Well..
things have been going soo miuch better!!
I dont know why.. and i dont know how to explain it.. but i FEEL it
and we are having FUN.. clean fun..
we still have our moments.. our spats.. but they arent as intense.. I dont feel as attacked

We went to AAA to do our TripTix thingii and it turns out the route we are to take is atleast 5,200 miles..
MUCH too long.. so we need to prioritize and figure out how to make it happen.
Or if we want to go the shorter/faster way.. spend more time playing in Yellowstone and Badland and then on the way back when we have more money go the southern route...

we shall see
but for now
i am happy :)

I feel so removed from everyone... everything...
I thought i knew what i wanted.. I do think that being in Friday Harbor and working at my coffee shop and then the summer camp will be wonderful! i need it.. i need people that care and support and help me feel like me.. and happy... and i commited to be there this summer.. so i have to go
BUT
I have to get there first

thse days have been soo hard
I walked out of the house in tears twice the other day
called my dad and asked how much a bus ticket would cost from Mrytle Beach to Augusta (where my parents are)
and i try to tell him WHY I get so upset
he says im too emotional
but you arent supposed to insinuate that your girlfriend is an imbecile everytime she says something
or get mad when i bring up the money he owes me and then goes on about how he spent this and that and how he never ASKED me to pay for the things i payed for (not directly, but he would have made my time miserable if i didn't)
and how every day since we got back from Florida we have gone on some chase for those things which "make him feel normal" which i dont want anything to do with
and i feel so useless here
i wander around the house.. around the neighborhood..
my ED is doing that stupid cometiion where I need to eat less than everybody-which is hard because JP hardle eats, either because of his stomach problems (acid reflux) or the things that make him feel normal.. and he barely eats and so ifeel like some pig-glutton

and i regeret leaving henderonville so much



Yes, I was lonely.
But
If i do ever have the guts to leave him
the courage
the strength
but i have dedicated nearly 2 years of my life
denied so many job offers
spent so much money
so much time
so much of me
has gone into him
into this relationship
and it CAN work
once again i return to thte song



and the thing i he doesnt understand
he doesn't think hes f** up when he clearly is
He doesn't think he should have to pay me back as much as he should because he was f*** up when he asked for the money blah blah blah
but i truly do love him
i do

but
even if i did end it
where would i start over?
would i go to my coffee shop in the san juan islands where i am loved and accepted,.. even though he will be wokring there?
i just denied 2 Zoo jobs.. and left my teaching job. for him... left Ziggy fun friend.. left so much,.
my heart would break

and the thing is
i coould make it work here.. with him.. because i have..
but Ziggy helped show me again fun life
and various other people too
JP can be fun at times.. but he gives the best hugs. makes me feel safe and warm.. takes care of me...
i dont know
i dont know
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
.....

I still hate mirrors.
And I have to wonder… IF I did lose a certain amount of weight.. and it was noticeable, wouldn’t SOMEONE comment on it?
Not my parents (Even though I haven’t seen them in awhile)
Not JP (Even though I haven’t seen him in almost a month)
Yesterday was supposed to be our last trip. A 5 hour trip. But he had a mini siezure in the middle of the night and shortly after I came down with the cold shivers and puked for nearly an hour until I fell into sleep talking deliriously to JP who I m not sure if he was awake or not anway.
The next day he had one again in the morning and cancelled the trip. I admit I was dissapointed and he thought I was blaming him or mad at him because I couldn’t go on the trip. I tried to make him see that I was not dissapointed or mad at him.. I was mad at the situation. I hated (and still do) for him to have to go through that.
I had 4 more bouts of shivers and puking. He has had 3 more of his.. it terrifies me. And he doesn’t eat much and everytime I bring that up he accuses me of bringing up food or me getting jelous that he eats less than me. Frustrates me.. because I AM serious.. I did go through treatment 3 times and I KNOW its not good to live off of what he does-especially doing what he does. And yes it DOES mess with my head/ED. I cant help but feel like some pig when I bring out some Wheat Thins and Hummus and he gets excited.. had 4 and is full.. meanwhile I eat what seems like is half the bag and the only reason I put it away is because I am feeling embarassed.
Now Im sitting out here in my hammock.. relaxing in the sun.. trying to tame the voices that tell me, “GET MOVING OR GET FAT” and listening to music about relationships where I question the realities of their bliss. I can imagine that there are times.. but I know ful well it isnt all fun and games.. not all kisses and hugs..
The other day we were out on a trip with 3 french people.. we were talking.. they brought up france.. I mentioned that when I went there all I really ate was french bread and croissants.. which spurred into a conversation about french food. The next day I talked with a lady who taught art to mdidle schoolers. I asked if she had ever finger painted with them. She had did some work in art therapy as well, so I figured she would understand that I was serious.
Later on, JP told me that I needed to stop doing “that” .. what is “that”? ..being childish.. he brought up those 2 examples. I cant help that that is the way the conversations went. He said it was embarassing to him. That’s the way I am. I am sorry. That’s just the way I am.
I have been realizing that he reminds me a lot like my big brother. I don’t know if it has been throughout the whole time or just since I came down.. but his constant criticism of things I do, his tone of voice.. his swearing at me because I’m daydreaming while we are kayaking and I run into some tree branches and whack my paddle. How I can ask him a simple question and he can have that TONE in his answer that’s basically saying “what a dumb question”

