Question..

Then again
in all my driving
i cant help but think
contemplate
wonder...

CAN you really swim in jello?
would you SINK??
would you get STUCK??
im sure it would make a difference it if it were solid or if it were crumbly.. smaller bits of jiggliness..

i swear to you
thats the question that i mull over while i am driving
over and over..
picturing the jello abrilliant blue color..

weekend UPDATE!

Its really depressing to be shot down by so many jobs... to not get a reply at all..

this weekend.. starting Saturday.. has been not fun.. disappointment after event after bad thing..
First.. left him.. he had to work.. :( after an amazing time .. i had to leave him.. but i understand.. he needs to work..
drove 5.5 hours to meet up with a friend who wasn't in town yet..
so i tried to track down a tattoo parlor to do another tattoo..couldn't find one..
so i parked and wandered the Quad.. among the shirtless frat boys playing endless rounds of ultimate frisbee...
it WAS a beautiful day... and it brought back wonderful memories of the good times I had laying around and painting out on the grass greeting random people as they walked by.. taking them hostage and feeding them cookies and other random things that I had.. making them paint with me.. wandering off to my place to indulge in hookah and homemade goodies.. music and N64.. .
Then she FINALLY made it!! :) And we visited her friend and the poor thing had too much fun the night before so fell asleep and didnt go out (until after I had given up and left on my own)
SOOO
I went to the bar.
met a friend
got abducted and attacked by my old roommate to the point i SHRIEKED like a banshee and dropped my drink (nothing was left)
got drinks bought
stared at some transvestite hookers that were in the same bar
saw my exes friend and unzipped one of his jacket pockets and found a bunch of condoms (the CONDOM POCKET)
ran into an old friend.. the tattooed up one that inspired me to get tattoos and gave me my first experience with MaryJane..
,kept getting texts from another friend who wanted me to go to his friends show (which actually was the reason hy I CAME to town in the first place.. but got districted easily away from it)
ended up MEETING with this old friend.. pretty much ditching Joe and my roommate.. knew I was getting into a mess but wanted it anyway...
we went to the house where everyone was rockin out.. chillin.. playing STS9 and talking... I kept thinking i should leave.. but never did... I should have.. i really should have..
got offered Lucy.. and when I realized the price he was asking (for me to F*** him) I kicked him in that area with my heels and bolted.. tried to sleep on the couch.. had to fight off one guy and ended up leaving and driving and parking in front of my other friends apartment and sleeping in the backseat of my car because i didn't want to call and wake her...
Had to drive another friend home the next day.. on the way down to Andalusia.. he didn't talk to me much at alll... which made it weird for me...
got pulled over for speeding.. 69 in a 55... cried my eyes out because of all that was gong wrong.. the cop let me off because I told him i was just dropping a friend off and on my way home (to Augusta) and he didn't want me to have to drive back to Alabama to do the court thingie so I got off free...
got home to Emilyss
waited for her
never showed
got rejected for 2 more jobs
i fell asleep early
no call from him either
wanted it
wanted to call him
but i dont want to be the needy little lady... tho i kinda am.. i just dont want to be
and hate that i cant stop thinking of him
and my dads work is VERY near shutting down
and my Moms getting worse
and so i drove home today
only to have them yell at me for not having a job
again

i just feel lost
aimless
homeless
unwanted
unworthy

with everything thats going WRONG in my life lately.. hes the only thing thats going right... even though hes got his own issues.. i do too though.. so...


Want to watch Trainspotting..

want
a job that is not TOO strenuous.. not TOO mainstream.. not TOO corporate.. not TOO far from wherever it is i want to be
a therapist
a kitchen to cook and experiment
a big trampoline to jump and play
friends and hookah time and play time and hug time and singing and talking and chilling and N64
and i dont want to grow up
and i am too scared to check my bank account
and i dont like driving al over the place
i need some sort of stability
i need this i nede that i want htis i want that i hate it
i want to be satisfied with my life
soon enough i guess...

toying with danger..

