..
and its failing..

Today is a new day.
soon to be a new year i suppose.
and here i am
still alone
but atleast i am OUT
well.. its only across the street at a coffee shop...
but still .

I am at this point where I sway back and forth quite rapidly.. extremely..

1. I am big.. I need to exercise.. get rid of it all.. thats how i can pass the time.. focus on something that will gain me results.. just stay in my own little safe wold.. where I am out and about.. working or walking until around 5:30 or 6.. come home.. pop in a dance video and attempt to follow them in my clumsiness (falling behind/down too many times to count) or some sort of work out video for a good 40-60 minutes.. then heat up the ramen noodles.. dump out most of all the noodles.. eat/drink the broth.. read until 7:30 or 8.. crawl under the covers.. watch a movie.. fall asleep
over and over.. no threat to my eating.. no threat of being rejected or unwanted or fat or sloozy or whatnot

2. WHAT aM i thinking? you only live once? GO OUT to the bar tonight.. its new years.. at least order a drink if you are too scared to order a real meal.. see what happens.. at least you can say you didnt stay in all night.. At least you attempted.. not that just sitting there is going to get you anywhere.. suck it up.. chat with people.. it has never not worked before.. I AM GOOD AT MEETING PEOPLE.. just not CATCHING them.. just not following through.. if they seem friendly-INVITE them somewhere for further chat.,, stop wearing those same old warm safe clothes.. put on those new jeans.. that new shirt.. rock their world.. you know you can.. you have a job starting next week- Training for 3 weeks and starting the 25th you will have your own classroom of 8 kids.. they trust you. they respect you.. they believe in you.. you are going to do home visits.. advocate for those children.. etc.

now my finds are tight.. i am used to having that $5,000 CD account to fall back on.. but it isnt there anymore.. so if i run out its NOTHING. after i pay rent come next week i am down to $1,000... but THEN AGAIN.. I will be making 9.50 an hour for training (3 weeks.. 8 hours a day.. 5 days a week) and then the 25th i will be making 10.25 an hour when i become the officail teacher and my kids come to me.

its all rather overwhelming.. the trust.. the everything.. since i am the first one they picked.. and i met my boss today and we had good laughs. .i get to help at least SET UP the classroom since she has already bought hte supplies. I want a bubble machine.
there are so many licensing regulations. .rules.. restrictions.. procedures..
but i am keeping optimistic..
went to the library and checked out many books.

now im sitting here in the coffee shop.. lounging on the comfy couch.. hoping someone interesting will come through for me to pull next to me to chat..
i dont want to do nothing anymore.. ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve

I was going to babysit for this family that i gave my number to from the YMCA. 2 days ago they were still considering.. yesterday i never got to talk to them because when they came to drop off their sons AND when they picked them up I was busy reading stories to a gaggle of children and wasn't able to free myself in time to ask.

but i want life to happen again.
REAL bad
i just dont know where to find it.
i used to be so good with people

And I am so scared of being away from JP for so long.. last time i was gone from someone i loved (Kevin) things fell apart.. i need to be near.. i need to feel.. to touch. to hug.. to be assured.. to have fun with..
I was going to buy him a plane ticket to come up and visit next week. but he seems hesitant.. due to $$.. i cant really spare the $300 to fly him back here.. I suppose i can.. but do i want to?
I have helped him out soo much financially in the past.. cant he make an effort to spend a little money to make me happy? if he has to hesitate.. to think.. to pause.. then its not worth it. . . i guess. . .

and i wonder when i walk by the hairdresser.. if when they see some slop walk by (me.. probably) do they cringe and think of all the different things they could do with that person.. or all of the things that are wrong with that person?

and now some little kid sat next to me and started chatting..

here we goo..

maybe he has a daddy...

soo coold
and alone
and lonely
and same as always
but getting worse
I dont know how i can make it to JAnuary 4th to start the new job.. let alone the 4 months without him

