It was soo pretty up in the mountains
and chilly too
and all of everything came back to me
all the happy times at talisman
the pottery studio
living in Flat Rock
playing it up at the irish bar/pub
the place is so pretty that i might move into
right in downtown.. on main street
just waiting for the girl to move out
waiting for confirmation on the job at the YMCA
going to take it slowly in terms of deciding if i want tot ake over the business
whatever happens happens
i just want it to start

Soon enough i will be out of here
i am so much more than ready
we were supposed to head out today.. spend the night with a friend of his in Spartanburg so we would be closer for my interveiw and for when i babysit. but the way things went last night i couldnt get to sleep and he wasnt ready to sleep-too busy doing-finishing what he got.
I told him too
i told him that there was no way we were going to make it anywhere because we would sleep too late
which got him mad because that would mean he was wrong.. i guess
but we woke up at 2:30
thats a new record
i dont like living like this.
i almost went home today
but it as already 3 or so by the time i decided.. which would get me in at 8..
and i didnt feel like spending the entire day driving.

I am soo ready to go
it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.. not knowing what the day is going to bring.. if is he soing to be oka with watching tv.. if he has some scheme. if he is going to pass out on me..
and we stay up soo late.. even though i am past the point of tired at around midnight.. he is NOT at all.. so i try so hard to stay awake to keep him company.. "I wish we had something to do" he would say.. i would think, YEA LIKE GO TO SLEEP

= I AM going to start off with him moving in with me.. but if things dont get better i am sending him back home. I DO need him but it hurts so much and i hate seeing him drugged up and

Last night he passed out at 8, i tried to wake him up multiple times. started crying because i was sick of being lonely. I had no where t go since i was too late to drive home, his parents were asleep upstairs. I was in NO mood to watch tv or read. I wanted HIM.. AWAKE.. so i kept crying.. went back adn forth from the back porch listening to music and back to him. Wishing that when he woke up he would come find me and feel bad. but i knew that when he woke up he wouldn't come looking for me. He would look around.. see that i was not there.. be like "whatever" and go do it again..
so when i finally woke him up he started getting pissed off "Alyways crying, your always crying. what is it this time." and then he locked himself in the bathroom saying he had to go to o the bathroom. I told him he was a liar and to open the door cuz i KNEW what he was doing in there.
He yelled back that he wasn't a liar, sighed that exasperated sigh that means "Im so sick of this/you" and continued doing what he was doing.
i left to go outside
came back in because i couldn't take the thought of him thinking me to be a bitch
so i said "im sorry. i was just upset that you were asleep when all i wanted to do was to spend time with you'"
"TO dO whaT?? this?" he asked indicating toward the drugs.
"NO!"
"Then what? to fuck?" he asked in such a DISGUSTED manner. (making me feel as though having sex with me was the last thing he wanted to do)
"No!... I dont know.. to talk.. to watch tv.. to be with me..."
"Whatever" and he shit the door and continued what he was doing..

later he went out to get one more cuz apparently i made him so upset with my crying that i made him lose one pill and i offered to buy him another..
he came back with a pill for me.. and other stuff for us to share
that is NOT the kind of pick me up present i wanted.
cotton candy would have been nice.. strawberries.. an apple. even a rock ont he side of the road.. but no.. he brought back tjis other stuff as a way of making me happy.
i was too tired to say or do anything.
so i got it over with and fell asleep.

now what?
He has this elaborate plan of going up to the mountains.. staying with a friend in Spartanburg,,. a friend in Boone.. and then Hendersonville on our way home.. but we apparently cant do it without "supplies"" and I had nothing to do with those "Supplies" getting gone so quickly.

a nd hes done so much he pukes all the time
and then when he does get the sense to eat its fruit cups and italian ice and pickles. i try to get it through his head that there is NO WAY he is going to gain weight if he eats those things. heneeds peanut butter. ice cream... etc.

meanwhile
i eat
and feel like shit
as usual

Decided
after months of hoping
of waiting
of wishing
to get a job down near where he is
i am done
done looking
done searching
done hoping

and am going home
where I am wanted
to Hendersonville again.

He is back to his same old ways... worse sometimes.. better others..
but i think the WORST is that he has me roped in deep now too.
getting me to like the things he does
getting me to feel that rush
and i love it
and i HATE that
and i need to get away
from him?
get both of us away from this house?
I dont know
but
i know I need to go back to where I was last happy
and things are coming together
I have an apartment garunteed once the girl moves out..
some work back at my pottery studio where I love
plus potential work at the YMCA as a Child Care Aide.. with benefits of free usage of the YMCA.
I am going to clean up
do right
live life the way it is sUPPOSED to be lived
let people into my life
talk to people
and if someone wants to show me how a girl is SUPPOSED to be treated
and i happen to fall for him
is that so wrong?

i am ready to leave

This time.. going back to him was WONDROUS
he was there
the whole time
his sister came to visit for a bit too
we all went to the beach and i played in the waves and played and they knocked me over.. knocked me down.. untied my swimsuit..

