A Laugh Is A Smile That Bursts

2011-04-12T19:21:00.002-05:00

I made it back from Spring Break.
NOTHING went as planned.
We never went kayaking on the river because he wanted to visit his friend on the weekend while he wasn't in school and it wasn't until we were halfway there that his friend told us that he was not home.
So we detoured to Hendersonville and around 1 am got the phone call that his sister fell off the 2nd story balcony. So we jumped in the car and I drove him 6 hours back to his house so we could be there for her.
and we were there
for the entire week
it wasnt so bad
I got to super deep/spring clean their house.. cook them some dinner.. help out with anything and everything that I could.
The sister is okay. She broke her neck, pelvis, some ribs.. and has to wear a halo for 3 months. but shes a tough cookie and at home now.
I just got back to Augusta today. The silence and loneliness is settling in again.
The realization of how long i have is settling in.
the exhaustion
I am sick too.. which doesn't help.. congested.. coughy.. sore throat.. etc.

but music helps keep me going
I want to transfer over to Asheville area to finish my MAT program, but none of the programs in the area fit what I want... though it would make me so much happier to have that change..

2011-03-29T19:44:00.004-05:00

If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
.
What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
.
What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
.
What is the difference between living and existing?
.
What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?
.
Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?
.
What is the difference between innocence and ignorance?
.
If you looked into the heart of your enemy, what do you think you would find that is different from what is in your own heart?
.
If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?
.
When do you feel most like yourself?
.
When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
.
What would your ‘priceless’ Mastercard-style commercial be?
.
If you could take a single photograph of your life, what would it look like?
.
Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
.
Which activities make you lose track of time?
.
What three questions do you wish you knew the answers to?
.
When you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?
.
What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?
.
How would an extra $1000 a month change your life?
.

These all come from my new favorite website... FULL of inspiration.. thought provoking little quidbits...

2011-03-25T17:07:00.002-05:00

I am addicted to food.
I love hate it
yet.. everytime I look around me I see everything I am not.

I didnt used to be this way.
I used to be positive. I used to be excited about life.
I still am at times...

There were fireflies out the past couple nights... I used to LOVE them. how they twinkled and danced and frolicked and teased...
They didn't phase me.

I still go to the elementary school 2 days a week, I still teach some lessons. I still get very positive feedback on how I interact with the kids and can relate to them and encourage them.
Yet, all that rings out for me is when they say "You need to work on classroom management" (I KNOW this. I KNEW this. I am working on it. I am not as soft/passive as I used to be. I step in when I need to. I don;t allow certain kids certain privileges if they don't show me in their actions that they earn it.. etc.)
Or
they say "Look more professional" or "Don't wear that again." (I was wearing a dress that went down to my knees... with leggings underneath just to be safe.. they said "NO LEGGGINGS EVER AGAIN"

I still take the little girl neighbor to and from school monday wednesday and friday. She still comes bursting out the doors when I come to pick her up and runs into my arms.

Yet.
All i can focus on is what I lack, What I am not.
I can't take this... i clean clean clean with my mom during the day.. but the crying comes more and more often for such little things.

I am not a bad person. I dont want to bring others down. I dont want to be this way. I dont want to be so negative.
But I dont know how to change...
It is so overwhelming.. life.. food.. me..

2011-03-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

My personalDNA Report
My personalDNA Report

2011-03-23T14:30:00.002-05:00

I do wish something would happen to me
anything
I want a bad thing to happen
so I can have a legitimate reason to be so sad

I want to go away
far away
start over
be someone

I want to teach
I want people to believe in me.. give me a chance..
I want to make a difference

I want to like myself
I want to find my happy
I want to find my smile

I am tired of getting my hopes up with all these job interviews only to get my heart and hopes broken when the call never comes.. or does come int he form of a rejection

I want to ask for help... but who do i ask? What do i need? How CAN they help? What IS wrong?

I want to teach in China.. or Thailand.. or Africa.. or New Orleans Zoo..

I want JP to come to me..
I want our lives to come together again
I want MY life together again

I want to eat and not feel like a fatass
I want to look in the mirror and not see excess.. plumpness.

I just want to be okay with life again.

