We moved into his house.. that mans.. spent the entire day in our room.. the 4 walls..
but we did go down for a wallk to Jackson beach.. soo pretty.. soo warm... with the driftwood of my childhood.. so easy to make forts.. to attempt to glue together with a little floating light on it and send it out in Sequim Bay to see which boat lasted longest

and im torn
my dad doesnt like the idea that i am wasting my life away doing menial jobs like waitressing.. I understand.. and agree-to a degree.. I LOVE it.. i get to make good money..(ish) and i get to talk to people.. learn things (how to cook, bake, learn things from people..etc)
I AM still holding out for the CNA training here.. they haven't called me back.. i really should call them..
I also stil have the opportunity to do the ChildHaven thing in Seattle.. but I still am figuring out how to get there.. if i want to take that chance.. what if i DO get it? I would have to drop everything ive created here (not that I have much just yet.. but things ARE happening)
I have a job as a barista (starting Friday.. or at least "orientation" is tomorrow at 9am) I get to learn how to make REAL coffee. expresso, latte, mocha, with the steamers and percolator and all the other things.. the boss lady is very passionate about her coffee.. as most Seattle-ites are (or NW WA-ers)
And i am meeting His co-workers.. they accept me to the point that they dont shun me and invite me along when they invite him.. tho they are probably just being polite..
And I have figured out the grocery store.. where to get the cheapest this and the best tasting that
And getting a library card
And we finally found a place.. thats lonely.. or could be.. awkward where we are the only ones that know each other.. so we cling to that
I realize we have been though a LOT together
hes soooo much better.. light shining in his eyes.. DOING things.. for me and for him.. his personality is back... his laughter.. his wit.. his michevious smile..
AND I UNDERSTAND that couples have been apart for months or more at a time and survived..
AND he said himself, "You have drive, you have ambition, go on... I'll still be here.."
and he doesnt know what to do after this summer.. and i kinda need to know. cuz most work with benefits require you there for an extended period of time..
And the work I graduated to do requires long term commitment to a degree.. teaching, zoo work, children's museum..
I suppose a CNA could get hired anywhere.. and leave and find another place..
blah blah blah
I do want people to come
so i can give them a little tour
or show them the right places to go
Like Mi Caista.. HUGE portions of mexican food... hot delicious chips.. friendly staff.. attentive.. tho i was really hungry .. so that may have helped make it taste delicious... and i just ate black beans.. His guac and chips/salsa
And the Doctor's Office has really good soup.. with slices of bread-NOT CRACKERS- (homemade bread too) and the breakfast burrito is.. wow.. i tried some of his.. wished i could have allowed myself to order something that.. delicious..
anyway
No tv/cable (which is fine.. i just miss Travel Channel/Discovery Channel)

I am going to try to get a feel for the sons.. see if they are wiling to take me under their wing for abit.. they are musicians.. (mmmm)
in fact last night they were out on the back porch jamming... i wanted so bad to be able to go out.. join them.. but what would i do? watch? HA! i wish :)
We watched Crash.. Him and I.. ohmy.. that movie is intense.. sad.. shook me to the core.. and that girl in there.. skinnier than a twig.. like the girls i went to treatment with.. triggered me.. I almost went to the bathroom.. (i had just eaten the broth from the CupONoodles then a bowl of raspberries with cool whip-so it was easily coming out if i wanted)
but i willed myself to sit through it..
and i did...

So i do believe this was one of the worst days.. not so fun.. at all.
i woke up with a migraine.. after tossing and turning all night long..
He wanted to drive into town.. well.. so did i cuz i knew he wanted to..
we called the man who wanted a housemate.. and we said we would do it.. move in tomorrow..
I was going to take a shower, but didnt have the energy to walk down the street.. pay for the shower.. take the shower and all that includes.. and then walk back..
We drove back to the campsite where he got ready for a 6 hour tour he was shadowing. We contemplated taking down the tent and moving to a hotel for the night.. but it was much too complicated.. how would he get back to town? (hitch a ride with the tour guide/co-worker that would be driving the tourists back anyway) How would we get the kayak back? (he could leave it there with the other kayaks)
We needed to talk to that man anyway.. the person we are moving in with.. more on that later..

