Amazing day

beautiful day

blazing sun out on the Savannah river... not a soul in sight... i was chasing fish.. they were skittering out in front of the kayak trying to get out of the way.. many many Great Blue Herons..

on the way back, I was found a little alcove that i went in to explore... tall tall reeds all around.. and i found a little path in the weeds big enough for a kayak (though i pretended it was for an alligator) and i came to this little "lake" in hte middle of the tall tall reeds

just imagine...
laying back in your kayak.. Greatful Dead's "Ripple" softly playing in your headphones.. Georgia sun warming your face... dragon flies and butterflies landing on you and flittering about in front of your eyes.. mystical-hair-like seaweed all around you... the occasional flower floating in the water..

LOVE

now back to home.. more job hunting.. soul searching.. dream catching..

Indonesia is looking more nad more interesting.. tantalizing..
why not?

Well.
Hes gone
our last night was at my house.. my parents were out of town..
i had this magical idea that we could play Wii... or board games.. or go out to dinner and have a drink..
things NORMAL people do
but of course he is not normal
FAR from it
so he dabbled in his stuff a bit.. sat around.. I didnt push him because I was scared he would get irritable at me again
and then he suggested we ride downtown
My hopes flew
Maybe he did want to go do something!
Maybe he did want to go for a drink.. or dinner,,,
but as i was driving down there I could tell he was still uppity..
"I didnt know your neighborhood was ON the Savannah River.. That was the reason why I wanted to go downtown"
(even though i told him many times it was on the river)
He is good at having no plans.. just doing...
I get frustrated when I dont know what we are doing.. I need to know SOMEWHAT what to expect..
It ended up in him making me pull over, asking me WHY I was so F***ing stressed out and upset... That i MUST have had something I wanted to do that i wasnt telling him... in such a tone that hurttttt and i cried while he walked out
this was NOT my idea of our last night
I had kept my hopes to myself because I felt they were sillly.. I knew he wouldn't eat anyway and if I brought it up he would flip again, "You KNOW I am not going to eat anything"
He did come back for me
and so it continued... me being too scared to say anything because of his potential reaction
him going on and on about how i blow things out of proportion... get upset for stupid reasons.. cry too much.. and i asked him why he was still with me if i upset him this much, "Because for some reason I keep hoping that you will get it through your head that bapidfjao;jgoerjg"
I forgot what he said actually
i just remember HOW he said it and how he couldnt even look at me
but he doesnt understand that all my life growing up with Kyle-ALL of my idea were stupid and worthless.. that I was pretty much the same... and that I had seen that scorn before.. that anger with me.. the disgust...

Slowly I pushed it all away and was able to get back to normal.. I DID want a drink, but decided to wait until i got home (to which he got frustrated "I thought you WANTED to get a drink!"... "Yes, I do. But it makes no sense to go in, get a drink, and leave like that.. I'd rather wait til i get home where its free." ... "I don't understand you.")
and we went to the tattoo parlor to browse.. contemplate a new one.. he quickly got bored and we left to go back home..
the rest of the night was fine.. bordering on lovely

I still have teaching English in Thailand up in the air,,, as well as teaching in Indonesia...
and i dont know if the reason WHY i want to do those is because I DO want to run away from everything.. or because i ReaLLY do want to do it?
or both?
and then there is Teach For America which i have been contemplating..
and then.. Zoos?
who knows
and he left me today
saying hed see me in a couple weeks.. that we would visit each other until our futures became more clear..
not to factor him in when I look for a job.. thats the part that hurts me the most i guess
but he also claims that we arent breaking upl... that he isnt giving up on me... that i complete him...
which is so so hard to beleive sometimes
but i do still love him
He makes me feel deeper.. happiest ive ever been.. saddest ive ever been.. given more of myself to him.. invested a lot in him.. in us..

And i still have dreams
of going to concerts.. of being happy for long times.. to not be so self-conscious.. to be okay with myself in clothes.. to make people laugh.. to inspire..
but as far as my dreams? everyone says i need to follow them..
but how can i when my dream changes every day?

and the summer is done
we drove for 3 days... 2,900 miles.. and are now in Boone, NC so he could get his "gold at the end of the rainbow"
and visit his friend
The trip was horrible.. most of the time.. very irritable, frustrated with everything i did when i drove... and when i wasn't i said everything wrong or something i dont know... but he SNAPPED so much
and then swore in aggravation when i cried as a result of his outbursts.
i cant hlp but cry when i know i disappointed someone.. or messed up.. or caused him such strife that he had to react in such a way..
and the way he looked at me sometimes as though i were the scummiest thing on earth.. that he was sooo sick of me he couldn't stand to look at me..
771 miles the first day. plus a 2 hour ferry ride and an hour wait beforehand.. THE night after i had too much fun with my friuneds from the summer which i will never see again
1000 the second day
1100 the third day
and we are in Boone
and he got his gold
but i give him props
he is delicious to me.. beautiful.. SOO much better htan the car ride
it was because he was on a mission
he had something he needed to get
and got irritated when things slowed him down...
but now that we are here
and he got his fun
now i am his fun

