Things are slowly changing.. getting better..
in fact.. when i came back from driving his cousin to Wilmington His eyes were wide.. shiny.. normal.. they had that same mischievous look that i fell in love with.. he laughed the laugh i do enjoy..
He's getting off them.. for me.. for him.. for the future..
I like it when his eyes shine


but
no job in seattle :( After calling them day after day.. i finally realized my emails were being re-directed and so i found an email hidden among them from her.. saying they chose someone else..
i cried some more
but
at least i do have some other jobs calling me
and
if not.. i will be in friday harbor..

Whata beautiful night
i cant even explain the feelings

and we talked.. a lot.. about everything.. good and bad.. happy and sad...
first time we met.. how we got to where we are...

(:
a beautiful escape from the disappointments all around me..
it only for the night..

Still not happy
nope
still not better
nope

but i think i found a solution
its petty
its stupid
and i have no real way of getting it
but i want it

BESIDES THAT
i got to hookah today.. and wander antique shops.. and research my solution
it was nice to have someone here with me
His cousin came by for the day
waiting for His sister to come pick him up to take him to Wilmington

is it so hard to find someone who has values?
who thinks its weird that when i was picked up at the airport He was messed and asking me to drive and then making me drive him all these places for him to get stuff?
are there people there whose life extends BEYOND that.. and depending on that..

and i feel as though i cannot connect with people anymore
and that scares me
i try to talk to people
i try to be with them.. be okay.. want to let loose and have fun
but all i really want to do is go home
be alone
read
be okay with myself
and im NOT okay with myself
and i hate that feeling

i was hoping this job would be my escape route
my test to see if he could handle being without me or shaping up...
and now i dont have it

still no word
i keep making excuses for her
for why she didnt calll... "maybe today is her day off" ... "maybe she's waiting for the criminal background check to come in"..
etc.
but she said that the lady who used to have that position left LAST FRIDAY and she had been covering for her this past week and needed someone ASAP.
so
knowing that i am across the country.. and it would take me atleast 2 days to get to work (one to prepare/pack/go to where i am flying out) and one to fly
she would have called me asap
but she hasn't

and i need that job
or atleast need to know
He's talking about leaving soon.. and doesn't understand that if i do get hte job i will need to be there within a matter of days.
I wouldnt be able to drive
and i cant take him to my parents in the state that hes been in
my parents already suspect

but i did get to go to work last night
made a good soloid $50 after i handed over my $90 paycheck to Him before I left.
its frustrating when everything I make goes to him
for things I wouldn't ever do
though lately have been tempted.. just to feel comfortably numb
but he still wont let me
and i know he does love me
and sometimes in the morning or late at night he mumbles a song to me.. a sort of sleepy serenade..
and everytime i come home he holds me.. not just a hug.. but more than that

anyway
he knows this.. but if things dont get better.. if i dont see that he is trying.. i am going home. to mom and dad.
and when i told him that we needed to stop by my parents for a couple nights before we DID head out
"What are we going to do all day?" "Why 2 nights?"
Because
1. I miss my parents
2. I wont see them again for at least the summer if not more
3. We have been hanging out at his parents house for the past many months with no plans... nothing to do...
4. etc
I want my daddy
and he immediately went back on his word "Im sorry.. we can spend 4 nights there" but i know it was just to pacify me.. to stop the tears.

and everyday i do wake up with a hole.. a dread.. knowing that there are no plans.. that i have to find things to do.. to entertain myself.. or him..

blah.
i am tired of chasing after people
of fighting for things
of people taking advantage.
of me not being able to say no
because im scared that if i say no
they will not want me
they will be mad.. upset..
bad things can happen when one says no

anyway
i went back to my work and picked up my last paycheck.

and i went on a walk with Him
and it was fine
he was still out
and we had a slight silly thing going on
where i said that since it was so hot we should go back and drive down to Calabash to get snowballs
he said, "we should walk!"
its a long way
i was skeptical
and i admitted that.
he taunted me that i couldn't do it
i felt icky.. and so i told him that i was going to go
so i started off
he shouted once
and then turned back to go home
and i continued walking hoping that he would come after me
apologize
i dont know
not that he did anything wrong
but he never
and i gave up
and started after him.. tearing up.. and soon full out crying..
he never turned around
never came back
so i ahd to sit by the pond to let it out before i went back
thinking
too much thinking
i sooo almost drove home today
instead i drove to get my check...

