good good good

the movie helped..

The Hangover..
i laughed sooo loud
soo much

and i feel clearer
still
and that was yesterday
i feel more at peace
even tho he was gone all day packing for his multi day training... off to kayak for 3 days.. packing all day.. and then more whale training at night (a seminar)..
so i walked
walked
walked and read
read
about Janis Joplin
about Body Language
((had a quite a BUMP in the day when i got home tonight at 6 tho.. and i hate how that toilet can't flush..))
and closed the day video chatting to my bestest friend, Emily.. flooded with peace once again.. nostalgia, yes,.. wishing i could be there,yes.. but seeing and talking to her helped too
and then
watching "If We Hold On Together" from my favorite old move.. Land Before Time.. over and over
remembering life back when i first saw that movie.,. how young.. naive.. innocent.. how pure the laughter was.. how the worst thing that could happen was I scraped my knee.. or struck out in softball/tee ball or missed kicking the ball away from the opponent in Soccer..
now its food, life, future, jobs, etc.
but
like i said
i am at peace
and about to embark on a week of STUFF
Mon: work 6:30-3.. ferry: 4-5:30... bus: 6:55-9:45
then picked up by my 2nd family that lives in Normandy Park (my dads friends from college who we pretty much did most all fun things together)
Tue: training 7:30-4
Wed: training 7:30-4
Thurs: training 7:30-4.. bus: 5-7:45.. ferry 8:25-10:35
Fri: work 5:30-2
Sat: work 5:30-2
Sun and Mon 7-5

..so.. atleast i wont be sitting around ALL day...

im trying NOT to be in the mindset where i have to EARN every bite of food.. i DO feel better eating if i have DONe something.. walked.. etc. the more i walked that day, the more at ease i am when it comes to eating.. and afterwards.. and feelings of worth..
ANYWAY
I AM OK
I AM FEELING AT PEACE
things are looking hopeful.. its close..

im avalanching downhill again
atleast i got a glimpse.. a hope.. a thread..
work was wonderful.. slightly busy in the morning hours.. working with the 2 ladies I worked with before.. one was a cook.. and was baking the scones.. we got to sample the savory cheddar, bacon and green onion scone.. ohhh wow.. I LOVE that cheesy bready crumbly crust on it..
I waited tables mostly.. trying to stay out of the other lady's way as she managed the coffees in such a way that made me think i was rushing her or getting in her way..
then she left at noon.. her replacement came in.. and then left for the rest of the day...
My first REAL day on the job.. and I was on my own.. not having made an actual coffee for a customer yet..
I was nervous, yes... but took my time (well the most time you can take while making coffee and not letting the milk sit too long or the shots of expresso sit to long.. or the grounds sit too long in the percolator.. etc.).. it is rather a multitasking job.. intimidating at first..
grinding the beans into the fine grain by pulling the lever until it piles onto the percolator just so.. just enough.. then arching your finger.. taking off the excess.. pressing down with the presser with the amount of pressure "so your back leg just barely comes off the floor"... and tapping it on the side so that the grinds loosen a little.. then plugging it up into the machine.. lining up the shot glasses so that the liquid expresso drips just so.. into the glasses and not off to the side.. turning it on.. making sure the shot looks fine.. with the creme on top.. a rich dark expresso color with a rich layer of creme on top..
and simultaneously pouring the milk into a cold pitcher (not too much.. NO WAsTAGE! and not too little.. or that will throw EVERYTHING off) ... letting the little steamer cough out remnants of its last steaming.. putting it down to the very bottom of the cold pitcher.. turning on the steamer.. slowly raising it to the top of the steamer is just barely above the milk line, frothing it.. 2-3 seconds for a latte or mocha.. 5 or so for a wet cappuccino.. 8 or so for a dry cappuccino.. heat it up to 140 degrees.. then turn off the machine and let it coast up to 160 or so.. tap it on the counter to get rid of some of the bigger bubbles on top..
and time it just right.. so as soon as you pour the shots into the cup (NO WAITING.. DONT LEAVE THEM WAITING.. AS SOON AS THEY ARE DONE POUR THEM DOWN.).. and then goes in the steamed milk.. and topping it off with the foam..
and then the cleaning... etc. etc.
And then the lingo..
"A double tall mocha-ccuino lite on the foam-extra hot"
was my first order.. i was stumped..
FIRST THINGS FIRST.. "A 16 oz right? With three shots?"
he looked at me as if i were the biggest dimwit in the world "..yea.. this IS a coffee shop, right?"
I agreed, and continued making what I thought was a mocha-ccuino..
and on and on.. more and more.. and smoothies.. which required a good 5 minutes of turning on the blender.. and shaking it up and down to get the ice to the bottom so that it will all blend.. with no chunks.. and with no measuring thingie to measure out how much smoothie mix and yogurt... and forgetting how much ice to put in..
so basically i BSed everything today.
and it worked.
"This REALLY IS the best coffee in town!"
"LOOK AT ALL THAT WHIPPED CREAM ON MY SMOOTHIE!!" .. "Mines got MORE than yours.." (i know how to cater to the kids..)
etc. etc.