Oh.. the coffee shop-called the Doctor's Office.. we went there for breakfast (for him) and I talked to the lady a little more.. she seemed interested.. but hesitant to give me the go in terms of a job due to some islanders coming back for the summer who were veterans at her place..

So from 10:30-5:30 i was laying around.. at the campsite (pretty much this one guys backyard) in the hot hot heat.. moving from place tto place.. from side to side.. to get comfortable.. to be able to sleep.. to stop sweating.. to stop the pain.. to stop the throbbing.. an d no phone reception so no way to talk to anyone to pass the time. .not that i would have been much of a conversationalist..
but he came back.. tired.. sore.. happy.. $60 tip
and i wanted so bad to be happy for him
but all i could think about was how no one wanted to hire me.. (atleast for a week or so)
how i was just lying around
how i wanted to kayak.. to move.. to explore the water.. to go sailing.. to have fun.. to laugh..
I was hearing the tourists come back from their 6 hour tour.. so happy.. laughing.. i wanted that..
and soon to be my brithday
and at a loss of what would make me happy
except for a job,.. to be happy.. to have friends.. to hookah.. to be able to enjoy eating (not just during)

Yesterday he had training for 3 hours.. which was a fiasco in itself.. in finding it.. etc.
there are many places on this island where you get no reception..
anyway. thats a long story
but while he was gone i was wandering downtown.. looking for a job.. finding no leads.. atleast not for a week or so
i need to be patient
the Convalescent Center.. i would get a $2,000 sign on bonus (i wasnt really paying attention but i think thats what they were saying).. paid work/training.. and with the CNA training that would guarantee me jobs pretty much anywhere
and some guy came up to me.. started talking.. about work on the island.. entertained by my stories.. and he just had to say it, "The reason why I stopped to talk to you was because, truthfully, you are the prettiest girl i have seen in a year at least"
that threw me off
me?
no.
hes messing with me.. and so was my head.. which lead me to some wine tasting.. buying a bottle of wine.. driving back to where he was training to pick him up.. refusing to come down to the water where they were training (what was i going to do? just sit there and watch? they were too far out for me to talk.. but i felt rude staying in the car.. but safer..)
we all ended up going to mexican food anyway.
and the boss lady paid for mine too (which was just a side order of black beans because i refused to order an actual meal, with the excuse "I dont want to spend her money when I am not working for her.."

hes got a cool bunch of co-workers.
he gets to kayak all day
to move
to connect with people
to see beauty all around
to earn tips
to do what he loves (though he does need to work on patience with the pampered)
and hes reallly good at it too

Anyway. its hot now still
and i need a shower
and a job
etc.

here we go again
still nothing
no job
no house
no home
no shower
..but atleast sleep is somewhat a familiar concept.. though i still wake up feeling dead.. due to rocky ground.. bad dreams.. cold nights..
the town is pretty, yes
but it has long since lost its appeal.
We have nothing. His boss is quite nonchalant.. too easygoing.. doesnt seem very organized.. gives vague answers..
He has to complete 10 tours as a shadow/apprentice before he can lead one on his own.. so I am left behind with nothing to do.. and there are no new houses available on any website
BUT
we do have one option.. we would live in this guys house.. hes got 2 sons.. 18 and 20 and apparently they crank their music at 3 am and have people coming and going all the time.. the people are all vegans or gluten-free or whatnot.. the lady who lives there is not technically the wife.. i dont know the whole story.. so its kida like a hostel.. or having a new family.. He would be gone most of the time anyway.. so Id be the one stuck there..
BUT its close to town.. quite affordable.. furnished.. people to talk to.. they are southerners=very accommodating.. and If i do end up going to Seattle, He could still afford it..