2011-03-11T19:20:00.000-06:00

2011-01-23T20:58:00.001-06:00

I've learnt that...

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.
no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon.
although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.
love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.
even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I still have a lot to learn......

2011-01-17T19:04:00.003-06:00

Lists that make me happy..

Places I have been
Places I want to go
Best days of my life
Best thing that happened this past year
Songs for the soundtrack of your life
REasons why i love him
Everything I would do if money were no problem
Things i am procrastinating
How to calm myself down when angry
Qualities i admire in others
What i would do if I could be invisible
Who would i invite to my dinner party (alive or dead)

2011-01-15T21:28:00.002-06:00

the days seem oh so long
I don't know what to do
Everything seems so wrong
I don't like feeling this blue

The voices in my head keep yelling
They cannot seem to agree
The tears in my eyes keep on welling
Is this how its always going to be?

I feel so empty-so very very hollow
I see this food in front of me
but it all seems to much to swallow

"its not about the food", they say
But they don't know how hard it is
to get through each and every day
I try not to let it show

I hate being left out
of all they fun they share
It seems to me without a doubt
that they don't even care

Its strange how the people
that you hold most dear
are also the very ones
that entice the greatest fear

They may not even know
how harsh their words can be
I take them with a mighty blow
I take them personally

Their words never leave my mind
they are there constantly
it makes it oh so hard to find
and be the real me

I look down in front of me
and see my pudgy tummy
it is all i ever see
and makes me feel so crummy

I know I should be at peace
with my body and my spirit
it seems like such a sweet release
so why do i fear it?

I love me and the person that i am
and i want to be accepted
But every time I am me-I feel in a jam
I get too scared that "me" will be rejected

2011-01-15T21:23:00.000-06:00

Peeking through the jagged hole
my cheeck against the prickly wood
My ragged breathing slowly calming
With the scent of you so near
I hope that you can't see me

Out beyond the knobby wood
I squint my eyes to see
I hear so clear your enchanting voice
My heart is pounding so
I wish that you knew me

I poke my finger through the hole
to expand my narrow view
I utter a shriek as I prick my finger
as a drop of blood appears
I hope that you didn't hear me

I am caught off-guard by the blood,
surprised by its warmth
a single teardrop slips down my face
my world is now a blur
You don't even care

2011-01-08T08:42:00.002-06:00

Simple Pleasures in Life...
Im trying to find them again.. and find the pleasures in them.. and not let my mind trail off to the negative..

1. Sleeping in on a rainy day..
snuggling under the warm covers while listening to the rain beating lightly against the window and roof.. LOVE that sound.. even better if you have a fireplace with a (REAL) fire roaring inside..

2. Making Brief Eye Contact With Someone On The Street
ESPECIALLY if it is someone of the opposite sex... there is that slight moment when your eyes catch and linger... and .. maybe.. just maybe... and then you both continue walking.. but you still know -for THAT MOMENT.. you were something to someone (or atleast you can think that)

3. Finding Money You Never Knew You Had
I found a $20 bill the other day when I was going through my room :) YAY! Why did I stuff that $20 with my art supplies? I do not remember... but i am SO GLAD that i did.

4. Hearing that RIGHT SONG at that RIGHT MOMENT
you know.. when you are on a thinking track and then that song comes on that epitomizes what you are thinking.. or goes right along with your memory track..

5. Hearing that song that brings you back
it literally FLOODS me with nostalgic memories of "that one time..." ... and causes me to text someone related to that memory.. which passes on the good feelings to them.. I tend to let songs hold a LOT of nostalgic power..

6. Pull Through Parking Spot
You know what those are.. when you see that parking spot immediately in front of you and are delighted to see that the other side is free too! SOOOOO you continue on through so you can drive forward OUT of the parking spot instead of having to back out.. :)

7. Realizing you Have More Time To Sleep
waking up.. sopoo tired. OMG! I must be late! I wonder what time it is!?!? Ohhhhhh its only 4:32.. I can go back to sleep! (yay!)

8. Making Others Smile
sel explanatory..

9. Warm Sunshine..
Feeling it envelop you in warmth as you step out of the shadows..

10. That feeling You Get When Your Idea Works
:)

more to come...

