Best weekend ever.. but back to reality..

Okay...
This past weekend was the best ever~ full of bliss and wonder and drunken fun.. ha~:)
Emily and Erin and Justin came to visit.. Summer Camp reunion~ And on the last night we met up with more people from camp.
I got my 5th tattoo.. laughed till my tummy hurt... cheesy fries at Hannah Flannigans.. time much needed with my bestest friend, Emily who is wayyyyy too far away... made funny faces at the camera (I swear i thought i was smiling...)





Then.. once they all left, I crashed... HARD..
Reality set in again..
Reality that..
i still dont have a job that can support me financially
i still dont have anyone to stay with for my first 3 days in Seattle though i have contacted people... no one is really WANTING me...
i still am stuck here in Flat Rock.. beautiful house that i dont want to leave.. but know that I have to move on..
i still am terrified to move into another persons house (the "rooms available on Craigslist") because i dont want to shake their foundation.. because i dont want to invade their space.. because i am scared they wont like or accept me.. because i want to be able to host couch surfers and hear my music and hookah and eat my cooca and have my own space when i need it...
i still am terrified to move to Portlland or Seattle.. I WANT to go back there.. but its such a big move.. so expensive.. scared I wont find friends... scared that i will be disappointed..
i still am lonely... confused.. needing more than what i have right now..
i still am bigger than i'd like to be in all the wrong places..
i still havent bought tickets to Widespread Panic on Friday even though i promised i would almost a week ago..
i still need to renew my license (expires November 29th) but dont technically have an address here (I live on my landlords property.. so I dont have a mailbox really..) and I dont have the time to drive home to Augusta, GA to get one with the address at my parents house because of work...
I still have no plans for thanksgiving.. my parents are going off to New York to visit my little brother.. but since i have to work Monday.. they cant pick me up.. soooooo alone on Thansksgiving..
i still wake up in the middle of the night, look at the big emptiness in the bed and feel the emptiness in my heart...

On the other hand...
I found a space heater.. so now my bedroom is warm at night :)
I WAS able to have a fun time.. get some new pictures.. have some much needed fun..
I have lots of left over hard-A.. soooo.. anyone wanna come oveR?
I have a car that works with a wicked stereo system
I have pink in my hair (that is slowly fading to a reddish-orange... but still looks fun)
I got a call from Disney Cruise Lines (I emailed them about the position as a youth counselor on a whim the other day) and will be going to an interview in January
I havent had a drink the past two nights~ which is a big change from having something every night.. though it does make the feelings more raw..
I have been able to take the time to read.. old favorite pastime :)

That 1 Guy

This guy is STRAIGHT from Dr. Suess..
He created his Magic Pipe out of plumbers pipe..
7 feet tall! HomeMade!
each pipe has a unique sound.. its own string.. a different pitch
Smoke even billows out the top!
He was clasically trained as a upright bass player and used to frequent the jazz scene until he turned into
That 1 Guy


Mike Silverman... better known as That 1 Guy...

"ButtMachine"


"One"
This one..you can actually SEE him play his Magic Pipe.. AMAZING~

lala.. and BLOW

AND AND AND
Why is it
that every guy that pays attention to me.. that compliments me..
I want..
not necessarily want them in bed..
but want more of them
want them to want me more.. want them as mine.. want to spend more time with them...

I guess it is because i do miss that.. i am lonely.. and i want so badly to believe that someone wants me..


Blow is, literally, a mind blowing movie.. i had to catch my breath from shock quite a few times..
i thought i had seen it before.. but no..
i cried a couple times too..
hate how drugs can be some of the best times of your life.. but also can sink you to the lowest of the low.. break apart families.. break apart lives.. disintegrate dreams
but
wow
thats all i have to say...
and why is it that Amsterdam is the only place where pot is legal?

and now the songs.. (a few)

Ben Harper "In Your Eyes"


Great Big Sea "Fast As I can"
..so pretty.. so patient.. so true..
"
I'm goin fast as I can, please don't make me rush
This feeling's coming on way too fast
I'll tell you all of the things that you'll never forget
But I'm not ready say, "I love you" yet
I'm not ready to say "I love you" yet.

