Oh wow... we went down to Cattle Point last night after dinner..
(of course i got frustrated cuz i had told him we should go earlier.. but no.. he wanted to go at 7:45 at night..)
but thats okay
it was amazing
I am glad we went
and would recommend it to everyone..
I dont know if it is the TIME we went (nearing sunset) or the fact we hadnt done much since i got off work except watch a documentary..
But
we saw Foxes (foxi).. some were dark brownish black with a little white tuft at the end.. and then a scrawny bronze colored one.. and deer right at the side of the road and frolicking in the fields of dull tan grass.. a bald eagle perched on the edge of the rocky ledge peering down at the water looking for his dinner.. bunnies skiddaddling around away from the road..
and there were trails.. with spit bugs leftvovers along the side of the trail.. blackberry bushes turned to feilds of tall wheat type grass blowing and bending in the breeze.. with little rocks jutting up from the ground.. as you got closer to the sea, rocky legdges emerged.. the sea was vast and blue.. Olympic Peninsula on straight ahead... Canada to the right.. Victoria and BC.. down by the lighthouse you could also see Lopez Island.. pictures could NOT take in how breathtaking it was.. atleast for me.. the rush of the sea as it broke against the rocks below.. with a little cove off to one side (Grandma's Cove) with its mildly rocky beach and ivory white driftwood.. the other side was more rocky ledges, with a little clan of sea birds crowded around in a circle in the water.. JP said that usually when birds clump together like that you will likely see a Minke Whale.. because they feed on the same thing and if the birds found it, the Whale is soon to track it down..
I was happy.
EXCEPT my camera ran out of batteries.. :(
and i could get no picture of the eagle.. or the spit bugs.. or the veiw.. or Canada.. or the black and orange stripped bugs making love on the trail.. the bunnies.. and later the sunset..

Documentary #1
Bigger Stonger FAster
It was about steroid use in America.. body builders and their use.. as well as branching out to Olympic Atheletes.. Gym rats.. how Tiger Woods "cheateD" by getting Lasik Surgery to get his vision to 20/10 ... its neither pro- nor anti- steroids.. just gives both sides of the story in a pretty fair view.. Floyd Landis slept in an altitude chamber in order to provide him with more white (or red i forgot) blood cells so that he could function better when the Tour De France came and he won.. but was stripped of his title.. he also touches on Hulk Hogan.. but mostly Arnold Scrawzenegger, Sylvester Stalone and the like.. i never would have chosen this, thats for sure.. body builders make me cringe.. i dont think they look good AT ALL.. and they even had the man with the biggest biceps ever.. I was appalled..

Documentary #2
Ghosts of Cite Soleil
An interesting, intense look at Haiti in 2004.. how the president paid/hired local gangs to beat up/get rid of/smash local anti0government groups and protesters.. guns.. everyone had guns.. kids were running around with no clothes.. in the dirty streets.. there was gangster/rap music all over.. guns guns guns.. heavy rap influence.. Wycleaf Jean was even in it.. talking to one of the gang leaders.. I cringed a few times at the sight.. its quite humbling


We got a day off together.. we were going to go to Orcas island to explore.. but got sidetracked last night when we went to check out this new opportunity.. a cute little house up on the "mountain" with a view.. lots of free space.. it made me dream hapy.. but i dont know if we are goign to go there.. and if we do.. will it allow for my happyness?

Things have been pretty smooth sailing.. The only time i have cried in the past 3 days was at work..
and it was because of many mini-mistakes.. like forgetting to ask what kind of bread for their toast or what cheese for their omelet and having the cook-lady remind me that every time i go back to the customers to ask something it makes me look bad.. and gets on their nerves.. and I was working the 11 hour shift.. and spilt water on the table, coming quite close to this nice mans computer (we had a nice, pleasant, joking conversation earlier.. we BONDED.. and then i nearly broke his computer) and i couldn't find the credit card slip so i freaked out and started going through all the garbage trying to see through the blur of my tears... and still had to ring up my customers because the other waitress refused to deal with them because she is not a people person and didnt know what they ordered.. so i had to ring up 2 sets of customers with tears streaming down my face and i couldnt even talk.. and to make it worse i kept giving back the wrong change...
UNTIL i realized it was on the other side of the table where the man with the computer was..
and i went into the bathroom and cried for a good 10 minutes
and i was fine
relieved..

and I still crave all kinds of delicious... and flavorful chips.. and munch on all kinds of things.. (a small handful of cheese here and there at work,.. the leftovers of smoothies with a generous portion of whipped cream.. 3 gummi worms here.. 4 mike and ikes there.. a pinchful of broken tortilla chips there... etc.) but no MEALS... so therefore my mind is overwhelmed with the VASTNESS of what i ate.. and have no idea of the actual QUANTITY because i focus on HOW many DIFFERENT.. blowing it out of proportion.

The documentaries are going GREAT.
i suppose..
though most of hte movies we rent he watches while i am at work.. or i fall asleep during because i am so tired..
and then wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning to mosey off to work..

