Jusby and I.. :) LOVE the nosE!


ACTION SHOT... He climbed up the last time.. withOUT a rope..










And this is the one
the one that popped my happiness.. i dont look

I knew it wouldn't last.
The happy..
but its not even anything OUTSIDE of me that happened
well.
it was a picture
that brought me down.. that burst my bubble.
But its soo weird..
My clothes either fit now or are too big. I am constantly pulling up my pants or whatnot
but
i am stilll NOT what i look like
the scar is still showing.. as always.. creating that pouf..
never will i be anywhere near anyone else...

but

on the other hand
the past 2 days have been quite amazing.
Wednesday, Jusby got ahold of me!
I thought they were leaving. so i pulled a double-shifter. and they came to visit me
and so did JP and JAmes
and then a small fiasco occurred.. which was redeemable in a way.
acceptable.. or at least expected.
but then i got to go for a ride with Jusby and his family for awhile around the island.
It was good.
It was pure
i was happy... though there was a small nagging in my mind.. of wanting to be back safe in my bed
but i fought it and focused on our watching.. observing.. talking..
they are such beautiful people. :)
I wish i would have visted them in December when i thought i would.
I want a family someday

And that night JP held me all night long.. every time i woke, we were intwined.
it was beautiful

Yesterday I went ROCK CLIMBiNG!!
I was nervous
it was COLD
and i knew there would be 3 of us
meaning third wheel
which is usually me when it comes to fun things
(or James when it comes to hugging/etc)
but we went thought with it
Took a bit of a hit before we left the house which left me flying high all day long.
AND DID'NT YA KNOW IT!?! JUSBY WAS IN LINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!
so i got to spend the ferry ride engrossed in good clean fun
Thomas Cards and Leapin Lizards and War

I LOVED climbing
so much
and i fet that nagging come in whenever they were both sitting
"IF YOUR JUST GOING TO SIT THER, ROPE ME IN AND LET ME PLAY!"
i wanted to say
i got to go up twice :)
I scaled that thing
i WANTED it
i was scared a few times,
but then i kept saying to myself "I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS:"
and i sucked it up and prayed my foot/hands wouldn't slip
i felt alive
out there.. in the fresh air. moving.. putting in effort.. the view was breathtaking
pictures could not even BEGIN to catch its beauty
and then we went to the bars and i only had one drink so i could drive us home (but i was still flying a bit.. so it made for an interesting ride home-ESPECIALLY since the Garmin GPS took me a different way than the way we came which included back roads and windy turns..)
even though i aws slightly pissed that i always have to be the DD.. and i dnt like driving in the first place. especially at night (since the car accident a couple years ago headlights coming at me stilll have an affect on me) and after a glass of wine... and fling..

Fuck food
thats all i have to say
and those who don't eat

and the fact i dont get to paddle in the place that is the most beautiful
when everyone i am around (JP and his fellow Crystal Seas-ers)
kayak
talk about all they went through
the fascinating
the fun
the hard
the harsh
the blah
the blah

and me
nothign
yea
i worked
all those days
thats it
worked
waiterss
wow
how exciting..

i dont look any smaller
dont feel any smaller
nope
Im trying so hard
but nothings working

Basically things have not been going so well.
So I have been devoting my time to scouring hte internet for things to make me smile
here is a sampler




cute. quite clever too...


LOVE his faceeeeeee


The Art of Hotel Bed Jumping...
i want to jump that high...