,mmmm
delicious
beach..
beautiful sunset
toying with dangerous territory..

i go from one to another..
this ones poison is scarier.. another level.. but so intriguing..
i watched today.. in the car..
felt all tingly.. shaky.. heart squeezed.. everything became fuzzy.. dont know if it was because i watched.. because i WANTED to also (he wont ever EVER let me) or because the smell got to me..

but
despite that..
despite everything
ive fallen
hard
and
he helps me too
so
its reciprocal.. and is so good to me
in more ways than ever

in other news..
NOTHIING
except
i realize more and more that i enjoy the danger.. the thrislll. the fun..
but it is so worth it
because i would do anything for him
and im scared for the day he doenst need me anymore..


ALSO
i want a kitty
and i want a job
and i made
RUM BALLS!!
SO SO SO SO FUN!~ :)_
delicious.. chocolatey.. rummy... mmmm..
go do it
try it..

ALSO
tattoo #6.. behind my ear.. stars..
#7 coming soon.. on the other side.. except with a moon as well..

help please...?

WHAT
is the difference
between loving someone
and
being in love with someone
...
?

the night of it all

6 times in 24 hours..
you know what im talking about

:)


anyway..
HILTON HEAD
is beautiful
quite so
though i hate it
because i got lost for sooo long
and it was after driving 5 hours
after not sleeping much the night before
due to bad dreams and perhaps canoodling
and knowing what i would have to face here

mom cried
mom rambled about Kyle
about Greg
drank a lot
all the while my dad looked at me with those eyes
as if he were trying to get me to know that they both loved me too.. its just the boys werent there.. so they were the topic of conversation
particularly Kyle
dad played music
brought out shots of Baileys in wine glasses a couple times
jibbered and jabbered about random things that made me laugh out loud
we played the music Kyle made
ate his favorite cake (Red Velvet) even though i really really dont like it.. i attempted it anyway (the frosting)

i told them about JP.. gave them bits and pieces.. my dad rambled on.. asking if his dad owned JP Morgan and if he did he should buy a hut in the Catskills and my dad would let me live with him.

my parents also got a 2 bedroom place
the 2nd bedroom with 2 twin beds
just in case i brought "a visitor"
cuz i had warned them

i am really glad that i went last night.
i needed that
i needed to not be with my family.
i needed to be held and to feel loved and special
and i got that
and my parents understand

anyway
when we alked on the beach we followed dolphins that were literally 6 feet from the gently rolling waves of the shore.. soo close...
pictures coming soon..

long weekend ahead

Kyle sent me this song one day when i was at University of Alabama.. he said he knew i would like it
and i did
and i do
and i cry to it
i cry myself to sleep with it
it helps to have something to cry to when the tears wont come when you want them to

Its going to be a rough weekend.
I mean
i love my parents
but
i want love more than anything
i want to be held
nearly a year ago my mom and dad called me at 8am.. i knew something was wrong
Kyle had died
so much for classes
i went home
couldnt cry
and through out the year
did things i shouldnt have done
that poeple wouldnt have approved of
spiraled a but out of control
but i lived
i stepped out of my comfort zone







and
the most important thing to me in my life right now
hope hes getting closer to wanting me
maybe
tho he didnt come tongiht
but i didnt think he would
but i still want him still need him all that stuff
but its so hard when my mom needs me.. my dad wants more than anything for me to stay here.. makes it clear in small.. cute little ways...
when i love the time with Emily and the fun and the highs (not literally-anymore(trying to get a joB!))
when i cant stop thinking about Kyle and how much i want him to see how much ive grown
how much i think about him
how much i want him to approve
when i have 3 job offers in the air.. that contacted me,,. bu its been nearly almost a week,, since ive heard back after i replied that i am interested...
when i feel slightly lost wehrever i go

CELTIC CROSSROADS

OO

OOOOOOOOOOOOYES
best night EVER
so far
i think
i dont know
but
wow

Emily and i went to see an Irish/Celtic band...
THEY REALLY ARE FROM IRELAND!
while i was dancing in my seat.. trying soo hard to stay put and not dance al over hte place
i knew
we were going to meet the band
and
OHYES we did
we went backstage.. cleaned up their food.. went to their parTAYYY...

we showed them waht hippie Alabama girls are..
we shocked their world
toook them back to our place
hookahed.. i beat their butt in N64.. jumped on the trampoline... danced a little more... drank a little more
and then
sadly
we had to take them back to our bus
with kind words.. close hugs and promises of a place to stay and play in Ireland..
i almost got an irish kiss.. but i got scared and pullled away..
aWWW..

so emily and i
are contemplating being groupies..