Im not going to give up
thinga are getting better
or at least for the moment

1. I sold my ipod shuffle for $70 on Amazon (which means I got $67)
2. I got tax money back... $411
3. Im at home.. I love my daddy.. and my mom too yes
4. I have a job interveiw tomorrow with the Outdoor School in Texas which will be hiring for September.. they remembered my application from when I tried to apply back in December and they were full up.. as a teacher...
5. I had a job interveiw with Child Haven in Seattle as a Therapeutic Child Care Worker.. and get to do 3 days of training so they can see me at work before they decide to hire me
6. We are about to head out soon.. excited.. nervous.. scared all at the same time..
7. Hes on top of things.. getting paid Wed and coming to me.. hopefully to stay with me Wed night and then head out Thur....

Its a beautiful day
and I can eat without feeling like pooh or puking

...lets see how long this "high" will last..

...For Your Amusement...

AND NOW....
......Some One Sentence Commencement Speeches...

No matter how low you consider yourself, there is always someone looking up at you wishing they were that high.

The world is speaking to you every day. You just don't always know how to listen.

You are a little part of everyone, and everyone is a little part of you- our humanity depends on yours.

Wonder

Sometimes it's more than okay to be terrified.

on the days you think the sun won't shine, remember every moment you spent smiling at a friend, a lover, anyone, for if they smiled back, that shining sun is worth more than any cloudy day.

Understand the difference between being an adult and growing up...

There's no "perfect" job, just employment you make the best of.

Always look people in the eye when you talk to them, that way you know you have their attention, and they have yours.

Going out into the "real world" is a scary concept until it hits you (and it will!) that you are already living in the real world and always have been.

If you'll regret it in the morning, sleep 'til noon.

You will make it. But someone will love you even if you don't.

questioning whether you should do something or not? do it. life is too short to pass up opportunities that could change your life memorable.

If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Take the chance- even if you are scared - you might hate it - it may not work - it may work - you might love it - but don't live to regret not taking it

you have brains in your head. you have feet in your shoes. you can steer yourself in any direction you choose. you're on your own. and you know what you know. you are the guy who'll decide where to go. (Dr. Suess)

Chase dreams, not paychecks.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There will never be anyone youer than you." (Dr. SuesS)

You will lose things you can't imagine losing, and you will find things you never thought you would find. No doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should, even if it is unclear to you at the time.

Don't be afraid to take leaps, you can't cross a chasm in two small steps.

The goal isn't to live forever; but to create something that will

"The hardest part isn't finding who we need to be. It's being content with who you are."

"If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart. I'll always be with you." -Pooh

sad

i leave tomorrow to go home
to see my parents for a few days
hes coming by either Wednesday night or thursday and we are on our way
somehow i dont have faith he will come wednesday night

My last day here and he slept
or piddled around across the street "working" which requires lots of "breaks" for "relaxation" in a certain form

but i stil feel lazy
and nothings working
and i took a long walk today.. stopped in the middle for some yoga.. with STS9 blasting in my ears
which made me sick with nostalgia and the yearning for a nice trip
trip and dance it all away
gone gone gone

still no real hope in terms of jobs out there.. except there is one CrabShack hiring.. but who knows if they still will be by hte time we make it out there... .and the ice cream place told me to stop by so they could "check me out" or something like that.. as if i am not good enough for them i guess..

but anyway
im glad to see my parents
but have no idea what to tell them when they ask me why my moneys all gone
i cant tell them the REAL reason..
that i lent it hundred by hundred to him so he could feel good meanwhile i died a little inside each time

i need friends
that dont rely on pills
that can have REAL .. pure.. fun..

With eating disorders.. you do not need tips on how to not eat. You do not need to be told how to stop eating. You do no need to be motivated. You look in the mirror. Problem solved.

Things are slowly changing.. getting better..
in fact.. when i came back from driving his cousin to Wilmington His eyes were wide.. shiny.. normal.. they had that same mischievous look that i fell in love with.. he laughed the laugh i do enjoy..
He's getting off them.. for me.. for him.. for the future..
I like it when his eyes shine


but
no job in seattle :( After calling them day after day.. i finally realized my emails were being re-directed and so i found an email hidden among them from her.. saying they chose someone else..
i cried some more
but
at least i do have some other jobs calling me
and
if not.. i will be in friday harbor..

Whata beautiful night
i cant even explain the feelings

and we talked.. a lot.. about everything.. good and bad.. happy and sad...
first time we met.. how we got to where we are...

(:
a beautiful escape from the disappointments all around me..
it only for the night..

Still not happy
nope
still not better
nope

but i think i found a solution
its petty
its stupid
and i have no real way of getting it
but i want it

BESIDES THAT
i got to hookah today.. and wander antique shops.. and research my solution
it was nice to have someone here with me
His cousin came by for the day
waiting for His sister to come pick him up to take him to Wilmington

is it so hard to find someone who has values?
who thinks its weird that when i was picked up at the airport He was messed and asking me to drive and then making me drive him all these places for him to get stuff?
are there people there whose life extends BEYOND that.. and depending on that..

and i feel as though i cannot connect with people anymore
and that scares me
i try to talk to people
i try to be with them.. be okay.. want to let loose and have fun
but all i really want to do is go home
be alone
read
be okay with myself
and im NOT okay with myself
and i hate that feeling

i was hoping this job would be my escape route
my test to see if he could handle being without me or shaping up...
and now i dont have it