I have one class down... 2 more to go until I can get a full grasp on what school is going to be like..
Still no jobs.. no offers.. no potentials, though my resume is out there due to my aggressive passing out at places even though they say "APPLY ONLINE!" .. I HATE applying online.. not just the typing everything over and over again on the many different websites.. but because they cant see ME.. they dont know ME.. they see what I wrote yes,.. but I think that if you want to hire someone, wouldn't you want to SEE and TALK TO and MEET your potential employee before you hire them? Yes. I do.

10.

2011-01-05T17:43:00.003-06:00

Wow...
what a month it has been!!
I am sooooo not in the right head space to be back at home.
After spending a month with JP...
whirlwind of things that happened..
We finally drove down to the Everglades and I got to go on 2 kayak trips with him.. 4 days each out in the Everglades.. kayaking.. camping out on the white sandy beaches.. seeing the eyeballs of the dolphins as they hopped about beside my kayak.. osprey nests.. fishing pelicans.. watching the sun get swallowed up by the Gulf of Mexico...
Sleeping in the tent.. wow.. hearing those noises outside the tent.. that whole dellima.. Do i climb out of my cozy, warm sleeping bag and risk getting mauled by whatever is out there? or do i lay in the warmth and comfort of my sleeping bag and hold even more tightly to JP, wondering what is out there.. .
Going to visit our friends over in West Palm Beach.. playing with their Xbox Kinect.. that game is soo fun!! You do not even need a remote!! It picks up your movements and whatnot without the need of a remote!! LOVE IT!! aND it records you doing the movements so you can watch yourself acting like a goober playing the games :)
I finally registered and got all ready for my classes.. just need to talk to my advisor and convince him that i can take on 5 classes.. since 4 of them are half semester.. so I would be taking one class that lasts ALL semester and then 2 each half semester..

i miss JP.. it wil be 4 months or 3 ( I have spring break the first week in april) until I get to see him again.. which is FOREVER when I do not have anything to look forward to until I see him..
for the next week I will be looking for a job... going to classes.. finding my books.. getting acquainted with Augusta State University and my classmates..

2010-12-13T11:27:00.002-06:00

Well.
Here i am
Back at the beach
Feeling all the clothes on me.. and how they fit much closer to my body than they used to.
I cried about it
to him
and he said, "Well, DO something about it!"
I cried more
I HAVE been.. in terms of not eating.. sneaking in exercise moves here ant there..
but this morning
I said
I aM GOING TO DO IT
and i did it
i went for a run
well
walkrun..
I made sure not to walk more than a minute... and then ran/jogged for atleast 2 minutes.. or more.. and then walked a little.. over nad over..
AND I DID IT
I was so proud.
:)
Slowylly
one step forward two steps backwards..
Saturday night we had to take his grandpa to Fayetteville for osme holiday party.. LOTS of people.. LOTS of food.. me not knowing anyone except JP who was too far gone for me to interact with much anyway because his mind wa set on ONE THING.. getting some stuff..
so
yea
i ate a lot of chips (JUST the crumbs though.. ) and some of those white chocoalte homemade haystacks. a
and shrimp

but
starting today
with the run
im going to continue this.
Its not going to be perfect
its going to take time
But
I suuure do have a lot of that to spare...

2010-12-09T10:56:00.003-06:00

MMmm
Yesterday was my last day... We went to the Big Italian church service.. then the lowering of the grave.. then back to the house..
Where my biggest love-hate relationship lasted all day...
Food.. Food.. Food.. A huge plate of fruit.. some cheeses and meats... pita bread.. and flat crispy cracker/bread.. and cookies.
I had no trouble eating that fruit.. I was hungry.....
so fruit fruit fruit plus lots of the flat cracker bread.. and 2.5 glasses of wine..
and I wanted so bad to be there with the adults.. to be part.. to be able to take part.. and space off at the same time..
but yeah.. I was foreced into the living room with Sofia for most of the time.. though we did have frequent visitors from relatives coming to say hello or play with Sofia for a brief minute or two until she got shy and hid under my dress...
Then came evening where it was just the family plus 2 other ladies..
with a tin full of peppermint bark
so i ate quite a bit of that too
but i feel so big today
so big.. and every mirror all day today and yesterday
WHY
WhY do i look in the mirror and only see my big arms.. my big this Fat that.. plump this..
why cant i see the good?