but we are still taking a break
figuring out what to do next
he claims he is still going to come back to me
but this trip wore me down.. made me think otherwise.. the way he talked.. the tone.. the aggravation,.. the looks he gave me. the way he sighed and shook his head in disbelief...disgust
all like my brother
who, by the way, would be celebrating his 26th birthday today

tomorrow i go home
visit with my parents
and then head down to Emily
myBEST friend
who i NEED more than ever
and need to laugh
(i also need my N64, my movies, my oil incense burner, and someone to hookah with)

as far as a job?
my parents want em to sta y wtihthem and take a course which our neighbor teaches to get me a teaching degree
I want to stay wtih emily.. i want to teach English in Thailand or Indonesia,, I want to go hiking until i am okay with myself again.. i want to be with JP... i want to break free,., i want to explore,, i want to work with animals. i want to work with kids,,, '

which one?
who knows

things are slowing down...
\last day of work tomorrow...
and then i get a "party" from my lady cook who inspired me to get my Purple PEnny Pleaser..
2 bartenders... my other cook, Abe who helps me also pick out fruit at the grocery store he works at...
plus.. who knows?
let loose a little :)

then.. Friday we leave.. ?
he is supposed to work this weekend.. but he doesnt want to.. I dont want to stay another weekend.. so he is thinking of making some excuse as to why he cannot stay..

and then we go home.
Him to his house.. to face his parents "What are you going to do nexT?" etc etc and figure out what he wants to do next
I go to my house... to decide my next route..
follow him?
does he want me to follow him?
remove myself from everything and everyone nad teach in Thailand?
work at a zoo... see if he will follow...

i applied to soo many places...
I am scared
SUCH big decisions ahead..

yes he SAID he would marry me in 5 years...
but what will we DO to SUPPORT ourselveS?
he is not one to settle down and get a job.. stay in a place for a bit
he is a hopper.. hopping to where the seasonal jobs are.. then back to his parents..
in Dixie..

Yes, I will be quite heart broken... life shattered... if we do end up parting ways
for some reason
or even LIVE far away from each other
because I am big on NEARNESS.. TOUCHING.. HOLDING
because of the past.. the whole Object Permanence thing.. where if someone is not with me, how can they think of me.. remember me.. still like me.. miss me?

The people here at work are begging me to stay...
I have freinds in Tuscaloosa waiting for me to come visit..
my best freind in Alabama is jonesin for me to come stay

NO idea what I am going to do with the rest of my time..
We are leaving around or before the last of the month.
I am slightly sad about that.
I have grown used to this place... to playing with Jay at work.. shes my favorite person on the island... running around catering to tables.. walking up that hill... our little home..
And when we get back.. what next?
Neither of us have solid plans
I have the opportunity to work in Hendersonville and maybe tkae over the business... but that terrifies me.. stuck in a small town.. tho there is no better small town to be stuck in really... and i LOVE the studio.. and I would get to work my own hours.. but i dont know about being married to a business.. money issues.. responsibility.. scares me..
Working at a zoo..
i want to soo bad
even be a zookeeper.
IMAGINE THAT!
and i cant decide where I want to live,... how to find a job overseas... how to find a job thats LEGITIMATE and all that overseas.. how to become an art teacher and what i need to do in order to become one...
Portland?
Asheville?
Somewhere theres an interesting job?
will JP follow me?
will he go on the AT trail for months or do one of those wilderness jobs where I will never see him anyways?

but JP?
What about him?
Hes going back to his home
im going to mine,
and then...

he claims he is going to marry me within 5 years..
but i dont deal well with not knowing what to expect in the future.
yes i love living in different places
i love the novelty.. the variety..

I bought a vibrator
HA!
It was Heathers idea.
a simple, short-term solution

i feel naughty
i feel empowered
i am excited
but it wont get here for awhile


i have nightmares about work.. daymares..
the past 2 days have been horrible..
Thursday i caled in before 10, cuz usually i have to cover this other girls shift.. they said no, they didnt need me.
I made plans to help JP pack for his 3 day with 6 people
we got all the way out to Baller Hill where we had limited reception..
I got the call
plans canceled
i was pissed
JP was pissed
I worked all day. exhausted.. wanting to be anywhere but there

Thursday night was beautiful
i was energetic
happy
excited
we went drinking.. I am a one hit wonder.. so one got mee through from 7:45 til midnight or whenever we went home.
i was playing ping pong with others... i got to play with JP and Chris... etc etc.
i was truly happy
except he passed out AS SOON as we got home

Friday i got the call at 7am saying i was late and was supposed to eb in at 6:30.
My shift was switched
JP couldnt take me cuz he wasnt awake yet and needed to be somehwere to pick up his people at a certain time and i was supposed to drop him off but now i couldnt
so i half ran down the road the entire half hour half crying too scared to stick out my thumb to hitchhike..
i made it
they said it was no big deal
TJ said he couldnt finish the day
so i finished it for him
nearly breaking down a few more times..

havent found the beauty in my breakdown
FrouFrou.. their song.. it MAY be true.. maybe the beauty is coming

last night i fell asleep at 7:15.. woke up for a phone call from JP at 9 and fell back asleep at 9:30...

i needed that
me time
sleep time
and
my purchase..
(: