I think
what i really want
more than anything
is for someone to want me

to SHOW that they want me..
to DO things for me.. to ASK me to stay with them.. to PROVE that i am worth something to them

i KNOW thats what i want
im tired of people.. "well.. whatever you want" or "I dont care"
I want "no, i DO want you to stay"
or.. "I need you"
to get to know me
not just to sleep with me
but to be with ME
and if it leads to sleeping.. then so be it..

somewhere over the rainbow..

All the mirrors in my place (theres only one actually) are turned around.. facing down or away.. I cant stand them anymore. I dont want to see.
I hate pictures of me too.. I look at them sometimes and cringe.. Is that really me? Is that what I really look like?
I need to stop eating.
Not like I used to.. but just tone it down... I really hate the way i look. I do. I am ashamed.

the kids leave today.. the ones I used to work with.. I was never able to go back to say goodbye.. I wrote them each notes.. I spent soo long collaging the outside of each with pictures that reminded me of them.. AND they were confiscated before Zack gave them to the kids.. now i fear they hate me.. lost faith in me.. think i hate them...
I cried to JP last night.. its all coming to an end.. he and all of the rest of the Talisman family are going to a party.. to celebrate the end.. I cried.. I am never going to be part of that family again.. I LIVED for Talisman.. SOO many good memories.. it brought out the best in me... helped me grow... get over things i needed to... Soo many freinds.. soo many memories..
Im not even invited.. Zack is moving out and Baily is moving in (January)
Baily is the one who got me fired
Which makes it even more urgent for me to leave
Which means i have to leave all of this behind

my job.. Carina-my boss who nearly cried when i told her i was leaving.. Orlando-her adorable 17 month old son who i love to play with and apparently i am one of the only ones he is affectionate towards... Harayz-making me do things i would normally never do... JP-being there for me when i needed it and more... Starr-I have to tell my landlord im leaving-but im scared i wont even leave... the beauty all around me.. the potential that is still out there...

Either way..
im pretty much fucked
im terrified.. petrified to move away... but i dont want to stay because i know it is not going to be the same..

I just really really dont want to be forgotten
i really dont want to be used anymore
I want more
yet
i HATE the fact that i want so much..

finding myself? or losing touch?

okay.. Not that anyone reads this.. but still i want to update it..
:)

Tuesday morning my freind messaged me, asking me if i wanted to go to Nashville with him.. for the night.. with promises of getting me back by work on Wednesday at noon...
Sooo many thoughts flooded my head.
It was an automatic "no"
why would i do something dramatic.. scary.. random.. with someone I barely knew.. for just one night.. ?
Yet.. by 2 I was in the car.. on the way to Nashville.
I squashed all my fears and just WENT. I need to stop being so intimidated.. stop living in my comfort zone..
Apparantly, Harayz had a 62 year old buddy that needed to get back to Nashville.. he was in Asheville visiting his daughter.. So Harayz accepted the invite for the free ride to Nashville.
This man.. wow.. firecracker.. old hippie.. It was surreal.. they were drinking Hot Toddy in the car.. they smoked a bowl or two in the car on the highway.. jamming to Grateful Dead.. listening to stories of his wild adventures..
Harayz and him (and another person or two i think) bought a bus at the begining of last summer.. they had met at Bonnoro in 2006 and had been freinds ever since.. ANYWAY.. with this bus, they knocked out seats.. put in beds and a bar and bathroom and all that jazz and recruited people to ride with them from New York City to San Francisco.... Called The Last Great American Road Trip
Captivating.. inspiring.. I WANT TO DO IT
He also told me of how he was a cab driver and one time he had this retired lawyer in the back of his cab.. drunk.. his flight left in 4 hours and there were no bars open.. so Bubbie took this man and his friend home to his house, fed them booze and the retired man offered Bubbie a ride to Ireland and free stay with him as long as Bubbie drove them everywhere.. this dude wanted to travel but wanted to stay drunk..
Why not"?
I commented on how I wanted to travel.. but didnt have the money..
No opportunities like that ever come to me.. I DO keep my eyes open
If there was someone who was lonely.. would pay for my expenses to travel with them.. it is soo on.. Though.. I would need to meet them and be sure i feel comfortable .. I am WELL aware of potential possibilities..

Harayz and I went to this bar.. live music.. i felt the energy flow through me.. It was amazing.. the band wasnt all that amazing.. but the live music.. feeling the vibrations.. wanting so badly to feel that rush of being on stage.. lights focused-bright and blinding.. music all around you.. every touch of your hand sends out more tones and vibrations.. ohh man..

