MMmm
Yesterday was my last day... We went to the Big Italian church service.. then the lowering of the grave.. then back to the house..
Where my biggest love-hate relationship lasted all day...
Food.. Food.. Food.. A huge plate of fruit.. some cheeses and meats... pita bread.. and flat crispy cracker/bread.. and cookies.
I had no trouble eating that fruit.. I was hungry.....
so fruit fruit fruit plus lots of the flat cracker bread.. and 2.5 glasses of wine..
and I wanted so bad to be there with the adults.. to be part.. to be able to take part.. and space off at the same time..
but yeah.. I was foreced into the living room with Sofia for most of the time.. though we did have frequent visitors from relatives coming to say hello or play with Sofia for a brief minute or two until she got shy and hid under my dress...
Then came evening where it was just the family plus 2 other ladies..
with a tin full of peppermint bark
so i ate quite a bit of that too
but i feel so big today
so big.. and every mirror all day today and yesterday
WHY
WhY do i look in the mirror and only see my big arms.. my big this Fat that.. plump this..
why cant i see the good?

....Mature People Truths...
100% thumbs up on prettty prettty prettty much all of them, ESPECIALLY..
5. How ARE you supposed to make that folded thing look neat...?
6. seriously.. never used it.. never want to.. never will..
12. Already gave up on trying to collect anything of the sort.. thats what Netflix is for :)
13. yes yes yes...
16. waste of make up-time-effort-my only good outfit...
21. All Dogs Go To Heaven.. still cant understand why THAT was my favorite..
22. Yep-guilty every time.. would that be laziness or being strong?
24. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger...
26.. complete strangers coming together.. pure lovely
31. "Wait.. What..?"

Cranky... after staying up past 4:30 to educate myself on this newwww thing.. this newww documentary..
Waiting for Superman..

Amazing.. I WANT to/need to see it

right now i am CRANKY. and sleepy and hungry and refusing to acknowledge it.. For one thing, I can't sleep, nor lay nor rest for I have this 5 year old to care for.. Eating? I like how the hunger envelopes me... I DID eat.. carrots, blueberries, and a handful of crunchy pita chips.. and stole a sip of chocolate milk from Sofia and a CAndy cane..
and my tummy is eating itself... in a not so pleasant way... and my eyes are tired of being open.. and my mind is tired o thinking..

I just want to sleep it all off..
make it all go away.

Ooohhhhh..
I want that
so bad
That would be sooo much fun
I always take the stairs anyway
but
wow..
i wouldn't get off of them if they made music...

Okay.. just "Stumbled Upon" the most interesting article..

Harriet Brown takes on Anorexia in Brave Girl Eating

Its pretty much the same old stuff every other book and article has on Anorexia..
but there were some things that stuck out for me.. that Is IMPORTANT for others to understand...

"..It’s not a refusal—that’s what I have seen. It’s an inability to eat. The example I give parents when they’re having trouble understanding this disease is: When my daughter would sit down to a plate of food, it was like for me jumping out of an airplane. It’s terrifying. Sufferers are in a grip of compulsion and fears that are so, so huge. I do think that we have trouble understanding that, and I’m not sure why, but I hope that it is changing"...
Honestly.. that is how it feels.. I see that bagel with cream cheese.. or big plate of nachos.. and I WANT IT .. i am drooling.. my stomach is grumbling for it.. but the FEAR the sheer TERROR.. of what? the food? not necessarily...

"...There is an assumption that fat kids are not healthy and thin kids are. I think there is a big risk of triggering eating disorders when you are emphasizing weight so heavily, and for some of those kids this is going to be the thing that triggers them into a lifetime of unhealthy eating in a different way. We come in all different shapes and sizes. Not everyone is going to be a size zero even if they are eating healthy, exercising, and are happy—that’s just not the way we work...."

And from another article...

“...I was never really proud of being anorexic,” says Emily, “but one of the sickest parts of the disorder is that you do get a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from depriving yourself. To eat is to fail, and to starve is to succeed...”
...and im failing....

So..
My new favorite thing is this StumbleUpon thing.
My friend told me about it and now... All i do is press the stumble button and it gives me the most wondrous assortment of websites to browse.. to smile about..
I found some great QUOTES...

You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety – Abraham H Maslow

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. – Winston Churchill

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. – Charlie Brown

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

Today Sofia and I were playing memory, as usual... They are cards that have the alphabet.. each one has a letter and to get a match or pair you need the upper and lower case of the same letter. I LOVE those cards!! There is SOO Much to learn through them!!
We talked about vowels.. and how her name has 3 in it.. and I wrote a letter to Santa... just for fun..

Dear Santa
Please bring me chocolate. I love you a lot.

And she took the paper from me and started circling letters.. I was confused at first and then realized she was circling the vowels! I never even asked her.. and well over an hour had passed since we had last talked about it.

Tomorrow is my LAST DAY in the 2nd grade classroom!! :( I am so sad!! I have grown to love those children... even after the FIRST day!! I left a little early today so that I could try to find some treat for them.. Candy Canes? No... candy canes are everywhere.,. chocolate? mmmm....
I chose a big bag of Smarties.. No matter if they don't LIKE them or not, but the kids are SMART and SMARTIES will help them learn to be SMARTer.. because they are the SMARTest 2nd graders I know.. yea..
and then for the teachers I got a thing of LifeSavers.. because she literally saved my life by allowing me to help her in the classroom... Because of her I had a purpose.
Tomorros is the last regular day here. Get Sofia ready.. weave the traffic.. drop her off.. got to MY school.. stay as long as i can before I rush to pick Sofia up... back home.. plaqy play play.. make her dinner.. watch Wizards of Waverley Place.. be the DJ while she showers... have a popsicle.. Read to her.. lay with her til she falls asleep..
THEN
Wednesday is the funeral..
Thursday I fly home
Starting at 8:45 am.... arrive in Augusta at 11:38 pm.. LOOOONG day...
Friday I meet with my academic advisor so that I can sign up for classes... aND THEN FINALLY drive 5 hours to JP.
tehn... who knows...

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.