Well.
Here i am
Back at the beach
Feeling all the clothes on me.. and how they fit much closer to my body than they used to.
I cried about it
to him
and he said, "Well, DO something about it!"
I cried more
I HAVE been.. in terms of not eating.. sneaking in exercise moves here ant there..
but this morning
I said
I aM GOING TO DO IT
and i did it
i went for a run
well
walkrun..
I made sure not to walk more than a minute... and then ran/jogged for atleast 2 minutes.. or more.. and then walked a little.. over nad over..
AND I DID IT
I was so proud.
:)
Slowylly
one step forward two steps backwards..
Saturday night we had to take his grandpa to Fayetteville for osme holiday party.. LOTS of people.. LOTS of food.. me not knowing anyone except JP who was too far gone for me to interact with much anyway because his mind wa set on ONE THING.. getting some stuff..
so
yea
i ate a lot of chips (JUST the crumbs though.. ) and some of those white chocoalte homemade haystacks. a
and shrimp

but
starting today
with the run
im going to continue this.
Its not going to be perfect
its going to take time
But
I suuure do have a lot of that to spare...

MMmm
Yesterday was my last day... We went to the Big Italian church service.. then the lowering of the grave.. then back to the house..
Where my biggest love-hate relationship lasted all day...
Food.. Food.. Food.. A huge plate of fruit.. some cheeses and meats... pita bread.. and flat crispy cracker/bread.. and cookies.
I had no trouble eating that fruit.. I was hungry.....
so fruit fruit fruit plus lots of the flat cracker bread.. and 2.5 glasses of wine..
and I wanted so bad to be there with the adults.. to be part.. to be able to take part.. and space off at the same time..
but yeah.. I was foreced into the living room with Sofia for most of the time.. though we did have frequent visitors from relatives coming to say hello or play with Sofia for a brief minute or two until she got shy and hid under my dress...
Then came evening where it was just the family plus 2 other ladies..
with a tin full of peppermint bark
so i ate quite a bit of that too
but i feel so big today
so big.. and every mirror all day today and yesterday
WHY
WhY do i look in the mirror and only see my big arms.. my big this Fat that.. plump this..
why cant i see the good?

....Mature People Truths...
100% thumbs up on prettty prettty prettty much all of them, ESPECIALLY..
5. How ARE you supposed to make that folded thing look neat...?
6. seriously.. never used it.. never want to.. never will..
12. Already gave up on trying to collect anything of the sort.. thats what Netflix is for :)
13. yes yes yes...
16. waste of make up-time-effort-my only good outfit...
21. All Dogs Go To Heaven.. still cant understand why THAT was my favorite..
22. Yep-guilty every time.. would that be laziness or being strong?
24. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger...
26.. complete strangers coming together.. pure lovely
31. "Wait.. What..?"

Cranky... after staying up past 4:30 to educate myself on this newwww thing.. this newww documentary..
Waiting for Superman..

Amazing.. I WANT to/need to see it

right now i am CRANKY. and sleepy and hungry and refusing to acknowledge it.. For one thing, I can't sleep, nor lay nor rest for I have this 5 year old to care for.. Eating? I like how the hunger envelopes me... I DID eat.. carrots, blueberries, and a handful of crunchy pita chips.. and stole a sip of chocolate milk from Sofia and a CAndy cane..
and my tummy is eating itself... in a not so pleasant way... and my eyes are tired of being open.. and my mind is tired o thinking..

I just want to sleep it all off..
make it all go away.

Ooohhhhh..
I want that
so bad
That would be sooo much fun
I always take the stairs anyway
but
wow..
i wouldn't get off of them if they made music...

Okay.. just "Stumbled Upon" the most interesting article..

Harriet Brown takes on Anorexia in Brave Girl Eating

Its pretty much the same old stuff every other book and article has on Anorexia..
but there were some things that stuck out for me.. that Is IMPORTANT for others to understand...

"..It’s not a refusal—that’s what I have seen. It’s an inability to eat. The example I give parents when they’re having trouble understanding this disease is: When my daughter would sit down to a plate of food, it was like for me jumping out of an airplane. It’s terrifying. Sufferers are in a grip of compulsion and fears that are so, so huge. I do think that we have trouble understanding that, and I’m not sure why, but I hope that it is changing"...
Honestly.. that is how it feels.. I see that bagel with cream cheese.. or big plate of nachos.. and I WANT IT .. i am drooling.. my stomach is grumbling for it.. but the FEAR the sheer TERROR.. of what? the food? not necessarily...

"...There is an assumption that fat kids are not healthy and thin kids are. I think there is a big risk of triggering eating disorders when you are emphasizing weight so heavily, and for some of those kids this is going to be the thing that triggers them into a lifetime of unhealthy eating in a different way. We come in all different shapes and sizes. Not everyone is going to be a size zero even if they are eating healthy, exercising, and are happy—that’s just not the way we work...."

And from another article...

“...I was never really proud of being anorexic,” says Emily, “but one of the sickest parts of the disorder is that you do get a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from depriving yourself. To eat is to fail, and to starve is to succeed...”
...and im failing....

So..
My new favorite thing is this StumbleUpon thing.
My friend told me about it and now... All i do is press the stumble button and it gives me the most wondrous assortment of websites to browse.. to smile about..
I found some great QUOTES...

You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety – Abraham H Maslow

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. – Winston Churchill

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. – Charlie Brown

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

Today Sofia and I were playing memory, as usual... They are cards that have the alphabet.. each one has a letter and to get a match or pair you need the upper and lower case of the same letter. I LOVE those cards!! There is SOO Much to learn through them!!
We talked about vowels.. and how her name has 3 in it.. and I wrote a letter to Santa... just for fun..

Dear Santa
Please bring me chocolate. I love you a lot.

And she took the paper from me and started circling letters.. I was confused at first and then realized she was circling the vowels! I never even asked her.. and well over an hour had passed since we had last talked about it.

Tomorrow is my LAST DAY in the 2nd grade classroom!! :( I am so sad!! I have grown to love those children... even after the FIRST day!! I left a little early today so that I could try to find some treat for them.. Candy Canes? No... candy canes are everywhere.,. chocolate? mmmm....
I chose a big bag of Smarties.. No matter if they don't LIKE them or not, but the kids are SMART and SMARTIES will help them learn to be SMARTer.. because they are the SMARTest 2nd graders I know.. yea..
and then for the teachers I got a thing of LifeSavers.. because she literally saved my life by allowing me to help her in the classroom... Because of her I had a purpose.
Tomorros is the last regular day here. Get Sofia ready.. weave the traffic.. drop her off.. got to MY school.. stay as long as i can before I rush to pick Sofia up... back home.. plaqy play play.. make her dinner.. watch Wizards of Waverley Place.. be the DJ while she showers... have a popsicle.. Read to her.. lay with her til she falls asleep..
THEN
Wednesday is the funeral..
Thursday I fly home
Starting at 8:45 am.... arrive in Augusta at 11:38 pm.. LOOOONG day...
Friday I meet with my academic advisor so that I can sign up for classes... aND THEN FINALLY drive 5 hours to JP.
tehn... who knows...

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

Popcorn Flavors :)
personally.. none of those appeal to me...

BUT

ICE CREAM FLAVORS!!
getting closer...
well.. no none of those either

NOW

Next time i am in NEw York... with a person or three or ten, I will accept the challenge of the VOLCANO!!
i mean LOOK at taht!!
A volcano shaped shell of chocolate.. .break it open and WALLAA!! THERES THE ICE CREAM!!!
and spilling down the sides are white/dark/milk chocoalte pearls, gummi bears,





And wonderful uses for normal everyday items...

The Funeral is on wednesday
Do I go?
Should I go?
Is it disrespectful not to go?
I would like the experience I suppose.. It will be something to do
but
I WILL feel out of place
I WILL feel bored at times..
I WILL not know what to do a LOT of the time..
but Sofia wants me there


SO i went clothes shopping yesterday.. with Sofia and her mother... Craziness.. I couldnt try anything on really because I had to watch Sofia so her mother could look for things for Sofia and her..

SO
Today I went
on the adventure
to the malll...
overwhelming as usual...
the VERY FIRST dress I tried on.. I admit was a tad dressy..
but
ohh
ohh
i felt like I looked beautiful... and might i say.. hott??
But did I buy it? No
I DID put it on hold..
I went around..
everything else was too big.. too small.. too ugly.. didn't fit me right... too fluffy.. too this too that..
I did find one kinda blah thing that is versatile.. a V neck black shirt/dress that I can wear with any color tank top below and any kind of leggings.. boots..heeels.. etc. so It can work for MANY occasions..
PLUS a hat
Shopping and me don't go well
i talk myself out of everything
just like i talk myself out of DOING everything

But I am trying to convince myself that I need to take the time out of my life to go and BUY it.. because EVERY girl needs atleast something in their wardrobe that makes them feel like a princess...

