Basically things have not been going so well.
So I have been devoting my time to scouring hte internet for things to make me smile
here is a sampler




cute. quite clever too...


LOVE his faceeeeeee


The Art of Hotel Bed Jumping...
i want to jump that high...

BUT!
I did get to go out on a paddle with him.. the sunset paddle.. Thursday night
i felt ALIVE out there.. on the water.. making it move.. dipping the oar in the crystalline waters.. spying jellyfish below.. bumping into the kelp.. seeing the house where a man lived that sold his Bacon and Bean Soup recipe to Campbells... the obolusk declaring the line between British and English sides of the island back in the times of the Pig War.. the seal bobbing his head about all around us.. the lines and cords that went into the water so that the whale researcher man could tape the whales calls.. he learned that there are 3 resident pods in the San Juans.. each with their own language..PLUS a language that was mutual between all three of them.. so each pod pretty much spoke 2 languages.. their own and the mutual one.. the feagle (fake eagle)
feeling the current push against me as i paddled back.. watching the mist rise over the water in the distance creating an eerie look.
it was lovely
i do wish to do it again

I cant seem to get it right
what did i do wrong?
was i TOO excited when i gave out my phone number?
was i not excited enough?
did they forget to call me?
did they really think i had anything else to do?
why didnt i get their phone number?

yet another night of sitting back
waiting
hoping
not sure if ia m hoping FOR an invitation to go back out into the world.. or hoping that i can hide away for another night
i am super tired
drained.
11 hour work again

JPs gone.
I cooked for him last night!:)
Baked Ziti. I put my all into it.. threw caution to the wind.. most especially because i attempted 2 different things to make but realized i lacked ingredients so i settled on baked ziti-Penny style.. (meaning no real meaning or recipe or rhyme or reason to it... just layered and swirled and baked..
and the oven.. propane.. i forgot you had to light it so the whole trailer part reeked of propane and i had to wait a good half hour before i felt safe enough to attempt to light the oven again
thankfully he brought 2 others with him.
he barely had what one wold consider a portion. The other 2 wiped it out.
i was happy.
happy to cook
happy to serve
happy to please others
happy they were talking to me
inviting me.. talking to me.. etc

We went to the bar again
i had been CRAVING dance.. dance party.. loud music.. the rush of the alcohol and adrenaline.. letting loose.. Captain Jack called and told me to come dance with him at Herbs. I WANTED TO SOO BAD!!
but i didnt really feel comfortable enough to go alone. And i KNEW JP was not going to dance at all.NOR would he like the fact that i went over there to say hi to Captain Jack.
(and btw today he invited me to go with him on his rowboat and a bottle of wine...)

I gave my phone number to 3 people.. asked 4 or 5 to call me tonight..
notta one

but my eyes ache from being awake.
and so i go

FIREWORKS!!


HA!
Love this picture of him


me.. being a space cadet.. he told me to look at the camera.. but there was a bird..


Walking to work at 5:30.. catching the ferry in the sunrise on its way in..


Veiw from Mt Constitution on Orcas Island..


Veiw from Mt Constitution on Orcas Island..

'
Mountain Lake .. i think that was the name,.


Mountain Lake..

and more..

do i want that?
Do i want to struggle with that all day long? Those images playing in my head. berating me for even thinking of eating? you are your own worst enemy.. harshest critic.. those mirror image pictures are true too I dont see myself as others see me. I see a big lump. A log. i feel free when i feel nothing. Feeling hurts. hunger.. sadness.. lonely.. thats why I lose myself in the world of eating and not eating. It is so easy to cry over trivial things than the deeper ones.
Kyles birthday is late August. He would be 26. what would he be doing? He was such so strong. Physically and emotionally. He was very confused growing up.. showing that he didnt care about anything or anyone... he hurt me. a lot. and his effects have trickled down to even today. I flinch when people move their arms fast near me.. Different ways people say things.. different words.. looks.. the incredulousness.. the hate..
and that video makes me want to be that way again. thin. sleek. tiny. likely to be blown away by the wind. I liked it when people were concerned about me. I liked it when people would talk to me.. even if it was just to ask how i was... to be concerned enough to say i looked to skinny.. or that its okay to eat.. or that i can afford this or that..
i dont get concern anymore. No one forces me to eat because they think i will die soon if i dont.
growing up i was the "perfect" little thing.. always doing right. good grades. rave reviews from families, friends, teachers, etc. people wanting me here or there. i didnt have tantrums. I gave my stuff away to people. I was my moms rock. my dads little princess. no one was concerned about me. I wasnt popular in school by any means. I was invisible. They didnt even make fun of me.. atleast not to my face. but to this day (as with everyone i suppose) any little snicker near me, whispering, looking at me.. takes me back-mostly to Stephenville though where I played dumb the whole time... pretending not to care when really i was tired of being the odd one out.. tired of this.. tired of that.. drained cuz i could never be better. never compare. never come close to anyone.
so i made my own decisions. i didnt deserve this.. or that.. or a whole cookie-only the chocolate chips. i had to start walking or doing to earn my food. etc. and on and on
weird little rules. odd rituals. strange habits.
i loved running my hands over my tummy. granted it still wasn't flat even at 63 lbs because of the scar from the liver transplant. there was always a soft roundnss under my breasts.. coming down to a canyon where the scar was just below the belly button nad then softness again below.. the concave like sunkenss below the hips.. the feel of the ribs jutting out.. the way my tailbone hurt after sitting for a bit because there was no cushion.
ridiculous as it sounds, those things comforted me.
to this day i still do not even know what i actually looked like back then. at my worst.. almost worst. etc. going into treatment 3 times. To me i still looked normal (on good days) and nearing heavy (on bad days). though i still recall the looks people would give me. the whispers.. hearing the "---xic" that sound.. even if i didnt hear the whole word, the "xic" sound gave it away. I was flooded with a mix of guilt, shame, embarrassment... and... pride..
but i never cried over boys. never cried over loneliness much.
never had real friends. never had boys boyfriends. never partied. never drank. never had those "college years"