I do not like mirrors. I do not like what I see. And they mess with my head.. (except they don’t just “mess”, they “f****” because its more than just a “mess”)
in fact today.. at the airport I went into one and was completely disgusted by what I saw. I retreated into myself and wandered around not starting at anyone, closed off, cranked my music, refused to buy food/snack even though I was hungry. I just DID not like what I saw.
A little later, I gave in and went to the Grove snack place where you can buy snacks by the pound.. I got gummies and some candied/toffee peanuts.. It came to be $4.09.. I had $3.. so I dug and dug in my bag for change.. was sooo close.. and then all of a sudden I heard a clinging of change hitting the floor. It was too far from me to have fallen from my bag, so I looked around to see if someone dropped it and I saw this table of (hott) guys staring in my direction.. so I picked it up, paid for my purchase and turned around to thank them… kind of wanted to stay, but felt too vulnerable/dumb being me so I left.. on my way back to my gate I checked in the mirror again and (even though it was a quick glance) I had a smile of satisfaction..
Yes.. I suppose it could have to do with the fact those guys helped me out (And WoW all of them were..like.. rugby type guys... looked like they could get ruff, but at the same time almost too “pretty” for me)
☺
and Now I wait.
I got tired of wandering the airport and my eyeballs ache. In 2 and a half hours I will be in Florida.
And I know hes going to coment on how he hasn’t eaten anything. And I know I am going to review in my head every SINGLE bite/crumb I ate and compare and feel like some pig.
As always.
I want so badly to ACCEPT myself.. my body.. And I hate mirrors because each time I look in them I look different.. my belly is bigger or flatter or I am more tan or red bits over my face or smooth skin.. It depends on the lighting.. what happened previously.. who I interacted with and how it went. FAT IS NOT A FEELING.
So I listen to light hearted songs.
So I talk to people that bring me UP and are not emotional vampires.
I do not need emotional vampires. I do not need my soul and happiness sucked out of me.

And I have been craving sugar.. pure sugar pretty much.. in the form of gummi bears, chocolate, gummi worms, strawberries dipped over and over again in sugar..
And I hate it
Because I know what is going ot happen if I keep on this eating plan.
Each night I tell myself I am going to start in the morning eating Cheerios (even if it has some sugar at the bottom of the bowl) and later on a salad-or even a SANDWICH! instead of not eating breakfast/lunch and snacking all day.
I will get it one of these days.. hopefully before my body starts expanding too much..

I am going to miss Carolina.. and I got calls from 2 people I work with/for yesterday giving me good wishes for the future and that I always have a place to work if I come back..

YOU WERE BORN AN ORIGIONAL-DON’T DIE A COPY

Hello!
Back again!
with pep and vigor
i guess...

