TODAY
was a snow day
should be a happy day!
snow!
beauty!
snowflakes!
piling up!
time to make snow men.. snowball fights.. warming up with cocoa.. sledding..
but i have this way
lately
of making everything hard
I went to the YMCA for my job.. only to learn that the ChildWatch (child care) was closed.. since SCHOOLS were closed.. so the Y closed their child care..
so
i went back home
got antsy
called JP and started crying by the sound of his voice
he sounds so happy... so content.. so excited about his new job
and that is a good thing
and sometimes i am able to be excited for him
but
all i can think of is how far away he is.. and how long it will be until i see him.. and how much happier he seems now than when he was with me
(even though the reason why he wasnt content here is because he had nothing to do.. and was stressed about going to the Everglades because information was sketchy and he had no idea basically what he was getting into...)
so its obvious that he is going to be happier.. all that stress gone.. now that he knows what hes getting into.. he has a place (before his co-staff was saying stuff like "I think i might have got a place pinned down it may be around 300-600 a month.." etc. so we didnt know what exactly that meant..)
and he lives right on the main drag (which isnt saying much since it is Everglades city.. the size of a postage stamp) surrounded by palm trees.. and always goes on about how hott it is.. the animals.. the kayaking hes going to do.. etc.
and it makes me sad that i dont get to be with him when hes happy
and that im stuck back here in the cold working to get back the money that i spent on him (well.. for the past couple months it had been more for "us" than "him") so that if i DID want to leave.. i could afford it
Too much free time..
in fact i have this quote..

The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

i had the whole day
and keep remembering how nice it was to have him to calm me down.. with him there it was "okay" for me to lay down and watch a movie during the day.. alone.. i dont deserve it.. i guess? .. i haven't earned the right to relax and lay down since i hadnt DONE anything yet...
So.. i trekked out in the snow.. went on a journey.. with shoes that were NOT AT ALL Adequate for snow.. and no jacket only a sweatshirt which got pretty soaked quite quickly..
i went to the ABC store.. browsed the aisles of liquer.. debating on if i should go for cheap, flavor, curiosity, nostalgia or random? i ended up somewhat splurging on a $19 bottle of Absolute PEach..
and then wandered by the thirft stores hoping one would be open so i could atleast buy tennis shoes or a coat.. none were open..
wandered to Harris Teeter for hot cocoa (and free samples)
then to Rite Aid for a back up reserve of cigarettes.. just in case i felt like i needed some quick head rush.. i guess..

then back home
to play Wii Fit..
to watch Candy
Candy
that movie.. reminds me so much of JP and I.. just the way they love each other.. need each other.. rely on each other.. except we are also QUITE different in many ways than those two.. but the point is, i related to it.. i cried.. for me.. for JP.. for the couple on the movie.. for my want to escape in a bad kind of way

then later on i went for a walk in the snow.. at night.. VERY cold.. and wet cuz i had no other shoes.. nor did i have another pair of pants (excpet for my flare jeans which would have gotten even more soaked than the ones that were already wet)
the snow is deep now
it has stopped falling for the most part.. and is at that eerie time of night.. the stillness.. pure white below.. grayish brownish black clouds form the ceiling.. and the town is deserted..

and now im back
and even tho its been a long, lonely day..
i havent opened the drink.. and only 1 cigarette-which i didnt even finish-and it was the "short" kind..

but i still have 2 more days.. Saturday and Sunday.. and my cars snowed in.. and besides that, the Anti Lock Brakes are on the verge of falling apart.. so i dont think i should drive much..
and im stuck
i did stop by the neighbors across the hall to drop off a couple donuts that i bought from the bakery in order to bribe people to come visit (didnt work) .. they are nice.. just chillin, watching Family Guy.. i kind of wanted to stay.. but the overbearing smell of cigarette smoke made me retreat quite quickly

and so tomorrow is another day of nothing
so i paint again
so i Wii again
so i read some
so i watch a movie (If i decide that i am "allowed")