and then i walked to the library.. and back..
so i was on my feet.. walking, standing, sweeping, cleaning, etc. from 9:30-7
and i still feel lazy
and
I still feel as though i have to earn every bite
and since i got home.. slow tumble downhill
and then faster
and faster
and the avalanche.
and im down and out
again

I keep careening back and forth in decisions..
.. I think i can make it happen here..
... what am i ever going to do for fun here?... can i actually make friends with the people here? Every time I say hello to a passerby they barely acknowledge me. The tourists do. I can hit it up with the tourists.. but as far as locals.. no response-positive or negative..
.. but once things start kicking.. i will be busy... right? too busy to do too much.. working at the coffee shop place from 6:30-1 and then the Convalescent Center from 2-10.. see.. no time! busy busy busy! doing doing doing!
right?

or move off to seattle.. which PART of me wants.. but I do think i would miss him.. a lot.. he is my world.. and each other is all we have pretty much

We went out with 2 older ladies last night.. he gave them his phone number when he was out on one trip.. they were looking for some fun and singled him out as someone that would be fun to hang out with.. he is known for older ladies being attracted to him.. so you can imagine how excited i was to go.. ESPECIALLY since he didnt even mention that I was coming..
it turned out to be quite a night..
they bought dinner and shared it with all of us
I realize i do LOVE Salmon :)
and drinks.. and we talked.. and they had been traveling in Europe together for the past 2 months.. and then drove up from Southern California up to Alaska,, but got stopped at the border because supposedly one of the ladies had a DUI from 7 years ago... and charges like that had to be 10 years ago...
Anyway.. we ended up at the local bar.. where he played pool straight from 8pm to 10:30.. and I sat.. stood.. bored.. while the 2 ladies occasionally coming to chat for a few spare minutes between chattin up the men.. I laid my head on my hands for awhile because i was bored.. sad.. lonely.. some guy came up to me and started talking.. "I just couldn't stand to see a pretty girl like you look so sad." etc etc. he wasn't drunk either.. I only had one drink.. back at 8.. but i wanted to drink sooo bad,.. but i knew i had to drive him back.. he was having the time of his life.. and came up to the other dude and i when we were talking-slung his arm around me and introduced himself as my bf.. the guy left quite soon after and didnt say another word.. no one else talked.. i was too sad to talk to anyone..
taking a quick break from pool/going outside he came to me and handed me a $5 asking me to get him one last drink.. so i tried.. and the bartender said that since i had put my head on the counter he couldnt serve me.. even though I hadn't even had a drink at that bar (I had the drink at the dinner place)
Of course.. i started crying right then and there..

but i love reading. I have a book on Janis Joplin.. and a book on the history of Haight-Ashbury.. but it is quite triggering.. because i want so bad to be there.. to do what they do.. etc. ohhh to clear my mind from my brain..

:(
I hate decisions
i hate that i have to think and over think and analyze things way too much
and i am frustrated that i cant leave him
and that he doesnt know what hes going to do after the summer
the jobs that i want to do.. that i need for my medical insurance are long-term commitment jobs.
like the ChildHaven place in Seattle. I didn't go to the 3 day training. I chickened out. I hate interviewing.. waiting.. getting my hopes up..

