Thirsty Monk~

Ummm;/..... yea
had some fun tonight.. MADE myself go out (with additional help and prompting-thank you Trent)
rather crazy drive there... mixed some pineapple rum in with my can of diet Mt Dew.. and then had 2 puffs.. i was FREAKING out in the drivers seat.. it all felt like some surreal video game.. and the lights messed with my head.. twinkling and streaking around in front of me..
Zack took over.. thank goodness...
We went to sushi.. i stared at the twinkling stars on the ceiling the whole time.. transfixed by their magic hold on me.. and ate a bag of KettleKorn i bought for 75cents at Mast General store while Zack ate oysters and steak and Heather had some tofu and noodle concoction.. and i ate the popcorn with chopsticks.. and then put them in my hair for some added flair (not that i needed much more)
THEN
to Thirsty Monk... walking down the ramp to the downstairs.. it feels like you are descending into a dungeon with the rocky stone walls and steep stairs.. and it got darker and darker as you went further.. QUITE the variety of beers.. availability changes quite often so theres often a new menu out.. with descriptions of the taste and the alcohol content ,,
now..
i HATE beer.. icky.. but i tested out others.. and cringed EVERY time.. nope not for me..
we ended up playing with Play dough, building castles out of various empty glasses around the table and the coasters they so politely left at our table (we didnt use them for their correct purpose..) etc. etc.

I wanted SO badly this.. i NEEDEd so badly this..
to be with people.. to chill.. to be talked to.. to not be ignored..

now im hungry..

song for the moment..

Counting Crows, "Anna Begins"

Such an addicting song.. I cannot NOT listen to it whenever i turn on my music. and all day today ive been singing it in my head.. its a combination of the DRUMS.. the VOICE.. the "Anna begins.. " and "..I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.."

I did get a call today from the man who was looking to hire me to teach in Taiwan... unfortunately i was nowhere i heard the phone when he called so he just left a message..

I got another call from ArtSpace Charter school here in Asheville. I had applied there in hopes that there would be a job opening. At first there wasn't and they offered me volunteering. I hadn't gotten around to calling them and figuring out what that would require and what I would get to do
Instead i got the call from them saying they were looking for an after school assistant.. I think thats what she said.. I was a little shocked so I wasn't 100% paying attention to what she said after she said she was from ArtSpace Charter School.

I spent the majority of the day sitting upside down on the futon blasting the music.. in my own world.. lost in my thoughts.. thinking way too hard.. not wanting to believe what is really true..
I somewhat confronted him about it the other day.. saying i was scared that he didn't want ME... but i was just convenient.. he said he didn't want anything right now.. I sank back.. my bubble burst.. thats why i was so scared to say anything.. i knew it but didnt want to believe it.. yep.. thats right.. figured.. Yet.. i still cant bring myself to be mad at him... im a cry-er not a fighter..

On another note, the underlying fear all my life.. the liver transplant and its potential rejection.
EVERY SINGLE time i get some sort of odd/sick/icky feeling in my tummy area, the FIRST thing that flashes in my head is that my liver is rejecting me.. that I will need a new liver transplant. It usually doesnt haunt me that much.. but it is always constantly there.
Nowadays the fear is more eminent.. in terms of the things that I am doing that I probably shouldn't.. that i dont need... but feel like i need to feel.. to feel happy..
it will go away just like any other tummyache, right?>

time needs to stop dragging..

it a simple question..
do you like me or no
do you want me or no

im bad with getting caught up in things, thinking they are real.. wanting soo badly for things to be right.. for things to be the way i wish they could be...

nope

still no job prospects..
though I am getting a nice correspondence going with a man who is in charge of settling teachers in to teach English in Taiwan... intriguing.. fleeing the country for awhile
though i am TERRIFIED of being alone out there..

No replies from the preschools in the area
no new open positions to apply to

And its nearing Christmastime.. going home to relatives who were soo proud of me.. and will be asking me about the job i was soo excited about..
and i will have to tell them
Nope.. not anymore...
Well.. what am i doing?
Nothing.
sleeping. crying. reading. applying to jobs. drinking. dreaming. regretting. working $6/hour at a paint your own pottery studio.
essentially..
nothing



i didn't plan on being a failure

why am i so scared to try things that i know will make me happy?

why am i so scared to allow new people into my life?

why do i get sOOOO nervous in person... soo scared of the unknown.. of what others are thinking..

wish someone would care enough to read up... to think.. to wonder.. to want.. to do...
im tired of doing for others
just once
it would be nice for someone to do for me~


i dont want to be so scared to live my life..
please dont let me chicken out...

where am i now?