Somday I will get over it
just as
someday
i will learn to feel pretty without the aid of a dress...

Am I ask awkward to others as I am to me?

Do I LOOK as out of place and awkward to others as I do to me?

soo....
trying on clothes for a funeral that I know NO ONE there except my aunt, uncle and cousin...
intimiating...
all of them are Italian.. rich... high up.. sophisticated.. formal..
absolutely the opposite of what i am..
Do i go?
Would it be rude not to go?
I asked my aunt/uncle this plenty of times
same response,
"its up to you"
that does not help..

Pros....
I have never experieinced an Italian Funeral
my first funeral
I will probably meet some cute italians
i will get to buy a new dress
Sofia wants me to
Claudia "considers me part of the family"
I feel obligated to.. out of respect...

Cons...
I have to buy new black clothes..
I will know no one
the ceremoney is in all italian
I dddn;t even meet the lady that did pass away
I dont speak/.understand Italian
I havent been to a funeral
I will feel out of place/uncomfortable.shy/selfaware
I will mis my last opportunity to with my 2nd grade classroom

hmm...whatdo i do..?

Does anyone read this anymore?
I dont think so.
I have been ranting and raving about the same thing over and over and over
and everyone gives me advice... saying it would PROBABLY be best to move on..
part of me kind of wants to.. engage in other pursuits.. see how they treat me.. how they make me feel.
but its so hard to rip myself from part of who i have been for the past 2 years.

I fly out Thursday. I am very excited. VERY excited...
Friday I meet with my academic advisor to convince him that I indeed CAN take 5 classes per semester one of them lasts the WHOLE semester and the other four are half semester (so 2 the first half, 2 the 2nd half)
I am a teachers pet. I LOVE to learn. I put my work first.
heck, I am even doing my own work now
I KNOW i can do it.

Then, Friday I drive to him...
time will tell
i will see for myself what I am getting into..
because going back on Thursday means that I DONT get to go to Seattle (Family) for christmas..
and he doesntknow if he is going to work on Christmas.. if he even really HAS a job...
I dont know why, but i feel like i am holding my breath about the future...


If someones reading this, let me know
give me a song
I want someone to dedicate a song to me '
I am asking for help
and thats not easy for me.

Back to an FML kinba day,, well ,, i guess it started off okay...



.Classic rock at heart, yet I do have another side called Alternative. My charateristics are rock and roll. Folk is when I have something to say; rap is when I have a lot to say. My happiness shines through pop. I laugh and think through country, I cry through the blues, I dance through hip hop, and I sing through opera. Ambient-- my nature, techno-- my craziness, R&B- my relaxation, emo-- Indie is my unheard of nature (and trust me, I am very often unheard). Punk is my rebellious self, which sprung through my deep dark secrets in heavy metal. Acoustic is when I am best heard (and best swooned, soft rock is when I am best known. My confusion and chaos is trance. And if people ever met me, they'd describe me as rhapsody. I can be best heard through my characteristics, acoustic rock; be rebellious from my characteristics, punk rock; and be natural because it's my characteristic, ambient rock.

.....

and i like cheese,,, tooo nuch

I am the music.

EXPERIMENTS!

I have a couple challenge for you all.. LET ME KNOW HOW YOU DO!!

Try nailing jello to the wall...

Toast/Grill a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron....

Fry an egg with pure energy and head from the sun.. either in a wok or a skillet or straight up on the sidewalk....

Put office supplies.. forks.. rubber duckies inside jello

Leave a pop tart on the dashboard of you car during a hot day.. when you come back after a long day of class or a day shopping, will it be nice and toasty for you?

Take a whole container of corn kernels, put it in a hot air popper and let it pop.. how much will pop? Can it fill your entire room?

Take a container of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and dump it out in a strainer.. let it drain.. and figure out how much cookie dough is actually in the ice cream... Try comparing the consistencies of different brands.. which one has the most cookie dough?

Find out exactly how much whipped cream is in one of those containers... is there a difference between the fat free/light container and the regular container.

Try chewing an entire package of chewing gum at once...

Send airmail.. tie a letter to a balloon.. let it go.. and see if you get a response from whoever finds it! .. similar to putting a message in a bottle in hopes of a response..

Take a box of Honey Bunches of OAts with Almonds and separate them into the different cereal bits.. (frosted flakeys, granola/oat clusters, corn flakeys, almonds, etc.) what are some ratios?

Same experiment as above with Lucky Charms... Are there more marshmallows or more of the other cerealy bits? Which marshmallow is there most of?


--> By the way I have tried many of these.. I recommend them... good tales to tell others... fun times to be had...

SOoooo
Ive been thinking
and thinking and thinking

But not hard..
likeeeeee dreamy thinking...

It is not so bad here.
I am making a difference in the life of this child. This little 5 year old.. for the month or so that I am here, the constant contact.. the pure love and want that is soo evident on her face.. When I need a break and say "I need to go upstairs to get something. I will be right back." ... and I head upstairs and I hear her footsteps hurrying behind me. Something inside me sags, i really went upstairs to get a breath of air.. and then i turn around to her little face as though I caught her doing something bad.. she freezes and I break.. Of course I will let her follow me. It's okay. Little things mean soooo much to her.
We were at the library today. Her eyes were wide with amazement and wonder. I loved it... watching her take it all in. I know she had been there before... but I could tell it hadn't been enough.
She was poking through books.. at 5 years old, sounding out and reading random pages in random books.. At one point I checked in with her and said I would b right back, I was trying to find a particular book for her, but I guess it did not register. A few moments later, I noticed an older lady looking around as if she were searching for someone in particular.. I thought it was a bit peculiar for some reason..had a feeling something was wrong.. it turns out Sofia did NOT realize I said I would be right back... had noticed that I was not there and had started crying. As soon as she saw me she ran and hid her face in my leg, hiding her tears..
Imagine.. being that little.. being sooo into a book.. soo intent and proud of the fact you can read.. looking up to show the one you love, your protector-only to find that she is NOT there.. that all you see is strangers meandering about.. and for one as overprotective as her, I can imagine it was traumatizing...
We got ten books... and the Christmas with the Chipmunks CD..
Its fun in the car with her... all the way to schoool... and back from school we sing (well I sing-horribly might i add) to anything that comes on the radio. and I dance. in my seat. because being silly is what makes her laugh. and i love her laugh. and I love knowing that I can have that impact on someone. and I DO NOT CARE what anyone in the cars nearby think. I am having a wonderful time with my cousin, showing her that its okay to be silly. That I AM ALIVE.
and i like that feeling.
and i will continue doing that.

Sometimes
I can sit here for hours
youtube-ing video after video... song after song... thinking.. dreaming.. wishing..
most importantly
not being HERE
but being somewhere out there...









and now
i feel like shit again
because i see the reflection

I need you to know I'm not through the night.. some days im still fighting to walk towards the light..

and how
HOW
do i ask for help if I dont know what needs fixed.

and i will never be able to look that way again
i used to be able to
I dont understand. I HONESTLY HAVENT BEEN EATING. a bite here.. the very very outside of an apple here. some carrots. grapes. but im still fking disgusting

the thing that is keeping me going now is i have a text buddy :) its like i do have a friend with me all the time. but i feel safe because he cant see me. so I know i won't be rejected.. that he wont find me repulsive.. and thats why we still text off and on and on throughout the day.

and my life is not horrible. i KNOW that. I have people that care.. I have a future.. I just have no one with me. I AM with family, yes. but I feel so unwelcome... so helpless. so awkward.. so out of place.. everywhere I go..

and i do wish
i doooo wish i could go to sleep
sleep until its all over
until I feel pretty again. until i can accept myself. until i can
STOP
THINKING SO MUCH

I did have a good day today.. for the most part.. .
we (my randparents and Sofia and I) went to the Childrens museum... and for the first time in a long time i was able to lose myself in the fun.,. playing with the different exhibits and with her... not care.. let loose..
and then I kept coming back to my self consciousness...
attempted to take some pictures of me.. to prove to myself that I am NOT ugly.. that i am NOT fat/big/awkward.. etc.
but
alas
none of them really turned out.. and my grandpa cant really take pictures anyway so the ones that he took ended up blurry.
Yet
i was proud
I never called JP .
only once when I first woke up.. and then just now when I got back.. at around 7. so 11 hours.
aNd of course.. i brought up the fact that I wanted to fly back to him
there was no way that I could fly out the 4th because my aunt/uncle need me to babysit that night at least. and so I wouldnt be able to fly in until Tuesday because my uncle is very busy Monday and needs me then as well and he started freaking out because he still wants me to fly in on the 4th..
and finally he said the one word i HATE,
"WhateveR"
and then I started crying because
as I tried to explain to him,
when he says "whatever,"
it makes me feel as though he is disregarding what I am saying.. that he is giving up on me.. kind of like a "what the F***" kinda thing.. exasperated
and i explained to him all of that
and that what I DID need from him is acknowledgment.. acceptance, anything BUT "(sigh)...whatever..(sigh)" because that MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SH*****

but
one more looong day
and then school starts
and the routine starts again
and I get to take her to school.. go to MY 2nd graders.. then pick her up.. play... feed her, bathe her, put her to sleep, etc.

which is not so bad,
but
i still need
crave
people my age.. talking.. communication..connection.. etc.
someday...

