So
Im still pissed off
I get way too worked up about food.. about my body.. about what I ate (or didnt eat)
when really
I am NOT big.
I may not be "small"
but
i m most certainly NOT big.
I KNOW that
I REALIZE that
but
I still let stupid things ruin my day.

Anyway
I am still stressed out about what to do with my life.
I am pretty sure I am staying here October 15 or 17 or something.. and then drive up to sunset Beach (JP;s parents)
It frustrates me and makes me sad that we have to leave before our months rent is up.,. but its gotta happen
and then I will stay a night or two with him
and hten drive over to Augusta.. fly out on the 20th.
While I am at home, I will decide whether or not I will pack for San Jose or to come back home after I am in Seattle.
I am going to babysit for my aunt (well.. her kids) for about a week or so .. walk her kids to school.. play with them on one of the days her kids have off school.. and a lot of free time during the dAy day...
and from there.. I am not sure what I am going to do..
I COULD go to San Jose to nanny for my uncle and his daughter for however long it needs to be until i can get on my feet again. From there I could stay for a LONG time.. or I could go down to Naples and meet with JP and find a job down there... or find a job in San Jose and stil nanny in between my job...
OR
I could chance it and go back to Hendersonville and see if WCCA Head Start will hire me again..
Granted.. I was not that happy when i was there last time, but at least this time i know what i am getting into.. wont have THAT high of expectations.. and know that i would rather live in Asheville than in Hendersonville..

why is life so complicated.
there are too many options.. too many opportunities out there.. how do i know whats right? i dont want to jump into something and then a week or two later realize i made a mistake..

why do i have to think so much
why cant i just take life as it comes
let it be

I keep swinging back and forth between being discouraged that i dont have a job... and no prospects..
to telling myself to enjoy what i have while i have it
I mean.. not many people are able to live in Florida.. on the beach!
but I cant keep it up if i dont have any money coming in
but then again i only got here Thursday.. started applying to places Thursday..
and Friday
and now it the weekend
so there is still hope i guess...
its just the more time stretches on, the more frustrated i get. until i remind myself of reality... its the weekend.. no one is going to hire or even look at their email on the weekend.. weekend is for play.. so ENJOY MYSELF..

I just want confirmation that we will have money coming in.. the promise ofsuch thing.. so that I can buy some actual food rather than live off ramen noodles and our dwindling coupons for free slurpees from 7-11

our time will come

HELLO!
HELLO!
HELLO!
HEre i am again!
In Florida.
Singer Island, actually! Just steps from the beach
I love it
i really do
its 700 per month.. its month to month lease.. which is good because neither of us have a job right now.. nor do we really have any prospects.
I set up an account on care.com to be a nanny.. in case nothing else works.
I would LOVE to be a nanny actually.
But also I would love to be a preschool teacher.. or work at the Zoo.. or the Children's Museum.. or a Wildlife Sanctuary type thing.
Time will tell
I was so excited about getting this place... it allows pets.
and I have been craving a kitty for sooo long (not to eat of course.. but to play with)
Pet therapy.
something to love and cuddle with and to spend money on because you need to feed it.. toys to play with it.. and all that other jazz.. which i am prepared for... once I get a job

I have done so much all my life for so many people. out of the goodness of my heart. trusting people. believing in people. telling myself that they REALLY ARE good people.. despite what other people say.. and i get manipulated.. stepped on.. etc.
Karma never seems to come back my way.

And so many people are offering me places.. opportunities..
my aunt in the Seattle area.. shes a cop now! :) She used to do so much for me when I was younger! I do wish that I could spend more time with her, because the last time i was at her place some complications ensued and I fear she got the wrong image of me.
and up in Hendersonville I still have Carina waiting.. I would sooooo love to move back.. be HER nanny... and still wish beyond wishes that i had the funds and the confidence in myself (and the economy) to buy the business from her...

but yes
here i am
in our little apartment
on the beach
pouring rain and windy as crazy outside.. but walking out on the balcony it still quite warm outside.. the rain and the wind is warming.
less than $100 in my bank account.. but at least we dont have to pay rent for the rest of the month.. and we have some ramen noodles and half a box of Capn Crunch.. and each other
and even if we dont find a job, at least we got to live on the beach in Florida!
We will just move home.. or I will go to Jody or Carina
but he DOES 100% have a job come December on the other side of Florida.. int he Everglades... so once mid November comes we might move over to the other side and share a house.. the two of us and his co-worker.. which will allow us to have a slight upgrade in quality and less pricey because it will be between 3 people (or 4 depending on if he has his girlfriend with him or not)
time will tell
i need to go do some painting (art therapy)
:)