Position Title: Therapeutic Child Care Worker

SUMMARY

Responsible for organizing a developmentally appropriate room in a Therapeutic Child Care program for abused and neglected children. Responsibilities include: overseeing general room operations, facilitating teamwork in planning and carrying out activities between yourself and other co-workers, and the coordination of planning developmentally appropriate activities which meet the individual needs of young children between the ages of 1 month to 5 years.

ESSENTIAL DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES include the following. Other duties may be assigned.

Oversee the weekly planning which incorporates group and individual activities to meet appropriate developmental needs of young children, and aids individual children in reaching goals outlined in their Individualized Treatment Plan (ITP).

Model and interact with children to build relationships which foster the development of positive self esteem, self confidence, and communication skills, and coordinate assigning children to primary caregivers.

Demonstrate and model consistent room and van management and guidance techniques which foster the development of positive self image in children, which include, but are not limited to: setting age appropriate limits, redirecting, positive reinforcement, choices, and systematic attention and approval; and encouraging the development of conflict resolution and problem solving skills.

Observe and record emotional and physical conditions of individual children on a daily basis

Interact with parents in a positive, supportive manner at all times

Drive or assist on van routes on a regularly scheduled basis and transport vans for maintenance when needed. I would drive to the childrens houses in the sketchiest areas of Seattle.. walk to the door.. and retrieve the children, as well as drop them off in the afternoon

Upgrade job performance and personal skills by participating in Childhaven in-service trainings, attending related conferences, courses, or seminars, and reading job related journals and periodicals. they will give me $300 a year worth of training/workshops PLUS $50 per year for books

Work cooperatively as a team member as demonstrated

Responsible to comply with the agency's policy and procedure regarding the identification and reporting of child abuse.



with really good medical insurance/benefits.. paid time off.. paid holidays.. 8 hours sick leave per month.. accidental death insurance after one year.. free bus pass.. $13.95 an hour.. 7:30-4


And then the CNA job here.. which will start once hte background check is done.. 2-10pm starting off.. then once training is done its 10pm-6am.. I didn't look into nor ask about the benefits or pay.. but 8 hour shifts 4-5 days per week.. I am not SUPER excited about taking care of old people.. but AM excited at talking to them.. interacting (which I imagine I wont get to do much of due to my other duties-which include bathing, changing sheets, bedpans, etc.) but it will be a good springboard for wherever I move to next.. though if i did do the CNA i bet the benefits wouldnt kick in until a good 90 days after..

And i need medical insurance.. my mom and dad ALWAYS.. EVERY SINGLE TIME i call them bring it up.. that with my pre-existing condition.. the liver transplant with its medicine and blood work and the POSSIBILITY that i MIGHT go downhilll at ANY TIME and need to be hospitalized for something liver-transplant related..

And my friend in San Fran wants me to stay with her.. i would love friends.. and she is a beautiful soul,.. kindered spirit.. has gotten me through a lot.. no job prospectives yet.. but I can find something..

And my parents want me to come home and live with them.. but i would have no car.. and that place is triggering.. too much food.. but at the same time i love them soo much

And everyone wants me to go to school again.. but i dont know what I would want to do.. cuz one day i think Psychology.. then Art Therapy.. then Art Teacher.. then Nursing..

WHAT DO I WANT FROM LIFE!??!?!?

We might be going to Seattle today!!!
he claims that he isnt going to go ona kayak tour.. that he doesnt need to go on one..
but who knows.. i have a right to be skeptical, yes?

