song for the moment

WHY do i let others dictate ow i feel?
seriously
i dont want it.. but i let it happen
i call him every single night when i am at work.. whether i feel sad or happy or exhausted...
he wanted me to come over for the last 2 nights and i couldnt because i was single staffed.
now that there are 5 staff there including staff.. 2 in 2 cabins.. one in the last cabin ..
he wont even F123213 call.. wont .. cant.. i dont know.. but t doesnt make me feel goode about myself..
:(
nope
after that long week on shift.. i was going to.. but i didnt.. and now.. after his ONE day with the kids... LESS than one day... nothing..
and im too F!@E#{129i scared to call.. too sel,f conscious... too scared that he wont answer or will not want to come.,..
whatever
goodngiht


and i dont think its the wine talking.. though i admit i did have quite too much

off shift.. The week is OVER! :/

Right.
Im off now.
Sad too.. its too drama free...
i DO like being single staffed in a way.. everything is more intense.. if things are good, i feel proud,. if things are crazy or bad i feel responsible and get sad/mad/frustrated with myself because i cant handle them. I feel like the groups ability to get along and behave is a result of me and my actions.

Yesterday one of the kids messed with another's $800 Base. He was already restricted from any and all instruments due to his rough handling of it.. playing it as if it were an intense guitar hero session. He ended up sleeping outside.. packing out for dinner and then let the other shift deal with it because i had NO idea what should happen next. At the time, I had run off after two who had had enough of the group.. were fed up.. frustrated that they had nothing.. no independence.. no life.. that the staff didn't care about them-only the money that came in.
So when one of the others came up with the Base. E. punched a cubby instead of the other kid and walked off after dumping over the other kids cubby. I was proud that he didnt hurt anyone.. though he did end up going to the hospital due to his smashed up knuckles.

OH and my favorite thing about that whole incident.. I was processing with the group (except H and E and K-E and K had gone to the doctor.. H was sitting in his bed taking a time out from group until i figured out what to do) we were ALL frustrated and anxious..
SOoooo.. i reverted back to what i do best..
PAINT!!
we all got out my paint and started splattering the wall.. .Now it looks amazing.. if you have seen "Across the Universe" with the strawberry and the dripping paint... It is kind of like that.. except on a huge white wall.. and with all colors .. we had yellow.. red.. pink.. neon green.. orange....

I was planning on visiting JP last night.. but was highly and hugely disappointed that the kids were acting out.. that the other two cabins were single staffed as well... so i did the right thing and stayed in.. :(

anyway..
Kevins birthday is today :) I text/talk sometimes.. realize even more every time how much he means to me.. how much he has influenced and impacted me on many levels.
Its also my mom's birthday
I also have to go to my other job today.
I also need a drink

Thursday.. battlefield field trip..

signing in... I got another staff for today and tomorrow! YaY!
All the kids packed out this morning because they were goofing off and late to breakfast.. which meant i ALSO had to stand out in the cold and have my coffee..

I cried again last night..
We had gone to the civil war battlefied... JP came in to help out. Which confused things a lot.. I ended up letting personal issues come in clashing with my work.. OOPS.. I ended up ignoring one of the kids.. well not REALLY ignoring him, but not responding when he asked for my notebook to write me a note. I felt horrible afterwards because then he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the evening and caused the rest of the kids to follow his lead and act up.

On the way back, the bus broke down. All 8 kids and 2 staff and the teacher were all on the side of the highway out in the TALL weeds... one of the kids was trying to pick up trash and take it on the bus. I tried to talk him down.. he grabbed me roughly by the sholder a few times while getting in my face.. intimidating but i took breath remained calm and kept talking and reminded him to get his hands off me. So...i found a way to compromise.. he leaves the trash on the ground.. we take a few flowers home and press them in the books to "keep their prettiness" ... :) YaY ..
though at the same time the other kids kept coming up behind me, trying to rile him up by knocking things out of his hand and trying to wipe mustard on him
JP left at dinner and things went to crap again. I cried again. They weren't listening again.. werent talking.. but i had a group with them, trying to figure out what the deal was.. and it worked out. ish..

its nice to have another staff...

ME and my photobooth.. playing around... this is my drinking smile.. apparantly..