BUT!
I did get to go out on a paddle with him.. the sunset paddle.. Thursday night
i felt ALIVE out there.. on the water.. making it move.. dipping the oar in the crystalline waters.. spying jellyfish below.. bumping into the kelp.. seeing the house where a man lived that sold his Bacon and Bean Soup recipe to Campbells... the obolusk declaring the line between British and English sides of the island back in the times of the Pig War.. the seal bobbing his head about all around us.. the lines and cords that went into the water so that the whale researcher man could tape the whales calls.. he learned that there are 3 resident pods in the San Juans.. each with their own language..PLUS a language that was mutual between all three of them.. so each pod pretty much spoke 2 languages.. their own and the mutual one.. the feagle (fake eagle)
feeling the current push against me as i paddled back.. watching the mist rise over the water in the distance creating an eerie look.
it was lovely
i do wish to do it again

I cant seem to get it right
what did i do wrong?
was i TOO excited when i gave out my phone number?
was i not excited enough?
did they forget to call me?
did they really think i had anything else to do?
why didnt i get their phone number?

yet another night of sitting back
waiting
hoping
not sure if ia m hoping FOR an invitation to go back out into the world.. or hoping that i can hide away for another night
i am super tired
drained.
11 hour work again

JPs gone.
I cooked for him last night!:)
Baked Ziti. I put my all into it.. threw caution to the wind.. most especially because i attempted 2 different things to make but realized i lacked ingredients so i settled on baked ziti-Penny style.. (meaning no real meaning or recipe or rhyme or reason to it... just layered and swirled and baked..
and the oven.. propane.. i forgot you had to light it so the whole trailer part reeked of propane and i had to wait a good half hour before i felt safe enough to attempt to light the oven again
thankfully he brought 2 others with him.
he barely had what one wold consider a portion. The other 2 wiped it out.
i was happy.
happy to cook
happy to serve
happy to please others
happy they were talking to me
inviting me.. talking to me.. etc

We went to the bar again
i had been CRAVING dance.. dance party.. loud music.. the rush of the alcohol and adrenaline.. letting loose.. Captain Jack called and told me to come dance with him at Herbs. I WANTED TO SOO BAD!!
but i didnt really feel comfortable enough to go alone. And i KNEW JP was not going to dance at all.NOR would he like the fact that i went over there to say hi to Captain Jack.
(and btw today he invited me to go with him on his rowboat and a bottle of wine...)

I gave my phone number to 3 people.. asked 4 or 5 to call me tonight..
notta one

but my eyes ache from being awake.
and so i go

FIREWORKS!!


HA!
Love this picture of him


me.. being a space cadet.. he told me to look at the camera.. but there was a bird..


Walking to work at 5:30.. catching the ferry in the sunrise on its way in..


Veiw from Mt Constitution on Orcas Island..


Veiw from Mt Constitution on Orcas Island..

'
Mountain Lake .. i think that was the name,.


Mountain Lake..

and more..

do i want that?
Do i want to struggle with that all day long? Those images playing in my head. berating me for even thinking of eating? you are your own worst enemy.. harshest critic.. those mirror image pictures are true too I dont see myself as others see me. I see a big lump. A log. i feel free when i feel nothing. Feeling hurts. hunger.. sadness.. lonely.. thats why I lose myself in the world of eating and not eating. It is so easy to cry over trivial things than the deeper ones.
Kyles birthday is late August. He would be 26. what would he be doing? He was such so strong. Physically and emotionally. He was very confused growing up.. showing that he didnt care about anything or anyone... he hurt me. a lot. and his effects have trickled down to even today. I flinch when people move their arms fast near me.. Different ways people say things.. different words.. looks.. the incredulousness.. the hate..
and that video makes me want to be that way again. thin. sleek. tiny. likely to be blown away by the wind. I liked it when people were concerned about me. I liked it when people would talk to me.. even if it was just to ask how i was... to be concerned enough to say i looked to skinny.. or that its okay to eat.. or that i can afford this or that..
i dont get concern anymore. No one forces me to eat because they think i will die soon if i dont.
growing up i was the "perfect" little thing.. always doing right. good grades. rave reviews from families, friends, teachers, etc. people wanting me here or there. i didnt have tantrums. I gave my stuff away to people. I was my moms rock. my dads little princess. no one was concerned about me. I wasnt popular in school by any means. I was invisible. They didnt even make fun of me.. atleast not to my face. but to this day (as with everyone i suppose) any little snicker near me, whispering, looking at me.. takes me back-mostly to Stephenville though where I played dumb the whole time... pretending not to care when really i was tired of being the odd one out.. tired of this.. tired of that.. drained cuz i could never be better. never compare. never come close to anyone.
so i made my own decisions. i didnt deserve this.. or that.. or a whole cookie-only the chocolate chips. i had to start walking or doing to earn my food. etc. and on and on
weird little rules. odd rituals. strange habits.
i loved running my hands over my tummy. granted it still wasn't flat even at 63 lbs because of the scar from the liver transplant. there was always a soft roundnss under my breasts.. coming down to a canyon where the scar was just below the belly button nad then softness again below.. the concave like sunkenss below the hips.. the feel of the ribs jutting out.. the way my tailbone hurt after sitting for a bit because there was no cushion.
ridiculous as it sounds, those things comforted me.
to this day i still do not even know what i actually looked like back then. at my worst.. almost worst. etc. going into treatment 3 times. To me i still looked normal (on good days) and nearing heavy (on bad days). though i still recall the looks people would give me. the whispers.. hearing the "---xic" that sound.. even if i didnt hear the whole word, the "xic" sound gave it away. I was flooded with a mix of guilt, shame, embarrassment... and... pride..
but i never cried over boys. never cried over loneliness much.
never had real friends. never had boys boyfriends. never partied. never drank. never had those "college years"

