circle. Around and around we went… passing the painted bus station and pictures of Audrey Hephern and little babies that are glued to the wall so they wont try to remove it and take it with them.
One of the rooms has a crib with piles of blankets and babies that are half clothed, their blank eyes staring up at nothing, their arms stuck straight out hoping to be picked up. One of the babies is on the floor, naked, with her diaper nearby.
“Can anybody help me?” says a faraway voice from the frail body in front of me.. her whispy snow white hair has large clumps missing where the bare skin on her head shines with pock marks.
Theres a lady to the left stumbling with a rather prominent hunch checking every door handle, muttering to herselp, “Ohh,.. no vacancies.. that’s pretty good.”
There were two ladies on one same couch.. “It’s almost over” one muttered. It looked as though one sat down.. a little later the other one down too, not noticing the seat was already occupied.
One guy, as he was walking down the hall took off his shoes and left them in the middle of the hallway, continuing his joiurney in mismatched socks.
We opened the door to my granpas room and were hit with the musty stench of urine. Apparantly, he forgets where the bathroom is and so he pees right next to his beed.
There was a lady who was following us for a good bit who rambled on in some sort of gibberish… at one point we stopped and when I turned around, she was standing right in fornt of me and I jumped..
It was like I was in a real live scary movie..
I had to leave early.
I couldn’t handle it
I don’t want to be like that
I don’t want people to have to take care of me like that

...little story...

“Are you drunk?” He asks, squinting his eyes and peering into my eyes.. my soul.
Why? What would it matter tyo you? Does it make me less of a person that I cannot seem to chill with a friend wihtout a drink? Do you want me to be drunk? Will that make it easier for you to put your moves on me? Don’t jusdge me.
“No!” I protest, wrapping my arms around myself tring to deflect his gaze.
“Okay, well I’m going to pour myself a drink” He causually turned around and saunters into the kitchen.
I hear bottles open, glasses set down, lids twisting, ice clinking, liquid poured, doors shut. I lean back and let myself sink into the couch lost on a trian of thought. What am I doing here? How did I get myself in this situation? Its been over 7 years. I felt nothing when he leaned towards me. I felt nothing when he started playing with the straps on my tank top. My mind is preoccupied with other pressing matters.
Should I move back to Tuscaloosa? Back to where I went to college and work at the Children’s Museum. Live amongst my friends that are either still in college or stuck in their lives as I am. Live within distance of the only two boyfriends I’ve ever had and that ever openiy cared for and loved me. Should I put myself in that sitiuation where he wonders why I don’t call and then calls me in a fit of drunken built up anger and I have to talk him down. I wish so badly for him that life would be better to him. But hes got to be better to life too…
Should I stay back in Asheville? Land of the hippoes? Land of the free? Amongst the beauty of the East Coast mountains, head shops, dreadlocks, Rainbow Kids, oak trees with their colorful leaves puked onto the floor in a bed of soggy autum colors.. JP-visiing him when he’s off work all the while worrying he’s going to kick me out before its time to go to sleep. Harayz-the inspiration and bright spot in my ife who is now taken by a beautiful girl. Alysa-crazy dynamic18-year old girl with no fear and full of vigor and lives for sexual encouitners of all kinds. My job-Carina and her baby Orlando and everyone that visits me there like Cynthia and sweet German Julius.
Should I drive all across the country with no chance to see either of the 2 people that make me want to stay back? Arive at work mid January working only weekends and some evenings, setting up little shows to teach parents about teachable moments. How folding laundry can teach children to sort colors and patterns and count. Blindly move and find some sort of affordable housing in the Emerald City where everything is so very exspensive. Hope for the best and that I will be able to find another job that will help keep me afloat.
Should I give up on living conventionally? Throw my hands up to society and jump in the car. Fly around the coutnry with no time constraints, no worries, no cares… Meeting all kinds of people in all kinds of places. Tasting life in everty city possible… Become a road gypsy until I’m pleasantly exhausted and delighted with life and every waking moment.