We watched one on Ingrid Newkrik and Peta.. wow.. some of the images in that are quite disturbing.. I had to divert my eyes.. and the extremes Peta goes to get their message across.. which only makes everyone appalled at them.. NOT necessarily listening to their message, but writing them off as crazy or whatnot.
We watched quite a few on Mt Everest and different adventures up there...
Wetbacks making it from down in South America.. Guatamala and whatnot.. swimming across the water to get to the US and the crazy farmers that live nearby that wait in the bushes with guns and radios to call in the PoPo..
Che Guevara.. what an interesting man.. and to me, seems to be a morphing of a REALLY cute/hot guy.. and a neandrathal.. we followed him through his time in medical school where he traveled around witnessing the extreme poverty.. decided to do something about the fact that it was a result of the government, capitalism, imperialism.. became a revolutionary.. with guerilla tactics... i dont really remember a whole lot because to tell you the truth i fell asleep about 45 minutes into it and woke up with 30 minutes left.. where his little troop was down to like 7.. and then they split up.. and then they were caught.. and though we wanted to take him alive,, word was sent from the cuban government to have him killed right then and there.. claiming he was killed due to battle wounds.. so they shot him.. and then the famous photo was taken.. and his quest "for new man" driven by "moral" rather than "material" incentives,
and more..
oh..
and Captain Ron.. and The Gods Must Be Crazy..
oldies but goodies..


and i had a stalker.. followed me home.. came into the house.. i didnt invite him in and he proceeded to sit on the bed,.. asking me over and over what i liked to do for fun...agreeing completely wiht everything i said, even if i contradicted myself 3 statements later.. and kept asking why i wouldn't sit down by him.. asking him why i was so far away.. but it was okay because he didnt mind watching me where i was.... i was seriously a little scared... how would i get him to leave?
I finally said.. in a stern voice.. "I AM GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER" ... and his eyes glowed.. and he got the message.. and backed away and slowly made his way out.. with the awkward door moment where he hung in the doorway for awhile, b.s.ing.. slowly moving back in the house.. I shut the door.

nightmares came again.. SO vivid.. SO real..

and the acoustic guitar man is my friend on facebook.. and i see him every once in awhile.. beautiful voice.. quite cute.. and i learned lives less than 50 feet from me.. and is Shay's friend (Shay is the son of the people i live with)
but still havent said a word to him in person (shy me) though we have exchanged some interesting emails.. :)

and the guy at the bar that JP scared away.. I see him from time to time as im walking.. he still calls me gorgeous.. asks "Wheres your boyfriend? Why do you have to walk around alone all the time?"..

i am too easily entranced by people... perplexed.. transfixed.. confused.. tantalized. all and everything..

So...
Jps coming back today
And iM excited..
what do i have to tell him that i did while he was gone?
ate cocoa and marshmallows every night in order to calm my soul... gave out my number for people who said they were going to call.. and never received a call.. worked.. went back to work when i was off work.. spent $61 on groceries.. most that i am not going to eat.. made friends with the acoustic-guitar-man but never actually TALKED to him still..
And he..
he kayaked every day.. miles.. tired, exhausted.. then had to cook for them.. then had to blha blha blha
a lot of complaining.. whining.. which is to be expected..
and i wANT to be excited for him.. to be happy for him... that he saw this.. or someone did that.. or he met someone that...
but instead i feel sad..
BECAUSE I COMPARE
and i am never up to par..
NOT EVEN CLOSE
and i cant even accept an invitation to hang out..
here is how the texting went..
HER: Wanna Hang out?
ME: I would like.. Where you at?
HER: Where are you?
Me: Down ARgyle street.. but about to head back downtown to wander the marina.. or something..

and nothing more..
i guess she thought i would rather walk around the marina?
and i did go to the Convalescent Cente.r.
but admitted the truth.. that we weren't looking for work in the fall and would 98% be leaving the island.. and i didnt want to break community after being there for so long.. (well.. 2 months..) BUT I understand how these older people.. the convalescent cetner is their home.. and the nurses.. the CNAs.. the janitors.. are all part of their EVERYDAY life.. they LIVE there.. and so if one LEAVES.. its a mini death..
and i dont want to do that
and i would rather work with kids
so i put in a volunteer application at the Island Rec center and at the Nature Institute.. hoping to hear back soon..

and left work at 12.. wandered to the library.. wandered back.. remembered that i forgot milk.. bought milk and bagels for him.. walked back to the house.. walked back to town.. wandered into work.. and kept working until close.. which i had to stay late behind because some guy took a pooh right at 4:55/. that somehow stunk up everything and everywhere.. and a mom gave her baby child a muffin.. therefore the muffin was all over in crumbles in a 6 foot diameter circle around the high chair.. and the brown table looked like it had little white stars on it..

and then walked home.. getting sadder.. deeper by the second.

and the WHOLE DAY
i was wandering around.. half walking, half drifting. with bits of dancing thrown in... with my huge headphones.. dreaming and singing and wishing..

and i would so much rather be at work..

I allowed myself to buy clothes
and was happy with the results..
Today was a satisfying day.. i suppose..
I got to play with my camera :)

ITS COUCHSURFING!!

so weird..
how i can be so at peace with things one minute.. look in the mirror without turning away..
and then suddenly a little voice.. a little reminder..
"Captain Jack never called you.. he promised.. twice.. he doesn't really want to hang out with you.. you denied him on Sunday.. why would he continue trying?"
"Natty never called tonight. She was just trying to be nice, as she is to all of the customers."
I tried not to get my hopes up
both times
And people wonder why i have trust issues.
True, Captain Jack did come up to me quite a few times Sunday asking me to come out with him and some friends on his boat for his birthday..
I was quite noncommittal.. I admit it.. "I dont know/..." and then rushing off to do something else
I didn't mean to shoot him down
I just get scared.. nervous.. there will be a lot of people there.. i dont want to be shut out again.. i dont want to be left in the dark.. the only one no one talking to..
Did he really want me to come?
If so he would have called, right?
I put potential friends through "tests"and i dont mean it
and when they fail.. EVEN THOUGH THEY DONT KNOW ITS A TEST
i am devastated.

