ITS COUCHSURFING!!

so weird..
how i can be so at peace with things one minute.. look in the mirror without turning away..
and then suddenly a little voice.. a little reminder..
"Captain Jack never called you.. he promised.. twice.. he doesn't really want to hang out with you.. you denied him on Sunday.. why would he continue trying?"
"Natty never called tonight. She was just trying to be nice, as she is to all of the customers."
I tried not to get my hopes up
both times
And people wonder why i have trust issues.
True, Captain Jack did come up to me quite a few times Sunday asking me to come out with him and some friends on his boat for his birthday..
I was quite noncommittal.. I admit it.. "I dont know/..." and then rushing off to do something else
I didn't mean to shoot him down
I just get scared.. nervous.. there will be a lot of people there.. i dont want to be shut out again.. i dont want to be left in the dark.. the only one no one talking to..
Did he really want me to come?
If so he would have called, right?
I put potential friends through "tests"and i dont mean it
and when they fail.. EVEN THOUGH THEY DONT KNOW ITS A TEST
i am devastated.

I do want to go test out my new camera tomorrow .
hitch hike down to Lime Kiln ot do some hiking.. some picture taking.. some exploring..
a whole day of no work
no JP
no plans
no friends

I just wish i would have been smart enough to ask for Natty or Captain Jack's phone number.. ask if i could have some company when i go out hiking..

LOVE THIS SONG!!

"Hard to Concentrate" by Red Hot Chilli Peppers
All I want is for you to be happy
And take this moment to make you my family
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…

its beautiful
to me
i dont know what it means to anyone else
but those words
"All i want is for you to be happy"
i have heard that so much lately..

and then my other REd Hot Chilli Song,...
"Tell Me Baby"
Tell me baby what's your story
Where you come from
And where you wanna go this time
Tell me lover are you lonely
The thing we need is
Never all that hard to find
Tell me baby what's your story
Where do you come from
And where you wanna go this time
Your so lovely are you lonely
Giving up on the innocence you left behind

2 things i can think of right now that would make me estastic...
tickets and a way to get to Phish at the Gorge in August..
tickets to Red Hot Chili Peppers

Hes gone for 4 days now.
No one to come home to
But I will be okay...
I do love work. I am happy at work.
I just need to figure out how to bring that happy home.
Whenever I come back from work, I am so tempted to just eat everything in the house.
Not that I am hungry.. because I do make sure to eat a bowl of soup or some tortilla chips or some roasted potatoes.. (not a meal though...)
I dont know what it is.. Just the need to fill the void.. to satisfy that crunch..
and its not like i eat A LOT.. just in my head it is,, its mainly "tasting" or sampling many different things.. and then i look back and look at the number of DIFFERENT things.. not the total amount..

I am still going to the Convalescent Center Thursday.
To test it out
To figure out what I might be getting myself into... to see the pay.. the residents.. how they react to me.. how i feel after being in that setting for a bit.. when the "training" will be over and the actual Certification is..

But I do know I can get by just waitressing.. LOVE it more.. talk to more people.. etc.
but I just feel the pressures from my parents.. for the resume.. to have a REAL job on my resume.. for future jobs.. waitressing is NOTHING in terms of work when you want to get a real job later on.. I guess in references it would work..

Sunday was RIDICULOUS
I was supposed to go in at 7.. but got a call at 5 am.. the other girls car would not start.. and so she needed me to go in and open... she would get there when she could.
Whatever. I thought. rolled out of bed and headed to work. things were slow if anything at first.. then came a small rush.. I could handle it.. then people started lining up.. waiting for their coffees.. sitting down.. waiting for me to come to them.. the people that HAD come and eaten had left.. tables were dirty..
and i was the only one.. the dear cook ended up bringing orders out for me until it got too busy..
It turns out, the owners husband and 2 girls had come in for their Fathers Day Breakfast.. saw the chaos.. saw that I was on alone.. and stepped in to help.. with the older girl at the cash register, writing out the coffee orders for me to crank out.. and the food for the cook.. the dad and younger daughter cleaned tables and did dishes (which were teetering over in heaps of dirty dishes, half eaten food, half full waters, disregarded coffee.. which i hadn't had time to clean so simply set it into the sink)
And I had no idea who they were.. I thought it was a little weird that some random family stepped in so diligently.. every time the cook walked behind me as I was brewing, steaming, pouring, etc. he would pat me on the back and reassure me that I was doing awesome..
things finally slowed down around 11:30.. and the 2 relief people came in.. one left within a half hour.. because there was "nothing to do".. well it was because he didnt come at 8 like he was supposed to.. and I had slowly made time to do dishes. clean tables, etc. as things slowed and the family left
I made $68 in tips.. from 5:30-12 and forgot to get my tips from 12-3 (there was atleast 20 in the jar which would have been split with the girl who sat behind the counter asking me to wait tables for her because she didnt want to talk to people she didnt know)

ANYWAY
I LOVE chaos
I thrive
I feel needed.. wanted... like i have a purpose.. etc.