I Want to just get over all of this
i dont know where i turned
i used to be so happy.. so care free
now .. everything seems so ....sooooo,.... hard.. so much work.. so out of reach..
and i keep eating to fill that void.. the sadness.. the loneliness.. the JP being gone.. the no friends.. food is a friend. it is there. it makes me feel good (at first at least) its pleasurable. it fills me up
but really
what i need/want to be filled up with is satisfaction with life.. filled up with friends.. filled up with LIFE..
.......

i just feel so wholesomely lost
alone
scared

And just like that
hes gone
for 4 months
leaving me with no supoprt.. no friends..
but hey.. at least i have 2 jobs.. which will change in January when i start with Head STart.. she claims she can promise 5 days a week 8-2 or 3..
but whenever i am in there.. the Head STart i get the strangest vibe.. like confinement..
i suppose i need to give it a chance
i just need friends
but whenever he leaves.. i have no motivation.. no effort left over to try to make friends.
i guess it doesnt help that i am working a lot.. or if i am not i am with him.
and now hes gone
and i have all this free time
and no one to come home to
no hug
no movies
no shared meals or snacks.
instead i come home to an empty apartment.. decently warm in one room.. frigid in the other.. and in the bathroom..

but my parents came Satruday.. dropped off my Christmas presents since I wont be going with them to Seattle for Christmas. :(
I opened them up already... to my joy it was a Wii!! So now i have a Wii.. Wii fit..
which is fun
but
today
no
its not

The studio is fun when people are there.. but the hours are long when no one is there.. YMCA--i go there for the kids.. finding myself attached to them. . looking forward to certain ones.. preparing myself and the room for others.. but no structure.. no challenge.. becomes old quickly

my money is low
due to him and to the stupid emotional vampire that is in jail now and wanted me to bail him out for $2,200.. NO
he has done NOTHING for me but make me cry.. bring me down.. manipulate.. trick.. take my money with NO conscience..

and i wonder how happy can i really be here?
How can i make friends?
If only one of the restaurants will hire me.. that will open me up to a new group of people..
whenever i went in to apply to be a waitress.. there were plenty of people my age.. that acted interested in me.. that seemed interesting..

instead i came home today
had a slice of toast with peanut butter.. called him.. no answer.. grew restless.. had some ice cream.. went to the bathroom.. went on the computer... ate half a box of Honeycomb.. went to the bathroom.. and now
now what?

Well..
long time.. no post
so here goes
quick recapp
Still working at the studio.. LOVING when people come in.. enjoying cleaning.. organizing.. sweeping.. refilling.. when no ones there.. its like my 2nd home
Still working at the Y in the mornings.. loving the kids.. getting to know them.. their genuine happy smiles when they see me as the door opens.. a couple even come straight to me for a hug before they play.. getting better at setting my foot down-consequences.. making them apologize to each other when one throws blocks at another.. trying to instill the concept of SHARING and if not taking the toy away.. "practicing" for Head Start..
Still waiting on Head Start.. The background check comes in sometime this week.. then the will take me in for a couple days of "substitute" work so they can observe and see if i work well with the kids.. if i know what i am doing
which i do
i am 99% sure.. but still nervous..

And if that doesnt work out i think i might run away again.
New Orleans.. Portland.. Austin..

I just cant be satisfied. i dont know why. I SHOULD be content. 2 wonderful jobs... coming home to my bf every night/day... plenty of time off to do whatever..

And JP has been helping me out a lot in the food department.. i used to be terrified of bagels.. they were what we ate at the treatment center when we knew we had to gain a certain amount of weight by the next day.. so therfore bagels=weight gain to me
even though i used to LOVE them
and now... now he has atleast one every night.. and I started off denying any bites.. and then i started taking a bite when he offered.. remembering how DELICIOUS they were.. now i can safely and sanely take a forth of one..
and chicken dishes.. Hes gotten me to eat chicken again.. we shared a 10 peice of Chicken nuggets the other day.. (i had 2)
hes heling me be more assertive... saying no.. trying not to let people walk all over me.. feeeling good about myself..

