still no word
i keep making excuses for her
for why she didnt calll... "maybe today is her day off" ... "maybe she's waiting for the criminal background check to come in"..
etc.
but she said that the lady who used to have that position left LAST FRIDAY and she had been covering for her this past week and needed someone ASAP.
so
knowing that i am across the country.. and it would take me atleast 2 days to get to work (one to prepare/pack/go to where i am flying out) and one to fly
she would have called me asap
but she hasn't

and i need that job
or atleast need to know
He's talking about leaving soon.. and doesn't understand that if i do get hte job i will need to be there within a matter of days.
I wouldnt be able to drive
and i cant take him to my parents in the state that hes been in
my parents already suspect

but i did get to go to work last night
made a good soloid $50 after i handed over my $90 paycheck to Him before I left.
its frustrating when everything I make goes to him
for things I wouldn't ever do
though lately have been tempted.. just to feel comfortably numb
but he still wont let me
and i know he does love me
and sometimes in the morning or late at night he mumbles a song to me.. a sort of sleepy serenade..
and everytime i come home he holds me.. not just a hug.. but more than that

anyway
he knows this.. but if things dont get better.. if i dont see that he is trying.. i am going home. to mom and dad.
and when i told him that we needed to stop by my parents for a couple nights before we DID head out
"What are we going to do all day?" "Why 2 nights?"
Because
1. I miss my parents
2. I wont see them again for at least the summer if not more
3. We have been hanging out at his parents house for the past many months with no plans... nothing to do...
4. etc
I want my daddy
and he immediately went back on his word "Im sorry.. we can spend 4 nights there" but i know it was just to pacify me.. to stop the tears.

and everyday i do wake up with a hole.. a dread.. knowing that there are no plans.. that i have to find things to do.. to entertain myself.. or him..

blah.
i am tired of chasing after people
of fighting for things
of people taking advantage.
of me not being able to say no
because im scared that if i say no
they will not want me
they will be mad.. upset..
bad things can happen when one says no

anyway
i went back to my work and picked up my last paycheck.

and i went on a walk with Him
and it was fine
he was still out
and we had a slight silly thing going on
where i said that since it was so hot we should go back and drive down to Calabash to get snowballs
he said, "we should walk!"
its a long way
i was skeptical
and i admitted that.
he taunted me that i couldn't do it
i felt icky.. and so i told him that i was going to go
so i started off
he shouted once
and then turned back to go home
and i continued walking hoping that he would come after me
apologize
i dont know
not that he did anything wrong
but he never
and i gave up
and started after him.. tearing up.. and soon full out crying..
he never turned around
never came back
so i ahd to sit by the pond to let it out before i went back
thinking
too much thinking
i sooo almost drove home today
instead i drove to get my check...

still havent heard
still feel the world crushing in on me
still feeling the high and acceptance of being with my uncles friends
(i only had ONE Mike';s Hard Lemonade and i was gone for the rest of the night.. very entertianing and amusing.. and im sure i was to them too)

and i only bought one purchase there.. other than the restaurants i went to with my couchsurfer friend..
a cute hat.. $50.. but soo worth it.. and soo me..
and i wear it to make others smile
and i accomplished that quite a bit yesterday while walking though the airport..
yea, sure some people were laughing at me.. maybe... but others were just amused.. some admired..
atleast i made an impact on their day
not just another balloon floating by

and i was highly dissapointed at my welcome home
yes he came to get me
to pick me up
i drove us home
and then to his freinds so they could drive somewhere .. WAY down a dirt road.. to get some stuff
and then to a very scary area.. where guys rushed the car.. at 1 am.. to get more stuff
and my $100..
and i cried
and tried not to show it
because i knew he wasnt himself
again

Touchdown!
the time warp thing... i was going to say what time i did. but it was 2 different times.. MY time.. and SEATTLE time..
anyway
It was 9:20 Seattle time.. 12:20 MY time..
i was exhausted.. not having slept much the night before.. talking with HIM.. etc..