I TOTALLY broke down yesterday.. Cried in front of the kids..
It was supposed to be "work time" and the kids were very defiant and saying it was gay and stupid and all this stuff.
A lot of little things had piled up throughout the day.. I had enough.. .
2 of the kids already left the group, saying "F-- this sh--" and the others were arguing with me
I cried..
I said, "I'm taking a 5.. you all know what you need to do. I dont care what you do.. I am NOT arguing anymore. I dont want to hear it.."
I went off the side and cried.. while one of the campers was bugging me, being rude, saying he had no idea why i was freaking out and acting all crazy.
I kept repeating.. "I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU DO. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. I AM NOT ARGUNG."
thankfully. they all banded together and did some work.. creating a little teepee to house firewood. 2 of them still were unwilling to help, but brought their guitars down and provided music.
I was proud and happy that they were at least able to work together.. DESPITE the fact that i had to break down in order for them to come together..
Thomas came in today to help.. so i got a shower...a nice long warm shower.. i got to run to the store for some errands to pick up goodies for other counselors.. got to feel the warmth of the sunshine... pick up some bidis...
AND... there apparently is a music festival October 10,11 or so.. Loki festival.. JP and i are planning/hoping to hop out there... I just need someone to take over for one day.. switch days with me... then we are golden to go.. but CAKE is going to be therE~!!!


my boys playing with photobooth

MY JOKER!!
Soo...

Reporting From Work

Here I Am!
Single staffed and i love it.. for the most part...
The boys are doing AMaZing considering how they were acting last time i was on shift. I am proud... happy..
It is a tad frustrating not being able to take breaks.. i kinda need my Bidi's.. but i know it will be over soon and I will be able to have coverage...
JP is gone for the week.. so I only get to talk to him at night.. no visits.. just short chats whenever we have the time...
One of the boys RAN up the road, shouting he had to talk to Thompson (the bossman) about his eating/smell issues... He was VERY upset and before Thompson had a chance to come out to talk, the kid had already pushed me a couple times.. i ALMOST fell down the hill but managed to keep my balance.. meanwhile the rest of the group was down at the bottom of the hill was falling apart.. one was trying to take of the others glasses (as he always does) and people were shouting and it was mild chaos.. but quickly we regained status and headed off to the cabin.
One of the boys was caught looking at porn last night.. poor thing was rather ashamed.. I told him that it was expected for a teenage boy to be looking at porn. PERFECLY normal.. just not appropriate timing..
Today
I seriously was VERY near tears (in fact a few excepted) I was extremely frustrated.. we had Kitchen clean up last night at dinner, today at breakfast AND again at lunch. Single staffed, it was hard to make sure everyone was on task, running in the kitchen to make sure dishes were being washed and they weren't bothering Jenny, the cook.. and then running out into the dining hall to make sure they were sweeping and stop them from humping the brooms, etc. AND my favorite camper here was acting as though he were pissed at me. I really get upset and hurt when people ignore me. THAT is one way to make me cry.. to NOT tell me what is wrong.. what i did wrong.. how i can help...
BUT at the same time, I challenged two of the campers.. took a risk.. had 2 of the kids who were easily frustrated with each other work together on pots and pans.. which meant they had to work TOGETHEr.. talk to each other.. be in close proximities.. AND they did it! no problems! no worries! One of them talked to me afterwords and was surprised, proud and pleased with what he had done.. and his ability to interact/work with the other kid who usually got on his nerves.
:)
Playing down in the canoes is a wonderfully fun activity too.. I always end up getting dumped/thrown in... I dont plan on it, i just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time..
All in all.. i am proud of how my kids are acting... and pleased that i have made it this far single staffed :)
As i said.. it was hard... is hard.. having to be within sight of all 8 teenage boys at all times.. when a lot of the times they want to do different things.. I am trying so hard to make their lives fun here.. I know this is not a happy or fun place to be.. i just want to make it decent for them.. It hurts me that they have all these restricitons on them... different people have different releases.. one kid here LIVES for skateboarding.. but he is banned from it because it is not allowed until he is level 3.. which may take at least a couple weeks.. meanwhile his mood tend to flow downhill.. I try to help give him alternative outlets..
I mean... IMAGINE being a teenager and having to be under the watch of a staff member at all times.. having meals served FOR you.. living in CLOSE proximities with 7-8 other people...
Anyway.. signing out now.. toodles!

>??????????
>?????
hello everyone.. anyone out there/?

Incubus "Love Hurts"

...im addicted to this song...
... for the moment...