I am disgusting

Yea. Those 2 days in the classroom were absolutely wonderful!!
The teacher, she let me teach!! She let me grade papers!! I connected with the kids!! It was WONDERFUL!
and then I went to pick up the little one and she fell asleep on the way home
and then the loneliness came again
creeping ever so slowly
encroaching on every thought
deepening, wrapping its tentacles on every thought...
and then weekend came...

and Sunday I went to San Francisco to visit an old friend, who told me what everyone else has been telling me about JP. Pretty much to move on. To get out. To find someone new.
That is part of the reason why I AM out here.. to distance myself...
but I cant enjoy myself out here.
I dont know anyone.
only hte 5 year old girl and my aunt/uncle.
and now the classroom of 2nd graders... which do WONDERS for my soul.. but the goodness.. the happy.. the purity does not last long at all..

When I go to school in Augusta, I will be forced to stay in one place for at least a year... attending classes... getting a job...
Maybe then I will find someone who will show me the way...
Or atleast a friend.. a girl friend to have girls nights with.
Its been forever since I have been able to do something like that.. high school actually.. because college was littered and tainted with the eating disorder which disabled me from any sort of social interactions .

I have been texting a couple different people frequently lately.. one in New Orleans, one in Las Vegas,.. who are very supportive of me.. we keep talking about meeting up at one point..
but even if we did, would I be able to go thought with it? Would I chicken out?
Im NOT talking about sleeping/x or anything like that... simply GOING OUT or MEETING them.. SOOOO intimidating to me...
Even this friend on Sunday.... I was soo nervous..
I used to be so good with people..
now i get mini anxiety attacks
even going in the mall

I frequently send out little pleas for help via text.. asking for something to make me smile.. is that wrong? Is that bad?
Is that SAD?
Yes
I should be able to live my life.
I should be able to DO this.
I USED to
why can't I anymore?
mirrors are too much.

Today I broke down into tears atleast 14 times. I stopped counting. my eyes hurt but i still cant sleep.

Why can't I function anymore...

I am finally getting over the eating too much thing :)
Now I can feel that hunger in my tummy again
that comforting feeling
I do like it
i do
and its good that I am in NOT my own house and so far from the kitchen...
thats my new solution.
go to bed early
and
therefore
no more food for the night
and when I take her to school, take an apple and/or some carrots wiht me and dont go home until I take the girl home... and im too scared to eat anything in this house anymore because they make such a big deall when somethings missing or gone or messed with.
simple
or, as the little one says,
easy peasy lemon squeezy...

CONNECTION!!
After 3 days one teacher (out of 3 different schools) finaly emailed me! A 2nd grade teacher.
I am growing to love 2nd grade.
I got to hang out in the classroom today.. help out... read a book to them..
Its all wayy too fascinating to me. I LOVE it. Every classroom I step into only reinforces my curiosity.. my urge to teach.. the excitement for my own classroom someday..

JP got a job potential.. with OutWard Bound. Right up his alley... he would be doing outdoor/hiking/camping/kayaking semester programs with at risk students.... which would put him away. FAR away for at least a semester.. if not longer. I want soo bady to be happy for him.. to be encouraging.. but I want him near me.. and that job wil only take him further away.. and He SAID he was going to settle down.. Taking that job is not necessarily setting down.
My eyes literaly tear up at the THOUGHT of him being gone for so long... It has barey been 2 months since I left him this time and I struggle everyy day.

Why cant i find a friend? Why cant i go out on my own and make freinds by myself? Why dont I have confidence in myself? Why why whyyyyy cant I be okay with myself...

why cant someone just come and woo me and take me away from all of this.. show me what its supposed to be like..

Why does everything look soo awkward.. so disgusting on me..
never fails.

I can make a cd.. a soundtrack.. called "Sofia's hits"
the ones we listen to over and over and over and over
while shes in the shower.. while we are coloring.. while we are getting dressed...
I do love music..
and the music is quite catchy..


"Baby" Justin Beiber (babby babby babby OOHHH!!!!)
"Teenage Dream" Katy Perry
"California Girls" Katy Perry
"Tongihts gonna be a good night" Black Eyed Peas
"Soul Sister" Train
"Round and Round" Selena Gomez
""Break Your Heart" Taio Cruz

and im sure there are others... and will be others..
and im trying to turn her on to
Britney Spears... Beattles,... Micheal Jackson.. NSync.... Prince....
her dad hates those
and hes my dads brother
and he used to get me to do things that irritated my dad (in a HAHA way.. )
so im just getting back at him :)
=
We went to the zoo yesterday.. even though i think we only saw goats.. and went on a rollar coaster and a couple other rides and played on the playgrond.. and.... an hour lunch break
She told me she was going to find me a boyfreind.. I told her I already HAD one.. she said "but hes far far away. Hed never know. You must be lonely here. You need someone here."
kids say the darndest things.. (at 5 years old...)

Cali!
San Jose!
Thats where I am.
3 blocks from an In-And-Out burger.. supposedly the BEST BURGER EVER (by a vote of 2 or 3 people that I know quite well)
in a nice, beautiful house
living with a family.. relatives.. my dad's older brother, his Italian wife and their adopted Guatemalan 5 year old daughter.
They are a family of HIGH QUALITY
Shopping at Whole Foods, specialty stores for cheese, veggies, meat... and buy their wine from different wineries, including Peggy Flemming's winery (yes, she was an ice skater)
I get to wake up, get the little one breakfast and to school by 8:30. Then I pick her up from school at 2:40 and play play play until her mom gets home at 8 (though in that time frame I also have to get her a shower and dinner and snack..)
Not too bad.
Except it has NOT gone that way.
She got sick and so I have been home-bound since Tuesday.. and I am NOT good at being home-stuck.
And now I have come down with the sickness..

But she has been teaching me about all this new music.. how to "be cool"..
and so when she takes her shower, I play DJ and play Selena Gomez, hannah Montana, Justin Beiber and the like..
UNFORTUNATELY they are kinda catchy songs. so yes. I do sing along.

But my mind is still out of control in terms of body image/food issues..I am doing a LOT better when it comes to eating like crazy and now keep getting continualy frustrated by being stuck inside (nooo exercise, etc.) and everytime i look in the mirror my body grows or shrinks.. even when I look at myself, its different..
I did discover that the reason why my arms do look so "big" is because my arms have a lot of muscle! Go figure! I was flexing and moving my arm around and I felt it.. rock solid.. hmm..
I want to buy new clothes.. more variety, more funky, fun "Career" type clothes, but I just get so discouraged when I try clothes on,.. and when for some reason they DO look good.. I talk myself out of them or make up an excuse as to why it DOES look good for some reason...

I am still very excited to go back to school :) I want to be a teacher..
I am also very excited to go back home,, to JP.. I COULD book a ticket for the 4th.. before he is supposed to go down to Jacksonville to take his dad to some MAyo cLinic dow there.. which he may or may not back out of.. so JP does not want me to book a ticket for me to fly into Jacksonville... But I was thinking I was going to fly in the 11th, since it is the cheapest date to fly from here to there that I have found.. EVEN THOUGH it seems the majority of the nights i cry myself to sleep because despite the fact that I am with "family" (at both places) I still feel lonley and alienated from their family life.. which is to be expected, but it does not feel good in my heart./soul..

Stuck
is what I am
Stuck
in Buckley
basically, my schedule for today, next tuesday. wednesday and thursday is to get the kids up and ready for school.. walk them a block and a half to school.. and be there to walk them back home and hang around until their mother gets home (or dad.. whoever is first)
Which is fine and good and all
I adore the kids.
Its the down time
its the between time
its from 9am-3pm.
its the what do I do while the kids do homework and the parents do their own thing.
its the what do i do all day all alone with no car?

