why am i so scared to try things that i know will make me happy?

why am i so scared to allow new people into my life?

why do i get sOOOO nervous in person... soo scared of the unknown.. of what others are thinking..

wish someone would care enough to read up... to think.. to wonder.. to want.. to do...
im tired of doing for others
just once
it would be nice for someone to do for me~


i dont want to be so scared to live my life..
please dont let me chicken out...

where am i now?

Nothing more
Nothing less
Just numbing the pain with tattoos.. and other things i probably shouldn't be doing..
part of it is i get so caught up in the thought that it will make me happy..
that just once more tattoo...
or
hey.. ive never tried that, but heard that it makes you happy.. euphoric.. blissful.. why not try it?
even though my friends last words before i took it were, "Heres to life.. Its not mine so i dont want to be to blame for anything that goes wrong.."
I now have 4 tattoos...

and my cars in the shop... $255 to get it out
and i have no real job.. just one that i love that only brings in about $100 a week...
and i have no idea what to think about the dude.. if he really does like me.. or if he i am just a filler until something else comes along...
and i have no idea where to go with my life
should i teach english abroad? the whole idea is so mind blowing to me... teaching kids.. inspiring kids.. halfway across the country.. giving them hope
should i stay in Asheville and find a preschool job? there haven't been many opportunities.. but i do have some friends here.. its pretty here... its hippie here... its chill.. i have potential...
should i start over and drive across the country and start over in Oregon or Washington? back to home country? sCArY.. but intriguing.. re-inventing myself..
and i need to stop some things that i dont want to


I am a true gemini though...
I am terrified of being boring... of sameness... of consistency..
sometimes i think i stir up trouble JUST to throw some spice into my life..
i am way too curious.. too superficial.. i judge by how people act first.. and then i go back and realize that it is just an act.. i REALLY dont know how they feel.. i just see what i see.. maybe the reason why he is acting that way is because he just popped a bunch of pills... not that he doesnt like me..


I do like my tattoos
its kinda scary though..
my need for them...
for something

i dont know what im looking for
but i sure cant find it

I miss Tali.. i miss my boys.. :(

i miss how life used to be

im scared that i wont be able to find myself again

im scared i want to be a teacher because i dont want to let go of my childhood..

im starting to realize my indecisiveness is far worse than making the wrong decision

im too scared of being alone to hold out for the best

Sometimes i wish i was blind so i wouldnt have to look at myself everyday in the mirror

im afraid to grow up because sometimes it feels like things will never feel beautiful again

tv lied to me about how life would be

but MOST of all

I'm TerrifieD of not existing..

NO MORE GLASSES! NO MORE CONTACTS! YAY FOR LASIK!

HOORAY FOR LASIK!!
I CAN SEE!!
No more hassling with putting in and taking out contacts...
No more figuring out how to snuggle on the couch to watch a movie with glasses...
No more pretending i DONT need glasses while going out and expereincing the world as a series of blurry figures..

NOW
If i somehow get in the situation where i have to end up sleeping out in the middle of a cow field or at an unexpected persons house.. no more worries about w\hat to do with my contacts or glasses...

IM FREE~!~ AND I CAN SEE~!

the surgery itself did not hurt at all,.. They put a series of drops in my eyes that numbed them and did other things... and then taped my eyes open.. stuck me under a laser which lasted about 30 seconds for each eye.. and i was done! IN and out in about an hour... AND they sent me off with these spiffy goggles that i am supposed to wear every night for a week,.,. Zack stopped at Asiana (a Chinese buffet) on the way home and we totally p[ayed it off that i was blind.. tho halfway thru the time we were there i started dying because
the numbness wore off... ::( :(
I spent the rest of the afternoon crying and then trying not to cry cuz it hurt,,. opening my eyes hurt, but so did closing them..
So i did the sensible thing, popped in a couple valium and slept..

Woke up later.. went over to clean Zack's apartment because i figured he wouldn't and JP was getting back tomorrow and hated it when Zack doesnt clean.. so i swept, did the dishes, took out the trash, vaccuumed... and then repeated the process at my place.. then i felt dizzy and weak, and my eyes felt as though they would fall out
so
i took another valium and crashed

The Art Of Travel

...The Art Of Travel Is To Deviate From One's Plans...