“Here, I made you a drink! My pecial. I know you will love it.” He returns, setting the glass in front of me. The sharp clink of the glass hitting the coffee table makes me jump.
I look up at him and the world blurs as ir ealize in horror that tears threaten to fall.
“Are you okay?” He settles down on the couch next to me. His arms begin to wrap around me as I shoot my arms out for my glass. I gaze into it, enjoying the whirlpool I am creating.
“Yeah.. I;m okay…” I shrug him off and put the glass to my lips and let the sweet liquid flow through me. Yes, I lied. This was my second drink. The first one I poured was not meausred, just slogged together a few things to get my mind off things while he was out helping his neighbor. Yes. I am a liar. He knows. He doesn’t care. He just wants me drunk. Same old same old. I feel him inching closer again.
“HEY! Guess what I bought the other day!” I explaim as I jump up form the couch. I run over to my bag and fish around for my Nerf Dart Gun. Before he even knew what was going on, I squeezed the trigger and let out a shot.
BANG..
I see him crumple into the couch and realize my aim was a little too good. RIGHT in the eyeball.
Well.. that will keep him away for awhile. I try to hold in my laughter, but can’t. I explode in uncontrollable laughter. Is that the alcohol laughing? Or me?
“I’m sorrY! I totally did NOT mean to get your eyeball!” I manage between my giggles. “You can take a shot at me if you want. You can hate me if you want.”
“No.. no.. I;m fine.. just give me a minute..” He gasps out as he struggles to open his eye that seems to be ever reddiening.
I still cant seem to stop laughing. I inch forward towards my drink, hoping that will quiet me. Somehow I manage to run into the light swtich and the room goes awash in darkness. My first reaction is that my LASIK surgery failed.. even though I had it done a good while ago. I can’t see a thing except blobs. The window stands clear on the other side of the room. Outside I can see the naked trees being weighed down with a 4 inch coat of snow. Immediately I turn away as I start seeing monsters and faces peering in. I stumble forward and manage to reach my drink and take another gulp. I close my eyes hoping that when I open them I will be back in Asheville.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t want this. I don’t want him. I don’t want whats bound to happen. I want what doesn’t want me. I want a job. I want to not be lost anymore. I want..
I rest my cheek on the cold coffee table and close my eyes slighttly as I hear the couch squeaking. He’s getting up. I hear the faint rustle of his pants as he moves around the room. I woonder what he’s doing and faintly remember that it is still only 9 pm. I wish I would have gone with my parents. I wish I would have couchsurfed with someone and not stayed with someone I hadn’t seen in 7 years iand I knew wanted that one thing from me. Empty words that are attempts to make me feel pretty fall flat in my mind. Too many fakers. How do I know when they mean what they say?
I recall the bed is upstairs and felt like a musty oven. I am not going up there. I turn my head toward the window again, hoping the creatures aren’t looking in at me again/
“You owe me now you know…” I hear his voice carry though my thoughts. He sounds so far away. “C’mon, get up here. Don’t sit on the floor. How can that be comfortable?”
“I’m good. I’m good. I like the veiw from here. I can see the stains on your couch. But don’t make me look out that window” I mumble, probably incoherantly.
I hear his cackle of laughter beyond the misty world around me. Why does he sound so far away?
Once again I hear the rustle of clothes and fel a rush of air and realize he is now right next to me.
“Come on, you’re tired. Let me take you upstairs.” He begins to wrap his arms around me.
“No! No, I’m not tired.” I wriggle away from him. “Lets play Scrabble/”
More laughter.
“I’m not trying to be funny. I WANT to play scrabble.” I pout.
“I may have that up in my room.” He replies.
Without thinking things through, I believe him. I grasp the handrail as I head upstairs. Each step seems heavier and harder to climb. I feel his fingers on the small of my back pushing me along. I realize he lied. There is no Scrabble board up there. I know I cant go back. I’m not a fighter.
I don’t want to want anymore. If I could make one wish, it would be that I wouldn’t have to wish anymore.





Song for the moment.. “Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots” Flaming Lips

some thoughts..while listening to Iron and Wine..

Iron and Wine "Boy With a Coin"
...this song makes me dance...

I want to dance to the drums
and be swept away by the guitar

I want to gaze at the art on the walls
and see what I want to see in them
not what you're SUPPOSED to see

i want to drift to sleep to music floating through my mind
and wake up to someone crawling into bed with me

I want to touch peoples lives
but not hurt so much when i have to leave
and they dont seem to care

i want to play and dance and be me
and not have to constantly compare myself in my mind
to all the prettier, skinnier, more liked girls around me

I want to not hesitate so much
and have more confidence in myself

I want to create a beautiful mess
with corn syrup and food coloring
or any other form of colorful chaos



I want people to say what they mean
and mean what they say

I want someone to eat cheese with
or cheesy fries
or cheesy tots
because my ED wont let me eat them by myself

I want to sink my feet deep into the sands of the beaches in Thailand
and smell the spices and sweat wafting through the air
and hear the pandemonium around me

I want to go to on a safari in Africa
see the vastness of the savannah
see the dusty emptiness
and look for animals
as i looked for Waldo as a child

I want to go to Italy
learn to bake their bread
on a stove oven
hot, fresh, crusty and soft


Iron and Wine "Dark Eyes"
..another song that makes me move...

I want to road trip with the windows down
blasting the music and laughing
stopping at random places
no time restraint
no expectations
and not have to drive the whole time
and ALLOW myself eat the random fun foods we happen across

I want to go to the Taj Mahal
and see the epitimy of love
standing tall and proud and beautiful
for all to see

I want to not be alone anymore
make superficial friendships
and then hide away
when they get too close to me
beacuse i cry too easy
because i hurt to easy
beacuse i get attatched too easy
and want it so bad
but wont ever let myself have it

I want to meet someone at a bar
and go home with them
let myself do it
just once
to say i did

I want to keep beleiving the good in all people
and learn that its true
that people really do care
that people really don't like to hurt people
emotionally
physically
sexually

I want to stop wanting
and start doing...

.
Iron and Wine "Each Coming Night"

forgot a song~:)

one more song..
to get your heart pumping...

bagpipes... soo intense..