I walked an hour or more down the road and wandered aimlessly around WalMart and Fred Meyer... wasted from 9am-1pm..
and the emptiness
the being away from him.. from everything..
coming back to the house, unsatisfied with myself, my situation... feeling like I could do more (but what?)
and then stuffing my face with apple jacks from the cupboard.

and then getting angry at myself
and then vacuuming.. sweeping..
now i have nothing to do tomorrow...
the place is vacuumed, swept, dishes done, laundry done

I made dinner tonight.. Mac and Cheese.. and all three of the kids rejected it and either opted for the Easy Mac or a bowl of cereal..

And I dont mind walking walking walking all day..
i ust fear that the forecast predicts rain for the ENTIRE NEXT WEEK.
i guess that is what umbrellas are for.

Ok
so
heres the deal
I am leaving tomorrow for Buckley, WA to help out my aunt with her kids until November 6th. I fear that there will be a LOT of downtime.. and I am not good at that...
Then November 6th I am headed to San Jose to help out my uncle with HIS kid. I am hoping to be there long enough to pick up a job...
Starting in January I am (hopefully) starting the MAT (Master's of Arts in Teaching) here in Augusta at Augusta State University. It all happened so fast... I talked with the lady next door who is a teacher in that program.. I got interested.. Excited at being able to get a Master's degree in a year and a half to 2 years.. but terrified at being in one place.. especially with my parents..
JP is at home.. at his place.. going out of his mind with boredom.. trying to apply to anything and everything but there really is nothing in Sunset Beach, NC.
In fact, he called me tonight saying he was trying to sell his kayak.. his most treasured item.. in order to "get the h** out of here to someplace where there is something for me"
Of course, I freaked out a bit..
the reason why .. well A BIG part of the reason why I applied to this MAT program is because it is close to him.. But if he goes off somewhere.. Im stuck here in Augusta all alone.
It sucks that my parents moved here after I graduated so I know NO ONe.. I will meet people in school..
but it will be the same as when I was away from him in Hendersonville.. there will still be that emptiness in me.. that part that he usually fills..
And I am terrified
of school.. of the commitment.. the work.. the responsibility.. and then of becoming a licensed teacher.. thats a lot of responsibility as well.. so many rules.. so much preparation..
But I know I can do it
I am just terrified
I hate how everything is so up in the air. How I am going to be leaving at a time that JP is so frustrated with life.. how I cannot be there for him.. how we cannot be together.. how I fear that empty feeling inside of me that is bound to grow,..
But I must go to sleep now because the plane tomorrow is too early for me to be awake too late..

So.
This dude I have been babysitting for... the first couple days i worked for him he had no money to pay me.. the day i didnt work for him he finally got some money.. Today i worked for him again and at first he didnt have any money, but he was selling something to a friend and gave me the money instead, still he shorted me 10 but offered to let me use his food stamps card for some food.
I declined.
Later on, I asked him if he needed me tomorrow... and if he did, would he be able to pay me,.. Because I cannot work for nothing and I told him that.
He then freaked out on me.. sending me a text message 5 or so pages long about how my attitude pissed him off.. how he had been so nice to me. offering his food stamps card... paying me as he should..
And All i was doing was saying that I could not work for free... if he could not pay me I wasn;t going to do it because i cannot afford to work for free... I appreciate the help he had given me, even though it wasn't a lot of money.. and I appreciate the offer for the food stamps card, but i would feel bad using his food stamp card...
I was not trying to be rude..
I was just asking..
I felt bad
for his kids.. for him.. but he pretty much told me to F*** off and that he didn't want ot see me again and de-friended me on Facebook (ha!)
In my eyes, his reaction was a little childish.. overreacting.. but i still feel bad.. I didnt mean to make him upset...

$4/hour for the single dad
i am doing good for him
beause he can barely afford for him and his 2 daughters
but
at the same time
it is not helping me at all
because $4/hour for about 5-6 hours a day.. about 4-5 days a week
means i barely break even
but
I love his little girls.
I do
thats why i do it
I will miss them

So
Im still pissed off
I get way too worked up about food.. about my body.. about what I ate (or didnt eat)
when really
I am NOT big.
I may not be "small"
but
i m most certainly NOT big.
I KNOW that
I REALIZE that
but
I still let stupid things ruin my day.

Anyway
I am still stressed out about what to do with my life.
I am pretty sure I am staying here October 15 or 17 or something.. and then drive up to sunset Beach (JP;s parents)
It frustrates me and makes me sad that we have to leave before our months rent is up.,. but its gotta happen
and then I will stay a night or two with him
and hten drive over to Augusta.. fly out on the 20th.
While I am at home, I will decide whether or not I will pack for San Jose or to come back home after I am in Seattle.
I am going to babysit for my aunt (well.. her kids) for about a week or so .. walk her kids to school.. play with them on one of the days her kids have off school.. and a lot of free time during the dAy day...
and from there.. I am not sure what I am going to do..
I COULD go to San Jose to nanny for my uncle and his daughter for however long it needs to be until i can get on my feet again. From there I could stay for a LONG time.. or I could go down to Naples and meet with JP and find a job down there... or find a job in San Jose and stil nanny in between my job...
OR
I could chance it and go back to Hendersonville and see if WCCA Head Start will hire me again..
Granted.. I was not that happy when i was there last time, but at least this time i know what i am getting into.. wont have THAT high of expectations.. and know that i would rather live in Asheville than in Hendersonville..

why is life so complicated.
there are too many options.. too many opportunities out there.. how do i know whats right? i dont want to jump into something and then a week or two later realize i made a mistake..

why do i have to think so much
why cant i just take life as it comes
let it be

I keep swinging back and forth between being discouraged that i dont have a job... and no prospects..
to telling myself to enjoy what i have while i have it
I mean.. not many people are able to live in Florida.. on the beach!
but I cant keep it up if i dont have any money coming in
but then again i only got here Thursday.. started applying to places Thursday..
and Friday
and now it the weekend
so there is still hope i guess...
its just the more time stretches on, the more frustrated i get. until i remind myself of reality... its the weekend.. no one is going to hire or even look at their email on the weekend.. weekend is for play.. so ENJOY MYSELF..

I just want confirmation that we will have money coming in.. the promise ofsuch thing.. so that I can buy some actual food rather than live off ramen noodles and our dwindling coupons for free slurpees from 7-11

our time will come

HELLO!
HELLO!
HELLO!
HEre i am again!
In Florida.
Singer Island, actually! Just steps from the beach
I love it
i really do
its 700 per month.. its month to month lease.. which is good because neither of us have a job right now.. nor do we really have any prospects.
I set up an account on care.com to be a nanny.. in case nothing else works.
I would LOVE to be a nanny actually.
But also I would love to be a preschool teacher.. or work at the Zoo.. or the Children's Museum.. or a Wildlife Sanctuary type thing.
Time will tell
I was so excited about getting this place... it allows pets.
and I have been craving a kitty for sooo long (not to eat of course.. but to play with)
Pet therapy.
something to love and cuddle with and to spend money on because you need to feed it.. toys to play with it.. and all that other jazz.. which i am prepared for... once I get a job

I have done so much all my life for so many people. out of the goodness of my heart. trusting people. believing in people. telling myself that they REALLY ARE good people.. despite what other people say.. and i get manipulated.. stepped on.. etc.
Karma never seems to come back my way.