Oh yea.. his mom bought me a bikini.
and i actually wore it
and i actually like it
as long as i dont lookin the mirror too long

the beach was soo much fun
the waves were brutal
he came after an hour.. he had to take his dad to the doctor.. and then he came
and he came in the water with me
:)

and every thing he does
every thing he says
the way he looks at me
i can tell
more than ever

and little Taylor came to play
and i LOVE that she cuddles with me on the couch.. or that she made me hold her while we went to the hospital (where we were dropping her off with the grandparents she lives with who were visiting JPs uncle/the grandparents son) and wouldn't let me put her down... and how as soon as she sees me she runs and hugs me to the point she nearly knocks me down

and when i get bored i just walk down to the end of their pier.. crawl up the banister on the end and sit there watching all the boats go by.. wishing i could be on one..
its so peaceful

and we have been watching Breaking Bad. VERY intense show.. its gripping.. captivating.. and seriously.. i get so into it that when it is over.. or we pause it i have to stop and remind myself where i am.. who i am with.. what day it is..

lots of boring times we filled up with fun

and today i woke up so so very sad
which wasnt the best thing.. leaving him when i was sad.. but that was PART of the reason i was sad.

and i feel lazy
but i stil havent done a whole lot about it today

but
HAPPY NEWS
i have a job interview with the Audobon Insectarium in New Orleans October 2nd.
At first i thought it was a phone interview, but it turns out it is a interview i have to GO to..
which isnt necessarily a BAD thing
i just need to recruit someone to come with me
and really..
who WOULDNT want to go to New Orleans?

:)

I am scared to get too excited
scared to get too hopeeful
i have been hurt too much
but i cant help myself

NOTHING but sad

1. I got a call from ATT wireless today...
when i moved out of the cottage in Flat Rock I left the wireless for Zack and JP.
JP went home and i left the wireless for Zack.
I guess we should have switched it to his name
because today I had to pay $460 worth of internet I DID NOT USE.
and Zack still owes me from when I bought his tattoo... atleast $135
and i cannot get ahold of him.. and he will not call me back

2. no calls.. no emails but rejection emails
I keep hoping.. thinking that the places I applied to are waiting for the applicants to pile up and then they will start with the interviews.. but hope is waning-so is patience and happiness
I grew up beleiving that I would be a good girl
that i would be one of those that would just get a job right out of college.
because i AM smart and talented
but now i feel like a failure
still living with my parents
no job.. low on money.. etc.

3. i miss JP

4. my car is still in the shop.. the FIRST one we sent it to-it sat in the parking lot for a week.. then he teetered with it.. 2 weeks later he decided he could do nothing with it. SO my parents transfered it to ANOTHER place Friday (I would have but I was gone..boy do I love my parents) and THAT place will supposedly have the "diagnosis" tomorrow (Thursday).
It is a good little car
Lasted me though college-PLUS the year before..

5. Kayaking on the river is sooo frustrating because the water is SOO low due to the dams..
It is hard to paddle when every time you bring your paddle up, it is covered in seaweed.

6. Exercise... moving.. eating right
nothing
still look icky
GRANTED it hasnt been a whole long time
but piled on top of everything else.. and the short hairdo
mirrors are hard to look at


BUT
GOOD THINGS

I bought a size 7 pair of flare jeans at Target..
YAY
I like them

I went to water aerobics.. ALONE.. and danced in the water with a bunch of saggy old ladies
LOVE
inspired me to be a swim teacher.. because for the half hour before (i got there way too early out of nervousness) i watched a class of 5 four year olds jumping, splashing, playing, laughing in the water... I want to be that teacher

I wrote down the numbers of volunteer opportunities here in Augusta... the YMCA.. sent an email to the local schools asking what I could do while I was here.. the Animal Shelter (which doesnt have training for another 2 weeks)

NEXT UP

---convince my mom and dad the benefits and necessity of pet therapy.. how it would help my mental/emotional situation at the moment and forevermore
---garter belt
--once my car is done.. go to visit my friend Amanda and take a Pole Dancing class OR OR OR get up the courage to do it myself at the one here in Augusta...

soo..
home again
after super fun with Emily...
home for a night..
freaking out cuz the car wasnt ready..
dad let me use his car
and i went to him Thursday night
happy reunion
made my worries disappear.. atleast the ones of him being sick of me...
but hes still not well off
too much time on his hands and money in the bank..
there were fun tiimes though :)
that first night was nice..
Friday.. was a dud.. involving going back and forth to the DMV 3 times only to find out he couldn't get a new license (he lost his) because he has to pay a fine from an arrest/something that happened back in 2002... crashed early.. leaving me to wonder what to do for the rest of the night
Saturday.. we went to Taylors birthday party in Myryle Beach at an arcade.. he was out of it-but functional and we were able to play some games.. walk to the pier.. and decide that New Orleans would be a fun place to move... once again he crashed early..
Sunday.. we drove out to Myrtle beach with his mom and sister so they could all visit their uncle in the hospital.. crazy things happened that involved phone calls and i felt left out cuz i had NO idea what was going on.. it turned out little Taylor got to go with us for hte day while her grandparents went to visit the uncle in the hospital.. ANYWAY.. we went to a cool little boardwalk and Taylor and I had a ball feeding fish and finding all kinds of cool little shops and stores and themed restaurants and riding the Pirate Ship ride and then going to JimmyBuffet's Margaritaville.. i mostly hung with her.. but JP did come and walk beside me.. held my hand, etc. .. i drove him to get stuff again... and he crashed ear;ly again..
Today i left.
and even though he passed out around 7 three nights in a row ended up owing me $80.. etc. etc.
I had the deepest sadness.. the biggest urge to turn back
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SOOOOO GOOD TO ME
so sweet
telling me he loves me a million times a day
telling me hes going to marry me
and then does the things he does
and i try to explain to him how scary it is to me to find him afterwards.. or how frustrating and lonely it is to watch him pass out on me.. or nod off with the cigarette in his hand.. or over his food..

but i am still branching out
applying to places far away and near..
anything to do with animals.. outdoors.. kids.. any combination.

more later..

but also
im continuing my mission.. cracking down.. being more serious.. cutting out sugar, etc. eating healthier.. making a smoothie with fruit and soymilk for breakfast instead of skipping.. better better better