RIP Alexander Supertramp...

I love the journeys books can take you on.. relief from reality.. where you can see in your head what you wan to see.. let hte words create worlds in your mind.
I saw the book tossed upside down and messed at the library, but remember all the things i heard about it..
I own the movie.. have owned the movie for awhile, but had never seen it.. it just sat there waiting for the time..

I finally read it.. today.. ALL in one sitting.. couldn't set it down..
it
was
amazing..
inspiring..
intriguing..
sad..
the things Carine said about her brother.. how devastated she was when she found news that her brother was found dead, a frozen carcass on a bus way out in Alaska wilderness.
i became infatuated with his life.. his thoughts.. how he viewed the world..
makes me want to do something similar..
makes me wonder.. when i die.. if they were to write a book about me.. who would contribute? what would they have to say? how would they explain my actions? my life? my world? my thoughtS?

Into the Wild.
watch it
read it
love it
live for Alexander Supertramp.
RIP Alexander Supertramp.
and
RIP Kyo

Alexander Supertramp.. i wish i could have met you... and... just to let you know... you are hott.. so smart.. so inspiring.. so passionate.. so insightful.. knows what he wants.. what he believes in-with such intense passion.. id be with you.. id do you..

i think of you both tonight.. and for many nights to come
and Kyo
i only wish that we could have had the heart to heart i always wanted.. the relationship i see and hear from other brother-sisters.. i wanted so badly for him to be proud.. for him to protect me.. for him to joke with me..
he is the one i compare to.. when i see brother and sisters.. whether it be in movies,.. in books.. in real life.. i compare their interactions.. their closeness.. their compatibility to Kyo and I.. not greg.. as much as i love greg and look up to him and am proud of him.. it is Kyo i tend to come back to..

also.. still no call from him.. i cannot even have the satisfaction of ignoring him.. of making him wonder whats wrong..

i dreamt i died..

sooool..... i had some world shaking news about 4 hours ago just before i cried myself to sleep.
apparently it was all a lie. I feel disillusioned.. embarrassed.. ashamed.. shattered... dont know if i am mad for her or mad for me
dont know what i am going to do next time i see him.. will i do the normal thing and forgive him right away because all i want... ALL i want right now is to be wanted
he was with a girl all summer.. he lived with her.. he talked of marriage.. meanwhile i was nothing.. just some booty he knew he could get... i had that feeling in the back of my mind.. but i didnt want to believe it.. and now i have proof that it is a valid feeling.. yet i still push it away and continue to hope
.. = my thoughts still lean towards.. "well that was summertime.. this is now.. he has no one else now.." even though i know what he did was not right.. to me or to her..

i need you Emily,,, your prettier, more real.. more fun and more dynamic and free than any therapist i have ever seen.

despite what i WANTED to do
i did not drink that one last drink.. i used my tears as a sleepy-time drug.
i dreamt i died.
I just woke up and am shaken and scared... i hate not having anyone here with me.. I miss Emily, I miss her like NOTHING OTHER.
In the dream, i was JUST at the point where i was feeling peaceful. I was feeling free. I was feeling happy and pure.. it was a sunny day.. lots of grass and flowers and the smell of honeysuckle with a slight breeze... i blew bubbles a lot with others, we all watched the colors swirl around each other wished them well as they floated down the hill... him.. and things were wonderful.. at first, i noticed a butterfly or two and we all were in awe of its color and beauty and grace as they darted around in between us all.. as the day went on more and more butterflies kept fluttering around.. everyone went somewhere.. disappeared.. saying they would be right back. I was waiting patiently, exciting news of some sort on my tongue.. all of a sudden there was a sudden gust of wind and a barrage of butterflies all around me and i felt myself raising from the ground.. higher and higher.. faster and faster.. i fought it.. i fought it HARD.. i heard faint voices of different people in my life whisper all around me, sounding as if they were talking in a tunnel... i couldnt get out.. i was scared.. terrified.. yet there was a small ball of peace glowing inside as i went up.. and it grew bigger and brighter and stronger as i went up and up.. and soon the peace once again took over the fear...
... needless to say i was glad that i woke up...

but then again.. i just got a long text from my ex... surges of memories and feelings-both good and sad-happy and bad-
he said he was wondering if he made me up just to hurt himself... created by demons of guilt.. how he doesnt think he will be calling back... how he is a better person for knowing me... how he needs to drop his delusions and move on.. how he cant hear my voice and not want to love and be with me for the rest of my life.. and on and on.. and i cried again.. and am quite cofused..
which is a common emotion lately..
HE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND that i cannot give up my life here for him. I do care.. more than anyone knows.. i still do cling to the good times.. but the not so good times.. the getting pissed off at me for talking to any other boy.. constantly asking what the deal is/was with any conversation i had with a guy.. getting too drunk too quick and scary and rough..
but at the same time, when he was good he was GOOD.. treated me better than anyone else could ever.. i was able to BE with him.. i didnt get anxious or restless as i do with many other people.. he could make me feel like i was the only other person in the world..
why does so much have to go on in one night.
and why do i have to be all alone in dealing with this
and whyyyyy does the night draggg onnnnnnnn

that dream really did scare me.
and i am sure it means someting
im just scared .. another common emotion... to think too much on that subject..
but i am SOOO glad i woke up
in my bed
... though i wish the previous nights events were a dream..