2010-12-07T23:00:00.003-06:00

....Mature People Truths...
100% thumbs up on prettty prettty prettty much all of them, ESPECIALLY..
5. How ARE you supposed to make that folded thing look neat...?
6. seriously.. never used it.. never want to.. never will..
12. Already gave up on trying to collect anything of the sort.. thats what Netflix is for :)
13. yes yes yes...
16. waste of make up-time-effort-my only good outfit...
21. All Dogs Go To Heaven.. still cant understand why THAT was my favorite..
22. Yep-guilty every time.. would that be laziness or being strong?
24. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger...
26.. complete strangers coming together.. pure lovely
31. "Wait.. What..?"

2010-12-07T20:14:00.002-06:00

Cranky... after staying up past 4:30 to educate myself on this newwww thing.. this newww documentary..
Waiting for Superman..

Amazing.. I WANT to/need to see it

right now i am CRANKY. and sleepy and hungry and refusing to acknowledge it.. For one thing, I can't sleep, nor lay nor rest for I have this 5 year old to care for.. Eating? I like how the hunger envelopes me... I DID eat.. carrots, blueberries, and a handful of crunchy pita chips.. and stole a sip of chocolate milk from Sofia and a CAndy cane..
and my tummy is eating itself... in a not so pleasant way... and my eyes are tired of being open.. and my mind is tired o thinking..

I just want to sleep it all off..
make it all go away.

2010-12-06T23:27:00.001-06:00

Ooohhhhh..
I want that
so bad
That would be sooo much fun
I always take the stairs anyway
but
wow..
i wouldn't get off of them if they made music...

2010-12-06T20:17:00.003-06:00

Okay.. just "Stumbled Upon" the most interesting article..

Harriet Brown takes on Anorexia in Brave Girl Eating

Its pretty much the same old stuff every other book and article has on Anorexia..
but there were some things that stuck out for me.. that Is IMPORTANT for others to understand...

"..It’s not a refusal—that’s what I have seen. It’s an inability to eat. The example I give parents when they’re having trouble understanding this disease is: When my daughter would sit down to a plate of food, it was like for me jumping out of an airplane. It’s terrifying. Sufferers are in a grip of compulsion and fears that are so, so huge. I do think that we have trouble understanding that, and I’m not sure why, but I hope that it is changing"...
Honestly.. that is how it feels.. I see that bagel with cream cheese.. or big plate of nachos.. and I WANT IT .. i am drooling.. my stomach is grumbling for it.. but the FEAR the sheer TERROR.. of what? the food? not necessarily...

"...There is an assumption that fat kids are not healthy and thin kids are. I think there is a big risk of triggering eating disorders when you are emphasizing weight so heavily, and for some of those kids this is going to be the thing that triggers them into a lifetime of unhealthy eating in a different way. We come in all different shapes and sizes. Not everyone is going to be a size zero even if they are eating healthy, exercising, and are happy—that’s just not the way we work...."

And from another article...

“...I was never really proud of being anorexic,” says Emily, “but one of the sickest parts of the disorder is that you do get a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from depriving yourself. To eat is to fail, and to starve is to succeed...”
...and im failing....

2010-12-06T20:02:00.003-06:00

So..
My new favorite thing is this StumbleUpon thing.
My friend told me about it and now... All i do is press the stumble button and it gives me the most wondrous assortment of websites to browse.. to smile about..
I found some great QUOTES...

You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety – Abraham H Maslow

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. – Winston Churchill

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. – Charlie Brown

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

Today Sofia and I were playing memory, as usual... They are cards that have the alphabet.. each one has a letter and to get a match or pair you need the upper and lower case of the same letter. I LOVE those cards!! There is SOO Much to learn through them!!
We talked about vowels.. and how her name has 3 in it.. and I wrote a letter to Santa... just for fun..

Dear Santa
Please bring me chocolate. I love you a lot.