We made it back in time for work

but i was left wondering even more... WHAT am I doing with my life?
Am I finding myself? Is this who i am? Can I pick up and travel like I soooooooooo soo want to? Can I float round from place to place.. person to person.. not make any permanent connections...
but then again..
what am i doing here? $7 an hour job.. the person that keeps me going continues to fuck with my mind-whether he means to or not- AND he leaves Saturday and I wont see him till January 10th and who knows if I will even still be here!
I DO have job potentials in Portland.. Seattle..
but most of all
i do
i do want to just pick up
find someone to travel with
or a couple people
travel.. experience the world.. meet all kinds of people... make things happen..

Fun Links and Animal Mating Calls..

FUN LINKS!!!
Do NOT pass these up!!

1. Why it would rule to date a unicorn

among other things.. They Fart Glitter... Free Sleigh Rides...

2. Why you shouldn't date a tyrannosaurs rex

...You cant hold hands.. couples photos never turn out too well..

3. How To Turn Your Car Inoto an Unstoppable Murder Machine

(http://divisibleby0.com/murder/)
-..only 8 Easy Steps!!!


. Strange Mating Calls
..oooh wow.. (i am also posting all of them on here...

-Bird of Paradise-
ohh man... watch this WHOLE thing because the last 30 seconds.. im speechless..


-Lemur-
I agree.. if i heard this out in the wild i would FLIP OUT... pee my pants.. or cling to the nearest person


-Elk-
sounds eerie.. (the last minute and a half are not interesting.. so you can stop at 1:40)..


-Penguins-
FOGHORN!!!! or like that dude from seaseme street that bonks his nose to talk!!


-Manakin-
MOONWALK!! . "the only known case of a bird moonwalking" he aint got NOTHIN on Michael Jackson..


-Leopard Slug-
here is no "embed" link.. so i have to post the link.. you have to click.. and you have to watch! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhVi4Z6CjZk)
ii do hate the sound of all the slimy.. winding and dancing around each other.. eating each others slime.. sliding down on a rope of mucus... its quite romantic and all.. but also sightly nauseating..

BEST WEEKEND EVER!!

Oooh Wow..
what a weekend..
Perhaps tops the list of crazy things i;ve done.. but SO SOOOO glad i did it

So.. for the whole Couchsurfers.com thing.. a mysterious "Nathan Arden" posted a message to everyone in the Asheville community saying that he was planning a road trip up to this Unclaimed Baggage Center in Scotsboro, Alabama.
I initially (as usual) was gung ho.. as time crept closer, i started chickening out.. in which Nathan talked me out of all my excuses.
As a result this past friday i waited anxiously as 2 fellow Asheville Couchsurfers picked me up at my place.. one, Harayz i knew from many times of texting/messages AND we spent one night at a bar.. the other i had no idea who he was.
We drove 8 hours to the little town of Scotsboro, Alabama... Harayz entertained by strumming guitar in the backseat and cuddling with my cuddle frog pillow.. Halfway through i crawled in the backseat with Harayz while we tried to stay warm and tell stories of our travels.. Harayz and i had already started on some drinking in the car so by the time we arrived i was quite giddy..

The party was already going.. delicious smells were drifting from the kitchen.. laughter and people were all over..
I do remember there was quite a time i was literally sitting on the heater, letting the warmth flow up and everywhere.. everyone asked me if i was doing my Marilyn Monroe impression.. i was JUST getting WarM!
We geared up.. drank.. mixed drinks.. sampled others.. talked... mingled.. went into the Roman Room for some black lights and herbal fun.. then back down to try to act "normal" and then back up.. 8 of us piled on a Queen bed.. up WAY past everyone else.. giggling.. hearing conversations on the other side of the bed and our side trying to decipher their mutterings.. all of us ending up in laughter.... then came the time where the talk slowed down and eyes were droopy.. i remember waking up at one point and seeing two hands caressing each other in front of me.. i was in the middle.. there were actually 3 people in between these 2, but they didn't care.. they wanted to caress each others hands.. i felt hands brushing.. touching.. feeling all over for a good 45 minutes until we all drifted off into a pile of sleep..
The next morning i woke at 9 am.. WAY before anyone else.. had WAY too much energy and ended up glittering everyone..
we hung around until noon or so.. Harayz strumming on his guitar... germans talking german accenty.. chocolate chip
pancakes and bacon and sausage being made.. i played soccer with one of the germans with a tennis balll.. INTENSE!!