..please one more drink~Could you make i strong cuz i dont need to think...

once again..
nothing...
i cant NOT reach for that drink when i get home

I HATE how someone has this kind of power over me
yet i cant even bring myself to call



--Grace Is Gone-- Dave Mattews Band

"Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind
I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my eyes take my heart I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again
One drink to remember and another to forget"

--Grace is Gone--
DAve Mattews Band

is how i feel
tongiht

song for the moment

WHY do i let others dictate ow i feel?
seriously
i dont want it.. but i let it happen
i call him every single night when i am at work.. whether i feel sad or happy or exhausted...
he wanted me to come over for the last 2 nights and i couldnt because i was single staffed.
now that there are 5 staff there including staff.. 2 in 2 cabins.. one in the last cabin ..
he wont even F123213 call.. wont .. cant.. i dont know.. but t doesnt make me feel goode about myself..
:(
nope
after that long week on shift.. i was going to.. but i didnt.. and now.. after his ONE day with the kids... LESS than one day... nothing..
and im too F!@E#{129i scared to call.. too sel,f conscious... too scared that he wont answer or will not want to come.,..
whatever
goodngiht


and i dont think its the wine talking.. though i admit i did have quite too much

off shift.. The week is OVER! :/

Right.
Im off now.
Sad too.. its too drama free...
i DO like being single staffed in a way.. everything is more intense.. if things are good, i feel proud,. if things are crazy or bad i feel responsible and get sad/mad/frustrated with myself because i cant handle them. I feel like the groups ability to get along and behave is a result of me and my actions.

Yesterday one of the kids messed with another's $800 Base. He was already restricted from any and all instruments due to his rough handling of it.. playing it as if it were an intense guitar hero session. He ended up sleeping outside.. packing out for dinner and then let the other shift deal with it because i had NO idea what should happen next. At the time, I had run off after two who had had enough of the group.. were fed up.. frustrated that they had nothing.. no independence.. no life.. that the staff didn't care about them-only the money that came in.
So when one of the others came up with the Base. E. punched a cubby instead of the other kid and walked off after dumping over the other kids cubby. I was proud that he didnt hurt anyone.. though he did end up going to the hospital due to his smashed up knuckles.

OH and my favorite thing about that whole incident.. I was processing with the group (except H and E and K-E and K had gone to the doctor.. H was sitting in his bed taking a time out from group until i figured out what to do) we were ALL frustrated and anxious..
SOoooo.. i reverted back to what i do best..
PAINT!!
we all got out my paint and started splattering the wall.. .Now it looks amazing.. if you have seen "Across the Universe" with the strawberry and the dripping paint... It is kind of like that.. except on a huge white wall.. and with all colors .. we had yellow.. red.. pink.. neon green.. orange....

I was planning on visiting JP last night.. but was highly and hugely disappointed that the kids were acting out.. that the other two cabins were single staffed as well... so i did the right thing and stayed in.. :(

anyway..
Kevins birthday is today :) I text/talk sometimes.. realize even more every time how much he means to me.. how much he has influenced and impacted me on many levels.
Its also my mom's birthday
I also have to go to my other job today.
I also need a drink

Thursday.. battlefield field trip..

signing in... I got another staff for today and tomorrow! YaY!
All the kids packed out this morning because they were goofing off and late to breakfast.. which meant i ALSO had to stand out in the cold and have my coffee..

I cried again last night..
We had gone to the civil war battlefied... JP came in to help out. Which confused things a lot.. I ended up letting personal issues come in clashing with my work.. OOPS.. I ended up ignoring one of the kids.. well not REALLY ignoring him, but not responding when he asked for my notebook to write me a note. I felt horrible afterwards because then he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the evening and caused the rest of the kids to follow his lead and act up.

On the way back, the bus broke down. All 8 kids and 2 staff and the teacher were all on the side of the highway out in the TALL weeds... one of the kids was trying to pick up trash and take it on the bus. I tried to talk him down.. he grabbed me roughly by the sholder a few times while getting in my face.. intimidating but i took breath remained calm and kept talking and reminded him to get his hands off me. So...i found a way to compromise.. he leaves the trash on the ground.. we take a few flowers home and press them in the books to "keep their prettiness" ... :) YaY ..
though at the same time the other kids kept coming up behind me, trying to rile him up by knocking things out of his hand and trying to wipe mustard on him
JP left at dinner and things went to crap again. I cried again. They weren't listening again.. werent talking.. but i had a group with them, trying to figure out what the deal was.. and it worked out. ish..

its nice to have another staff...

ME and my photobooth.. playing around... this is my drinking smile.. apparantly..

I TOTALLY broke down yesterday.. Cried in front of the kids..
It was supposed to be "work time" and the kids were very defiant and saying it was gay and stupid and all this stuff.
A lot of little things had piled up throughout the day.. I had enough.. .
2 of the kids already left the group, saying "F-- this sh--" and the others were arguing with me
I cried..
I said, "I'm taking a 5.. you all know what you need to do. I dont care what you do.. I am NOT arguing anymore. I dont want to hear it.."
I went off the side and cried.. while one of the campers was bugging me, being rude, saying he had no idea why i was freaking out and acting all crazy.
I kept repeating.. "I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU DO. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. I AM NOT ARGUNG."
thankfully. they all banded together and did some work.. creating a little teepee to house firewood. 2 of them still were unwilling to help, but brought their guitars down and provided music.
I was proud and happy that they were at least able to work together.. DESPITE the fact that i had to break down in order for them to come together..
Thomas came in today to help.. so i got a shower...a nice long warm shower.. i got to run to the store for some errands to pick up goodies for other counselors.. got to feel the warmth of the sunshine... pick up some bidis...
AND... there apparently is a music festival October 10,11 or so.. Loki festival.. JP and i are planning/hoping to hop out there... I just need someone to take over for one day.. switch days with me... then we are golden to go.. but CAKE is going to be therE~!!!


my boys playing with photobooth

MY JOKER!!
Soo...