but every time i have a day off and its beautiful he has some ailment.. a migrane.. sore from rock climbibng the day before.. etc.

and then there is this emotional vampire.. this guy.. it started off i gave him some money to buy me something.. he never came back.. He promised to pay me back.. he just needed $50 to get access to it and hed pay me back everything he owed.. and in the endd.. no money for me.. this happened quite a few times..
it is sooo hard... because he seems genuine.. he seems sooo soo very nice,.. he makes me laugh.. he made me dinner once.. he actually seeks me out.. talks ot me.. but he pretty much owes me $300..
so i am giving up on him
the last few times we talked all ic ould do was cry because it rips me apart. I want to help him so bad. but emotionally and financially I cant afford it anymore.
he is one that makes me want to run away from here

and the lingering knowledge that soon i will be without JP for 4 whole months.
its the hugs.. the waking up next to him.. the going to sleep next to him.. the way he has introduced me to soo many new foods that i am becoming comfortable with.. the hugs.. the bringing me down sandwitches when i am working downstairs
(He got me to eat a sandwich.. and as stupid/silly as it sounds.. I havent had a sandwitch since the treatment center nearly 2 years ago.. and he got me to eat one.. cheese, turkey, bread and butter pickle and butterbread.. AMAZING)
and just the emotional support.. walking down to Kilwins to share an ice cream.. renting random documentaries from the library which i most always end up falling asleep..
but 4 months
it terrifies me
will we drift apart?
would it really be all that bad?
is that what is supposed to happen?
I dont . I do love him .
but..

and would be happier here in the beautiful NC? or the ecclectic Portland where I already have 2 friends and am closer to MANY MANY more scattered throughout Washington.. near Crater Lake and the Oregon Coast where i Grew up... Or maybe the dirty, crazy New Orleans that I used to live in that is never boring.. kinda scary.. kinda creepy.. bourbon street.. the ZOO!!!.. interesting people.. parades.. random street performers and music.. voodoo and vampires.. near where i went to treatment once so i could do outpatient there... Or Austin.. beautiful.. hot.. warm.. cowboys.. music.. ..

why do i have to continually question and wonder
why cant i just be happy
WHY do we have the right for the "pursuit of happyness"
why cant we just have the right to happyness
why do we have to puruse happyness
many things do make me happy. exploring the city.. walking in the sunshine.. playingh N64 with freinds.. painting ranomly.. talking to new people.. cooking.. baking.. trying new foods.. rock climbing.. kayaking.. browsing.. eating ice cream..

but money brings me down.. losing it.. spending it.. and i can spend all i want on JP or helping out that friend
but i cant buy MYSLEF new clothes.. or my favoprite ice cream.. or rock climbing equipment.. which is another reason why i cant ever go rock climbing with him
cuz i spend my money on rent. food, him, that other guy, gas, gifts for others.. but i cant even buy myslef a harness nad shoes so that i CAN have a day of happyness.. they would last forever and i could go anytime
but no
i cant "afford" that.. but i CAN afford other thigns that are more expensive that arent for me

i need a therapist still
sooner the better.

hmm..
broken down again
i keep getting my hopes up.. expectations high,.. ready for fun.. nad then something happens and it all crashes to the ground
or i mess it up unconscously
or i get distracted by some other opportunity.. thinking it might be a better way to go because it has better pay.. is more stable.. more directed toward kids..
(I got a call from Head Start.. interested.. I go to visit their school Monday to observe and see if it fits with what i want to do.. then comes hte interveiw.. then etc.)
so..
Head Start.
good pay... good credentials.. solid.. my own group of kids that come by every day.. helping out kids that otherwise wouldnt get the help they needed.. nurturing the kids that dont get that kind of love at home-because their parents arent able due to work-NOT that their parents dont want to...
but i am not good at disciplining children.. though i have gotten better at ChildWatch at YMCA.,, i get nervous when there is another adult there.. thinking they are watching-critiquing-noticing everything im doing wrong.. so much structure.. so much responsibility
... i think i can do it.. i know ican... its only 6-3 or 7:30-4:30d.. $9.50-$11/hour.. 10 months out of the year.. pay for further education
the more i think about it.. it sounds like the smarter route to go

but i will miss the studio so much if i do go that route
the busy days when people come in and i get to sit and chat and mingle and inspire and help create..
and Carina has been sooo sooo good to me
i am not giving up hope yet.
i am just scared that i cant live off of what i will make at the studio.. and no time off to rock climb.. play.. etc.
but i will be kept busy which is what i love.. and i will get to be creative.. talk to all kinds of people from all walks of life and all marks of the totem pole.