I do want to go test out my new camera tomorrow .
hitch hike down to Lime Kiln ot do some hiking.. some picture taking.. some exploring..
a whole day of no work
no JP
no plans
no friends

I just wish i would have been smart enough to ask for Natty or Captain Jack's phone number.. ask if i could have some company when i go out hiking..

LOVE THIS SONG!!

"Hard to Concentrate" by Red Hot Chilli Peppers
All I want is for you to be happy
And take this moment to make you my family
And finally you have found something perfect
And finally you have found…

its beautiful
to me
i dont know what it means to anyone else
but those words
"All i want is for you to be happy"
i have heard that so much lately..

and then my other REd Hot Chilli Song,...
"Tell Me Baby"
Tell me baby what's your story
Where you come from
And where you wanna go this time
Tell me lover are you lonely
The thing we need is
Never all that hard to find
Tell me baby what's your story
Where do you come from
And where you wanna go this time
Your so lovely are you lonely
Giving up on the innocence you left behind

2 things i can think of right now that would make me estastic...
tickets and a way to get to Phish at the Gorge in August..
tickets to Red Hot Chili Peppers

Hes gone for 4 days now.
No one to come home to
But I will be okay...
I do love work. I am happy at work.
I just need to figure out how to bring that happy home.
Whenever I come back from work, I am so tempted to just eat everything in the house.
Not that I am hungry.. because I do make sure to eat a bowl of soup or some tortilla chips or some roasted potatoes.. (not a meal though...)
I dont know what it is.. Just the need to fill the void.. to satisfy that crunch..
and its not like i eat A LOT.. just in my head it is,, its mainly "tasting" or sampling many different things.. and then i look back and look at the number of DIFFERENT things.. not the total amount..

I am still going to the Convalescent Center Thursday.
To test it out
To figure out what I might be getting myself into... to see the pay.. the residents.. how they react to me.. how i feel after being in that setting for a bit.. when the "training" will be over and the actual Certification is..

But I do know I can get by just waitressing.. LOVE it more.. talk to more people.. etc.
but I just feel the pressures from my parents.. for the resume.. to have a REAL job on my resume.. for future jobs.. waitressing is NOTHING in terms of work when you want to get a real job later on.. I guess in references it would work..

Sunday was RIDICULOUS
I was supposed to go in at 7.. but got a call at 5 am.. the other girls car would not start.. and so she needed me to go in and open... she would get there when she could.
Whatever. I thought. rolled out of bed and headed to work. things were slow if anything at first.. then came a small rush.. I could handle it.. then people started lining up.. waiting for their coffees.. sitting down.. waiting for me to come to them.. the people that HAD come and eaten had left.. tables were dirty..
and i was the only one.. the dear cook ended up bringing orders out for me until it got too busy..
It turns out, the owners husband and 2 girls had come in for their Fathers Day Breakfast.. saw the chaos.. saw that I was on alone.. and stepped in to help.. with the older girl at the cash register, writing out the coffee orders for me to crank out.. and the food for the cook.. the dad and younger daughter cleaned tables and did dishes (which were teetering over in heaps of dirty dishes, half eaten food, half full waters, disregarded coffee.. which i hadn't had time to clean so simply set it into the sink)
And I had no idea who they were.. I thought it was a little weird that some random family stepped in so diligently.. every time the cook walked behind me as I was brewing, steaming, pouring, etc. he would pat me on the back and reassure me that I was doing awesome..
things finally slowed down around 11:30.. and the 2 relief people came in.. one left within a half hour.. because there was "nothing to do".. well it was because he didnt come at 8 like he was supposed to.. and I had slowly made time to do dishes. clean tables, etc. as things slowed and the family left
I made $68 in tips.. from 5:30-12 and forgot to get my tips from 12-3 (there was atleast 20 in the jar which would have been split with the girl who sat behind the counter asking me to wait tables for her because she didnt want to talk to people she didnt know)

ANYWAY
I LOVE chaos
I thrive
I feel needed.. wanted... like i have a purpose.. etc.

Now.. I watch Les Miserables..

But Yet I am Still sAd.. and for no reason in particular..
but many reasons... small reasons..
as usual..
the yearn to have friends.. to not be lonely.. to not be sad.. to love life again.. to be able to feel comfortable with others.. to not get nervous/skeptical when i am alone with others-potential friends..constantly never being able to be comfortable..

AND why is it that the only thing that I can legally use as an escape is something that is QUITE risky to my life
(drinking and liver transplant patinets=not good combination)

but i cant smoke because its illegal and all of the jobs I want/need require testing..
and blah blah blah

and i keep 2nd guessing..
Do i really want to work at the Convalescent center"?
Is it really what I want to be doing? or is it what SOCIETY/MY PARENTS want me to be doing (GET A JOB!)... at the detriment of fun...
I mean
I guess things might not be that bad
but the thought of spending all day long with a bunch of half comotose old people.. changing their sheets, etc.
does not really equate to fun.. or excitement to work. or whatnot..