And she took the paper from me and started circling letters.. I was confused at first and then realized she was circling the vowels! I never even asked her.. and well over an hour had passed since we had last talked about it.

Tomorrow is my LAST DAY in the 2nd grade classroom!! :( I am so sad!! I have grown to love those children... even after the FIRST day!! I left a little early today so that I could try to find some treat for them.. Candy Canes? No... candy canes are everywhere.,. chocolate? mmmm....
I chose a big bag of Smarties.. No matter if they don't LIKE them or not, but the kids are SMART and SMARTIES will help them learn to be SMARTer.. because they are the SMARTest 2nd graders I know.. yea..
and then for the teachers I got a thing of LifeSavers.. because she literally saved my life by allowing me to help her in the classroom... Because of her I had a purpose.
Tomorros is the last regular day here. Get Sofia ready.. weave the traffic.. drop her off.. got to MY school.. stay as long as i can before I rush to pick Sofia up... back home.. plaqy play play.. make her dinner.. watch Wizards of Waverley Place.. be the DJ while she showers... have a popsicle.. Read to her.. lay with her til she falls asleep..
THEN
Wednesday is the funeral..
Thursday I fly home
Starting at 8:45 am.... arrive in Augusta at 11:38 pm.. LOOOONG day...
Friday I meet with my academic advisor so that I can sign up for classes... aND THEN FINALLY drive 5 hours to JP.
tehn... who knows...

2010-12-05T18:24:00.001-06:00

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

2010-12-05T17:47:00.003-06:00

Popcorn Flavors :)
personally.. none of those appeal to me...

BUT

ICE CREAM FLAVORS!!
getting closer...
well.. no none of those either

NOW

Next time i am in NEw York... with a person or three or ten, I will accept the challenge of the VOLCANO!!
i mean LOOK at taht!!
A volcano shaped shell of chocolate.. .break it open and WALLAA!! THERES THE ICE CREAM!!!
and spilling down the sides are white/dark/milk chocoalte pearls, gummi bears,

And wonderful uses for normal everyday items...

2010-12-05T16:29:00.003-06:00

The Funeral is on wednesday
Do I go?
Should I go?
Is it disrespectful not to go?
I would like the experience I suppose.. It will be something to do
but
I WILL feel out of place
I WILL feel bored at times..
I WILL not know what to do a LOT of the time..
but Sofia wants me there

SO i went clothes shopping yesterday.. with Sofia and her mother... Craziness.. I couldnt try anything on really because I had to watch Sofia so her mother could look for things for Sofia and her..

SO
Today I went
on the adventure
to the malll...
overwhelming as usual...
the VERY FIRST dress I tried on.. I admit was a tad dressy..
but
ohh
ohh
i felt like I looked beautiful... and might i say.. hott??
But did I buy it? No
I DID put it on hold..
I went around..
everything else was too big.. too small.. too ugly.. didn't fit me right... too fluffy.. too this too that..
I did find one kinda blah thing that is versatile.. a V neck black shirt/dress that I can wear with any color tank top below and any kind of leggings.. boots..heeels.. etc. so It can work for MANY occasions..
PLUS a hat
Shopping and me don't go well
i talk myself out of everything
just like i talk myself out of DOING everything

But I am trying to convince myself that I need to take the time out of my life to go and BUY it.. because EVERY girl needs atleast something in their wardrobe that makes them feel like a princess...

Somday I will get over it
just as
someday
i will learn to feel pretty without the aid of a dress...

2010-12-05T16:28:00.002-06:00

Am I ask awkward to others as I am to me?

Do I LOOK as out of place and awkward to others as I do to me?

2010-12-04T23:07:00.002-06:00

soo....
trying on clothes for a funeral that I know NO ONE there except my aunt, uncle and cousin...
intimiating...
all of them are Italian.. rich... high up.. sophisticated.. formal..
absolutely the opposite of what i am..
Do i go?
Would it be rude not to go?
I asked my aunt/uncle this plenty of times
same response,
"its up to you"
that does not help..

Pros....
I have never experieinced an Italian Funeral
my first funeral
I will probably meet some cute italians
i will get to buy a new dress
Sofia wants me to
Claudia "considers me part of the family"
I feel obligated to.. out of respect...