BUT
last night..
after breaking down and crying in the depths of despair for a good 45 minutes.. I popped in some Pilates video.. and started MOOOVING
and felt better.. and then fell asleep
and then woke up.. did it again. . and now im still doing okay for now. cleaned the apartment as much as i could considering how small it is.. saving my grapefruit for a little later.. finishing up my mug of cocoa.. its 12:30 almost and SUPPOSEDLY have a friend on the way from Tuscaloosa.. I got a text from him last night saying he was making the trek today.. after canceling last week..
so
im a little nervous since i dont know him too well..
but happy that someone is willing to hang out with me for a bit :)

I have been calling/texting JPs sister, Amanda and their family a lot the past couple days.. feeling that deep sense of lonliness.. wishing i were there.. they care.. they hug.. they may not DO a whole lot.. but its PEOPLE. .its HUGS. .its "family".. (i did live with them for a good part of this past year..

Everythings closed today.. rains a fallin. .no where to go.. just wait for him to arrive i suppose and pop out the Scrabble :)

JP called briefly last night.. his service is bad so i didnt get to talk much.. but hes out with 5 New Yorkians that are Jewish in the middle of the Everglades and apparently they are quite rude and getting on his nerves.. poor thing.. alone out there on Christmas eve.. more alone than me i suppose since he is with people that dont appreciate him..
i dont know
i want him to come back
anyway
the heater isnt working too well either.. so i find myslef huddled against the heater as much as i can.. pressing the CONNECT button to the internet.. since the connections sketchy.. slow and always kicks me off..
so when i dont have access ot the internet.. thats my connection to the world.. to potential warmth from others.. from researching..
OH!
97% chance i will get to be an actual TEACHER of an Early Head STart classroom (2 year olds) come January.. since she thinks i am sweet, gentle and portray a lovingness that little ones would be drawn to whereas if i were in the 4 year old classroom the kids would be a lot harder to handle
thats fine with me
i would love to have my own kids :)
even if htey are 2 years old

Today was no good
YMCA was busy with kids being let out of hte house for the first time in 3 days.. lots of fights and non sharing and wildness.. then to URgent care for a physical only to learn there was a 3 hour wait.. so i went to the health center to get the TB test checked off saying that i was good.. no TB for me.. BACK to Urgent Care.. waited 2 hours.. only to learn that they couldn't sign the papers because when i got the card/result from the TB test the lady forgot to date it.. so i have to go ?BACK to the health center tomorrow.. get them to sign off on the date.. go BACK to Urgent care.. have them complete the physical papers.. then back to Head Start to turn in all the papers and complete whatever else they need.. then to work at 3:30..
I was supposed to wrok at noon tomorrow but the girl called, asking if she could take my shift since i took her shift saturday cuz she couldnt get her car out of her driveway due to snow.. at first i said no.. I DO need the money. and then i felt horrible.. so i said she could do noon-3:30..
and then i wandered down to the grocery store to buy laundry detergent.. only to get a call from some lawyers of JP's.. I had to pay a bill for him a couple weeks ago.. but it turns out i read the numbers on the check wrong.. so the check got sent back to them.. so i had to re-read the numbers.. realized that YEs INDEED I AM DySLEXIC.. mistaking a 1 for a 6.. only to learn that they and to add on $40 for the bounced check.. I burst into hysterical tears in the store.. and walked home defeated in the chilly night air..
plus got the electric bill for $85.. and had to pay $50 for the physical plus $15 for the TB test..
money goes down the drain quite quickly
and its getting to me
now am doing my laundry in the machines in the building for $1.25 to wash and 1.75 to dry..
down down down
emotionally.. financially
when is this going to start going uphill? or at least level out?

such wide mood swings... woke up defeated... got out for a walk.. music brought me up.. made me smile as i slipped, slid and trudgd through the snowy ice.. played with charlie, painted and chatted at work.. came home.. did well at first.. but the nothingness got to me.. got excited-called JP only to have him pretty mch ignore every time i mentioned how i was thinking of him-what i would do to him when were together again... he talked about there-worj, weather, how he had no food.. shut out, let down i got off the phone in tears. went for the voldka and cranked up the solemn music.. and here i am in bed at 8:45 at night..
obviously hes preoccupied... obviously i have no life.. but its hard not to think about how hes content wthout me as he ignores my offer to buy him a ticket to come see m,e and instead he goes on to tell me how he can get 700 for team driving the kayaks up to WA.. and how it would work out if i came the last couple days he was there so i could drive his car back..