ANYWAY
I have the best time when hes gone.. wandering about the beaches.. crawling over the rocks whether they be barnacly or smooth or slippery or covered in seaweed.. in flip flops.. I scale the cliffs to get around places i cant wade through.. I am not afraid to wade through the water even if it is up to my thighs.. yes i get scraped up.. yes I am terrified of Crabs.. the spiders of the sea.. but i love it
i dont think sadly out there
i just do
i just go
and there is this rock.. covered in the softest grass I have ever laid on.. I took a nap on it yesterday.. didnt mean to.. but i did..

job searching continues today.. Monday..

what a whirlwind
he still hasnt been able to sleep.. so i fitfuily pass in and out throughout the night in between tears of frustration as he rolls and sighs and moans and sits up and falls back down..
i realize i still do have this fear.. when he stops for no reason.. or does some strange face.. or stretches.. that hes going to have another seizure
We made it to Friday Harbor.. its absolutely BEAUTIFUL here!! We roamed around a bit last night.. downtown.. (didnt take too long) but he had a slice of pizza for $4.00 (old microwave-heated pizza) and talked to Dennice the Mennace behind the counter. He gave us a town map and marked apartments around the area on it (we drove and found one of the 4..) and when asked what people do for fun around here.. "drinkin and smokin" which got him super excited.. asking about where it was found and blah blah blah..
and then as we were walking back he claimed he wasn't going to do any (even though he wanted to drive that way anyway claiming he thought there would be apartments out that way..
The past 2 nights we've been weaving around eastern WA.. amongst miles and acres of crops and fields and orchards.. over the Rockies.. the Cascades.. Stopped in Boseman, MT for a night.. stopped by Missoula, MT to check out the SmokeJumpers Headquarters...
At my grandparents in Wenatchee we picked all of the apples off 5 of their 16 trees. It sounds not so hard, but it really was tedious.. they were small.. about the size of a cherry or smaller. .and the same size as the leaf... We had to go through branches and I climbed up the trees and my grandpa and Him used ladders. I ended up getting twisted around.. contorted.. so i could reach every possible clumplet of green apple buds.. we had to get them all because my grandpa wasn't going to spray them.. because it cost $500 and there was only 4 of the 16 trees that were blooming so he wouldn't make a profit out of the 4 trees so he just decided to pick them all off.. because if he would have left them and not sprayed them the inspectors would have come and chopped down all the trees at my grandpas expense because they didnt want contaminated/fruit fly infested apples roaming about out there.
The ferry ride was amazing.. He chose to stay in the car most all of the time.. but I wandered about down amongst the cars and up above by the seats and in the front and the back where the wind whipped about..
I still can't beleive i am here
sometimes I am fine with it.. excited even.. working.. waitressing.. being busy.. tourists...
and i get a weird sense of sadness knowing that he is going to be out there.. in the waters.. among the whales and all kinds of people.. paddling all day long.. and that seems like such an ideal job.. and I was the one that got it for him.. and i blindly followed him like an idiot out here to do menial work that doesn't apply to my degree doing work that high schoolers/college kids usually do when i am fully equipped and knowledged to do much more.. i have the skills.. but no one out here is hiring for those kind of positions
but at the same time.. not many people can say they lived on Friday HArbor in the San Juans for the summer..
and we keep staying in hotels.. and it only gets more and more expensive.. and i am the only one doing the work in terms of researching how to find hotels.. calling them.. finding out that they cost over $100 with the lowest being $119.. until i called this place that is $81. but you would barely call it even a room. the bed takes up most of hte floor space with a skinny walkway on the side to a bathroom and a closet with a sink in it.
if you have no money.. or very little money.. and still have no place to live.. SAVE MONEY.. CAMP.. yes its cold.. but get over it.. soon you will have a house
and i take it out on the ED still.. shifting between not eating.. not really being hungry at all- for real - and then munching on some peanut butter on a marshmallow.. which opens up the chasm of hunger and mindlessness..


and i want to call people.. but dont have the time.. or the energy to lie and say Im happy. because that feeling is rare nowadays..
but i am tentatively hopeful.. as usual.. and my birthdays coming up..
and we came on a weekend.. which is not smart if you are looking for a place or a job.. because no one wants to deal with that kind of thing on a saturday.. saturdays are play days...
anyway.
i need coffee... or an energy drink..
here we go..