Now.. I watch Les Miserables..

But Yet I am Still sAd.. and for no reason in particular..
but many reasons... small reasons..
as usual..
the yearn to have friends.. to not be lonely.. to not be sad.. to love life again.. to be able to feel comfortable with others.. to not get nervous/skeptical when i am alone with others-potential friends..constantly never being able to be comfortable..

AND why is it that the only thing that I can legally use as an escape is something that is QUITE risky to my life
(drinking and liver transplant patinets=not good combination)

but i cant smoke because its illegal and all of the jobs I want/need require testing..
and blah blah blah

and i keep 2nd guessing..
Do i really want to work at the Convalescent center"?
Is it really what I want to be doing? or is it what SOCIETY/MY PARENTS want me to be doing (GET A JOB!)... at the detriment of fun...
I mean
I guess things might not be that bad
but the thought of spending all day long with a bunch of half comotose old people.. changing their sheets, etc.
does not really equate to fun.. or excitement to work. or whatnot..

BUT I LOVE WAITRESSING

Okokokok.
I love children
and no one can hold a baby.. with its chubby pink cheeks and wide gazing eyes without giving them a kiss on the cheek..
I loved being with kids again
but the place was similar to every other preschool in certain ways.. the way they handled certain things.. nap time procedures... and the fellow teachers were not too welcoming at all.. only two of the 8 talking to me in the whole 3 days I was there.. and one was because she was the teacher I was "following"..
the kids were adorable.. but you could tell that many of them had deeper issues.. defiance and aggression with a vacant look.. clinging to anyone and everyone except children their age. violently shaking their wrist high in the air, as though threatening to come down on my shoulder, etc.
we got to pick them up in our vans.. strap the kiddos in their seats.. and then unbuckle and walk then 2 at a time to their classrooms.. and same procedure on the way home.. so they were only at the center from 9:30-2:15 with a 2 hour nap and half hour lunchtime.. and 15-25 minute snack..
I came away feeling let down.. confused.. incomplete. unsatisfied... lost.. as though i did noting all day.. even though I was there on the ground with them investigating bugs, questioning if they ate marshmallows that fell on the floor and where the sane came from that was beneath the sticks.. etc.
I also got to stay with old family friends.. pretty much my 2nd parents.. and it was nice.. refreshing.. comforting..

And by the time Thursday ran around i was ready to go back.. the 2 and a half hour bus ride to the ferries.. then 2 hour ferry ride because the last ride of hte night goes to EVERY island before Friday Harbor (only 3 other ones.. but i wanted to be home NOW)

arrived at 10:40.. showered, couldnt sleep til 1:20.. woke up at 4:45 to get to work at 5:30.. and straight ahead til 2:30.. we were BUSY!!! soo no rest.. no sit down til i got home at 3... and then repeat today.. except for the fact i had a migraine last night that kept me up til 2:30 r so..
but i like it here
im going to make it
i enjoy it here... i feel more at peace now
but still sometings missing

good good good

the movie helped..

The Hangover..
i laughed sooo loud
soo much

and i feel clearer
still
and that was yesterday
i feel more at peace
even tho he was gone all day packing for his multi day training... off to kayak for 3 days.. packing all day.. and then more whale training at night (a seminar)..
so i walked
walked
walked and read
read
about Janis Joplin
about Body Language
((had a quite a BUMP in the day when i got home tonight at 6 tho.. and i hate how that toilet can't flush..))
and closed the day video chatting to my bestest friend, Emily.. flooded with peace once again.. nostalgia, yes,.. wishing i could be there,yes.. but seeing and talking to her helped too
and then
watching "If We Hold On Together" from my favorite old move.. Land Before Time.. over and over
remembering life back when i first saw that movie.,. how young.. naive.. innocent.. how pure the laughter was.. how the worst thing that could happen was I scraped my knee.. or struck out in softball/tee ball or missed kicking the ball away from the opponent in Soccer..
now its food, life, future, jobs, etc.
but
like i said
i am at peace
and about to embark on a week of STUFF
Mon: work 6:30-3.. ferry: 4-5:30... bus: 6:55-9:45
then picked up by my 2nd family that lives in Normandy Park (my dads friends from college who we pretty much did most all fun things together)
Tue: training 7:30-4
Wed: training 7:30-4
Thurs: training 7:30-4.. bus: 5-7:45.. ferry 8:25-10:35
Fri: work 5:30-2
Sat: work 5:30-2
Sun and Mon 7-5

..so.. atleast i wont be sitting around ALL day...

im trying NOT to be in the mindset where i have to EARN every bite of food.. i DO feel better eating if i have DONe something.. walked.. etc. the more i walked that day, the more at ease i am when it comes to eating.. and afterwards.. and feelings of worth..
ANYWAY
I AM OK
I AM FEELING AT PEACE
things are looking hopeful.. its close..