So i left it all behind yesterday.. my wonderful job that kept me afloat.. the huggable children..
they had a going away party for me.

how strange, wonderful, sad and frustrating it is that I never realize how much people appreciate me until its "too late"
I live in this world where I see the most wonderful qualities in everybody around me.. I have never met a person I did not like.. i tend to only on the awe and beauty and uniqueness.. I trust.. I dont seem to see the "negavites" and if i i do, the goodness always outweighs..
but when it comes to me.. why would people WANT to be seen with me?
I used to ahve this fear.. back with one of my ex's (my only REAL ex) that he didnt want to take me places because i was so weird.. that he wasn't proud of me.. that he didnt want to be seen with me.. a lot of it has to do with Kyle too.
As much as I loved my brother, he messed with my head in such a way it is so hard to recover.. at times I REALIZE what I am thinking/doing is illogical and untrue, but its so much easier..

Anyway.
ramble on ramble on is what i do :)

Today.
My break from everything.. to a degree.. I get to paint outside in the beautiful sunshine in my swimsuit, the soft Georiga sun enhancing the vibrancy of hte colors as I squeeze half the tube onto my canvas and spread it around and around watching hte colors swirl together.. reds and blues and oranges and yellows and pinks.. until most all of my paint is gone.
Soon i will go kayaking for more think-time
Tomorrow I fly to JP down in Florida. to kayak and relax in the Sunshine State.. then driving up to his parents in Sunset Beach, NC
and then across the county to Washington state.. to Friday Harbor where a job at a summer camp waits for me. .as welll as ChurchHil Coffee and my friends i made there last summer. I look forward to it and am excited!! CANT WAIT!!
btu at the same time i have to stop to remind myself that I wasn't ALL happy there.. just look back in my blogsss!!

I am all about magnifying the happy times and disinigrating the bad times.. if that makes sense..
and I know this road trip will wear me down.. like it did last time.. but I want to make it work.. I want to go to Zion and to Grand Canyon and he has all these wonderful plans and ideas to visit different places but, realistically, I know we wont be able to do all of it.. so i try not to get my hopes up.

On another note.. with all this moving aorund and not being able to stay put.. free-spirit yes.. I am that.. but it isn't all about free spiritedness. People ARE right.. I am running.. constantly on the go.. in life.. even minute to minute it is so hard for me to stay still.. and living in one place for an extended period of time.. yes I get bored with the monotony.. and excited at the prospect of NEW!!
but
once again
as the days close in to the day I leave, things start going uphill .. I start realizing that i CAN make it on my own/in this town..

And.. EVERYTIME i come home
EVERYTIME
I am insatiable.
and its frustrating.
too much food in the house.. too much GOOD munchiness..
when my dad is there I am able to handle it.
I love my daddy :) we snack together... play Wii.. have hte same dorky sense of humor..
I love my mommy too.. but in a different way.. and its so GREAT that shes happy lately!! (even though the only thing she talks about is Farmville..) i love to see her soo happy and chatty and yelling at me from downstaris to log on and check facebook because she found some brown egg whcih If i GET i MIGHT be able to hatch a cottage for my farm...
(:
looveeeee

and today
i decided
(after doing 2 videos and a 6.5 mile hike)
that i am going to eat
not deny
at least today its going okay
i made DELICOUS dinner
of mixed veggies stir fried with some chicken and curry paste.. mmm..
and stopped by the grocery store to get some groceries.. AND sour gummi worms.. yes i ate more than i would have liked, but hey....
its okay
its okay
its okay
one day at a time
one hour at a time
its going

I want to break out of my comfort zone
but when i am about to.. offered the opportunity.. to spend the night at somenes house (enjoy myself and drink so i cant drive home)/. i stop drinking..sober up quick and drive home.. or chicken out on going OUT and instead opt to play board games .. which is fun in itslef.. but i do know i would have fun going out
and
really badly want to kayak or rock climb or camp this weekend.
Ziggy is going to be gone.. my only solid connection to fun..
i need to think of alternatives..
one day at a time..
things iwll fall into place..

And as sad as it is
and as much as i hate to admit it

I HATE That i cant be anorexic anymore

i hate it
i hate it
i cant even be..
it used to be so easy
weight used to fly away
and now