BUT I LOVE WAITRESSING

Okokokok.
I love children
and no one can hold a baby.. with its chubby pink cheeks and wide gazing eyes without giving them a kiss on the cheek..
I loved being with kids again
but the place was similar to every other preschool in certain ways.. the way they handled certain things.. nap time procedures... and the fellow teachers were not too welcoming at all.. only two of the 8 talking to me in the whole 3 days I was there.. and one was because she was the teacher I was "following"..
the kids were adorable.. but you could tell that many of them had deeper issues.. defiance and aggression with a vacant look.. clinging to anyone and everyone except children their age. violently shaking their wrist high in the air, as though threatening to come down on my shoulder, etc.
we got to pick them up in our vans.. strap the kiddos in their seats.. and then unbuckle and walk then 2 at a time to their classrooms.. and same procedure on the way home.. so they were only at the center from 9:30-2:15 with a 2 hour nap and half hour lunchtime.. and 15-25 minute snack..
I came away feeling let down.. confused.. incomplete. unsatisfied... lost.. as though i did noting all day.. even though I was there on the ground with them investigating bugs, questioning if they ate marshmallows that fell on the floor and where the sane came from that was beneath the sticks.. etc.
I also got to stay with old family friends.. pretty much my 2nd parents.. and it was nice.. refreshing.. comforting..

And by the time Thursday ran around i was ready to go back.. the 2 and a half hour bus ride to the ferries.. then 2 hour ferry ride because the last ride of hte night goes to EVERY island before Friday Harbor (only 3 other ones.. but i wanted to be home NOW)

arrived at 10:40.. showered, couldnt sleep til 1:20.. woke up at 4:45 to get to work at 5:30.. and straight ahead til 2:30.. we were BUSY!!! soo no rest.. no sit down til i got home at 3... and then repeat today.. except for the fact i had a migraine last night that kept me up til 2:30 r so..
but i like it here
im going to make it
i enjoy it here... i feel more at peace now
but still sometings missing

good good good

the movie helped..

The Hangover..
i laughed sooo loud
soo much

and i feel clearer
still
and that was yesterday
i feel more at peace
even tho he was gone all day packing for his multi day training... off to kayak for 3 days.. packing all day.. and then more whale training at night (a seminar)..
so i walked
walked
walked and read
read
about Janis Joplin
about Body Language
((had a quite a BUMP in the day when i got home tonight at 6 tho.. and i hate how that toilet can't flush..))
and closed the day video chatting to my bestest friend, Emily.. flooded with peace once again.. nostalgia, yes,.. wishing i could be there,yes.. but seeing and talking to her helped too
and then
watching "If We Hold On Together" from my favorite old move.. Land Before Time.. over and over
remembering life back when i first saw that movie.,. how young.. naive.. innocent.. how pure the laughter was.. how the worst thing that could happen was I scraped my knee.. or struck out in softball/tee ball or missed kicking the ball away from the opponent in Soccer..
now its food, life, future, jobs, etc.
but
like i said
i am at peace
and about to embark on a week of STUFF
Mon: work 6:30-3.. ferry: 4-5:30... bus: 6:55-9:45
then picked up by my 2nd family that lives in Normandy Park (my dads friends from college who we pretty much did most all fun things together)
Tue: training 7:30-4
Wed: training 7:30-4
Thurs: training 7:30-4.. bus: 5-7:45.. ferry 8:25-10:35
Fri: work 5:30-2
Sat: work 5:30-2
Sun and Mon 7-5

..so.. atleast i wont be sitting around ALL day...

im trying NOT to be in the mindset where i have to EARN every bite of food.. i DO feel better eating if i have DONe something.. walked.. etc. the more i walked that day, the more at ease i am when it comes to eating.. and afterwards.. and feelings of worth..
ANYWAY
I AM OK
I AM FEELING AT PEACE
things are looking hopeful.. its close..