all my fun started last year.. or whenever it was Kyle died.
so i still feel lost. when people talk about their college years. their high school scheming. their lovers. their first kiss.
i never had that
i had ED.. my ED..from 16-22.
and i still cant allow myslef to fully live.

every picture. ever ad. every person. i cant get out of that race. that battle. where i never win.
i see it in my upper arms. when my thighs brush each other. whenever i look in the mirror. whenever i wear a tight shirt and see that indent. whenever i am faced with a decision that has to do with food. whenever there is leftover food. toilets. people saying they havent eaten. putting my arms around myself. other people putting their arms around me. or even touching/poking me. whenever i look down. whenever i try on clothes. bagels. poptarts. Ensure. measuring tapes. scales. talking about weight. talking about fat. talking about calories. mentioning Salt Lake City or New Orleans. talking about high school or college fun. anyone smaller than me. anyone eating in a rush.. or pushing food around their plate. certain songs. names. belts. seeing a bony person.
all that
and much more bring me back. some more than others. some hit harder than others. some paralyze me to where i just want to hide away and cry. some make me want to not eat. vow to finish the day without anything more (which i usually come to my senses soon thereafter). some make me want to eat everything. some make me want to get lost in the woods-get away from all kinds of everyone.

anyway
blah blah blah

Why do i feel so disconnected?
Why do i get bad vibes from everyone on the island?
Why wont JP be hungry so i can actually COOK for him rather than him live off bagels with cream cheese and chips?
Why do i feel so lost?
Why do i feel so uncomfortable around certain people.. when i KNOW they have a gf and/or they KNOW i have a bf?
Why cant i let things go?
and on and on

Ok/
So i finally let myslef go
not LET MYSELF GO
but let myself go out with people.
well
i didnt really have a choice.. i worked from 5:30-5... and throughout the day various people came in and they asked me what my plans were for the night.. i invited them to call me
ONE came through.
he works for the ferries.. tells people where to go in the ferry lines and whatnot and just got his new Volkswagon Bus and wanted to take me for a ride. I told him what time i was going to get off work, and there he was. Waiting, with his 2 year old son, 10 month old daughter and a friend from off island.
it was rather odd.. i felt as though they were TOO friendly.. asking so many questions.. and Jared leaving me alone with the other guy so he could go smoke. Though i was under the influence, which may have affected my paranoidness, but i felt as though he were interviewing me.. coming on to me.. kind of thing.. BOTH of them constantly assuring me they were glad i was there or glad that i stayed for dinner etc.
I escaped.. feeling unsatisfied and wanting to go back to the comfort of my own little place.
Earlier, i had left my phone at work in the midst of rushing to finish so i wouldn't keep Jared waiting. (which added to my anxiety about hte situation due to the fact i DID NOT HAVE MY PHONE and for some reason it was my lifeline.. even though no one ever calls me.. JUST IN cASE this was the one night someone would call..)