Nothing more
Nothing less
Just numbing the pain with tattoos.. and other things i probably shouldn't be doing..
part of it is i get so caught up in the thought that it will make me happy..
that just once more tattoo...
or
hey.. ive never tried that, but heard that it makes you happy.. euphoric.. blissful.. why not try it?
even though my friends last words before i took it were, "Heres to life.. Its not mine so i dont want to be to blame for anything that goes wrong.."
I now have 4 tattoos...

and my cars in the shop... $255 to get it out
and i have no real job.. just one that i love that only brings in about $100 a week...
and i have no idea what to think about the dude.. if he really does like me.. or if he i am just a filler until something else comes along...
and i have no idea where to go with my life
should i teach english abroad? the whole idea is so mind blowing to me... teaching kids.. inspiring kids.. halfway across the country.. giving them hope
should i stay in Asheville and find a preschool job? there haven't been many opportunities.. but i do have some friends here.. its pretty here... its hippie here... its chill.. i have potential...
should i start over and drive across the country and start over in Oregon or Washington? back to home country? sCArY.. but intriguing.. re-inventing myself..
and i need to stop some things that i dont want to


I am a true gemini though...
I am terrified of being boring... of sameness... of consistency..
sometimes i think i stir up trouble JUST to throw some spice into my life..
i am way too curious.. too superficial.. i judge by how people act first.. and then i go back and realize that it is just an act.. i REALLY dont know how they feel.. i just see what i see.. maybe the reason why he is acting that way is because he just popped a bunch of pills... not that he doesnt like me..


I do like my tattoos
its kinda scary though..
my need for them...
for something

i dont know what im looking for
but i sure cant find it

I miss Tali.. i miss my boys.. :(

i miss how life used to be

im scared that i wont be able to find myself again

im scared i want to be a teacher because i dont want to let go of my childhood..

im starting to realize my indecisiveness is far worse than making the wrong decision

im too scared of being alone to hold out for the best

Sometimes i wish i was blind so i wouldnt have to look at myself everyday in the mirror

im afraid to grow up because sometimes it feels like things will never feel beautiful again

tv lied to me about how life would be

but MOST of all

I'm TerrifieD of not existing..

NO MORE GLASSES! NO MORE CONTACTS! YAY FOR LASIK!

HOORAY FOR LASIK!!
I CAN SEE!!
No more hassling with putting in and taking out contacts...
No more figuring out how to snuggle on the couch to watch a movie with glasses...
No more pretending i DONT need glasses while going out and expereincing the world as a series of blurry figures..

NOW
If i somehow get in the situation where i have to end up sleeping out in the middle of a cow field or at an unexpected persons house.. no more worries about w\hat to do with my contacts or glasses...

IM FREE~!~ AND I CAN SEE~!

the surgery itself did not hurt at all,.. They put a series of drops in my eyes that numbed them and did other things... and then taped my eyes open.. stuck me under a laser which lasted about 30 seconds for each eye.. and i was done! IN and out in about an hour... AND they sent me off with these spiffy goggles that i am supposed to wear every night for a week,.,. Zack stopped at Asiana (a Chinese buffet) on the way home and we totally p[ayed it off that i was blind.. tho halfway thru the time we were there i started dying because
the numbness wore off... ::( :(
I spent the rest of the afternoon crying and then trying not to cry cuz it hurt,,. opening my eyes hurt, but so did closing them..
So i did the sensible thing, popped in a couple valium and slept..

Woke up later.. went over to clean Zack's apartment because i figured he wouldn't and JP was getting back tomorrow and hated it when Zack doesnt clean.. so i swept, did the dishes, took out the trash, vaccuumed... and then repeated the process at my place.. then i felt dizzy and weak, and my eyes felt as though they would fall out
so
i took another valium and crashed

The Art Of Travel

...The Art Of Travel Is To Deviate From One's Plans...

WHAT an amazing movie...
Well.. maybe the movie itself wasn't all that amazing.. but what it did to me was amazing,... the feelings and images and dreams that it evoked within me..

the movie was shot in 5 countries in 6 weeks with under $400,000 budget but STILL managed to shoot ON LOCATION everywhere...
Conner dumps his fiancée at the altar (quite a way to leave her too!) and leaves for his honeymoon, alone...to Nicaragua where he gets robbed and then runs into a couple with the promise of exotic adventure and hard work. Conner goes along with them and with other random vagabonds machete and chop their way through the Darien Gap, creating the first road through the seemingly unpassable stretch of jungle. Conner travels on with his new girl.. to Peru and Bolivia.. learning lessons that years of schooling could never teach a person..


"I think back and ask myself a deeper question.. Why NOT me? Why should I be immune to the lessons life has to offer. I think life is all about how you let the bad days change you and what you take out of the experience."

HA! the ending made me laugh.. I love practical jokes :)



makes me want to go back to Ecuador..
whacking the vines with a machete.. the veiw of the Amazon-layers of green going on for as far as the eye can see... a much simpler way of living..

it awakens my wanderlust

and to have someone to travel with..

Definitely a movie for dreamers.. travelers... :)

AND they sing Rainbow Connection!!!
LOVE that song!!