im avalanching downhill again
atleast i got a glimpse.. a hope.. a thread..
work was wonderful.. slightly busy in the morning hours.. working with the 2 ladies I worked with before.. one was a cook.. and was baking the scones.. we got to sample the savory cheddar, bacon and green onion scone.. ohhh wow.. I LOVE that cheesy bready crumbly crust on it..
I waited tables mostly.. trying to stay out of the other lady's way as she managed the coffees in such a way that made me think i was rushing her or getting in her way..
then she left at noon.. her replacement came in.. and then left for the rest of the day...
My first REAL day on the job.. and I was on my own.. not having made an actual coffee for a customer yet..
I was nervous, yes... but took my time (well the most time you can take while making coffee and not letting the milk sit too long or the shots of expresso sit to long.. or the grounds sit too long in the percolator.. etc.).. it is rather a multitasking job.. intimidating at first..
grinding the beans into the fine grain by pulling the lever until it piles onto the percolator just so.. just enough.. then arching your finger.. taking off the excess.. pressing down with the presser with the amount of pressure "so your back leg just barely comes off the floor"... and tapping it on the side so that the grinds loosen a little.. then plugging it up into the machine.. lining up the shot glasses so that the liquid expresso drips just so.. into the glasses and not off to the side.. turning it on.. making sure the shot looks fine.. with the creme on top.. a rich dark expresso color with a rich layer of creme on top..
and simultaneously pouring the milk into a cold pitcher (not too much.. NO WAsTAGE! and not too little.. or that will throw EVERYTHING off) ... letting the little steamer cough out remnants of its last steaming.. putting it down to the very bottom of the cold pitcher.. turning on the steamer.. slowly raising it to the top of the steamer is just barely above the milk line, frothing it.. 2-3 seconds for a latte or mocha.. 5 or so for a wet cappuccino.. 8 or so for a dry cappuccino.. heat it up to 140 degrees.. then turn off the machine and let it coast up to 160 or so.. tap it on the counter to get rid of some of the bigger bubbles on top..
and time it just right.. so as soon as you pour the shots into the cup (NO WAITING.. DONT LEAVE THEM WAITING.. AS SOON AS THEY ARE DONE POUR THEM DOWN.).. and then goes in the steamed milk.. and topping it off with the foam..
and then the cleaning... etc. etc.
And then the lingo..
"A double tall mocha-ccuino lite on the foam-extra hot"
was my first order.. i was stumped..
FIRST THINGS FIRST.. "A 16 oz right? With three shots?"
he looked at me as if i were the biggest dimwit in the world "..yea.. this IS a coffee shop, right?"
I agreed, and continued making what I thought was a mocha-ccuino..
and on and on.. more and more.. and smoothies.. which required a good 5 minutes of turning on the blender.. and shaking it up and down to get the ice to the bottom so that it will all blend.. with no chunks.. and with no measuring thingie to measure out how much smoothie mix and yogurt... and forgetting how much ice to put in..
so basically i BSed everything today.
and it worked.
"This REALLY IS the best coffee in town!"
"LOOK AT ALL THAT WHIPPED CREAM ON MY SMOOTHIE!!" .. "Mines got MORE than yours.." (i know how to cater to the kids..)
etc. etc.

and then i walked to the library.. and back..
so i was on my feet.. walking, standing, sweeping, cleaning, etc. from 9:30-7
and i still feel lazy
and
I still feel as though i have to earn every bite
and since i got home.. slow tumble downhill
and then faster
and faster
and the avalanche.
and im down and out
again

I keep careening back and forth in decisions..
.. I think i can make it happen here..
... what am i ever going to do for fun here?... can i actually make friends with the people here? Every time I say hello to a passerby they barely acknowledge me. The tourists do. I can hit it up with the tourists.. but as far as locals.. no response-positive or negative..
.. but once things start kicking.. i will be busy... right? too busy to do too much.. working at the coffee shop place from 6:30-1 and then the Convalescent Center from 2-10.. see.. no time! busy busy busy! doing doing doing!
right?

or move off to seattle.. which PART of me wants.. but I do think i would miss him.. a lot.. he is my world.. and each other is all we have pretty much

We went out with 2 older ladies last night.. he gave them his phone number when he was out on one trip.. they were looking for some fun and singled him out as someone that would be fun to hang out with.. he is known for older ladies being attracted to him.. so you can imagine how excited i was to go.. ESPECIALLY since he didnt even mention that I was coming..
it turned out to be quite a night..
they bought dinner and shared it with all of us
I realize i do LOVE Salmon :)
and drinks.. and we talked.. and they had been traveling in Europe together for the past 2 months.. and then drove up from Southern California up to Alaska,, but got stopped at the border because supposedly one of the ladies had a DUI from 7 years ago... and charges like that had to be 10 years ago...
Anyway.. we ended up at the local bar.. where he played pool straight from 8pm to 10:30.. and I sat.. stood.. bored.. while the 2 ladies occasionally coming to chat for a few spare minutes between chattin up the men.. I laid my head on my hands for awhile because i was bored.. sad.. lonely.. some guy came up to me and started talking.. "I just couldn't stand to see a pretty girl like you look so sad." etc etc. he wasn't drunk either.. I only had one drink.. back at 8.. but i wanted to drink sooo bad,.. but i knew i had to drive him back.. he was having the time of his life.. and came up to the other dude and i when we were talking-slung his arm around me and introduced himself as my bf.. the guy left quite soon after and didnt say another word.. no one else talked.. i was too sad to talk to anyone..
taking a quick break from pool/going outside he came to me and handed me a $5 asking me to get him one last drink.. so i tried.. and the bartender said that since i had put my head on the counter he couldnt serve me.. even though I hadn't even had a drink at that bar (I had the drink at the dinner place)
Of course.. i started crying right then and there..

but i love reading. I have a book on Janis Joplin.. and a book on the history of Haight-Ashbury.. but it is quite triggering.. because i want so bad to be there.. to do what they do.. etc. ohhh to clear my mind from my brain..

:(
I hate decisions
i hate that i have to think and over think and analyze things way too much
and i am frustrated that i cant leave him
and that he doesnt know what hes going to do after the summer
the jobs that i want to do.. that i need for my medical insurance are long-term commitment jobs.
like the ChildHaven place in Seattle. I didn't go to the 3 day training. I chickened out. I hate interviewing.. waiting.. getting my hopes up..

Position Title: Therapeutic Child Care Worker

SUMMARY

Responsible for organizing a developmentally appropriate room in a Therapeutic Child Care program for abused and neglected children. Responsibilities include: overseeing general room operations, facilitating teamwork in planning and carrying out activities between yourself and other co-workers, and the coordination of planning developmentally appropriate activities which meet the individual needs of young children between the ages of 1 month to 5 years.