WHAT an amazing movie...
Well.. maybe the movie itself wasn't all that amazing.. but what it did to me was amazing,... the feelings and images and dreams that it evoked within me..

the movie was shot in 5 countries in 6 weeks with under $400,000 budget but STILL managed to shoot ON LOCATION everywhere...
Conner dumps his fiancée at the altar (quite a way to leave her too!) and leaves for his honeymoon, alone...to Nicaragua where he gets robbed and then runs into a couple with the promise of exotic adventure and hard work. Conner goes along with them and with other random vagabonds machete and chop their way through the Darien Gap, creating the first road through the seemingly unpassable stretch of jungle. Conner travels on with his new girl.. to Peru and Bolivia.. learning lessons that years of schooling could never teach a person..


"I think back and ask myself a deeper question.. Why NOT me? Why should I be immune to the lessons life has to offer. I think life is all about how you let the bad days change you and what you take out of the experience."

HA! the ending made me laugh.. I love practical jokes :)



makes me want to go back to Ecuador..
whacking the vines with a machete.. the veiw of the Amazon-layers of green going on for as far as the eye can see... a much simpler way of living..

it awakens my wanderlust

and to have someone to travel with..

Definitely a movie for dreamers.. travelers... :)

AND they sing Rainbow Connection!!!
LOVE that song!!

PICTURES!

Me.. playing around with the computer camera! :)

KALE! Performing Cabin Olympics.. consisting of them jumping over the railing of the bed and tumbling onto the bed in various different ways..


Zack.. after attempting Cabin Olympics... (:


At our first campsite in Harpers Ferry.. I LOVE the leaves... soo pretty! :)


All of the boys standing in front of the Capital Building..

Me, being transfixed by this crazy trippy wall at the Smithsonian.. The colors were all moving and swirly and 3D and coming out at me..


My boys and I... we found this amazingly fun seat in the middle of the Smithsonian.. somewhere with a lot of skeletons.. I was bored and haunted by the skeletons so I sat down and soon all the boys were seated around it with me... and so.. Zack too the camera and SNAPPED!

Movieeeee and update..

Feast of Love


A movie I want to see...

< There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it. >

Morgan Freeman is the best narrator.. I LOVE his smooth, soothing yet confident and all knowing voice..
AND it takes place in Portland, Oregon..

ON another note..
i went to a job interview today
at a preschool
Although I was highly disappointed in the preschool... too confining.. no freedom for me to do what I need or want to do with my kids.. they offered me the job straight away.
I denied.
As i was walking out, I struck up a conversation with a cleaning lady. I explained that I had just graduated from University of Alabama, Early Childhood Education. She looked at me sympathetically...
"Oh honey... You shouldn't subject yourself to places like this. You can do so much better. Go on where you belong. You don't belong here. I can tell. You are a free spirit. Go on and be free where you need to be. But I don't want to see you around here-OR any place like this again..."
It provided me with lots to think about..

I still don't know what I want..
and am scared to know..
Looking tenatively at places to live in Asheville, but chicken out in terms of going to check them out. I love where I am at, though I know deep down I know I will LOVE it even more in Asheville, surrounded by a lot more to offer...
but i dont want to leave a lot of things here..
Express Yourself Studio and Carina.. she needs me... she nearly begged me to stay working with her, offering me a raise and more days.,,,
The cottage.. it is MINE.. I get this sense of relief and peace when i walk in the door.. but no one ever really comes to visit.. so i get lonely
JP.. he doesnt know what he is doing either... we mentioned going to Oregon... but that was just silly talk.. we mentioned him coming with me to Seattle.,.. but that was silly talk.. thats all it is.. silly talk.. about nothing that will be

Oh well..
time will tell what will happen..
what is supposed to happen will happen..
JUST KEEP ON TRUCKIN!

Mmmmm....

...pure HOTNESSS...

.....
HA!