MEANWHILE
paintings are filling up the kitchenas i lean the finished products against the walls to admire and move on...8 total so far..
more to come..!?!?
yes

again.. snow day.. though it didnt snow..
i allowed myself to lay down.. finish a movie.. and have an actual BREAKFAST..
the plan was to go for a long walk.. take pictures of the snow. hope that the thrift stores were open.. pop into the library to refresh my books and movies since it would be closed tomorrow
I had just reached the end of Main STreet.. browsing through Mast General STore when i got the call to go into work..
disappointed i couldn't go on my planned walk..
that i would not get that exercise..
that fresh air
when it was so beautifully sunny out

but i packed up my paints, my big plywood slices.. my computer.. the library books/movies (the plan was to escape once things slowed to the library.. get rid of old.. replenish the new...)
and i painted away
and painted
and people kept coming as soon as i had my heart and mind set on going.. as i was turning out the lights and closing up shop-2 times.. people kept coming in..
it wasnt all that bad.. i got to talk to people.. i got to socialize to a degree.. i got to work.. i got to paint..
but no new movies.. no walk.. no exercise.. no
and JP is still happy as ever.. at dinner with his co-worker.. laughing and joking
and i still sad and lonely
just one friend
is all i need.. is that too much to ask?
how do i find someone?

i have this plan.. in my hopes.. to suggest to JP that he come HERE when he gets off the waters on the 31st.. supposedly he has a week off.. and supposedly its going to be boring, etc.
so. ,,, why not come herE? play with me.. we can go visit his freind in Boone.. i can have my happy again.
but im also scared to suggest it that he will cross out the idea. "too expensive" or whatnot
i really dont care if i have to buy the ticket..
does it matter at all that i want HIM..
is that such a ridiculous request?

TODAY
was a snow day
should be a happy day!
snow!
beauty!
snowflakes!
piling up!
time to make snow men.. snowball fights.. warming up with cocoa.. sledding..
but i have this way
lately
of making everything hard
I went to the YMCA for my job.. only to learn that the ChildWatch (child care) was closed.. since SCHOOLS were closed.. so the Y closed their child care..
so
i went back home
got antsy
called JP and started crying by the sound of his voice
he sounds so happy... so content.. so excited about his new job
and that is a good thing
and sometimes i am able to be excited for him
but
all i can think of is how far away he is.. and how long it will be until i see him.. and how much happier he seems now than when he was with me
(even though the reason why he wasnt content here is because he had nothing to do.. and was stressed about going to the Everglades because information was sketchy and he had no idea basically what he was getting into...)
so its obvious that he is going to be happier.. all that stress gone.. now that he knows what hes getting into.. he has a place (before his co-staff was saying stuff like "I think i might have got a place pinned down it may be around 300-600 a month.." etc. so we didnt know what exactly that meant..)
and he lives right on the main drag (which isnt saying much since it is Everglades city.. the size of a postage stamp) surrounded by palm trees.. and always goes on about how hott it is.. the animals.. the kayaking hes going to do.. etc.
and it makes me sad that i dont get to be with him when hes happy
and that im stuck back here in the cold working to get back the money that i spent on him (well.. for the past couple months it had been more for "us" than "him") so that if i DID want to leave.. i could afford it
Too much free time..
in fact i have this quote..

The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

i had the whole day
and keep remembering how nice it was to have him to calm me down.. with him there it was "okay" for me to lay down and watch a movie during the day.. alone.. i dont deserve it.. i guess? .. i haven't earned the right to relax and lay down since i hadnt DONE anything yet...
So.. i trekked out in the snow.. went on a journey.. with shoes that were NOT AT ALL Adequate for snow.. and no jacket only a sweatshirt which got pretty soaked quite quickly..
i went to the ABC store.. browsed the aisles of liquer.. debating on if i should go for cheap, flavor, curiosity, nostalgia or random? i ended up somewhat splurging on a $19 bottle of Absolute PEach..
and then wandered by the thirft stores hoping one would be open so i could atleast buy tennis shoes or a coat.. none were open..
wandered to Harris Teeter for hot cocoa (and free samples)
then to Rite Aid for a back up reserve of cigarettes.. just in case i felt like i needed some quick head rush.. i guess..

