I made it back from Spring Break.
NOTHING went as planned.
We never went kayaking on the river because he wanted to visit his friend on the weekend while he wasn't in school and it wasn't until we were halfway there that his friend told us that he was not home.
So we detoured to Hendersonville and around 1 am got the phone call that his sister fell off the 2nd story balcony. So we jumped in the car and I drove him 6 hours back to his house so we could be there for her.
and we were there
for the entire week
it wasnt so bad
I got to super deep/spring clean their house.. cook them some dinner.. help out with anything and everything that I could.
The sister is okay. She broke her neck, pelvis, some ribs.. and has to wear a halo for 3 months. but shes a tough cookie and at home now.
I just got back to Augusta today. The silence and loneliness is settling in again.
The realization of how long i have is settling in.
the exhaustion
I am sick too.. which doesn't help.. congested.. coughy.. sore throat.. etc.

but music helps keep me going
I want to transfer over to Asheville area to finish my MAT program, but none of the programs in the area fit what I want... though it would make me so much happier to have that change..

If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
.
What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
.
What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
.
What is the difference between living and existing?
.
What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?
.
Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?
.
What is the difference between innocence and ignorance?
.
If you looked into the heart of your enemy, what do you think you would find that is different from what is in your own heart?
.
If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?
.
When do you feel most like yourself?
.
When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
.
What would your ‘priceless’ Mastercard-style commercial be?
.
If you could take a single photograph of your life, what would it look like?
.
Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
.
Which activities make you lose track of time?
.
What three questions do you wish you knew the answers to?
.
When you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?
.
What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?
.
How would an extra $1000 a month change your life?
.

These all come from my new favorite website... FULL of inspiration.. thought provoking little quidbits...

I am addicted to food.
I love hate it
yet.. everytime I look around me I see everything I am not.

I didnt used to be this way.
I used to be positive. I used to be excited about life.
I still am at times...

There were fireflies out the past couple nights... I used to LOVE them. how they twinkled and danced and frolicked and teased...
They didn't phase me.

I still go to the elementary school 2 days a week, I still teach some lessons. I still get very positive feedback on how I interact with the kids and can relate to them and encourage them.
Yet, all that rings out for me is when they say "You need to work on classroom management" (I KNOW this. I KNEW this. I am working on it. I am not as soft/passive as I used to be. I step in when I need to. I don;t allow certain kids certain privileges if they don't show me in their actions that they earn it.. etc.)
Or
they say "Look more professional" or "Don't wear that again." (I was wearing a dress that went down to my knees... with leggings underneath just to be safe.. they said "NO LEGGGINGS EVER AGAIN"

I still take the little girl neighbor to and from school monday wednesday and friday. She still comes bursting out the doors when I come to pick her up and runs into my arms.

Yet.
All i can focus on is what I lack, What I am not.
I can't take this... i clean clean clean with my mom during the day.. but the crying comes more and more often for such little things.

I am not a bad person. I dont want to bring others down. I dont want to be this way. I dont want to be so negative.
But I dont know how to change...
It is so overwhelming.. life.. food.. me..

My personalDNA Report
My personalDNA Report

I do wish something would happen to me
anything
I want a bad thing to happen
so I can have a legitimate reason to be so sad

I want to go away
far away
start over
be someone

I want to teach
I want people to believe in me.. give me a chance..
I want to make a difference

I want to like myself
I want to find my happy
I want to find my smile

I am tired of getting my hopes up with all these job interviews only to get my heart and hopes broken when the call never comes.. or does come int he form of a rejection

I want to ask for help... but who do i ask? What do i need? How CAN they help? What IS wrong?

I want to teach in China.. or Thailand.. or Africa.. or New Orleans Zoo..

I want JP to come to me..
I want our lives to come together again
I want MY life together again

I want to eat and not feel like a fatass
I want to look in the mirror and not see excess.. plumpness.

I just want to be okay with life again.

I've learnt that...

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.
no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon.
although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.
love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.
even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I still have a lot to learn......