the flights were uneventful for the most part.. except for me being scared i wasnt going to make the last one due to the 40 minute layover.. but i did.. cuz the flight before it rolled in 15 minutes early.. and DESPITE the fact i had to book it from one terminal to another (with 2 inbetween) I made it with time to spare.. though my luggage didnt
Yes.
My luggage went somewhere else..
I was so tired.. a sleepy-psyched to couchsurf for the first official time with potential new roomie.. ready to open my life to new possibilities.. assuring myself that riding the buses from 10-11:20 at night was fine nad the most that would happen would i would get to tell stories of the things id seen...
they told me my planes would arrive at 10:45.. I could wait... but that woujld mean the buses wouldnt come again til nearly midnight.. not getting me to her place til 1:20
i fought back the tears of frustration
she did everything she could... i attempted to.. but was defeated so i didnt do as much as i could have
but she talked to me :) and made plans for the next day...

my uncle came sauntering in to save me.. we spent time time catching up on the past 5 months since id last seen/stayed with him..
I do still have this silly adoration for him.. he is 37 or so but i do remember when i was younger i had this infatuation with him.. not romantic.. but fascinated.. he was older..but not too old.. too young to be my uncle.. single.. went on all kinds of adventures from which he brought back pictures.. he was always super nice.. smelled good.. dressed swanky (metrosexual some people might say) and lived in FREMONT.. with the troll under the bridge.

anyway
i love flying
seeing the world from above.. it receding below me as we rise.. and getting closer and bigger as we land.. like GoogleEarth, but in real life.. the mountains.. seeing all the green slowly become trees.. the building and houses.. slowly you could see windows and swing sets in the backyard.. the lights speeding this way and that on the roads turning into cars..
beautiful
to me at least

but i had too much time to think.. as usual.. and as usual, came to no conclusion. about anything.
just dreaming of the life in Seattle.. good and bad... how PERFECT that job is for me

((I DID GO HOME TO DO SOME CATCH UP/REMINDER RESEARCH SO I AM PREPARED DOUBLY.. on THE GOINGS ON IN THE MUSEUM>>> ART>> etc... thinking of intelligent questions i could ask/say during the interview to make them realize that i need/want this job soo much-without sounding like begging for mercy..)

as my uncle drove me back to his place.. i was filled with a warmth.. memories of growing up.. visiting various parts in seattle.. the smell.. the light drizzle.. the houses.. everything.. my grandma who did so much for me without really doing anything at all (my inspiration now and forever more).. Pike Place.. EMP.. the Aquarium.. the piers.. riding the buses.. HumBows.. lots of tantalizing restaurants.. and so much more.. good and bad... but it was a warmth nonetheless

and now i must get ready for the day.. see what it might bring.. i dont know.. but its going to happen anyway.

whwwww

ive been in and out of sickness for hte past long while.. including a trip to the ER early Saturday morning..
migraines
nausea
chills.. hot.. cold.. fatigue.. feeling as though i weighed 1.,00 pounds..
on and off
sometimes worse than others
but no fever
nothing came of the ER except some shots of benedryl
and then i suddenly felt stupid for going
and He was falling asleep.. or attempting to.. since he hadnt been able to for a long while due to his withrawling
which got so bad the other day i lent him $190 to ride 2 hours to pick up "something" to ease his pain

