:(
Im sad
missing him
hating that its a 3 day weekend which means even more wait until i get word back from anyone on a job
im going to Emilys tomorrow for a few days.. excited, yes. but yet that stupid boy wont get out of my head.

I went kayakin with my parents this morning.. loved it!
lots of big fish.. and a fisherman yelled at us even though we made a huge effort to get out of his way.
i love my dad
hes such a dork
just like me
but i miss friends

and why cant i just relax and enjoy what i have now? the no job.. the freedom.. the not having to pay rent (though I do have to pay for my own food much of hte time-even wehn i go with my mom to the grocery store)

and i have been trying soo hard
for soo long
and havent gotten any better.. smaller...
and yet i see everyone around me eating eating eating and no change.. no gain..

i thought i was doing so well..

There is a job in Phoenix that was just posted on the AZA website.. at the Phoenix Zoo.. as the Sleepover Staff.. hosting the parties and whatnot that sleep over at the zoo...
imagine that..
would LOVE it

BUT HE WONT LEAVE MY HEAD
EVERYTHING I DO everything i think.. he is there.. he is factored in.. "I want to take him here on the kayak.. he would LOVE it.." "I wonder if he would move with me to Phoenix.. or just visit.."
I mean, we are taking a break from "living together 24/7"
but how else is the future going to be?
If we DO marry.. wont we be like that?
Yes we will both (hopefully) be working and see each other at nights..
but he was GONE for most of the time during the summer.. and when he was home i was working..

i dont know
i dont know
and i keep spending more and more time with my dad... wishing that i could find someone more like him...
Dorky.. will drink wine at night with me.. is up for adventure almost anytime.. is silly/stupid but doesnt care..

i dont know i dont know i dont know

but i feel like crying when i think of how long it will take for me to get to him..

Soooo
tings are slow
life is slow
i do NOT like not having a job
piddling around..
treadmill every morning.. the dreaded 45 minutes..
then tinker around a little more.. dabble with the Wii... run errands with my mom while she talks to herself and yells at the drivers around her and buys 5 million things at the grocery store and uses the self checkout swearing every few seconds beceause it tells her to do something..
then kayak
my favorite time
out there on the water.. soo calm.. soo flat.. soo beautiful.. dont really want to come in at the end of the day.. but i know Dads coming home :)
and then dinner
and i love my daddy
i am most definatly his child
and my mom starts drinking at 5 or so and continues til late and she cant even find the ash tray for her cigarettes..

and then everything i think.. everything i do.. he is factored in somehow
its sooo frustrating
i find a potential job
then automatically
"i wonder if it is a place he could live.. he could visit.. what would he do... is there enough for him around there?"
no matter what the answer is i usualy apply anyway

mom and dad want me to go back to school
they also want me to stay at home with them
sorry...

I just want a kitty and a job and to be with JP
or to travel
why not?
my dad did it for 3 months with his best friend down in South America
why cant i follow in his tracks?
It doesnt even have to be 3 months..

Oh
and went into Wal-Mart for the first time in 4 months
never again
i am totally over it
and ESPECIALLY after viewing
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
i keep looking for those people.. hoping people arent taking pictures of me
America....

Amazing day

beautiful day

blazing sun out on the Savannah river... not a soul in sight... i was chasing fish.. they were skittering out in front of the kayak trying to get out of the way.. many many Great Blue Herons..

on the way back, I was found a little alcove that i went in to explore... tall tall reeds all around.. and i found a little path in the weeds big enough for a kayak (though i pretended it was for an alligator) and i came to this little "lake" in hte middle of the tall tall reeds

just imagine...
laying back in your kayak.. Greatful Dead's "Ripple" softly playing in your headphones.. Georgia sun warming your face... dragon flies and butterflies landing on you and flittering about in front of your eyes.. mystical-hair-like seaweed all around you... the occasional flower floating in the water..

LOVE

now back to home.. more job hunting.. soul searching.. dream catching..

Indonesia is looking more nad more interesting.. tantalizing..
why not?

