I am disgusting

Yea. Those 2 days in the classroom were absolutely wonderful!!
The teacher, she let me teach!! She let me grade papers!! I connected with the kids!! It was WONDERFUL!
and then I went to pick up the little one and she fell asleep on the way home
and then the loneliness came again
creeping ever so slowly
encroaching on every thought
deepening, wrapping its tentacles on every thought...
and then weekend came...

and Sunday I went to San Francisco to visit an old friend, who told me what everyone else has been telling me about JP. Pretty much to move on. To get out. To find someone new.
That is part of the reason why I AM out here.. to distance myself...
but I cant enjoy myself out here.
I dont know anyone.
only hte 5 year old girl and my aunt/uncle.
and now the classroom of 2nd graders... which do WONDERS for my soul.. but the goodness.. the happy.. the purity does not last long at all..

When I go to school in Augusta, I will be forced to stay in one place for at least a year... attending classes... getting a job...
Maybe then I will find someone who will show me the way...
Or atleast a friend.. a girl friend to have girls nights with.
Its been forever since I have been able to do something like that.. high school actually.. because college was littered and tainted with the eating disorder which disabled me from any sort of social interactions .

I have been texting a couple different people frequently lately.. one in New Orleans, one in Las Vegas,.. who are very supportive of me.. we keep talking about meeting up at one point..
but even if we did, would I be able to go thought with it? Would I chicken out?
Im NOT talking about sleeping/x or anything like that... simply GOING OUT or MEETING them.. SOOOO intimidating to me...
Even this friend on Sunday.... I was soo nervous..
I used to be so good with people..
now i get mini anxiety attacks
even going in the mall

I frequently send out little pleas for help via text.. asking for something to make me smile.. is that wrong? Is that bad?
Is that SAD?
Yes
I should be able to live my life.
I should be able to DO this.
I USED to
why can't I anymore?
mirrors are too much.

Today I broke down into tears atleast 14 times. I stopped counting. my eyes hurt but i still cant sleep.

Why can't I function anymore...

I am finally getting over the eating too much thing :)
Now I can feel that hunger in my tummy again
that comforting feeling
I do like it
i do
and its good that I am in NOT my own house and so far from the kitchen...
thats my new solution.
go to bed early
and
therefore
no more food for the night
and when I take her to school, take an apple and/or some carrots wiht me and dont go home until I take the girl home... and im too scared to eat anything in this house anymore because they make such a big deall when somethings missing or gone or messed with.
simple
or, as the little one says,
easy peasy lemon squeezy...

CONNECTION!!
After 3 days one teacher (out of 3 different schools) finaly emailed me! A 2nd grade teacher.
I am growing to love 2nd grade.
I got to hang out in the classroom today.. help out... read a book to them..
Its all wayy too fascinating to me. I LOVE it. Every classroom I step into only reinforces my curiosity.. my urge to teach.. the excitement for my own classroom someday..

JP got a job potential.. with OutWard Bound. Right up his alley... he would be doing outdoor/hiking/camping/kayaking semester programs with at risk students.... which would put him away. FAR away for at least a semester.. if not longer. I want soo bady to be happy for him.. to be encouraging.. but I want him near me.. and that job wil only take him further away.. and He SAID he was going to settle down.. Taking that job is not necessarily setting down.
My eyes literaly tear up at the THOUGHT of him being gone for so long... It has barey been 2 months since I left him this time and I struggle everyy day.

Why cant i find a friend? Why cant i go out on my own and make freinds by myself? Why dont I have confidence in myself? Why why whyyyyy cant I be okay with myself...

why cant someone just come and woo me and take me away from all of this.. show me what its supposed to be like..

Why does everything look soo awkward.. so disgusting on me..
never fails.

I can make a cd.. a soundtrack.. called "Sofia's hits"
the ones we listen to over and over and over and over
while shes in the shower.. while we are coloring.. while we are getting dressed...
I do love music..
and the music is quite catchy..