ESSENTIAL DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES include the following. Other duties may be assigned.

Oversee the weekly planning which incorporates group and individual activities to meet appropriate developmental needs of young children, and aids individual children in reaching goals outlined in their Individualized Treatment Plan (ITP).

Model and interact with children to build relationships which foster the development of positive self esteem, self confidence, and communication skills, and coordinate assigning children to primary caregivers.

Demonstrate and model consistent room and van management and guidance techniques which foster the development of positive self image in children, which include, but are not limited to: setting age appropriate limits, redirecting, positive reinforcement, choices, and systematic attention and approval; and encouraging the development of conflict resolution and problem solving skills.

Observe and record emotional and physical conditions of individual children on a daily basis

Interact with parents in a positive, supportive manner at all times

Drive or assist on van routes on a regularly scheduled basis and transport vans for maintenance when needed. I would drive to the childrens houses in the sketchiest areas of Seattle.. walk to the door.. and retrieve the children, as well as drop them off in the afternoon

Upgrade job performance and personal skills by participating in Childhaven in-service trainings, attending related conferences, courses, or seminars, and reading job related journals and periodicals. they will give me $300 a year worth of training/workshops PLUS $50 per year for books

Work cooperatively as a team member as demonstrated

Responsible to comply with the agency's policy and procedure regarding the identification and reporting of child abuse.



with really good medical insurance/benefits.. paid time off.. paid holidays.. 8 hours sick leave per month.. accidental death insurance after one year.. free bus pass.. $13.95 an hour.. 7:30-4


And then the CNA job here.. which will start once hte background check is done.. 2-10pm starting off.. then once training is done its 10pm-6am.. I didn't look into nor ask about the benefits or pay.. but 8 hour shifts 4-5 days per week.. I am not SUPER excited about taking care of old people.. but AM excited at talking to them.. interacting (which I imagine I wont get to do much of due to my other duties-which include bathing, changing sheets, bedpans, etc.) but it will be a good springboard for wherever I move to next.. though if i did do the CNA i bet the benefits wouldnt kick in until a good 90 days after..

And i need medical insurance.. my mom and dad ALWAYS.. EVERY SINGLE TIME i call them bring it up.. that with my pre-existing condition.. the liver transplant with its medicine and blood work and the POSSIBILITY that i MIGHT go downhilll at ANY TIME and need to be hospitalized for something liver-transplant related..

And my friend in San Fran wants me to stay with her.. i would love friends.. and she is a beautiful soul,.. kindered spirit.. has gotten me through a lot.. no job prospectives yet.. but I can find something..

And my parents want me to come home and live with them.. but i would have no car.. and that place is triggering.. too much food.. but at the same time i love them soo much

And everyone wants me to go to school again.. but i dont know what I would want to do.. cuz one day i think Psychology.. then Art Therapy.. then Art Teacher.. then Nursing..

WHAT DO I WANT FROM LIFE!??!?!?

We might be going to Seattle today!!!
he claims that he isnt going to go ona kayak tour.. that he doesnt need to go on one..
but who knows.. i have a right to be skeptical, yes?

The barista job doesnt come again til Thursday :(
I had a lot of fun bustling around on Friday with it.. learning the machine some more.. people kept piling in.. the 2nd lady left.. the fridge got swapped so we had to scurry between getting things out of the fridge before he got the new fridge in, taking orders, running orders, getting out of the refidgerator mans way, making smoothies/coffees...
then is slowed
and the other shift girl came in
and i had to leave
:(
9-12:30.. time of bliss.. forgetting the bad.. concentrating on doing.. connecting with those out there.. tending to them.,, making and tasting exquisite coffees... frozen caramel latte.. hazelnut mocha.. blended frozen chai.. blended mint chocolate mocha.. and i got to taste all of those (either leftovers from the batch or they were made for people behind the counter..

next was the whale museum where i met him.. he was studying up on orcas and minke whales and other creatures that frequented this area.. so he could prove his knowledge.. library we went to later where we both examined books on tidepooling (LOVE DOING THAT!!!)) and other sea creatures....
I am proud of him
Yesterday he did 2.. one at 10.. one at 6

While the 10 oclock one was going on, i drove down to Lime Kiln Park.. which is the only state park dedicated to whale watching.. or the premier spot for whale watching from shore..
anyway.. i attempted the state park before.. which was just camping and kayak launching.. the only small beach they had was shut down and closed off due to a elephant seal taking over the shore while it participated in its yearly molting process...
I think thats what I read.. .
Lime Kiln.. its right on the Haro Straight which the Orcas use to frolic and consider as their home.. theres a lighthouse (theres a board there telling the last sighting of whales in the area) if you walk one direction and Dead Mans Cove if you walk the other.. I walked out past the lighthouse out to the Lime Kiln fields/mining area.. went out past the state park boundaries.. pretty pretty breathtaking views when the trees let up.. and then realized i had no idea where I was nor where the trail was taking me.. so i turned and went back..
You see, i am not a hiker nor a walker
I am an explorer..
i am curious..
and i pause for the picturesque views and sights even though my camera still is dead to the world
DEFINITELY stop by if you have a chance to go to San Juan Island.. it is CERTAINLY worth the trip.. even if you do not see whales.
douglas firs, madronas, snowberries, foxes

At the library i rented Deer Hunter... wow.. that is one movie i will most certainly not forget..
my dad told me to get it.. as did my mom.. so i did... its a little slow starting.. but wow does it pack a punch
Also, i have the controversial Midnight Cowboy.. which should be interesting..
when you have nothing else going in your life, why not brush up on some oldies but goodies? some documentaries?

i investigate..