And so many people are offering me places.. opportunities..
my aunt in the Seattle area.. shes a cop now! :) She used to do so much for me when I was younger! I do wish that I could spend more time with her, because the last time i was at her place some complications ensued and I fear she got the wrong image of me.
and up in Hendersonville I still have Carina waiting.. I would sooooo love to move back.. be HER nanny... and still wish beyond wishes that i had the funds and the confidence in myself (and the economy) to buy the business from her...

but yes
here i am
in our little apartment
on the beach
pouring rain and windy as crazy outside.. but walking out on the balcony it still quite warm outside.. the rain and the wind is warming.
less than $100 in my bank account.. but at least we dont have to pay rent for the rest of the month.. and we have some ramen noodles and half a box of Capn Crunch.. and each other
and even if we dont find a job, at least we got to live on the beach in Florida!
We will just move home.. or I will go to Jody or Carina
but he DOES 100% have a job come December on the other side of Florida.. int he Everglades... so once mid November comes we might move over to the other side and share a house.. the two of us and his co-worker.. which will allow us to have a slight upgrade in quality and less pricey because it will be between 3 people (or 4 depending on if he has his girlfriend with him or not)
time will tell
i need to go do some painting (art therapy)
:)

Well.. No one showed.. no one called...
except sunday morning to tell me that the girl that was supposed to be there at 4:30 n the morning was late and tehy needed me t o come in RIGHT AWAY (it was 5:45)
so i did.
And moneys going down
and motivations still lagging ... as are the smiles..
and june 21st cant come soon enough.. more work!! Summer camp@!! kids!! activities!! singing field trips!!
and more money
because
literally
i am lowest i have ever been
and it makes me irritable
and the prozac needs to start kicking in because i want to feel it again
it.. meaning.. happy? motivated? less of that.. more of that? i dont know
but i did get NetFlix from my parents':)
And and
and
and
he got me paints :) and a big sketchbook for painting in.. and a new nice pencil.. and oooooo
I have been painting every day.
sometimes we do collaboration paintings..
painting is such a release for me
the best thing he could have gotten for me
i love i love i love it
and i always always seem to get it all over me as well.
:)_
So i am a colorful little thing
little?
no
not little
therpaists.. i had to visit mine today.. i can always tell when he is right about someting .. i get pissed off.. annoyed.. not wanting to admit it
so i clamb up and look away..
F** YOU! ITS NOT TRUE!
but realy it is
:(
truth hurts

i need a book, he says..
"When I say no i feel guilty: by Manuel Smith.
so he says.
i cant track it down at a used ook store so i have to amazon it i suppose.

Birthdays suck
well
lonely ones do
he left yesterday because he had to go on a kayak tour for the weekend.
he is soo good to me now.. really the only thing i have
yes i have people here at work that care...
I wanted to go out and get a drink or five.. forget everything..
I started seeing a therapist last week.. got prescribed porzac yesterday..
obviously it hasn't kicked in yet
well..considering how i took my first dosage yesterday

so i went to the bar.. had a drink..
money situations looking grim so i only had one.. I could have put it on my tab because the lady that owns the bar also owns where I work.. and she cares a lot about me.. I guess..
but i stayed at one
i am bad at asking for help
i had my phone with me.
i could have called anyone that i work with and they would ahve done everything in their power to come out with me
so its really my fault
i knew no one at the bar..
i sat there .. made small chat with some random dude that was there since 4pm..
he tired to invite me back to his boat to have a bbq.. but i refused (obviously)
went home
sad
alone
no call from him.. he sometimes doesnt get service.. so i left him 3 or so messages..
put on a movie and fell asleep within fifteen minutes
and woke up at 7.. not wanting to face the day at all.. but i came to work
and as soon as i walked in the door i was met with "How was your birthday!?!?!"
I couldnt utter a word and went straight to the bathroom to compose myself..
they felt bad
i could tell
they say tehy want a re-try tonight
i guess we shall see

it reminds me of that quote
which so fits me these days..
"People are lonely because they build walls, not bridges"
by John Fort Newton

and i do
i keep people out
because lonely is what im used to .. much more safe and comfortable than putting myself out there..

Hmmm..

Its 2 weeks to my birthday.
Weird..
Does not feel anywhere near summer.. atleast not today.. and not emotionally..
but I am tracking down a therapist to help talk things out.. its been wayyyy too long since i have had a good chat with a neutral person..
I keep having dreams about going back to the treatment center.. and how calming.. relieving.. releasing it is.. the pressure is off. . I HAVE to eat.. I have people to talk to all the time.. all kinds of moral support.. emotional support.. art therapy. .
He leaves tomorrow for his first multi day trip.. I am not too excited to be left alone for the weekend.. at least I have work for the next days to keep me busy,..
We have been watching LOST.. 1st season down.. and in the process of tracking down the 2nd season.,. I like Charlie. LOVE him.. and John Locke.. I have been drawn into the island .. i never thought i would.. but wow..
it really is beautiful here. surrounded by waters.. the rocky, barnacly beaches.. sprinkled with crabs.. the dark, dank forests.. the ground and trees wearing a coat of soft green moss.. all the boats in the harbor.. the smell o the waters..
but prices here.. wow.. im being wiped out just buying groceries.. it does not help that i am only working 3 days a week so far.. but June 21st the summer camp starts to keep me busy.
until then, I had this plan that i dreamt up this morning.. to send out my resume to MANY places in hopes SOMEONE needs help for a month.. but as i walked in the door to Chuch Hill today I got offered to cover for one of the girls.. She also gave me a bag of new clothes... so I will test them out tonight.. who knows.. maybe something will look good on me!!
Rachel.. my bestst friend from back in the day sent me a package the other day loaded with love, smiles and Sponge Bob towels :) MADE MY WEEK!! !They are the kind you put into water and they grow.. I am doing them one per day.. to spread out the fun.. . I miss her.. too mcuh.

heyyyyyyyy

things have been slow
slow
slow
I finally did get to work!! 3 days in a row! But still.. very slow at work too..
I LOVED when customers came in! I was even overjoyed to make a coffee/espresso drink fro them when usually i hateeee it
most of the days there were no customers and i ended up wiping down shelves over and over and organizing and washing windows and sweeping and moping and eating jelly beans nonstop

it WAS very chilly.. cold.. and still is at night and in the morning hours... but atleast the past couple days its been nice and sunny and beautiful during the majority of the day
:)
we did some hiking..

and i know things are going to heat up soon.. in terms of busyness...
I only work Saturday, Sunday Monday from 10 til close or so.. and then 4 days off.
We did go kayaking once so far.. he had one 3 hour trip that i got to accompany him on :)
LOVE it!
soon.. more cusomters will come.. it will be busy-er.. and starting June 21st , i will start the summer camp during the week and then Churchhill on the weekends..
soon.. sooon..

So after spending two days in Wenatchee with my grandparents.. helping around the house and the yard.. seeding, moving huge rocks, digging trenches, whatnot
and I attempted to bakea batch of cookies with all of their supplemental stuff (splenda, egg beaters, skim milk, no vanilla extract, barely enough baking soda...)
each batch of my cookies were different consistancies...
they TASTED amazing still
but was frustrated

and stupid mirror issues after feeeling sooo free and small
and i think a lot of it has to do with traveling.. sitting sitting sitting... eating big dinnner after snacking on little things all day.. and then him not wanting to do anything really..
like
we are in seattle now
we got here around noon. parked the car in front of my uncles place.. took the bus to Pike Place Market, split some really yummy Russian bakery flakey croissant type thing with cheese, eggs and spinich in the middle
and then to Beeches (i think). some cheese place that sells cheese curds and what not and split a crab/cheese/something else toasted sandwich..
and then wehn i offereed to go to the Experience Music Project.. wander down the International District and pretrend like we are in China... wander Capital Hill which is supposedly the "hip/freak/hippie/gay" type people place..
and he seemed jazzed about NOTHING
so we took the bus back..
and laid around until dinner...
came back
and my Uncle went out!! but he is "too tired"/// "too pooped".. etc etc

soooooo
im stuck here
doing nothing
blah
and i cant get ahold of the poeple that i dO know around here to meet up with them at one point..
no one is answering my plea.

Balancing Rock..


Balancing Rock.. it was shortly after this picture that JPs seizure happened...


pretty :)


Yeah.. I am nottttt good with picutres...


JP "arching at the Arches"

ha!
America is loong...
loong loong
we drove from mid Kansas all the way to Moab, UT and were EXHAUSTED...
we arrived after driving downa BEAUTIFUL scenic route to find that all the hotel rooms in Moab were booked due to an Antique Car show..
after checking 8 different hotels we found one for $115 which was hard to grasp since we were used to paying 40-60 for a room..
We refreshed in the hot tub.. chatted with some fellow travelers and then decided to drive down Main Street to check out the car show
it turns out that the cars just cruise up and down the Main drag while people crowd the sidewalks, cheering on and taking pictures and shouting..
wow..
I saw rick shaws.. all kinds of funky looking cars that I have no idea what they are (sorry).. a bicycle whose seat was raised nearly 10 feet in the air.. a bicycle that had a motor attatched..
AND
watched in awe as a truck drove STRAIGHT into the main doors of a gas station (we were at a stoplight in the car so couldnt gawk long)