"Baby" Justin Beiber (babby babby babby OOHHH!!!!)
"Teenage Dream" Katy Perry
"California Girls" Katy Perry
"Tongihts gonna be a good night" Black Eyed Peas
"Soul Sister" Train
"Round and Round" Selena Gomez
""Break Your Heart" Taio Cruz

and im sure there are others... and will be others..
and im trying to turn her on to
Britney Spears... Beattles,... Micheal Jackson.. NSync.... Prince....
her dad hates those
and hes my dads brother
and he used to get me to do things that irritated my dad (in a HAHA way.. )
so im just getting back at him :)
=
We went to the zoo yesterday.. even though i think we only saw goats.. and went on a rollar coaster and a couple other rides and played on the playgrond.. and.... an hour lunch break
She told me she was going to find me a boyfreind.. I told her I already HAD one.. she said "but hes far far away. Hed never know. You must be lonely here. You need someone here."
kids say the darndest things.. (at 5 years old...)

Cali!
San Jose!
Thats where I am.
3 blocks from an In-And-Out burger.. supposedly the BEST BURGER EVER (by a vote of 2 or 3 people that I know quite well)
in a nice, beautiful house
living with a family.. relatives.. my dad's older brother, his Italian wife and their adopted Guatemalan 5 year old daughter.
They are a family of HIGH QUALITY
Shopping at Whole Foods, specialty stores for cheese, veggies, meat... and buy their wine from different wineries, including Peggy Flemming's winery (yes, she was an ice skater)
I get to wake up, get the little one breakfast and to school by 8:30. Then I pick her up from school at 2:40 and play play play until her mom gets home at 8 (though in that time frame I also have to get her a shower and dinner and snack..)
Not too bad.
Except it has NOT gone that way.
She got sick and so I have been home-bound since Tuesday.. and I am NOT good at being home-stuck.
And now I have come down with the sickness..

But she has been teaching me about all this new music.. how to "be cool"..
and so when she takes her shower, I play DJ and play Selena Gomez, hannah Montana, Justin Beiber and the like..
UNFORTUNATELY they are kinda catchy songs. so yes. I do sing along.

But my mind is still out of control in terms of body image/food issues..I am doing a LOT better when it comes to eating like crazy and now keep getting continualy frustrated by being stuck inside (nooo exercise, etc.) and everytime i look in the mirror my body grows or shrinks.. even when I look at myself, its different..
I did discover that the reason why my arms do look so "big" is because my arms have a lot of muscle! Go figure! I was flexing and moving my arm around and I felt it.. rock solid.. hmm..
I want to buy new clothes.. more variety, more funky, fun "Career" type clothes, but I just get so discouraged when I try clothes on,.. and when for some reason they DO look good.. I talk myself out of them or make up an excuse as to why it DOES look good for some reason...

I am still very excited to go back to school :) I want to be a teacher..
I am also very excited to go back home,, to JP.. I COULD book a ticket for the 4th.. before he is supposed to go down to Jacksonville to take his dad to some MAyo cLinic dow there.. which he may or may not back out of.. so JP does not want me to book a ticket for me to fly into Jacksonville... But I was thinking I was going to fly in the 11th, since it is the cheapest date to fly from here to there that I have found.. EVEN THOUGH it seems the majority of the nights i cry myself to sleep because despite the fact that I am with "family" (at both places) I still feel lonley and alienated from their family life.. which is to be expected, but it does not feel good in my heart./soul..

Stuck
is what I am
Stuck
in Buckley
basically, my schedule for today, next tuesday. wednesday and thursday is to get the kids up and ready for school.. walk them a block and a half to school.. and be there to walk them back home and hang around until their mother gets home (or dad.. whoever is first)
Which is fine and good and all
I adore the kids.
Its the down time
its the between time
its from 9am-3pm.
its the what do I do while the kids do homework and the parents do their own thing.
its the what do i do all day all alone with no car?

I walked an hour or more down the road and wandered aimlessly around WalMart and Fred Meyer... wasted from 9am-1pm..
and the emptiness
the being away from him.. from everything..
coming back to the house, unsatisfied with myself, my situation... feeling like I could do more (but what?)
and then stuffing my face with apple jacks from the cupboard.

and then getting angry at myself
and then vacuuming.. sweeping..
now i have nothing to do tomorrow...
the place is vacuumed, swept, dishes done, laundry done

I made dinner tonight.. Mac and Cheese.. and all three of the kids rejected it and either opted for the Easy Mac or a bowl of cereal..

And I dont mind walking walking walking all day..
i ust fear that the forecast predicts rain for the ENTIRE NEXT WEEK.
i guess that is what umbrellas are for.