then i wonder
if i made a mistake coming here
JP left today after being here a week (?) i think
(to check in on the family.. to avoid having to mooch off of me.. to make some money.. etc.)
and i was all off kilter all day
eating eating eating getting sick
calling my mom and dad for a good 2 hours
crying when i thought of having to wait 4 months when he finally does leave in December

and then i think of Christmas and how i wont get to go to seattle to visit my family (most likely)
and Thanksgiving when i wont have time off to go home beacuse my parents are taking a week long trip to visit my little brother up in New York
and i cant get ahold of anyone i know in Asheville to pass the time this weekend when i actually DO have time off.

i need to learn patience
not to rush things
to enjoy
i dont need to eat all of the cCapn Crunch tonight.. it will still be there tomorrow and taste JUST as good (or even better since after the 1st bowl it is more of a uncontrollable punishment;/gluttonous thing or so it seems)

"Everythings gonna to be alright~Everythings goinna be alright~Everythings gonna be alright~everythings gonna be alright~.."


"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery~None but ourselves can free our minds."

"Don't worry about a thing,-'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right!"

......No wonder they call Bob Marley a legend...

Super excited about the prospect of owning the studio... taking it over... loving it.. working it..
And i would love to keep Carina around to help me out when I needed
money issues scare me
overwhelming

i need to see who has money to spare... to help me.. so i can SLOWLY make my way to owning the whole thing

I can imagine the capacity of work
the hours to be put in
the phone calls to schools and so much more
working all the time at the studio
loading and unloading the kiln
pottery wheel to use at my own convenience..
working with customers.. making them feel welcome.. chatting it up..
networking

pretty much married to the business
but
it would keep me busy
i would get to see it grow with what i do
and have Carina to go to for help when i need it

i cant wait to start working full time
seeing what it really takes
reassure myself that i love it

its just that i will spend years paying off a loan... until i finally pay it off will i begin to actually profit..
but
i want it
badly

i am happy though
living with Carina
i spent soo long on the wheel last night.. centering.. getting messy..
LOVE it
playing with Orlando
always having someone to talk to
a mentor
support system

still waiting for my apartment
waiting to make my life happen
though it is happening now.. i just feel like i am coasting at the moment.. in that timewarp.. holding off..
and for JP to come to me
and
PATIENCE is needed
i love it here
i need to learn to commit.

WHY am i so attached to him?
I feel so sad and empty...
is it because i am home?
is it beacuse he isnt with me?
Orrr
the fact that the apartment i have my heart set on wont be ready for who knows how long.. the girl cant seem to find a new place to move into.. i guess.. she keeps waiting for credit checks and whatnot to go through.... and is checking on a new place sunday
i just want to move in
i just want him with me
i just want to work
i just want everything to be alright again


and my parents want me to go back to school
and im nervous about this pottery studio thingie.. wanting it bad but scared that its not the right path
keep thinking of how much fun i had wotking at the zoo. and and childrens museums. and how good it felt to work in the hospital as i was working to be a child life specialist
but the zoo- i try.. no one hires me
childrens museums- no openings.. or no one will hire
child life - would have to go back to school.. or at least take a certification exam.. PLUS there is little to no work available..

so off i go
to get my 5,000 out of my CD account at one bank.. deposit it in another..
head to hendersonville to stay with Carina and babysit her lovely little one..
and wait
for my apartment to be open (i have been looking for others but there simply are not any)
wait
to see if i like working with the studio
wait
to see if i can be happy.. or at least satisfied with life