then back home
to play Wii Fit..
to watch Candy
Candy
that movie.. reminds me so much of JP and I.. just the way they love each other.. need each other.. rely on each other.. except we are also QUITE different in many ways than those two.. but the point is, i related to it.. i cried.. for me.. for JP.. for the couple on the movie.. for my want to escape in a bad kind of way

then later on i went for a walk in the snow.. at night.. VERY cold.. and wet cuz i had no other shoes.. nor did i have another pair of pants (excpet for my flare jeans which would have gotten even more soaked than the ones that were already wet)
the snow is deep now
it has stopped falling for the most part.. and is at that eerie time of night.. the stillness.. pure white below.. grayish brownish black clouds form the ceiling.. and the town is deserted..

and now im back
and even tho its been a long, lonely day..
i havent opened the drink.. and only 1 cigarette-which i didnt even finish-and it was the "short" kind..

but i still have 2 more days.. Saturday and Sunday.. and my cars snowed in.. and besides that, the Anti Lock Brakes are on the verge of falling apart.. so i dont think i should drive much..
and im stuck
i did stop by the neighbors across the hall to drop off a couple donuts that i bought from the bakery in order to bribe people to come visit (didnt work) .. they are nice.. just chillin, watching Family Guy.. i kind of wanted to stay.. but the overbearing smell of cigarette smoke made me retreat quite quickly

and so tomorrow is another day of nothing
so i paint again
so i Wii again
so i read some
so i watch a movie (If i decide that i am "allowed")

I Want to just get over all of this
i dont know where i turned
i used to be so happy.. so care free
now .. everything seems so ....sooooo,.... hard.. so much work.. so out of reach..
and i keep eating to fill that void.. the sadness.. the loneliness.. the JP being gone.. the no friends.. food is a friend. it is there. it makes me feel good (at first at least) its pleasurable. it fills me up
but really
what i need/want to be filled up with is satisfaction with life.. filled up with friends.. filled up with LIFE..
.......

i just feel so wholesomely lost
alone
scared

And just like that
hes gone
for 4 months
leaving me with no supoprt.. no friends..
but hey.. at least i have 2 jobs.. which will change in January when i start with Head STart.. she claims she can promise 5 days a week 8-2 or 3..
but whenever i am in there.. the Head STart i get the strangest vibe.. like confinement..
i suppose i need to give it a chance
i just need friends
but whenever he leaves.. i have no motivation.. no effort left over to try to make friends.
i guess it doesnt help that i am working a lot.. or if i am not i am with him.
and now hes gone
and i have all this free time
and no one to come home to
no hug
no movies
no shared meals or snacks.
instead i come home to an empty apartment.. decently warm in one room.. frigid in the other.. and in the bathroom..

but my parents came Satruday.. dropped off my Christmas presents since I wont be going with them to Seattle for Christmas. :(
I opened them up already... to my joy it was a Wii!! So now i have a Wii.. Wii fit..
which is fun
but
today
no
its not

The studio is fun when people are there.. but the hours are long when no one is there.. YMCA--i go there for the kids.. finding myself attached to them. . looking forward to certain ones.. preparing myself and the room for others.. but no structure.. no challenge.. becomes old quickly

my money is low
due to him and to the stupid emotional vampire that is in jail now and wanted me to bail him out for $2,200.. NO
he has done NOTHING for me but make me cry.. bring me down.. manipulate.. trick.. take my money with NO conscience..

and i wonder how happy can i really be here?
How can i make friends?
If only one of the restaurants will hire me.. that will open me up to a new group of people..
whenever i went in to apply to be a waitress.. there were plenty of people my age.. that acted interested in me.. that seemed interesting..

instead i came home today
had a slice of toast with peanut butter.. called him.. no answer.. grew restless.. had some ice cream.. went to the bathroom.. went on the computer... ate half a box of Honeycomb.. went to the bathroom.. and now
now what?