meanwhile
i bought him
Trainspotting
cuz it reminds me of him

and I told my work I was leaving 100% wed to fly out to sEattle to do the interveiw
i felt horrible
the wife.lady got all panicky and sad
the husband.man got all loud (as usual) and "Bah.. well do what you gotta do i suppose while we suffer back here"
and he gave me a hard time for using one of the take out menues that was on the floor to pick up some half eaten sandwich bread and cheese instead of my hands "THATS LIKE USING MONEY TO PICK UP GARBAGE"
and for taking a delivery order of just one sandwich.. which was $9.76.. and just down the street.. "I DONT DELIVER IF IT IS UNDER $10"
I dont like working when he is there.. he intimidates me.. i try not to let it..
I am going to miss waitressing.. even though I havent been able to enjoy the financial benefits since most of what I earn goes to him for some reason or another
Hes supposed to be quitting cigarettes.. In fact he told the place he is working this summer that he HAS quit.. 5 months ago.. and he still continues to sit around and do not miuch at all.. though occasionally he does go across the street to the house they are working on to help out..
but i do have that little ball of fear that the job is going to be too much for him.. physically and not being able to stop smoking or use his "recreationals" ..
..and when I was horribly sad that I might have to work in a different city than him I said "I don't think I could do the day to day without coming home and having you hold me"
He said, "I dont think I can afford to live in Friday harbor without you"
:(
so its money
not me
like my roomate from T-town
"Im sure going to miss your cooking"
not me
my cooking
I brought htat up to him later.. he got pissed off and left the room "You know its more than that"
meanwhile I was confined to the bed due to migrane.nausea./chills./sickness beyond any other
so i couldnt even follow
but i did.. and explained that I DONT HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO ANYMORE.. all the thoughts get jumbled.. i dont know whats right and whats wrong.. i cant even trust my eyes when they look down at my body.. or the mirrors.. or other people
he doesnt realize the extent of the struggles in my mind
i dont expect him to..
but he does know that when i collapse on the couch next to him.. he plays with my hair.. strokes my arm.. brings me up to hold him
and my favorite time of day is the monring when he sleepily reaches for me to hold me
or at night when we are laying in the bed and hes watching tv and im just holding on for dear life.. sometimes watching tv somethings thinking myself into a hole... or a plateau..

booked a flight leaving wed... coming back friday.. interveiw thursday
terrified
im not going to get it
but
im going to go in there like i am
and settle my mind

and of course
just my luck
there is no ferry service from Friday Harbor and Seattle.. so.. either him or the job...
:/
or i could visit him Saturday night to Monday night..
but then i would need to figure outhow to get to Anacortes from seattle without a car
and
and how to get to seattle with my stuff by the time the job starts (if i got the job)

and im hungry
but nothing is appetizing
stupid childrens museum for calling me and messing with my head..

Well..
okay now..
This job
i cant Get it out of my head.. CANNOT stop thinking about how it is my dream job
but i need to be there for in=person inverveiws THIS NEXT WEEK...
my dad offered to let me use his sky miles to fly out there
but
do i need a one-way ticket? a round trip?
CAN i leave him? WOULD i? Would he follow me?

Position Title: Imagination Studio Facilitator

Position Function and Purpose: The Imagination Studio Facilitator assists in the daily operation of the Imagination Studio, a drop-in art studio where artists, children, and their families work together exploring the process of creating visual art. Primary duties include preparation and maintenance of art supplies, studio space, and program facilitation.

Position Responsibilities:

Preparation and maintenance of art supplies, studio space for daily and weekend programming
Contribute to development and implementation of featured art projects
Engage parents and caregivers regarding the relevance of artistic exploration to child development
Encourage children's self expression and material exploration through facilitation of programming
Support educational objectives for children ages 6 months through 10 years
Ensure a welcoming environment in the studio to promote a positive visitor experience
Education requirements:

Coursework in the arts and education field

Job Requirements:

Experience with arts-based youth programs, early childhood development, museum work

Additional Requirements:

Positive and optimistic attitude, strong work ethic
Creative thinker, able to work with limited supplies
Demonstrated dependability, reliability, on-time performance and regular attendance in past jobs
Experience and comfort working with diverse cultures, children and a broad audience age range
Able to lift 40 pounds
Excellent communication skills
Enjoy working in a team setting!

Schedule:

Tue-Sat 9:30-5:30

Compensation:

$10.00 per hour, with opportunity for increase after 90 days, subject to experience and performance


I dont know
it sounds too good to be true
but i cant face another rejection
and i cant afford to lose my waitressing if this one doesnt work out
its SUCH a risk
emotionally and financially..