After a sleepless night we headed out to Arches National Park geared up for a day of rock climbing.. the rock climbing shop was closed so we couldnt buy a book to help us find paths so we decided to find some on our own..
we founda few potentials but i kept pushing us on saying we could always come back..
And we got about an hour into roaming the magnificent red rocky sculpture like landscape when JP had a seizure
RIGHT in the middle of the parking lot
with a car RIGHT in front (that was about to turn into a parking spot anyway)
I was unlocking the car and looked up and all of a sudden i didnt see him anymore...
I realized what happened and flipped out (like last time--but this time i knew NOT to call 911 and to just wait it out and make sure he didnt hurt himself)
but wow did he draw a crowd..
this is the 2nd time this has happened.. and last time it was on our way out to Washington at about the same time EXAcTLY a year ago.. in the parking lot of the Grand Ol Opry...
after nearly 2 minutes of his convulsions I was able to help him into the car (while about 12 poeple stood and stared)

needless to say
we did not climb
we did not really get to enjoy our time there.. and he spent the rest of the day sleeping in the hotel room.

oh well.

we are now somewhere near the border between ORegon and Washington.. heading up to visit my grandparents for a night or two in Wenatchee, WA.. perhaps do some jet skiing (HOPE HOPE!!) and munching on some fresh fruit from the hundreds of acres of orchards in the area (except not much is in season)

and then on to Seattle to stay with my Uncle Karl :)
Its always fun with him.. hes always been my Cool Uncle and have had that whole Uncle Crush on him wishing i could find someone like him

and then up to Anacortes to take the ferry through the waters to our final desination..
Friday Harbor, WA
Where my friends at Churchill Coffee will be waiting with tootsie roll pops :)

3 days into it and im exhausted.. we decided to take I-70 across... through Kansas... Colorado.. and then Utah.. and then up 84
The first day was hard... Sunset Beach to Boone, NC. where him and his best friend got into a HUGE argument and we almost took a hotel room. but i convinced him to go back.. which may or may not have been a good idea... depending on who you ask. but it was a free nights stay... and i do like them a LOT which is why i was sooo upset when they got in the argument.. I love that couple and the girlfriend and i had a much needed talk..

The next day I drove the entire day.. uneventful.. frustrating..

Today is better.. we took turns more..714 miles in one day is a LOT.. much too much.,,

and ive been craving chocolate.. ice cream.. sweets.. and i also have been trying to STOP eating that stuff.. because if i DID eliminate sugary things.. even starting with gummies.. I have a LOT of sugar in my diet i suppose.. i KNOW.. but its all i CRAVE.. especially when i am trying to ween myself off of it

now we are watching a Breaking Bad marathon.. its our show.. its a good show.. a VERY good.. intriguing.. intense..

and im ready to stop driving.
hopefully tomorrow we will be camping in Utah... hopefully make it to Moab, Utah.. we shall see

Hes off everything now.. and we are having a good time again.. hesitantly positive,,

And as always..
things go as they go

I get upset and sad because he said something that he didnt think would hurt me.. but did.. so i try not to cry.. he sees that i am "crying" and gets mad at me for crying.. "Why the F* are you crying?" and sometimes i am able to get away with it..
but today.. wow.. I get so triggered.. so upset when i hear that ANGER in someone voice towards me.. even if i KNOW they are upset at something else..
It terrifires me..
He is in the dentist now.. he will get out in a half an hour and depending on hpw he is feeling we may go on to Boone (I cleaned the entire downstairs before we left-being PROACTIVE) so all he would need to do is throw his stuff in hte car..
or wait and leave to go to Boone tomorrow

money is a big thing for me.
I do get scared at how quickly my money can go down.. especially when i see that he utilizes what i buy moreso than I do.. and if i bring it up he gets sooooo pissed off.. and lists off all the things he has paid for that i havent added money to..
and so i dont expect to get anything back
its not a fight i want to continue.
when he makes me happy i can be soo happy..
but when he wants to he can break my heart so deeply...

Well..
things have been going soo miuch better!!
I dont know why.. and i dont know how to explain it.. but i FEEL it
and we are having FUN.. clean fun..
we still have our moments.. our spats.. but they arent as intense.. I dont feel as attacked

We went to AAA to do our TripTix thingii and it turns out the route we are to take is atleast 5,200 miles..
MUCH too long.. so we need to prioritize and figure out how to make it happen.
Or if we want to go the shorter/faster way.. spend more time playing in Yellowstone and Badland and then on the way back when we have more money go the southern route...

we shall see
but for now
i am happy :)

I feel so removed from everyone... everything...
I thought i knew what i wanted.. I do think that being in Friday Harbor and working at my coffee shop and then the summer camp will be wonderful! i need it.. i need people that care and support and help me feel like me.. and happy... and i commited to be there this summer.. so i have to go
BUT
I have to get there first

thse days have been soo hard
I walked out of the house in tears twice the other day
called my dad and asked how much a bus ticket would cost from Mrytle Beach to Augusta (where my parents are)
and i try to tell him WHY I get so upset
he says im too emotional
but you arent supposed to insinuate that your girlfriend is an imbecile everytime she says something
or get mad when i bring up the money he owes me and then goes on about how he spent this and that and how he never ASKED me to pay for the things i payed for (not directly, but he would have made my time miserable if i didn't)
and how every day since we got back from Florida we have gone on some chase for those things which "make him feel normal" which i dont want anything to do with
and i feel so useless here
i wander around the house.. around the neighborhood..
my ED is doing that stupid cometiion where I need to eat less than everybody-which is hard because JP hardle eats, either because of his stomach problems (acid reflux) or the things that make him feel normal.. and he barely eats and so ifeel like some pig-glutton

and i regeret leaving henderonville so much



Yes, I was lonely.
But
If i do ever have the guts to leave him
the courage
the strength
but i have dedicated nearly 2 years of my life
denied so many job offers
spent so much money
so much time
so much of me
has gone into him
into this relationship
and it CAN work
once again i return to thte song



and the thing i he doesnt understand
he doesn't think hes f** up when he clearly is
He doesn't think he should have to pay me back as much as he should because he was f*** up when he asked for the money blah blah blah
but i truly do love him
i do

but
even if i did end it
where would i start over?
would i go to my coffee shop in the san juan islands where i am loved and accepted,.. even though he will be wokring there?
i just denied 2 Zoo jobs.. and left my teaching job. for him... left Ziggy fun friend.. left so much,.
my heart would break

and the thing is
i coould make it work here.. with him.. because i have..
but Ziggy helped show me again fun life
and various other people too
JP can be fun at times.. but he gives the best hugs. makes me feel safe and warm.. takes care of me...
i dont know
i dont know
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
.....

I still hate mirrors.
And I have to wonder… IF I did lose a certain amount of weight.. and it was noticeable, wouldn’t SOMEONE comment on it?
Not my parents (Even though I haven’t seen them in awhile)
Not JP (Even though I haven’t seen him in almost a month)
Yesterday was supposed to be our last trip. A 5 hour trip. But he had a mini siezure in the middle of the night and shortly after I came down with the cold shivers and puked for nearly an hour until I fell into sleep talking deliriously to JP who I m not sure if he was awake or not anway.
The next day he had one again in the morning and cancelled the trip. I admit I was dissapointed and he thought I was blaming him or mad at him because I couldn’t go on the trip. I tried to make him see that I was not dissapointed or mad at him.. I was mad at the situation. I hated (and still do) for him to have to go through that.
I had 4 more bouts of shivers and puking. He has had 3 more of his.. it terrifies me. And he doesn’t eat much and everytime I bring that up he accuses me of bringing up food or me getting jelous that he eats less than me. Frustrates me.. because I AM serious.. I did go through treatment 3 times and I KNOW its not good to live off of what he does-especially doing what he does. And yes it DOES mess with my head/ED. I cant help but feel like some pig when I bring out some Wheat Thins and Hummus and he gets excited.. had 4 and is full.. meanwhile I eat what seems like is half the bag and the only reason I put it away is because I am feeling embarassed.
Now Im sitting out here in my hammock.. relaxing in the sun.. trying to tame the voices that tell me, “GET MOVING OR GET FAT” and listening to music about relationships where I question the realities of their bliss. I can imagine that there are times.. but I know ful well it isnt all fun and games.. not all kisses and hugs..
The other day we were out on a trip with 3 french people.. we were talking.. they brought up france.. I mentioned that when I went there all I really ate was french bread and croissants.. which spurred into a conversation about french food. The next day I talked with a lady who taught art to mdidle schoolers. I asked if she had ever finger painted with them. She had did some work in art therapy as well, so I figured she would understand that I was serious.
Later on, JP told me that I needed to stop doing “that” .. what is “that”? ..being childish.. he brought up those 2 examples. I cant help that that is the way the conversations went. He said it was embarassing to him. That’s the way I am. I am sorry. That’s just the way I am.
I have been realizing that he reminds me a lot like my big brother. I don’t know if it has been throughout the whole time or just since I came down.. but his constant criticism of things I do, his tone of voice.. his swearing at me because I’m daydreaming while we are kayaking and I run into some tree branches and whack my paddle. How I can ask him a simple question and he can have that TONE in his answer that’s basically saying “what a dumb question”