Don't push me in too deep,
I've always been the fool who rushes in.
I know, You've got to take the pieces one-by-one
For you've got everything.
So forgive me if we take time.
But there's something thats been on my mind."


my favorite EVER..
.. i dream of being serenaded to this song..

Edwin McCain "I'll Be" (Acoustic Version)
..EVERY word.. EVERY moment in that song.. is just sooo beautiful.. Someday i will have that..

"Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life"

"Love"...

Love
What is it really?
An idea? A feeling? A sensation? An event?

I thought i felt it once.. but he denied its authenticity. How could you leave someone behind if you really did love them?
Truth is, I got scared..
I am NOT ready to settle down. I am not ready to be with one person all my life. I feel as though I haven't lived yet.
I dont want to tie him down and I don't want to be tied down. Not at this point in my life.
I still want to travel. I still want to explore. I still need to follow my dreams. I still need to figure out what I want from life and who I am.
And I do not want to have to drag someone along with me.
"Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever." - unknown
Because even though i don't LOVE him, I still think about him every day. I still worry about him every day. I still wonder what would have happened if i didn't leave.
Because.. really.. i thought part of love was wanting the best for the other person.. and I didn't want him to end up hurt.. or feeling left behind while I am on this journey.

I am not that experienced.. I never had any boyfriend or anything similar until this January quite soon after my brother died. I still dont know much about relationships.. or how I deal with them.. what fits with me.. what I need from other people.. what I tend to do when I get scared in relationships.. what i tend to do when i fall for them..
Im still learning about me.
Im still exploring other people. wanting to experience all degrees of love and intimacy...

Yet I miss a LOT of things.. being alone out here..
I don't need a whole lot. I am not high maintenance.
I suppose I am needy in that I do need to be touched. I do need attention. I do need to be appreciated and acknowledged.
I need that hug from behind.. being safe in someone else's arms.
I need to be able to laugh.
I need to be able to go to sleep and know that in the morning they will still be there.
I need to know that they will pick up the tab sometimes. That even though I will buy them random stuff to make them smile.. figure out their favorite treats and foods and animals and sprinkle their life with little surprises, that they will still remember me.
They will at least occasionally remember me in their lives.. let me know they remember me.. by randomly calling, texting, bringing back a story or treat that made them think of me...
I need spontaneity and fun.. same ol' same ol' bore me and push me away.
If you do flirt or talk with other pretty girls (which is any other girl than me) come back to me after and let me know its still me you want... touch my hand, hug me, quick kiss, anything to show me im yours, not her. because I do get scared that others will take you
I need the physical intimacy as well.. I need not go into details..
I don't need chocolates ... I dont need flowers... I dont need diamond and jewelry.... I am NOT that kind of girl...
I just need to know that I am yours.. that you want me.. that you need me..
I just need to be constantly stimulated with excitement, unusual, fun.. I am a gemini.. i get bored easy and its not that I WANT to get bored with you. its just that I get easily distracted...
I need you to push me.. I give up easy. give in easy.. get scared.. I need to know that you care enough to take my hand (not necessarily literally) and guide me, lead me... be there for me in case i fall on my face
I need to learn from you... sometimes you don't even need to do anything.... but I want to grow and learn.. about life.. about me.. about you.. about the world.. about anything..
I need a song.. think of a song that reminds you of me.. or of our relationship... thats one way for me to think about you a lot.. I LIVE for music and every time that song comes on I am swallowed up with the memories and emotions and the essence of YOU..

Love is a lot about vulnerability.. putting yourself out there.. letting go of many things.. taking the chance.. letting down your guard..leaving your comfort zone.. sliding into their reality, their world, their thoughts-or at least meet halfway.. allowing a side of you to show that you dont normally show.. letting the other person into your world.. into your body.. THAT is a scary thing for me.. but i am willing.. sometimes all too willing..

I do hate being alone.. It is not fun.. it makes me feel empty...
And I have this problem... Whenever I meet a new guy, I always weigh the possibilities.. get swept away in my thoughts and hopes.. deny reality (as usual)... and hope for the best..
That is my problem.. I deny reality. I live in my dreams. I live in my hopes. I want SOO badly to believe that I deny what is so blatant and in my face..
Like... I wanted to have something SO badly a bit ago, I let myself fall for someone who didn't want ME. he just wanted "someone". He wanted to play. I suppose I didn't mind the playing, but I don't think I am all that good at playing without getting feelings involved.
I fall hard fast. I get swept away in the euphoria that someone, SOMEONE, is paying attention to me
I trust everyone too easy and end up getting hurt even worse than if I would have kept to myself.. or maybe the experience was worth it.. the only problem is i DONT LEARN from those situations and they continue again and again.