Cons...
I have to buy new black clothes..
I will know no one
the ceremoney is in all italian
I dddn;t even meet the lady that did pass away
I dont speak/.understand Italian
I havent been to a funeral
I will feel out of place/uncomfortable.shy/selfaware
I will mis my last opportunity to with my 2nd grade classroom

hmm...whatdo i do..?

2010-12-03T23:09:00.002-06:00

Does anyone read this anymore?
I dont think so.
I have been ranting and raving about the same thing over and over and over
and everyone gives me advice... saying it would PROBABLY be best to move on..
part of me kind of wants to.. engage in other pursuits.. see how they treat me.. how they make me feel.
but its so hard to rip myself from part of who i have been for the past 2 years.

I fly out Thursday. I am very excited. VERY excited...
Friday I meet with my academic advisor to convince him that I indeed CAN take 5 classes per semester one of them lasts the WHOLE semester and the other four are half semester (so 2 the first half, 2 the 2nd half)
I am a teachers pet. I LOVE to learn. I put my work first.
heck, I am even doing my own work now
I KNOW i can do it.

Then, Friday I drive to him...
time will tell
i will see for myself what I am getting into..
because going back on Thursday means that I DONT get to go to Seattle (Family) for christmas..
and he doesntknow if he is going to work on Christmas.. if he even really HAS a job...
I dont know why, but i feel like i am holding my breath about the future...

If someones reading this, let me know
give me a song
I want someone to dedicate a song to me '
I am asking for help
and thats not easy for me.

2010-12-01T22:43:00.001-06:00

Back to an FML kinba day,, well ,, i guess it started off okay...

.Classic rock at heart, yet I do have another side called Alternative. My charateristics are rock and roll. Folk is when I have something to say; rap is when I have a lot to say. My happiness shines through pop. I laugh and think through country, I cry through the blues, I dance through hip hop, and I sing through opera. Ambient-- my nature, techno-- my craziness, R&B- my relaxation, emo-- Indie is my unheard of nature (and trust me, I am very often unheard). Punk is my rebellious self, which sprung through my deep dark secrets in heavy metal. Acoustic is when I am best heard (and best swooned, soft rock is when I am best known. My confusion and chaos is trance. And if people ever met me, they'd describe me as rhapsody. I can be best heard through my characteristics, acoustic rock; be rebellious from my characteristics, punk rock; and be natural because it's my characteristic, ambient rock.

.....

and i like cheese,,, tooo nuch

I am the music.

EXPERIMENTS!

2010-12-01T01:05:00.001-06:00

I have a couple challenge for you all.. LET ME KNOW HOW YOU DO!!

Try nailing jello to the wall...

Toast/Grill a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron....

Fry an egg with pure energy and head from the sun.. either in a wok or a skillet or straight up on the sidewalk....

Put office supplies.. forks.. rubber duckies inside jello

Leave a pop tart on the dashboard of you car during a hot day.. when you come back after a long day of class or a day shopping, will it be nice and toasty for you?

Take a whole container of corn kernels, put it in a hot air popper and let it pop.. how much will pop? Can it fill your entire room?

Take a container of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and dump it out in a strainer.. let it drain.. and figure out how much cookie dough is actually in the ice cream... Try comparing the consistencies of different brands.. which one has the most cookie dough?

Find out exactly how much whipped cream is in one of those containers... is there a difference between the fat free/light container and the regular container.

Try chewing an entire package of chewing gum at once...

Send airmail.. tie a letter to a balloon.. let it go.. and see if you get a response from whoever finds it! .. similar to putting a message in a bottle in hopes of a response..

Take a box of Honey Bunches of OAts with Almonds and separate them into the different cereal bits.. (frosted flakeys, granola/oat clusters, corn flakeys, almonds, etc.) what are some ratios?

Same experiment as above with Lucky Charms... Are there more marshmallows or more of the other cerealy bits? Which marshmallow is there most of?

--> By the way I have tried many of these.. I recommend them... good tales to tell others... fun times to be had...

2010-11-30T23:46:00.002-06:00

SOoooo
Ive been thinking
and thinking and thinking

But not hard..
likeeeeee dreamy thinking...