Well.
Hes gone
our last night was at my house.. my parents were out of town..
i had this magical idea that we could play Wii... or board games.. or go out to dinner and have a drink..
things NORMAL people do
but of course he is not normal
FAR from it
so he dabbled in his stuff a bit.. sat around.. I didnt push him because I was scared he would get irritable at me again
and then he suggested we ride downtown
My hopes flew
Maybe he did want to go do something!
Maybe he did want to go for a drink.. or dinner,,,
but as i was driving down there I could tell he was still uppity..
"I didnt know your neighborhood was ON the Savannah River.. That was the reason why I wanted to go downtown"
(even though i told him many times it was on the river)
He is good at having no plans.. just doing...
I get frustrated when I dont know what we are doing.. I need to know SOMEWHAT what to expect..
It ended up in him making me pull over, asking me WHY I was so F***ing stressed out and upset... That i MUST have had something I wanted to do that i wasnt telling him... in such a tone that hurttttt and i cried while he walked out
this was NOT my idea of our last night
I had kept my hopes to myself because I felt they were sillly.. I knew he wouldn't eat anyway and if I brought it up he would flip again, "You KNOW I am not going to eat anything"
He did come back for me
and so it continued... me being too scared to say anything because of his potential reaction
him going on and on about how i blow things out of proportion... get upset for stupid reasons.. cry too much.. and i asked him why he was still with me if i upset him this much, "Because for some reason I keep hoping that you will get it through your head that bapidfjao;jgoerjg"
I forgot what he said actually
i just remember HOW he said it and how he couldnt even look at me
but he doesnt understand that all my life growing up with Kyle-ALL of my idea were stupid and worthless.. that I was pretty much the same... and that I had seen that scorn before.. that anger with me.. the disgust...

Slowly I pushed it all away and was able to get back to normal.. I DID want a drink, but decided to wait until i got home (to which he got frustrated "I thought you WANTED to get a drink!"... "Yes, I do. But it makes no sense to go in, get a drink, and leave like that.. I'd rather wait til i get home where its free." ... "I don't understand you.")
and we went to the tattoo parlor to browse.. contemplate a new one.. he quickly got bored and we left to go back home..
the rest of the night was fine.. bordering on lovely

I still have teaching English in Thailand up in the air,,, as well as teaching in Indonesia...
and i dont know if the reason WHY i want to do those is because I DO want to run away from everything.. or because i ReaLLY do want to do it?
or both?
and then there is Teach For America which i have been contemplating..
and then.. Zoos?
who knows
and he left me today
saying hed see me in a couple weeks.. that we would visit each other until our futures became more clear..
not to factor him in when I look for a job.. thats the part that hurts me the most i guess
but he also claims that we arent breaking upl... that he isnt giving up on me... that i complete him...
which is so so hard to beleive sometimes
but i do still love him
He makes me feel deeper.. happiest ive ever been.. saddest ive ever been.. given more of myself to him.. invested a lot in him.. in us..

And i still have dreams
of going to concerts.. of being happy for long times.. to not be so self-conscious.. to be okay with myself in clothes.. to make people laugh.. to inspire..
but as far as my dreams? everyone says i need to follow them..
but how can i when my dream changes every day?

and the summer is done
we drove for 3 days... 2,900 miles.. and are now in Boone, NC so he could get his "gold at the end of the rainbow"
and visit his friend
The trip was horrible.. most of the time.. very irritable, frustrated with everything i did when i drove... and when i wasn't i said everything wrong or something i dont know... but he SNAPPED so much
and then swore in aggravation when i cried as a result of his outbursts.
i cant hlp but cry when i know i disappointed someone.. or messed up.. or caused him such strife that he had to react in such a way..
and the way he looked at me sometimes as though i were the scummiest thing on earth.. that he was sooo sick of me he couldn't stand to look at me..
771 miles the first day. plus a 2 hour ferry ride and an hour wait beforehand.. THE night after i had too much fun with my friuneds from the summer which i will never see again
1000 the second day
1100 the third day
and we are in Boone
and he got his gold
but i give him props
he is delicious to me.. beautiful.. SOO much better htan the car ride
it was because he was on a mission
he had something he needed to get
and got irritated when things slowed him down...
but now that we are here
and he got his fun
now i am his fun

but we are still taking a break
figuring out what to do next
he claims he is still going to come back to me
but this trip wore me down.. made me think otherwise.. the way he talked.. the tone.. the aggravation,.. the looks he gave me. the way he sighed and shook his head in disbelief...disgust
all like my brother
who, by the way, would be celebrating his 26th birthday today

tomorrow i go home
visit with my parents
and then head down to Emily
myBEST friend
who i NEED more than ever
and need to laugh
(i also need my N64, my movies, my oil incense burner, and someone to hookah with)

as far as a job?
my parents want em to sta y wtihthem and take a course which our neighbor teaches to get me a teaching degree
I want to stay wtih emily.. i want to teach English in Thailand or Indonesia,, I want to go hiking until i am okay with myself again.. i want to be with JP... i want to break free,., i want to explore,, i want to work with animals. i want to work with kids,,, '

which one?
who knows