I was at the grocery store and saw Captain Jacks friend, asked her to call him so if he was in town he could open the doors for me so i could get my phone.
He came. his eyes ablaze, a huge grin on his face.. an odd sort of grin.. a eerie sort of grin.
"mannn i am soo f**ed up on E right now" he nearly shouted. DANGER signs flashed in my head. He was quite reassuring, trying to be kind, trying trying to get me to go back with him to do some with him.. "You dont trust me?" ... "do you not feel safe around me?" "I will take care of you." "I wont let anything happen to you."
I ended up following him to this one house where there were 2 others who were just as far gone, if not more, than him.
I introduced.. dallied a bit.. chatted.. for like aminute and then made up some excuse about how i had to shower and get to sleep so i could work int he morning (WHICH WAS TRUE) and that i had just bought meat and cheese that needed to go back to the fridge (ALSO TRUE.. i am going to cook for JP)
anyway
he followed me..
intent on following me all the way home, despite my protests and assurances that i was fine
I got nervous.. scared.. how was i going to get out of this.. i dont want him following me home.. I know i cant fight him off.. etc etc.
we saw some people we work with across the street.. seeing an opportunity, i steered us over to them and as soon as he was engaged with htem i BOLTED.. weaved between houses and finally went on my way home...
...
I miss JP.
..
everyone i met here.. SO MUCH into drugs.. of all kinds.. it makes me feel uncomfortable.. drugs.. and teetering on sexual innuendos.. lots of cheating.. heavy flirting and beyond. quite heinous. It scares me and makes me kind of want to stay home and be safe.

is my song for the moment
it makes me sad
cuz i have heard JP say some of those things quite a few times..


and this song cant seem to escape me..
it plays on the radio countless times when i work.. when i am in the car (what little time i am in the car)

and i noticed that 5 out of the last 6 things i have colored/painted/drawn have had sunsets.. or sunrises.. not sure which one they are.. or if they mean anything..
I COULD go all art therapy on it.. but i choose not to

and my other dilemma
i need help here.. seriously.. ideas please??

Okay. SO>
JP and i go to the bar, either just him and i, or one other person tagging along.. one of the other guy guides from Crystal Seas. Most of the time he pays for his own, but he is low on money. so i buy a lot for him.. sit on the sidelines while he gets drunker.. plays pool.. granted.. most of the time they try to include me.. or he would come up to me randomly to hug me or whatnot, but i still feel so disconnected
because there they are.. involved.. doing.. playing.. INTERACTINg.. moving.. and im sitting on the sidelines
i never have been a fan of watching things.. i am not a good stander.. waiter.. watcher..
i want to do..
and usually there is no one else around for me to talk to.. and dont feel comfortable talking to new people.. if there even ARE any..
and i cant drink much because i need to make sure he gets home safe..
so i usually spend the night watching .. growing sad.. at first-yes- i am excited.. i buy myself a drink.. and then it wares off as i realize how disconnected i am from everyone. from everything. shut out? i dont know.
but i end up watching them playing pool.. everyone else (if there is anyone in there) .. fetching him drinks (with his,,but usually my money).. handing over money for him/them to play songs on the jukebox..
i LET it all happen to. cuz i WANT him to have fun. I dont want to be the spoil sport, but at the same time i want to be INVOLVED
anyway
i dont know if that is clear.. but.. any suggestions? or am i hopelessly hopeless