Im just blabbering now..
I couldn't sleep because I had this thought bubble and it was marinating and bouncing in my mind and I had to let it go.. and this is it..
I just wish i could be more eloquent.. though it is 3:45 in the morning and im only half awake..

I just am wanting more from life right now than what it seems to be offering.. which is why im moving to Asheville.. hopefully i will find something or someone there..

I will leave you with a request...
What do you think is the most romantic song? the sweetest song? the song that moves you?
I am curious.. I will get back to you with mine..

im going to be okay..(AND SONG FOR THE MOMENT)

im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay.
I am going to find a place to stay
I am going to get rid of (and over) him
I am going to make new friends
I am going to GET OUT and LIVE
I am going to get a job
im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. im going to be okay. Im going to be okay. Im going to be okay.
It is weird though.. I wake up sometimes and expect someone to be next to me.. but nope. its always empty. SUCH a deeply lost lonley feeling.. it hits me hard.. reality i suppose. So alone.
big
empty
bed
so i roll over, get myself together and turn the music up louder to drown it all out

I know i can do this..
its not really that people dont like me.. one of my friends, Nick, who is learning to blow glass, he made me a big glass bead with a pretty flower in the middle, made it into a necklace and gave it to me.. the other guy last night was flirty, though i think it was the beer talking.. the 2 guys i met on the street, Brandon and Jonathan, I still keep contact with, they still come over, they still ask to come over more.. my couchsurfing friends-i keep trying to make plans to go out and meet them..


Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Tell Me Baby:
(Song for the moment...).. LOVE the chorus.. "tell me baby~Whats your story~where come from and where you wanna go\ this time round"... mmm LOVIN it~ !

so
its not that people dont like me
its just that i am scared.. i guess scared to get close to people.. i dont want my world rocked like that again.. it hurts so much, but i need it so bad..
I need to get over the fear of falling before i can soar

Oh..
and tonight is the first night that i can remember that i didnt drink..
it is strange.. i was thinking about it today...
i cant remember the last time i didnt have either a glass or wine (or half a bottle) or pour a little pineapple rum/peach vodka in my diet mt dew...
NOT a good sign..
i dont want to be addicted or dependent.. It is just such a freeing sensation..
i also have the growing urge.. yearning...need for the lovely pakalolo.. :/

Thirsty Monk~

Ummm;/..... yea
had some fun tonight.. MADE myself go out (with additional help and prompting-thank you Trent)
rather crazy drive there... mixed some pineapple rum in with my can of diet Mt Dew.. and then had 2 puffs.. i was FREAKING out in the drivers seat.. it all felt like some surreal video game.. and the lights messed with my head.. twinkling and streaking around in front of me..
Zack took over.. thank goodness...
We went to sushi.. i stared at the twinkling stars on the ceiling the whole time.. transfixed by their magic hold on me.. and ate a bag of KettleKorn i bought for 75cents at Mast General store while Zack ate oysters and steak and Heather had some tofu and noodle concoction.. and i ate the popcorn with chopsticks.. and then put them in my hair for some added flair (not that i needed much more)
THEN
to Thirsty Monk... walking down the ramp to the downstairs.. it feels like you are descending into a dungeon with the rocky stone walls and steep stairs.. and it got darker and darker as you went further.. QUITE the variety of beers.. availability changes quite often so theres often a new menu out.. with descriptions of the taste and the alcohol content ,,
now..
i HATE beer.. icky.. but i tested out others.. and cringed EVERY time.. nope not for me..
we ended up playing with Play dough, building castles out of various empty glasses around the table and the coasters they so politely left at our table (we didnt use them for their correct purpose..) etc. etc.

I wanted SO badly this.. i NEEDEd so badly this..
to be with people.. to chill.. to be talked to.. to not be ignored..

now im hungry..