I do not like mirrors. I do not like what I see. And they mess with my head.. (except they don’t just “mess”, they “f****” because its more than just a “mess”)
in fact today.. at the airport I went into one and was completely disgusted by what I saw. I retreated into myself and wandered around not starting at anyone, closed off, cranked my music, refused to buy food/snack even though I was hungry. I just DID not like what I saw.
A little later, I gave in and went to the Grove snack place where you can buy snacks by the pound.. I got gummies and some candied/toffee peanuts.. It came to be $4.09.. I had $3.. so I dug and dug in my bag for change.. was sooo close.. and then all of a sudden I heard a clinging of change hitting the floor. It was too far from me to have fallen from my bag, so I looked around to see if someone dropped it and I saw this table of (hott) guys staring in my direction.. so I picked it up, paid for my purchase and turned around to thank them… kind of wanted to stay, but felt too vulnerable/dumb being me so I left.. on my way back to my gate I checked in the mirror again and (even though it was a quick glance) I had a smile of satisfaction..
Yes.. I suppose it could have to do with the fact those guys helped me out (And WoW all of them were..like.. rugby type guys... looked like they could get ruff, but at the same time almost too “pretty” for me)
☺
and Now I wait.
I got tired of wandering the airport and my eyeballs ache. In 2 and a half hours I will be in Florida.
And I know hes going to coment on how he hasn’t eaten anything. And I know I am going to review in my head every SINGLE bite/crumb I ate and compare and feel like some pig.
As always.
I want so badly to ACCEPT myself.. my body.. And I hate mirrors because each time I look in them I look different.. my belly is bigger or flatter or I am more tan or red bits over my face or smooth skin.. It depends on the lighting.. what happened previously.. who I interacted with and how it went. FAT IS NOT A FEELING.
So I listen to light hearted songs.
So I talk to people that bring me UP and are not emotional vampires.
I do not need emotional vampires. I do not need my soul and happiness sucked out of me.

And I have been craving sugar.. pure sugar pretty much.. in the form of gummi bears, chocolate, gummi worms, strawberries dipped over and over again in sugar..
And I hate it
Because I know what is going ot happen if I keep on this eating plan.
Each night I tell myself I am going to start in the morning eating Cheerios (even if it has some sugar at the bottom of the bowl) and later on a salad-or even a SANDWICH! instead of not eating breakfast/lunch and snacking all day.
I will get it one of these days.. hopefully before my body starts expanding too much..

I am going to miss Carolina.. and I got calls from 2 people I work with/for yesterday giving me good wishes for the future and that I always have a place to work if I come back..

YOU WERE BORN AN ORIGIONAL-DON’T DIE A COPY

Hello!
Back again!
with pep and vigor
i guess...

So i left it all behind yesterday.. my wonderful job that kept me afloat.. the huggable children..
they had a going away party for me.

how strange, wonderful, sad and frustrating it is that I never realize how much people appreciate me until its "too late"
I live in this world where I see the most wonderful qualities in everybody around me.. I have never met a person I did not like.. i tend to only on the awe and beauty and uniqueness.. I trust.. I dont seem to see the "negavites" and if i i do, the goodness always outweighs..
but when it comes to me.. why would people WANT to be seen with me?
I used to ahve this fear.. back with one of my ex's (my only REAL ex) that he didnt want to take me places because i was so weird.. that he wasn't proud of me.. that he didnt want to be seen with me.. a lot of it has to do with Kyle too.
As much as I loved my brother, he messed with my head in such a way it is so hard to recover.. at times I REALIZE what I am thinking/doing is illogical and untrue, but its so much easier..

Anyway.
ramble on ramble on is what i do :)

Today.
My break from everything.. to a degree.. I get to paint outside in the beautiful sunshine in my swimsuit, the soft Georiga sun enhancing the vibrancy of hte colors as I squeeze half the tube onto my canvas and spread it around and around watching hte colors swirl together.. reds and blues and oranges and yellows and pinks.. until most all of my paint is gone.
Soon i will go kayaking for more think-time
Tomorrow I fly to JP down in Florida. to kayak and relax in the Sunshine State.. then driving up to his parents in Sunset Beach, NC
and then across the county to Washington state.. to Friday Harbor where a job at a summer camp waits for me. .as welll as ChurchHil Coffee and my friends i made there last summer. I look forward to it and am excited!! CANT WAIT!!
btu at the same time i have to stop to remind myself that I wasn't ALL happy there.. just look back in my blogsss!!

I am all about magnifying the happy times and disinigrating the bad times.. if that makes sense..
and I know this road trip will wear me down.. like it did last time.. but I want to make it work.. I want to go to Zion and to Grand Canyon and he has all these wonderful plans and ideas to visit different places but, realistically, I know we wont be able to do all of it.. so i try not to get my hopes up.

On another note.. with all this moving aorund and not being able to stay put.. free-spirit yes.. I am that.. but it isn't all about free spiritedness. People ARE right.. I am running.. constantly on the go.. in life.. even minute to minute it is so hard for me to stay still.. and living in one place for an extended period of time.. yes I get bored with the monotony.. and excited at the prospect of NEW!!
but
once again
as the days close in to the day I leave, things start going uphill .. I start realizing that i CAN make it on my own/in this town..

And.. EVERYTIME i come home
EVERYTIME
I am insatiable.
and its frustrating.
too much food in the house.. too much GOOD munchiness..
when my dad is there I am able to handle it.
I love my daddy :) we snack together... play Wii.. have hte same dorky sense of humor..
I love my mommy too.. but in a different way.. and its so GREAT that shes happy lately!! (even though the only thing she talks about is Farmville..) i love to see her soo happy and chatty and yelling at me from downstaris to log on and check facebook because she found some brown egg whcih If i GET i MIGHT be able to hatch a cottage for my farm...
(:
looveeeee

and today
i decided
(after doing 2 videos and a 6.5 mile hike)
that i am going to eat
not deny
at least today its going okay
i made DELICOUS dinner
of mixed veggies stir fried with some chicken and curry paste.. mmm..
and stopped by the grocery store to get some groceries.. AND sour gummi worms.. yes i ate more than i would have liked, but hey....
its okay
its okay
its okay
one day at a time
one hour at a time
its going

I want to break out of my comfort zone
but when i am about to.. offered the opportunity.. to spend the night at somenes house (enjoy myself and drink so i cant drive home)/. i stop drinking..sober up quick and drive home.. or chicken out on going OUT and instead opt to play board games .. which is fun in itslef.. but i do know i would have fun going out
and
really badly want to kayak or rock climb or camp this weekend.
Ziggy is going to be gone.. my only solid connection to fun..
i need to think of alternatives..
one day at a time..
things iwll fall into place..

And as sad as it is
and as much as i hate to admit it

I HATE That i cant be anorexic anymore

i hate it
i hate it
i cant even be..
it used to be so easy
weight used to fly away
and now

hate my mind
hate my mental process

i know whats right
i know whats wrong
i know mirrors lie
i know my eyes lie
i know different mirrors make me look different
different clothes
different pictures
clothes fit different
and sometimes i can feel light and happy as a feather and within a matter of hours can feel heavy as a dump truck
up and down
down and up
easily crushed
easily excited

i love him so much
i do i do
and yet
when i get off the phone i am left with such a deep sadness
is it because i know betteR?
is it because i miss him?
is it because ...?
and its such a hard thing to think about
because i do love him and i want to be with him soo much and i cant seem to enjoy life fully without him... whenever i am out.. with other people or not.. i am constantly reminded of him..
yet
i also know
honestly
that i am not always happy when i am with him
even though i feel "whole" with him
i also feel the "hole" with him

and the mental is getting worse
food is getting harder to accept
chocoalte and coffee for the most part is what i have lived off of when i was at the Head STart Conference in Raleigh Wednesday-Friday.
those Southern conservatives have such a critical eye.. mean glare.. unaccepting
yet others ..
one guy that worked at a booth came up to me .. remembered me from over a year ago at some concert in Asheville i went to where they closed off the streets for some guy to come play live for free.. and this guy remembered me from OVER A YEAR AGO!
and the night of the banquet.. for Head Start.. over 800 people.. fancy schmancy.. felt so out of place.. escaped early and went along with some other people for a ride to the liqueor store.. finally found one that was open.. passed the bottle.. went back to the banquet with others-once the kareoke and dancing started and i lit up on the dance floor
all that coming home and crankin the music and movin paid off
even the black ladies were cheerin me on!!! i loveddddd it.. i felt so pretty.. so light.. so wonderful

and yet
today
no less than 2 days later
i cant stand looking in the mirror

:)
happy
Saturday night=happy .. met my new Ziggy. and good old Miguel.. and we ran the town.. bought a bottle and passed it around (though i pretended a lot) and went to an art show because Ziggy had a painting.. and roamed the bars not drinking but playing.. where we light a napkin on fire from the candle.. i got a glow in the dark bracelet from some fun people i met.. then to Ingles grocery near midnight romping through making a racket and back to Ziggys with some peoples to make cheesecake and pizza and I never slept! my mind was too busy

sunday=throbbing brain and need for sleep

monday- no school.. (??-it was a pretty.. sunny day!!) soo i went to asheville.. visited friends in EarthFare.. and went to a couchsurfing brithday dinner and met more new friends!