Wow.
okay
i dont even remember the last time i had time to write..
I was supposed to have from Monday-Thursday off.. which made me sad.. but each morning one of my co-workers would call me at 5:15 asking me to cover her shift.. or to get in there utnil she could take over..
That never started my days off well.. If she would have called the day BEFORE i could have prepared-sleep wise.. and gotten up in time to walk.. not RUN or have JP feel guilty so he would get up and drop me off.
But good money in tips..a nd am up to 52 hours which isnt bad when i was only scheduled so far for 29 hours, so extra hours=extra money AND more tips AND more people to talk with.
Though i do feel bad leaving JP with nothing to do
but even if i was there, what would we do?

food has been getting more frustrating to deal with. I feel as though i snack snack snack.. and always want to eat.. the comfort.. the pleasure.. the taste.. the crunch... the warmth..
the richness of the strawberry flavor in the smoothies.. with a drizzle of chocolate and a dab of whipped cream.. only enough left over for a shot glass.. or a frozen blended mocha, in a shot glass.. coupled with dizzying brain freezes.. throwing away food that people dont touch or barely eat is hard for me cuz i AM hungry.. but all i can manage is the leftovers from the blender.. because thats OK.. its nto a real meal.. its not someone elses half eaten stuff.. its MINE.
and then i get home and tempted by chips or Wheat Thins or Marshmallows.. cuz the chips and wheat thins are so powerful.. engulfing my taste buds with delicious flavor.. and the satisfying crunch.. the salty flavor leftover on my fingers as i franticly lick them off-trying to put the bag away.. and the marshmallows. so fluffy.. so PURE.. (though they really are no where NEAR Pure.. but to me. they are..)

and then cooking. I want to cook for JP, but i made Jambalaya from a box one time and he declared it too spicy (i had added a tad of Zatamarans. cuz i thought it needed a little extra something. I though it was DELICIOUS. but as soon as he said that, i felt torn between throwing the rest away and gorging myself on the rest of it. I saved it and threw it away the next day. THen came the chicken and rice.. he mentioned it was too (??) i forgot, but i messed up again. and i made him some hot chocolate for taking me to work.. it was "too watery".. and last night i wanted to cook for him again.. attempt to make something GOOD for once.. Alfredo from a a bag.. i forgot what its called, but im sure you've seen them. Of course, i couldn't just have it be from the bag, so i added some real parmesan, and this time it tasted "Weird"
shot down again
but he tried so hard to save himself.. going on and on as he was eating, "Did you go to Culinary school?... I need seconds I cant let this deliciousness go to waste... the Queen of the kitchen.." blah blah blah..
but the damage was done
because when you have an eating disorder, or at least MY eating disorder, MY COOKING for you is my loving of you. Its how i show love.. how i thank people.. and if I mess up every time then what good am i?
granted.. they were not BIG mess ups, but they still were losses.



BUT BUT BIUT
JACK OLESKER CAME IN AND I GOT TO SERVE HIM!
he actually came in with this really cute New Zeleander who was vegan so helped tailor his order so he could eat it.. my co-worker (whose gay) and i were talking about this New Zeleander and lalala
and then i went back and the older man started asking me if i ever slept with a care bear.. I was thining, WHAT kind of question is thaT?
ESPECIALLY because his first reaction to me coming to his table was, "Wowie! I dont need coffee this morning! I just need you as my waitress. Thank you for brightening my day!"
yea... so i was unsure of what he was getting at.
It turns out that HE wrote for Care Bears, Heidi, the Popples, Inspector Gadget, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, He-Man.. the Littles.. Rainbow Bright.. and he CREATED Mighty Morphin Power Rangers..
he worked on the screenplay for many disney movies, thumbilina, pocahauntus, little mermaid, etc.
I did not beleive him, but he peppered me with trivia and serenaded me theme songs to all of the above tv shows and movies..
I wrote his name down and looked it up when i got home and he is LEGIT.. face, name, claims to all he did..
I find that people like that, I admire more than any star out there. He is hte brains. HE CREATED kids heros.. kids fantasies.. imagine what kids world would be like without Care Bears,,, or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers..
i tried to buy his breakfast, but he wouldnt have it.
anyway :)
that was my excitement for the year.

