FEEL THE BEAT!!

NERD
Is good to listen to
while you
dance-walk..





(this.. by the way.. is "our song")


I had way too much fun...
I walked down to the pier
(i went back to my parents today)
to see about Kayaking.. but the water was too low.. i couldnt get out of the little bay area
so
i put my ear-muff headphones on again (those HUGE ones that cover your entire ears.. but the sound is AMAZING)
and continued down the path
dance-walking
grooving to the music
with my hands
with the beat
hopping and moving back and forth and all around
venturing off the trail for a bit..
(turning the music to Iron & WIne and "Scarborough Faire")
as i followed some deer tracks into the depths of the forest
:)

but i miss him
but i cant just sit there and watch him watch tv.. do his thing.. not eat...
and his sister and his cousin are not out there anymore
so i have no one to talk to
his mom is fun.. and his dad always has people over..
but i need my daddy

besides.. I got news last night that we are going to NEWFOUNDLAND!!!!
March 20-29..
some closure on Kyle..
spread the last of his ashes..
i want to visit with his old friends.. find out from them what he was REALLY all about..

stagnant

It has its moment.s..
i get restless
he sleeps
lays around in front of the tv
im fine with it... if i had something to do
I get to talk and chill with his sister and his cousin..
but thats not enough...
the nights..evenings make up for it..
the hugs and holding make up for it
the whispered words of promises i hesitate to believe
but it feels so good to believe
i want to let go of all doubt and accept this
but
i still live in fear of when this si going to end
so tahts why i spend all this time with him
because I want to soak it up as long as i can
as long as it will last

In other news...
I got to do an interview for San Diego zoo.. so my hopes are brightened by potential...
imagine
living out there on the West Coast..
Sunny San Diego..
whether he comes or not..
I am so there when tehy offer it to me

I get to hosue sit for my old boss~! :) The only sad part is she and her baby and husband will not be there! :(
alas..
I have a place to stay for a good bit
visit old freinds in the area
get some closure on the area...
I just love her
and her baby
and her husband
they have done SOOOO much for me
they will never even know...

I also got an email from my aunt in Buckley, WA offereing for me to become a nanny for her
whenever I want to come up
for however long id like to come up
ferrying her kids to different sports and practices and games...
perhaps cooking (I hope....)

Also my brothers spring break is coming up so that means FAMILY TRIP (if i dont have a job)

My thoughts are also clouded with the past..
Kevin.. yes yuou are there
Mark Dominey and Alonzo.. good freinds i havent heard from since I left Newfoundland that mean a lot to me..
and more
and good times
and sad times
but i miss them alll
anyway
i need to figure out this food situation

OH! I Made them dinner last ngiht :) Roasted potatoes.. he did hte buirger patties..
but i also made breakfast
FRENCH TOAST! YUMMMMMMMMY
and i let them know the offer always stands
if they want
French toast
grilled cheese... or cheese and ham..
Pancakes
Scrambled eggs.. omlettes..
POPCORN..
etc

on and off and off and on
im here
im there
im with him
i give in
i gave in
i did it
i love itwe shall see
hes good to me
no real complaints..
i love it

despite my dreams/nightmares
im going to accept life as it is
i cry'
because he leaves me for someone
someone prettier
smaller
tighter
whatever
anything
everything
and i cry
and he holds me
which makes me cry more
because i dont know
but now
im trying so hard to just accept the present
let it happen
enjoy it
and not worry or fear the future.

I FOUND THE DAM!

^_^
I love kayak
I love it out on the water.. no distraction.. just free flowing thoughts.. nature..
I chased geese.. I skirted the edge of the islands..
ANd i found a dam
It made me sad.. the interruption from nature
then i got curious
what was beyond it?
So i paddled all the way far to the edge of the huge river.. parked the kayak among the floating logs.. hopped my way to shore and trekked up the cliff/hill and around the bend..
it was actually quite beautiful.. the gushing water.. like if you chomp your teeth together and spit out water inbetween...
the graying Spanish moss still hanging off the trees.. logs spurting up in the middle of the river.. the random small islands and splatters of the sea grass poking out as i tried to make my way through the maze..

its good to think
but i still haven't come to conclusions..
I cant stop thinking about him
but i also cant wait around for him to decide

So far..
i think i want to stay with my parents.. venture around a bit if people want me to visit.. but spend the days kayaking and treadmilling.. getting in shape.. taking care of myself..
and then
off to Thailand to teach English at $950 per month.. . May-Feb..

but things can quickly change
because i am easily influenced..

tattoos.. all 8.. as requested..

HIS tattoo.. $200.. native american indian art.. a catfish.. TOOK FOREVER!! :/


$85 my honeypot :) i love honey/..


$80 the CLAW!! supposed to be puff the magic dragon.. but i am quite easily influenced by tattoo men after a drink or two..


$120 a sparrow.. they carry the souls of the dead.. it wasnt suposed to be that far down my neck.. it was supposed to be back a bit.. but oh well.. and it hurts the worst.. NECK TATTTOOS HURT!! :( :( they have to STRETCH each inch of the skin,. tattoo it.. let it go.. stretch it again.. and tatt again..etc.


$100.. Native American whale jumping out of hte water.. He drew it.. i got it.. hes jealous :)


$130 YOSHI!! and baby mario~ dedicated to Kyle.. my brother.. he used to tease me about Yoshi and how Yoshi was a donkey and i believed him for the longest time..


$60 pretty pretty stars.. my favorite.. but its so hidden that no one can really see.. but so pretty..


$85.. MY very first.. in late august of 2008.. and now.. as of Feb 23 09 i have 8 tattoos.. :)

Last of the Mohicans..

ove the movie
love the music
.....

KAYAK!! :) :) :)

Kayaking
is
amazing

I went out for the first time in my life..
walked down to the peir in the community where my parents live.. free access to the waters, canoes and kayaks..
took my time figuring out the lock.. how to get the kayak out of the locks.. dragging it (tho not REALLY dragging it because iwas afraid to break it) to the end of the peir and putting it in the water.. getting in without tipping.. realizing i left my ipod and headphones on the dock... got back out somehow.. put it away.. got back in.. realized i didnt lock everything back up.. got out.. did it.. got back in.. realized i didnt have a lifejacket... got out.. unlocked it again.. got one.. locked it back up.. got back in.. realized i didnt have the paddle..
but
i finally made it out.. it was rough at first.. no idea HOW to use the thing.. i had my experience with canoes.. but not with kayaks..
:)
but i got roaring.. down the river.. nearing sunset.. looking out at the naked trees.. Spanish moss.. logs sticking out of the water.. i sat out there a bit.. cried some more.. decided it was getting dark.. headed back.. realized i was going AGAINST the wind AND Against the tide.. finally made it back around the island.. couldnt find the dock in the dark.. but finally made it.. after 2 phone calls from my mom
"Hello! where are you? This is your mom.. being a mom.. its time to come home.. its dark.."

so lovely to be surrounded by water.. hearing it lap up against the side of the kayak.. i really didnt want to come back in

and now i have blisters on my thumbs..