still havent heard
still feel the world crushing in on me
still feeling the high and acceptance of being with my uncles friends
(i only had ONE Mike';s Hard Lemonade and i was gone for the rest of the night.. very entertianing and amusing.. and im sure i was to them too)

and i only bought one purchase there.. other than the restaurants i went to with my couchsurfer friend..
a cute hat.. $50.. but soo worth it.. and soo me..
and i wear it to make others smile
and i accomplished that quite a bit yesterday while walking though the airport..
yea, sure some people were laughing at me.. maybe... but others were just amused.. some admired..
atleast i made an impact on their day
not just another balloon floating by

and i was highly dissapointed at my welcome home
yes he came to get me
to pick me up
i drove us home
and then to his freinds so they could drive somewhere .. WAY down a dirt road.. to get some stuff
and then to a very scary area.. where guys rushed the car.. at 1 am.. to get more stuff
and my $100..
and i cried
and tried not to show it
because i knew he wasnt himself
again

Touchdown!
the time warp thing... i was going to say what time i did. but it was 2 different times.. MY time.. and SEATTLE time..
anyway
It was 9:20 Seattle time.. 12:20 MY time..
i was exhausted.. not having slept much the night before.. talking with HIM.. etc..

the flights were uneventful for the most part.. except for me being scared i wasnt going to make the last one due to the 40 minute layover.. but i did.. cuz the flight before it rolled in 15 minutes early.. and DESPITE the fact i had to book it from one terminal to another (with 2 inbetween) I made it with time to spare.. though my luggage didnt
Yes.
My luggage went somewhere else..
I was so tired.. a sleepy-psyched to couchsurf for the first official time with potential new roomie.. ready to open my life to new possibilities.. assuring myself that riding the buses from 10-11:20 at night was fine nad the most that would happen would i would get to tell stories of the things id seen...
they told me my planes would arrive at 10:45.. I could wait... but that woujld mean the buses wouldnt come again til nearly midnight.. not getting me to her place til 1:20
i fought back the tears of frustration
she did everything she could... i attempted to.. but was defeated so i didnt do as much as i could have
but she talked to me :) and made plans for the next day...

my uncle came sauntering in to save me.. we spent time time catching up on the past 5 months since id last seen/stayed with him..
I do still have this silly adoration for him.. he is 37 or so but i do remember when i was younger i had this infatuation with him.. not romantic.. but fascinated.. he was older..but not too old.. too young to be my uncle.. single.. went on all kinds of adventures from which he brought back pictures.. he was always super nice.. smelled good.. dressed swanky (metrosexual some people might say) and lived in FREMONT.. with the troll under the bridge.

anyway
i love flying
seeing the world from above.. it receding below me as we rise.. and getting closer and bigger as we land.. like GoogleEarth, but in real life.. the mountains.. seeing all the green slowly become trees.. the building and houses.. slowly you could see windows and swing sets in the backyard.. the lights speeding this way and that on the roads turning into cars..
beautiful
to me at least

but i had too much time to think.. as usual.. and as usual, came to no conclusion. about anything.
just dreaming of the life in Seattle.. good and bad... how PERFECT that job is for me

((I DID GO HOME TO DO SOME CATCH UP/REMINDER RESEARCH SO I AM PREPARED DOUBLY.. on THE GOINGS ON IN THE MUSEUM>>> ART>> etc... thinking of intelligent questions i could ask/say during the interview to make them realize that i need/want this job soo much-without sounding like begging for mercy..)

as my uncle drove me back to his place.. i was filled with a warmth.. memories of growing up.. visiting various parts in seattle.. the smell.. the light drizzle.. the houses.. everything.. my grandma who did so much for me without really doing anything at all (my inspiration now and forever more).. Pike Place.. EMP.. the Aquarium.. the piers.. riding the buses.. HumBows.. lots of tantalizing restaurants.. and so much more.. good and bad... but it was a warmth nonetheless

and now i must get ready for the day.. see what it might bring.. i dont know.. but its going to happen anyway.