"Precious"
Mmmm...
coming to theaters november 2009...
and Yes. that is Mariah Carey...



"Life is Hot in Cracktown"
June 26, 2009



"My sisters Keeper"
probably one of the saddest book i have ever read..
June 26, 2009


"Where the Wild Things Are"
MY FAVORITE BOOK THAT AT THE SAME TIME GAVE ME NIGHTMARES THAT ENDED UP WARM FUZZIES!!
October 16, 2009'


"THe Ugly Truth"
I do like that scruffy man.. i think.. sometimes.. and that song is by Mika.. :) he makes me smile
July 24, 2009

not a very exciting day
...
i did get a library card.. he was content reading all day.. so i was about to jet out and walk around by myself.. but he decided he would tag along
and we did have fun
or atleast i did
i couldn't bring myself to let him buy me ice cream.. because he wasn't going to have any and because i knew there would be dinner/?? later..
but we walked around the marina.. such pretty boats.. watching the ferry come in and out
he got tired/hot soon and we headed back to the car to wait for his boss to call.. they were going to meet up for "lunch" tho it was 3
I left him and walked around on my own... exploring the liqueur store,.. Ace Hardware (free little bag of popcorn).. seeing what Curves was all about.. thrift store.. and the MarketPlace to get some gummis.. spending wayy too much time contemplating the wine bottles.. wondering which was good.. would i regret paying $7 for one that looked interesting? i never got one

He picked me up.. the talk was about how the boss loved his kayak skills.. had Him booked up for hte summer.. but needed Him to cut his hair.. talking about how He was going to be working with busisnessmen and enviornmentalists and they wouldnt take to someone "from the south like you"

so i tried looking for other work for him.. wondeirng if he was going to give up or not
so far hes still here... going to prove them

the family had a BBQ with angel food cake, strawberries and whipped cream
it was a sweet gesture considering how id just moved in the day before..
their son, his friend and his girlfriend were there.. it was a little awkward, but i enjoyed talking.. communicating.. being.. connecting..
i hope things are on their way up

tomorrow i start my barista training...
excited.. :)

We moved into his house.. that mans.. spent the entire day in our room.. the 4 walls..
but we did go down for a wallk to Jackson beach.. soo pretty.. soo warm... with the driftwood of my childhood.. so easy to make forts.. to attempt to glue together with a little floating light on it and send it out in Sequim Bay to see which boat lasted longest

and im torn
my dad doesnt like the idea that i am wasting my life away doing menial jobs like waitressing.. I understand.. and agree-to a degree.. I LOVE it.. i get to make good money..(ish) and i get to talk to people.. learn things (how to cook, bake, learn things from people..etc)
I AM still holding out for the CNA training here.. they haven't called me back.. i really should call them..
I also stil have the opportunity to do the ChildHaven thing in Seattle.. but I still am figuring out how to get there.. if i want to take that chance.. what if i DO get it? I would have to drop everything ive created here (not that I have much just yet.. but things ARE happening)
I have a job as a barista (starting Friday.. or at least "orientation" is tomorrow at 9am) I get to learn how to make REAL coffee. expresso, latte, mocha, with the steamers and percolator and all the other things.. the boss lady is very passionate about her coffee.. as most Seattle-ites are (or NW WA-ers)
And i am meeting His co-workers.. they accept me to the point that they dont shun me and invite me along when they invite him.. tho they are probably just being polite..
And I have figured out the grocery store.. where to get the cheapest this and the best tasting that
And getting a library card
And we finally found a place.. thats lonely.. or could be.. awkward where we are the only ones that know each other.. so we cling to that
I realize we have been though a LOT together
hes soooo much better.. light shining in his eyes.. DOING things.. for me and for him.. his personality is back... his laughter.. his wit.. his michevious smile..
AND I UNDERSTAND that couples have been apart for months or more at a time and survived..
AND he said himself, "You have drive, you have ambition, go on... I'll still be here.."
and he doesnt know what to do after this summer.. and i kinda need to know. cuz most work with benefits require you there for an extended period of time..
And the work I graduated to do requires long term commitment to a degree.. teaching, zoo work, children's museum..
I suppose a CNA could get hired anywhere.. and leave and find another place..
blah blah blah
I do want people to come
so i can give them a little tour
or show them the right places to go
Like Mi Caista.. HUGE portions of mexican food... hot delicious chips.. friendly staff.. attentive.. tho i was really hungry .. so that may have helped make it taste delicious... and i just ate black beans.. His guac and chips/salsa
And the Doctor's Office has really good soup.. with slices of bread-NOT CRACKERS- (homemade bread too) and the breakfast burrito is.. wow.. i tried some of his.. wished i could have allowed myself to order something that.. delicious..
anyway
No tv/cable (which is fine.. i just miss Travel Channel/Discovery Channel)

I am going to try to get a feel for the sons.. see if they are wiling to take me under their wing for abit.. they are musicians.. (mmmm)
in fact last night they were out on the back porch jamming... i wanted so bad to be able to go out.. join them.. but what would i do? watch? HA! i wish :)
We watched Crash.. Him and I.. ohmy.. that movie is intense.. sad.. shook me to the core.. and that girl in there.. skinnier than a twig.. like the girls i went to treatment with.. triggered me.. I almost went to the bathroom.. (i had just eaten the broth from the CupONoodles then a bowl of raspberries with cool whip-so it was easily coming out if i wanted)
but i willed myself to sit through it..
and i did...