WE made it!
I do love this location.. theres a window in front of the bed that looks over the Olympic Mountains (you do have to kind of look inbetween the trees)
and i woke up to a bunny outside my window..
BUT
the man who rented it to us.. I dont know if it is because he wasn't sure we were going to take it or not (we met with him for 15 minutes before he left to go to Mt Rainier then Europe) but the place is quite dirty.. IT could be just that he is a male.. an outdoorsy male.. that is used to camping...
but the fridge.. the stove.. the floor.. the windows.. the mirrors.. all need help..
ANd there is no cleaning liquids.. nor are there paper towels actually.

But
I still love it..
even though I did have to get up to go to the bathroom twice in the middle of hte night.. blindingly trying to find my way to the trailer outside and since the lights in the trailer don't work either;.. trying to navigate through the narrow space to the bathroom..
the "trailer" reminds me of my old boat.. Bongos :)

so i am going to have my work cut out for me.. CLEANING! i actually DO like cleaning.. i lke seeing the progress i make.. :)

and i ran into the owner of my workplace again yesterday.. JP and i were going to catch some Mexican food (but hte kitchen was closeD) and she was telling us that her friend missed the 8pm ferry.. couldnt get on the 9:45 ferry, nor the 10:55 ferry.. and was on wait for the 4 am ferry...
SO.. beginning of 4th of July weekend and the ferries are backed up nearly 4 ferries.. I dont know how many ferries there are between the 10:55 one and the 4 am one..
And she said she was talking to the manager of Dos Diablos and heard i was inquiring about a job.. I got nervous that she would get upset, or mad that i was trying to apply for another job somewhere, but she assured me that she said i was the best worker.. hardest worker.. cutest worker and enjoyed it the most.
I guess thats a good thing.
I will drop off my resume today on my way to work.

So we got the house on the "mountain"
We also went to see the sunset last night (pictures later.. my computers too slow to get them on now..) down on the West Side.. OOhh wow..
We even saw fireworks over across the water in Victoria!! (Canada Day was yesterday)
breathtaking..,
once again.. views of Olympic Mountains.. then up to Victoria.. Vancouver island.. plus some of the san juan islands nearby.. the water and the sky changed.. morphed colors.. simotanesouly.. one side was soft blues. purples.. the other was vivid, bright oranges and reds..

And the day before I dragged him off to Lime Kiln with me.. Such jagged rocks along the shore!! Good thing theres a lighthouse!
there was a group of tourists that were chatting excitedly.. i moved in closer as they were scanning an area with their binoculars.. they saw an ORCA!! I peered closer
it was a bunch of kelp floating a ways off shore.
poor things
He climbed up some big rocks.. bouldering.. I had flip flops.. so my attempts literally flopped..
oh well
we go back again when i have shoes that work

Work.. now it has gone down to only Firday-Sunday :(
I was sad.. started picking up applications and whatnot.. and then ran into the lady that owns Church hill (and the local bar, Herbs) at Herbs.. i told her my delima.. nonchalantly.. and she got quite confused.. "You ONLY work 3 days a week? You shouldnt have to get another job.."
and it ended up she bought JP and i a drink... yet i still dont know if she is going to try to get me more hours.. if i should try to get myself more hours.. or if i should get another job.. for variety..

ANYWAY.. picking up a shift today.. and then moving in later tonight :)

I got the call today.. from ChildHaven..
No Job.
They found someone else
and it doesnt matter that I was thinking of not taking the job..
I hadnt necessarily blocked it out of my mind
but
i really needed that affirmation
that i can work with kids
that i can get a real job
that i can function in society
that i can be "mainstream"

apparently not

reject after reject after reject.
Maybe working with kids is not for me after all..
what now?