It is not so bad here.
I am making a difference in the life of this child. This little 5 year old.. for the month or so that I am here, the constant contact.. the pure love and want that is soo evident on her face.. When I need a break and say "I need to go upstairs to get something. I will be right back." ... and I head upstairs and I hear her footsteps hurrying behind me. Something inside me sags, i really went upstairs to get a breath of air.. and then i turn around to her little face as though I caught her doing something bad.. she freezes and I break.. Of course I will let her follow me. It's okay. Little things mean soooo much to her.
We were at the library today. Her eyes were wide with amazement and wonder. I loved it... watching her take it all in. I know she had been there before... but I could tell it hadn't been enough.
She was poking through books.. at 5 years old, sounding out and reading random pages in random books.. At one point I checked in with her and said I would b right back, I was trying to find a particular book for her, but I guess it did not register. A few moments later, I noticed an older lady looking around as if she were searching for someone in particular.. I thought it was a bit peculiar for some reason..had a feeling something was wrong.. it turns out Sofia did NOT realize I said I would be right back... had noticed that I was not there and had started crying. As soon as she saw me she ran and hid her face in my leg, hiding her tears..
Imagine.. being that little.. being sooo into a book.. soo intent and proud of the fact you can read.. looking up to show the one you love, your protector-only to find that she is NOT there.. that all you see is strangers meandering about.. and for one as overprotective as her, I can imagine it was traumatizing...
We got ten books... and the Christmas with the Chipmunks CD..
Its fun in the car with her... all the way to schoool... and back from school we sing (well I sing-horribly might i add) to anything that comes on the radio. and I dance. in my seat. because being silly is what makes her laugh. and i love her laugh. and I love knowing that I can have that impact on someone. and I DO NOT CARE what anyone in the cars nearby think. I am having a wonderful time with my cousin, showing her that its okay to be silly. That I AM ALIVE.
and i like that feeling.
and i will continue doing that.

2010-11-29T22:20:00.003-06:00

Sometimes
I can sit here for hours
youtube-ing video after video... song after song... thinking.. dreaming.. wishing..
most importantly
not being HERE
but being somewhere out there...

and now
i feel like shit again
because i see the reflection

I need you to know I'm not through the night.. some days im still fighting to walk towards the light..

and how
HOW
do i ask for help if I dont know what needs fixed.

and i will never be able to look that way again
i used to be able to
I dont understand. I HONESTLY HAVENT BEEN EATING. a bite here.. the very very outside of an apple here. some carrots. grapes. but im still fking disgusting

the thing that is keeping me going now is i have a text buddy :) its like i do have a friend with me all the time. but i feel safe because he cant see me. so I know i won't be rejected.. that he wont find me repulsive.. and thats why we still text off and on and on throughout the day.

and my life is not horrible. i KNOW that. I have people that care.. I have a future.. I just have no one with me. I AM with family, yes. but I feel so unwelcome... so helpless. so awkward.. so out of place.. everywhere I go..

and i do wish
i doooo wish i could go to sleep
sleep until its all over
until I feel pretty again. until i can accept myself. until i can
STOP
THINKING SO MUCH

2010-11-27T21:33:00.002-06:00

I did have a good day today.. for the most part.. .
we (my randparents and Sofia and I) went to the Childrens museum... and for the first time in a long time i was able to lose myself in the fun.,. playing with the different exhibits and with her... not care.. let loose..
and then I kept coming back to my self consciousness...
attempted to take some pictures of me.. to prove to myself that I am NOT ugly.. that i am NOT fat/big/awkward.. etc.
but
alas
none of them really turned out.. and my grandpa cant really take pictures anyway so the ones that he took ended up blurry.
Yet
i was proud
I never called JP .
only once when I first woke up.. and then just now when I got back.. at around 7. so 11 hours.
aNd of course.. i brought up the fact that I wanted to fly back to him
there was no way that I could fly out the 4th because my aunt/uncle need me to babysit that night at least. and so I wouldnt be able to fly in until Tuesday because my uncle is very busy Monday and needs me then as well and he started freaking out because he still wants me to fly in on the 4th..
and finally he said the one word i HATE,
"WhateveR"
and then I started crying because
as I tried to explain to him,
when he says "whatever,"
it makes me feel as though he is disregarding what I am saying.. that he is giving up on me.. kind of like a "what the F***" kinda thing.. exasperated
and i explained to him all of that
and that what I DID need from him is acknowledgment.. acceptance, anything BUT "(sigh)...whatever..(sigh)" because that MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SH*****

but
one more looong day
and then school starts
and the routine starts again
and I get to take her to school.. go to MY 2nd graders.. then pick her up.. play... feed her, bathe her, put her to sleep, etc.