At the Unclaimed Baggage Center.. WOW
It certainly is not small.. nor is their selection sparce... I bought Bongos, a Ukelele and a beautiful gold trimmed Sari. I saw everything from spikey heeled boots to Punky Brewster shoes to costumes for dogs to surfboards to a Compound bow (which i REALLY anted but was $450), burned cds, lacrosse set, tea set....
AND i ran into Julie and Nick!!! hugs and laughter and catching up...
AND i ran into Wade!! ohh Wade! ha~! i miss him~ we used to work at the Arboretum together and since he left (graduateD) in 07 i think ive seem him TWICE now.. such an infectious smile.. he needs to come couchsurf with me~
AND Trent came to visit too!! he initially went to the Unclaimed Baggage Center (which i had just lefT) and eventually showed up at the lodge where everyone was staying AND spent the night! SOO exciteD! i hadnt seen him in forever and i have him to thank for introducing me to couchsurfing.com.. I OWE him.. i owe him big times.. not JUST for that, but for everything else he has done for/to me whether he knows it or not..

Last night a lot of them went out to the bars.. since my license was expired i decided not to chance it and stayed back.. which was not a good idea.. down times brought out the thought tiems and i started cleaning like a madman to make it all stop.. People kept leaving to go cuddle down on the pier in the FREEZING.. or to bars or to wherever.. i felt like doing NOTHING..
Eventually people came back.. and the night culminated in the Big Ball war.. JP (from Birmingham, AL) and Trent and I vs. 6 or 7 on the other side of the room.. the rule was you had to bounce the ball on the floor before it hit or went to another person.. though i made my share of direct hits to peoples heads (NOT on purpose).... in the middle of it all.. the bar folk came back.. drifted upstairs or to bed... I played soccer with the tennis ball with my German friend again for a good long time.. was super tired.. went upstairs to check out the scene.. but it was boring so i went back downstairs and crashed, cuddled in a corner.. wishing for certain things that i knew wouldn't happen.. the hope still lingered..

Last day.. i woke at 6:30 with WAY too much energy.. helped the chef cook french toast and walked to the pier with him and made more breakfast.. jumped on peoples beds.. jumped IN some peoples beds (depending who they were and how badly i wanted them to wake up).. SLOW.. long morning..
At around 11 i went upstairs so we could all do one more Roman Round hit before we all split.. i think i got WAY too good of a hit because for the next 4 hours i was floating.. giggling.. feeling soo distant yet soo close.. lookin in the mirror and freaking out because i thought i had a lazy eye.. hearing people clap and feeling Trent hug me as he left and i kept my eyes closed feeling as though everyone was clapping for me.. wow.. it was a VERY VERY good feeling.. though i felt kinda bad because i felt VERY out of touch with reality..
slept the whole way back.. invited Harayz and Miguel in for cocoa and popcorn as i popped in my blacklight, cranked up the music and we chiled for a bit, recollecting memories of the weekend..
the weekind i can never
and willl never forget

SOO many new experiences.. new situations i had never been in before.. some were intimidating.. some were scary.. some were intriguing.. tempting.. fun.. intense.. delightful.. freeeing..

all in all
i am super glad i did it
and would LOVE to do something like this again.

Nor could i forget any of the people i shared the weekend with
ESPECIALLY
Nathan
Harayz
German Micheal (sp?)
Trent
Holly

thank you all again
and pictues will be up soon :)

"I just want some one to say to me

I'll always be there when you wake"

i need to "upgrade"

Annnnnd i let him do it again tonight.. 2nd chance.. we didn't go to the concert.. just sat around like old times.. munching on delicious cheese bread.. He still doesn't understand why I left him in the stands last night.. though i told him.. he doesn't understand how pissed i was: getting there over an hour late-taking the pills-using up my green-falling asleep during the concert HE got me interested in cuz its supposedly his favorite band..
He got a call at 9:15.. i could tell he was tired-he had almost fallen asleep a little earlier.. he kept talking (on the phone) about how he had to go to work tomorrow at 9.. talking about hanging out.. my tummy sank yet again
At least this time HE wasn't driving up there, his friend was driving down to HIM,.. so.. I ditched him yet again..
ANd the thing that pisses me off most about all of this...
when i leave.. he doesn't come after me..
doesn't even make a move.. though sometimes he "Whats wrong with YOU?"...

i guess that should tell me something.. as it has before..

As my new friend says, I need to "upgrade"