all my fun started last year.. or whenever it was Kyle died.
so i still feel lost. when people talk about their college years. their high school scheming. their lovers. their first kiss.
i never had that
i had ED.. my ED..from 16-22.
and i still cant allow myslef to fully live.

every picture. ever ad. every person. i cant get out of that race. that battle. where i never win.
i see it in my upper arms. when my thighs brush each other. whenever i look in the mirror. whenever i wear a tight shirt and see that indent. whenever i am faced with a decision that has to do with food. whenever there is leftover food. toilets. people saying they havent eaten. putting my arms around myself. other people putting their arms around me. or even touching/poking me. whenever i look down. whenever i try on clothes. bagels. poptarts. Ensure. measuring tapes. scales. talking about weight. talking about fat. talking about calories. mentioning Salt Lake City or New Orleans. talking about high school or college fun. anyone smaller than me. anyone eating in a rush.. or pushing food around their plate. certain songs. names. belts. seeing a bony person.
all that
and much more bring me back. some more than others. some hit harder than others. some paralyze me to where i just want to hide away and cry. some make me want to not eat. vow to finish the day without anything more (which i usually come to my senses soon thereafter). some make me want to eat everything. some make me want to get lost in the woods-get away from all kinds of everyone.

anyway
blah blah blah

Why do i feel so disconnected?
Why do i get bad vibes from everyone on the island?
Why wont JP be hungry so i can actually COOK for him rather than him live off bagels with cream cheese and chips?
Why do i feel so lost?
Why do i feel so uncomfortable around certain people.. when i KNOW they have a gf and/or they KNOW i have a bf?
Why cant i let things go?
and on and on

Ok/
So i finally let myslef go
not LET MYSELF GO
but let myself go out with people.
well
i didnt really have a choice.. i worked from 5:30-5... and throughout the day various people came in and they asked me what my plans were for the night.. i invited them to call me
ONE came through.
he works for the ferries.. tells people where to go in the ferry lines and whatnot and just got his new Volkswagon Bus and wanted to take me for a ride. I told him what time i was going to get off work, and there he was. Waiting, with his 2 year old son, 10 month old daughter and a friend from off island.
it was rather odd.. i felt as though they were TOO friendly.. asking so many questions.. and Jared leaving me alone with the other guy so he could go smoke. Though i was under the influence, which may have affected my paranoidness, but i felt as though he were interviewing me.. coming on to me.. kind of thing.. BOTH of them constantly assuring me they were glad i was there or glad that i stayed for dinner etc.
I escaped.. feeling unsatisfied and wanting to go back to the comfort of my own little place.
Earlier, i had left my phone at work in the midst of rushing to finish so i wouldn't keep Jared waiting. (which added to my anxiety about hte situation due to the fact i DID NOT HAVE MY PHONE and for some reason it was my lifeline.. even though no one ever calls me.. JUST IN cASE this was the one night someone would call..)

I was at the grocery store and saw Captain Jacks friend, asked her to call him so if he was in town he could open the doors for me so i could get my phone.
He came. his eyes ablaze, a huge grin on his face.. an odd sort of grin.. a eerie sort of grin.
"mannn i am soo f**ed up on E right now" he nearly shouted. DANGER signs flashed in my head. He was quite reassuring, trying to be kind, trying trying to get me to go back with him to do some with him.. "You dont trust me?" ... "do you not feel safe around me?" "I will take care of you." "I wont let anything happen to you."
I ended up following him to this one house where there were 2 others who were just as far gone, if not more, than him.
I introduced.. dallied a bit.. chatted.. for like aminute and then made up some excuse about how i had to shower and get to sleep so i could work int he morning (WHICH WAS TRUE) and that i had just bought meat and cheese that needed to go back to the fridge (ALSO TRUE.. i am going to cook for JP)
anyway
he followed me..
intent on following me all the way home, despite my protests and assurances that i was fine
I got nervous.. scared.. how was i going to get out of this.. i dont want him following me home.. I know i cant fight him off.. etc etc.
we saw some people we work with across the street.. seeing an opportunity, i steered us over to them and as soon as he was engaged with htem i BOLTED.. weaved between houses and finally went on my way home...
...
I miss JP.
..
everyone i met here.. SO MUCH into drugs.. of all kinds.. it makes me feel uncomfortable.. drugs.. and teetering on sexual innuendos.. lots of cheating.. heavy flirting and beyond. quite heinous. It scares me and makes me kind of want to stay home and be safe.