things are looking up... with work.. with freinds.. with potential for things to do and people to play with after work and on weekends..
reassurance that i am fun.. or can be.. i dont know.. but i love it
and i am happy.
:)

MY BABIES!!
or rather..
los niños pequeños

they make me so proud. Everyday there is an improvement. Focusing on the small accomplishments..
SHD ONLY CRIED FOR 5 MINUTES AFtER HER FAMILY LEFT!
YAY!
..
WE TOOK HIS BLANKET AWAY AND HE ISNT CRYING FOR IT TODAY!
yAY!
SHE IS STILL PLAYING AND IM ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM!! SHE's NOT MY SHADOW ANMORE!!
.
SHE LAUGHED!
..
SHE put half the blocks awaY!!
she only left one piece of the puzzle out! !
HEr parents remembered diapers!


and they ALL.. all 8 of them learn to wash their hands before every meal.. and remind us lest we forget (sometimes we pretend to see what they will do, and they immediatly step up to the stool and put their hands over the sink and use the universal hand washing motion-they cant reach the sink so they do need our help_
AND they all sit there.. all 8 of them.. at breakfast, lunch and snack at the table, whether they are eating or talking or staring.. they know now that they need to wait until everyone is finished and then one by one brush their teeth and wash tehir hands..
they dont try to get up... they are PATIENT!!
which amazes me for 2 year olds..
and a couple of them give random hug attacks. running at you from across the room and jump into your arms whether you are ready for them or not.
and for the couple that cry every time they come in, and cling to their mother... each day they cry a little less.. and smile and laugh a little more.. i
and i can see their PERSONALITIES develop!
we have a dumper...
he goes to every container and DUMPS the entire thing all over the floor.. slowly.. so you can hear each individual piece hit the floor... and then moves onto the next one..
and we have quite a few who don't like sharing.. toys or their space or their teachers...
and the most beautiful smiles
and one girl who talks on and on and on in spanish and we have no idea what she is saying... we can catch a word here or there..
but we imagine that what it must be like for our parents. (6 of the 8 speak only spanish.. 1 speaks both.. but mostly spanish.. and one is completely english)
one father has 2 tear drop tattoos underneath his eye (i hope the rumors aren't true in terms of what it means..

AND I SO BADLY WANT TO SHARE THE PICTURES BECAUSE YOU CANNOT HELP BUT SMILE WHEN YOU SEE THESE CHILDREN!!
(except when they are acting BAD)

but its a whirlwind day full of tears (though less and less in the morning and more so just before lunchtime).. wiping snotty noses.. singing songs while the children stare as though we are crazy.. and i put on my favorite dancing cd with "twist and shout" and some song they sing about "HOT HOT HOT" by someone and all kinds that make me dance and move and i end up picking up each of the kids individually for an individual dancing "lesson" and try to teach them to shake their bum..but they aren't at that level yet.

and i look at the pictures
and the kids make me happy.
they need me.. they are attatched and comfortable.. *(though someone could EASILY replace me..)
but
i cant leave them
can i?


OH AND LAST NIGHT I WENT OUT!! YAY!!
the freind i had made plans with 4 or 5 times and either weather or his work or something else got in the way..
i finally got to go out! !
we went to eat at some bar thingie (the food was not too good..but I HAD A BEER!! I want to experience life.. and that includes EVERYTHING.. including beer.. even if i couldn't help but make a nasty face every time i took a sip)
and i bought us dessert at the chocolate bar
and we talked and talked
and i loved it
and i LOVED it

and its snowing now
so even though i made plans for sAturday to go to asheville.. we shall see how it pans out..

it was so hard to come back to hendersonville.
it didnt help that every other song that came on the radio (when I was able to GET radio reception) was somber.. sad..
so i rolled in sunday around 5:30..
after a wonderful weekend away from it all
with my parents
baked a batch of cookies (which my dad and i ate with gusto)
2 loaves of bread (both gone now due to my dad and i)
shared a lovely bottle of wine at a lovely Olive Garden restaurant where my mom had entirely too much wine (and so did my dad.. in fact he kept trying to fil up MY glass of wine just to keep my mom from having more..)
kayaking
old home videos that made me smile.. bringing backa ll the happy memories of life as a child.. of Kyle.. of Grandpa and Grandma.. everyone..
going through my grandma's paintings (TONS TONS of them) --i got a naked man sketch.. hes quite good looking too ;)
warmth. wii.. walking along the Savannah River.. frozen peanut M&Ms.. Cinnamon Toast Crunch.. free laundry.. need i go on?

BUT i did buy a plane ticket to go down to see JP.. the 19th-22nd.
its what is keeping me going

AND i got a text today from a friend in Asheville who asked me to go out with him Thursday night.. but then again this is the same dude i made plans with 3 different times and every time something happened (he had to go to work last minute,.. snow storm...)
but i cant help but get excited

and i want to go out soo bad.. let loose.. get a drink.. meet people.. feel like im worthy of hanging out with

work is going going going.. we had 7 kids today.. lots of snotty noses and wiping food all over the table, chairs, shirts, pants, chins, eyelashes... a couple that cried unconsolably for mommy.. one girl that is a tad too attached to me whereas if i leave her side she starts bawling and wherever i sit down, she immediately climbs onto my lap.. its wonderful to have someone look up to me so much though.. but i am trying to wean her off me at the same time..
love the baby hugs i get (even if they come with slobber or tears..)

Hello!
LONG TIME!
I went home because its been too long.. what with last weekend being my brothers 2 year death and my grandpa died last week and with the snow storm i was stuck in hendersonville and not able to visit my friend in asheville.
so i wandered the streets., drank coffee and tried to think of things to look up at the coffee shop... waiting for someone friendly to come in so i could chat with them. but no

THOUGH
i did have two 44 year old men buy me drinks/dinner..
one on last Friday (i sat at the bar at an Irish Pub where i was applying to work and this friendly guy started chatting me up beside me. we talked for a good 2 and a half hours.. about love.. about growing up.. about relationships.. very insightful.. i enjoy asking people how they knew they were in Love)
------AND he introduced me to a new drink.. he offered to buy me a drink.. i said SURE! but.. since YOU are buying the drink, i want YOU to choose what I get.. My life is in your hands.."
and he ordered me one called "Chocolate Cake"
and it tasted JUST like a chocolate cake.. (Absolute Citron and Fragelico Hazelnut Liquer.. wiiith a sugar coated rim and lemon wedge

---MONDAY night i was walking out of a bar that i had applied to just as some guy did and we got to talking as we walked down the street together and he asked if i would stop in for a drink with him and that i looked like a needed a good decent meal (..ED bells ring ring ring! "yay.. someone notices the hard work ive been doing".. battled with "LIAR!.. i dont look a thing different than before..)
he bought me a chicken Caesar wrap .. and i ate the WHOLE thing.. PLUS the fries.. AND then an slice of apple pie.. my body was starving.. so was i.. emotionally, physically.. we talked we talked.. he told me about me.. he was like this therapist/fortune teller.. I cannt even BEGIN to tell you the world of things he said to me that WERE TRUE without me telling .. creepy.. but satisfying..
it was mostly nice to have someone INTERESTED in ME.. wanting to know about me.. taking interest in me.. taking care of me.. PAYING for me..
it was a shock.. it was a surprise.. it was pleasant..

and still i go home do the same thing over and over again.. exercise video.. or coffe shop and then video.. and then safe comfort soup and then sleep/movie..
and the weather has been making it so that the kids dont come to school which means that i dont go to to work so i have dayssss of nothingggg to do with noo onee

i got fed up
tired of it all
went home
and im glad im here