Well.. No one showed.. no one called...
except sunday morning to tell me that the girl that was supposed to be there at 4:30 n the morning was late and tehy needed me t o come in RIGHT AWAY (it was 5:45)
so i did.
And moneys going down
and motivations still lagging ... as are the smiles..
and june 21st cant come soon enough.. more work!! Summer camp@!! kids!! activities!! singing field trips!!
and more money
because
literally
i am lowest i have ever been
and it makes me irritable
and the prozac needs to start kicking in because i want to feel it again
it.. meaning.. happy? motivated? less of that.. more of that? i dont know
but i did get NetFlix from my parents':)
And and
and
and
he got me paints :) and a big sketchbook for painting in.. and a new nice pencil.. and oooooo
I have been painting every day.
sometimes we do collaboration paintings..
painting is such a release for me
the best thing he could have gotten for me
i love i love i love it
and i always always seem to get it all over me as well.
:)_
So i am a colorful little thing
little?
no
not little
therpaists.. i had to visit mine today.. i can always tell when he is right about someting .. i get pissed off.. annoyed.. not wanting to admit it
so i clamb up and look away..
F** YOU! ITS NOT TRUE!
but realy it is
:(
truth hurts

i need a book, he says..
"When I say no i feel guilty: by Manuel Smith.
so he says.
i cant track it down at a used ook store so i have to amazon it i suppose.

Birthdays suck
well
lonely ones do
he left yesterday because he had to go on a kayak tour for the weekend.
he is soo good to me now.. really the only thing i have
yes i have people here at work that care...
I wanted to go out and get a drink or five.. forget everything..
I started seeing a therapist last week.. got prescribed porzac yesterday..
obviously it hasn't kicked in yet
well..considering how i took my first dosage yesterday

so i went to the bar.. had a drink..
money situations looking grim so i only had one.. I could have put it on my tab because the lady that owns the bar also owns where I work.. and she cares a lot about me.. I guess..
but i stayed at one
i am bad at asking for help
i had my phone with me.
i could have called anyone that i work with and they would ahve done everything in their power to come out with me
so its really my fault
i knew no one at the bar..
i sat there .. made small chat with some random dude that was there since 4pm..
he tired to invite me back to his boat to have a bbq.. but i refused (obviously)
went home
sad
alone
no call from him.. he sometimes doesnt get service.. so i left him 3 or so messages..
put on a movie and fell asleep within fifteen minutes
and woke up at 7.. not wanting to face the day at all.. but i came to work
and as soon as i walked in the door i was met with "How was your birthday!?!?!"
I couldnt utter a word and went straight to the bathroom to compose myself..
they felt bad
i could tell
they say tehy want a re-try tonight
i guess we shall see

it reminds me of that quote
which so fits me these days..
"People are lonely because they build walls, not bridges"
by John Fort Newton

and i do
i keep people out
because lonely is what im used to .. much more safe and comfortable than putting myself out there..

Hmmm..

Its 2 weeks to my birthday.
Weird..
Does not feel anywhere near summer.. atleast not today.. and not emotionally..
but I am tracking down a therapist to help talk things out.. its been wayyyy too long since i have had a good chat with a neutral person..
I keep having dreams about going back to the treatment center.. and how calming.. relieving.. releasing it is.. the pressure is off. . I HAVE to eat.. I have people to talk to all the time.. all kinds of moral support.. emotional support.. art therapy. .
He leaves tomorrow for his first multi day trip.. I am not too excited to be left alone for the weekend.. at least I have work for the next days to keep me busy,..
We have been watching LOST.. 1st season down.. and in the process of tracking down the 2nd season.,. I like Charlie. LOVE him.. and John Locke.. I have been drawn into the island .. i never thought i would.. but wow..
it really is beautiful here. surrounded by waters.. the rocky, barnacly beaches.. sprinkled with crabs.. the dark, dank forests.. the ground and trees wearing a coat of soft green moss.. all the boats in the harbor.. the smell o the waters..
but prices here.. wow.. im being wiped out just buying groceries.. it does not help that i am only working 3 days a week so far.. but June 21st the summer camp starts to keep me busy.
until then, I had this plan that i dreamt up this morning.. to send out my resume to MANY places in hopes SOMEONE needs help for a month.. but as i walked in the door to Chuch Hill today I got offered to cover for one of the girls.. She also gave me a bag of new clothes... so I will test them out tonight.. who knows.. maybe something will look good on me!!
Rachel.. my bestst friend from back in the day sent me a package the other day loaded with love, smiles and Sponge Bob towels :) MADE MY WEEK!! !They are the kind you put into water and they grow.. I am doing them one per day.. to spread out the fun.. . I miss her.. too mcuh.

heyyyyyyyy

things have been slow
slow
slow
I finally did get to work!! 3 days in a row! But still.. very slow at work too..
I LOVED when customers came in! I was even overjoyed to make a coffee/espresso drink fro them when usually i hateeee it
most of the days there were no customers and i ended up wiping down shelves over and over and organizing and washing windows and sweeping and moping and eating jelly beans nonstop

it WAS very chilly.. cold.. and still is at night and in the morning hours... but atleast the past couple days its been nice and sunny and beautiful during the majority of the day
:)
we did some hiking..

and i know things are going to heat up soon.. in terms of busyness...
I only work Saturday, Sunday Monday from 10 til close or so.. and then 4 days off.
We did go kayaking once so far.. he had one 3 hour trip that i got to accompany him on :)
LOVE it!
soon.. more cusomters will come.. it will be busy-er.. and starting June 21st , i will start the summer camp during the week and then Churchhill on the weekends..
soon.. sooon..