Things are better..
:)
but hes soooo soo tired.. and soo soo restless at night..
he cant help it though.. but he could have prevented it by not doing anything in the first place..
but driving.. across South Dakota.. and Wyoming.. VAST stretches of nothing.. you could see for miles.. i wish i could have stayed there at night.. outside... the stars.. the sunset.. the sunrise.. would have been breathtaking..
Badlands had lunar-like rocky gorges and towers.. a light orangeish white.. with stripes of darker orange.. some were more roundy and moundy.. others were more drip-castley..
it was quite like what i imagine Mars to be like.. i would have LOVED to camp out there.. but it was to be stormy that night.. I was sad :(
To stay out there.. in that strange.. eerie.. otherworldy land..
the lightning was quite amazing.. bright flashes lighting up the entire sky.. one right after hte other.. like God flashing his camera.. the rain was thick, hard and fast..
Mt. Rushmore... :) such smooth faces..
Crazy Horse Memorial... its going to be huge.. someday..
Yellostone tomorrow...
hesitantly excited that we might get to hike.. that he will be over his flailing and restlessness and exhaustion and DO something..
I want to rent ATVs or White Water Raft.. or hike.. camp atleast..

I suppose we shall see...

Badlands!!! aka Mars..

WELCOME TO SOUTH DAKOTA!

Some HUGE concrete teepee

Me being a curious dork

Bad lighting...

Standing in line to get into the Arch.

THE ARCH!

Bad then okay then bad then good then etc.
He rolled into my place Thursday around 3:30 and immediately complained of migraine.. threw up.. and passed out..
My parents and brother went to a baseball game.. leaving him and i alone.. he went to sleep
i felt as though i should have gone with them.. cuz i mis my little brother... and wont see him.. nor my parents for a long time
I couldn't sleep.. so made him leave with me at 6 am. we drove.. well i drove.. a good 3 hours.. he drove 2.. we stopped in Nashville where he had a seizure.. in the parking lot of the Opryland.. SCARIEST thing ever.. he was all red and tight and muscles and veins bulging.. i remembered him saying if it ever happened to not call 911.. but I did.. I gave in.. I was sooo soo scared.. when he came to he had this glazed look.. was spittling.. and looked at me as if he had no idea who i was.. when the ambulance/fire/security came he told them that we had trouble cranking the car and thats why we called.. he was stumbling and stuttering.. I was confused.. did he make up that story to get out of talking to them? out of going to the hospital? I felt stupid..guilty for calling 911.. Finaly i stepped in.. "You had a Seizer!"
He didnt remember... I had no idea that one loses their memory after a seizure.. I felt horrible as he tried to answer questions like what day it was and everything. It was clear he was fine.. but they couldnt let him go until he knew the day/ec/
I wasted his time.. their time..
I wanted to drive us to St. Loius.. so we could go to the aRch in the morning.. take our time.. but we only made it to Mt. Vernon, IL when he saw a Motel 6 and made me stop. So i did.. crying silently.. frustrated.. traumatized.. tired of driving.. defeated..
He took and I drove us around an hour while he decided what to eat for dinner. I was mildly hopeful that he would eat something.. then I would be able to not feel like shit for eating dinner.. He chose a TINY burger.. and a milkshake that he didnt even eat.. I dropped him off at the hotel and drove to my refuge.. the grocery store..
I biught him candy. I couldnt buy myself anything except an energy drink for the next day and Pezz (YUM) which i had one little packet for my dinner..
He was asleep when i got back.. at 8.. I cried.. myself to sleep.. thinking.. What would my dad think if he knew.. How did i get myself in this situation.. I want to go home.. I want a life.. I want someone who will eat... etc.

Today was better..
We stopped at the St. Loius Arch anyway.. didnt go up it cuz it was too long of a line. but i LOVE that little museum down below.. on Lewis and Clark and Oregon Trail..
I used to read stories about them.. both adventures.. and create journals as if i were on one of those.. either Sacajewa's younger sister.. or i would create my own family for a wagon train.. journaling about the misinformation heard about the rich land of Oregon.. the promises it held.. what we were leaving behind.. fears.. hopes..
Driving across the prairie. seeing forever.. lasting forever.. We made it to Soiux City, IO
He cant sleep.
therefore neither can i.
We had dinner at 5
hes still not hungry
i am starving
but wont allow myself to admit it.. nor do anything about it
because I feel fat.. weird.. like a pig.. because hes not in the least hungry
HOW?
its been 7 hours..
:(
I need to be with people who actually eat
but at the same time.. i guess thiss is good for losing weight..

Badlands National Park tomorrow.. its only 387 miles.. I know we will make it.
and i know he wont be able to drive
but then again.. I cant sleep either.. so.. we shall see..