The barista job doesnt come again til Thursday :(
I had a lot of fun bustling around on Friday with it.. learning the machine some more.. people kept piling in.. the 2nd lady left.. the fridge got swapped so we had to scurry between getting things out of the fridge before he got the new fridge in, taking orders, running orders, getting out of the refidgerator mans way, making smoothies/coffees...
then is slowed
and the other shift girl came in
and i had to leave
:(
9-12:30.. time of bliss.. forgetting the bad.. concentrating on doing.. connecting with those out there.. tending to them.,, making and tasting exquisite coffees... frozen caramel latte.. hazelnut mocha.. blended frozen chai.. blended mint chocolate mocha.. and i got to taste all of those (either leftovers from the batch or they were made for people behind the counter..

next was the whale museum where i met him.. he was studying up on orcas and minke whales and other creatures that frequented this area.. so he could prove his knowledge.. library we went to later where we both examined books on tidepooling (LOVE DOING THAT!!!)) and other sea creatures....
I am proud of him
Yesterday he did 2.. one at 10.. one at 6

While the 10 oclock one was going on, i drove down to Lime Kiln Park.. which is the only state park dedicated to whale watching.. or the premier spot for whale watching from shore..
anyway.. i attempted the state park before.. which was just camping and kayak launching.. the only small beach they had was shut down and closed off due to a elephant seal taking over the shore while it participated in its yearly molting process...
I think thats what I read.. .
Lime Kiln.. its right on the Haro Straight which the Orcas use to frolic and consider as their home.. theres a lighthouse (theres a board there telling the last sighting of whales in the area) if you walk one direction and Dead Mans Cove if you walk the other.. I walked out past the lighthouse out to the Lime Kiln fields/mining area.. went out past the state park boundaries.. pretty pretty breathtaking views when the trees let up.. and then realized i had no idea where I was nor where the trail was taking me.. so i turned and went back..
You see, i am not a hiker nor a walker
I am an explorer..
i am curious..
and i pause for the picturesque views and sights even though my camera still is dead to the world
DEFINITELY stop by if you have a chance to go to San Juan Island.. it is CERTAINLY worth the trip.. even if you do not see whales.
douglas firs, madronas, snowberries, foxes

At the library i rented Deer Hunter... wow.. that is one movie i will most certainly not forget..
my dad told me to get it.. as did my mom.. so i did... its a little slow starting.. but wow does it pack a punch
Also, i have the controversial Midnight Cowboy.. which should be interesting..
when you have nothing else going in your life, why not brush up on some oldies but goodies? some documentaries?

i investigate..

"Precious"
Mmmm...
coming to theaters november 2009...
and Yes. that is Mariah Carey...



"Life is Hot in Cracktown"
June 26, 2009



"My sisters Keeper"
probably one of the saddest book i have ever read..
June 26, 2009


"Where the Wild Things Are"
MY FAVORITE BOOK THAT AT THE SAME TIME GAVE ME NIGHTMARES THAT ENDED UP WARM FUZZIES!!
October 16, 2009'


"THe Ugly Truth"
I do like that scruffy man.. i think.. sometimes.. and that song is by Mika.. :) he makes me smile
July 24, 2009

not a very exciting day
...
i did get a library card.. he was content reading all day.. so i was about to jet out and walk around by myself.. but he decided he would tag along
and we did have fun
or atleast i did
i couldn't bring myself to let him buy me ice cream.. because he wasn't going to have any and because i knew there would be dinner/?? later..
but we walked around the marina.. such pretty boats.. watching the ferry come in and out
he got tired/hot soon and we headed back to the car to wait for his boss to call.. they were going to meet up for "lunch" tho it was 3
I left him and walked around on my own... exploring the liqueur store,.. Ace Hardware (free little bag of popcorn).. seeing what Curves was all about.. thrift store.. and the MarketPlace to get some gummis.. spending wayy too much time contemplating the wine bottles.. wondering which was good.. would i regret paying $7 for one that looked interesting? i never got one

He picked me up.. the talk was about how the boss loved his kayak skills.. had Him booked up for hte summer.. but needed Him to cut his hair.. talking about how He was going to be working with busisnessmen and enviornmentalists and they wouldnt take to someone "from the south like you"

so i tried looking for other work for him.. wondeirng if he was going to give up or not
so far hes still here... going to prove them

the family had a BBQ with angel food cake, strawberries and whipped cream
it was a sweet gesture considering how id just moved in the day before..
their son, his friend and his girlfriend were there.. it was a little awkward, but i enjoyed talking.. communicating.. being.. connecting..
i hope things are on their way up

tomorrow i start my barista training...
excited.. :)