So i do believe this was one of the worst days.. not so fun.. at all.
i woke up with a migraine.. after tossing and turning all night long..
He wanted to drive into town.. well.. so did i cuz i knew he wanted to..
we called the man who wanted a housemate.. and we said we would do it.. move in tomorrow..
I was going to take a shower, but didnt have the energy to walk down the street.. pay for the shower.. take the shower and all that includes.. and then walk back..
We drove back to the campsite where he got ready for a 6 hour tour he was shadowing. We contemplated taking down the tent and moving to a hotel for the night.. but it was much too complicated.. how would he get back to town? (hitch a ride with the tour guide/co-worker that would be driving the tourists back anyway) How would we get the kayak back? (he could leave it there with the other kayaks)
We needed to talk to that man anyway.. the person we are moving in with.. more on that later..

Oh.. the coffee shop-called the Doctor's Office.. we went there for breakfast (for him) and I talked to the lady a little more.. she seemed interested.. but hesitant to give me the go in terms of a job due to some islanders coming back for the summer who were veterans at her place..

So from 10:30-5:30 i was laying around.. at the campsite (pretty much this one guys backyard) in the hot hot heat.. moving from place tto place.. from side to side.. to get comfortable.. to be able to sleep.. to stop sweating.. to stop the pain.. to stop the throbbing.. an d no phone reception so no way to talk to anyone to pass the time. .not that i would have been much of a conversationalist..
but he came back.. tired.. sore.. happy.. $60 tip
and i wanted so bad to be happy for him
but all i could think about was how no one wanted to hire me.. (atleast for a week or so)
how i was just lying around
how i wanted to kayak.. to move.. to explore the water.. to go sailing.. to have fun.. to laugh..
I was hearing the tourists come back from their 6 hour tour.. so happy.. laughing.. i wanted that..
and soon to be my brithday
and at a loss of what would make me happy
except for a job,.. to be happy.. to have friends.. to hookah.. to be able to enjoy eating (not just during)

Yesterday he had training for 3 hours.. which was a fiasco in itself.. in finding it.. etc.
there are many places on this island where you get no reception..
anyway. thats a long story
but while he was gone i was wandering downtown.. looking for a job.. finding no leads.. atleast not for a week or so
i need to be patient
the Convalescent Center.. i would get a $2,000 sign on bonus (i wasnt really paying attention but i think thats what they were saying).. paid work/training.. and with the CNA training that would guarantee me jobs pretty much anywhere
and some guy came up to me.. started talking.. about work on the island.. entertained by my stories.. and he just had to say it, "The reason why I stopped to talk to you was because, truthfully, you are the prettiest girl i have seen in a year at least"
that threw me off
me?
no.
hes messing with me.. and so was my head.. which lead me to some wine tasting.. buying a bottle of wine.. driving back to where he was training to pick him up.. refusing to come down to the water where they were training (what was i going to do? just sit there and watch? they were too far out for me to talk.. but i felt rude staying in the car.. but safer..)
we all ended up going to mexican food anyway.
and the boss lady paid for mine too (which was just a side order of black beans because i refused to order an actual meal, with the excuse "I dont want to spend her money when I am not working for her.."

hes got a cool bunch of co-workers.
he gets to kayak all day
to move
to connect with people
to see beauty all around
to earn tips
to do what he loves (though he does need to work on patience with the pampered)
and hes reallly good at it too

Anyway. its hot now still
and i need a shower
and a job
etc.

here we go again
still nothing
no job
no house
no home
no shower
..but atleast sleep is somewhat a familiar concept.. though i still wake up feeling dead.. due to rocky ground.. bad dreams.. cold nights..
the town is pretty, yes
but it has long since lost its appeal.
We have nothing. His boss is quite nonchalant.. too easygoing.. doesnt seem very organized.. gives vague answers..
He has to complete 10 tours as a shadow/apprentice before he can lead one on his own.. so I am left behind with nothing to do.. and there are no new houses available on any website
BUT
we do have one option.. we would live in this guys house.. hes got 2 sons.. 18 and 20 and apparently they crank their music at 3 am and have people coming and going all the time.. the people are all vegans or gluten-free or whatnot.. the lady who lives there is not technically the wife.. i dont know the whole story.. so its kida like a hostel.. or having a new family.. He would be gone most of the time anyway.. so Id be the one stuck there..
BUT its close to town.. quite affordable.. furnished.. people to talk to.. they are southerners=very accommodating.. and If i do end up going to Seattle, He could still afford it..


ANYWAY
I have the best time when hes gone.. wandering about the beaches.. crawling over the rocks whether they be barnacly or smooth or slippery or covered in seaweed.. in flip flops.. I scale the cliffs to get around places i cant wade through.. I am not afraid to wade through the water even if it is up to my thighs.. yes i get scraped up.. yes I am terrified of Crabs.. the spiders of the sea.. but i love it
i dont think sadly out there
i just do
i just go
and there is this rock.. covered in the softest grass I have ever laid on.. I took a nap on it yesterday.. didnt mean to.. but i did..

job searching continues today.. Monday..