which is not so bad,
but
i still need
crave
people my age.. talking.. communication..connection.. etc.
someday...

2010-11-26T22:39:00.001-06:00

I am disgusting

2010-11-23T01:40:00.003-06:00

Yea. Those 2 days in the classroom were absolutely wonderful!!
The teacher, she let me teach!! She let me grade papers!! I connected with the kids!! It was WONDERFUL!
and then I went to pick up the little one and she fell asleep on the way home
and then the loneliness came again
creeping ever so slowly
encroaching on every thought
deepening, wrapping its tentacles on every thought...
and then weekend came...

and Sunday I went to San Francisco to visit an old friend, who told me what everyone else has been telling me about JP. Pretty much to move on. To get out. To find someone new.
That is part of the reason why I AM out here.. to distance myself...
but I cant enjoy myself out here.
I dont know anyone.
only hte 5 year old girl and my aunt/uncle.
and now the classroom of 2nd graders... which do WONDERS for my soul.. but the goodness.. the happy.. the purity does not last long at all..

When I go to school in Augusta, I will be forced to stay in one place for at least a year... attending classes... getting a job...
Maybe then I will find someone who will show me the way...
Or atleast a friend.. a girl friend to have girls nights with.
Its been forever since I have been able to do something like that.. high school actually.. because college was littered and tainted with the eating disorder which disabled me from any sort of social interactions .

I have been texting a couple different people frequently lately.. one in New Orleans, one in Las Vegas,.. who are very supportive of me.. we keep talking about meeting up at one point..
but even if we did, would I be able to go thought with it? Would I chicken out?
Im NOT talking about sleeping/x or anything like that... simply GOING OUT or MEETING them.. SOOOO intimidating to me...
Even this friend on Sunday.... I was soo nervous..
I used to be so good with people..
now i get mini anxiety attacks
even going in the mall

I frequently send out little pleas for help via text.. asking for something to make me smile.. is that wrong? Is that bad?
Is that SAD?
Yes
I should be able to live my life.
I should be able to DO this.
I USED to
why can't I anymore?
mirrors are too much.

Today I broke down into tears atleast 14 times. I stopped counting. my eyes hurt but i still cant sleep.

Why can't I function anymore...

I am finally getting over the eating too much thing :)
Now I can feel that hunger in my tummy again
that comforting feeling
I do like it
i do
and its good that I am in NOT my own house and so far from the kitchen...
thats my new solution.
go to bed early
and
therefore
no more food for the night
and when I take her to school, take an apple and/or some carrots wiht me and dont go home until I take the girl home... and im too scared to eat anything in this house anymore because they make such a big deall when somethings missing or gone or messed with.
simple
or, as the little one says,
easy peasy lemon squeezy...

2010-11-18T18:52:00.002-06:00

CONNECTION!!
After 3 days one teacher (out of 3 different schools) finaly emailed me! A 2nd grade teacher.
I am growing to love 2nd grade.
I got to hang out in the classroom today.. help out... read a book to them..
Its all wayy too fascinating to me. I LOVE it. Every classroom I step into only reinforces my curiosity.. my urge to teach.. the excitement for my own classroom someday..

JP got a job potential.. with OutWard Bound. Right up his alley... he would be doing outdoor/hiking/camping/kayaking semester programs with at risk students.... which would put him away. FAR away for at least a semester.. if not longer. I want soo bady to be happy for him.. to be encouraging.. but I want him near me.. and that job wil only take him further away.. and He SAID he was going to settle down.. Taking that job is not necessarily setting down.
My eyes literaly tear up at the THOUGHT of him being gone for so long... It has barey been 2 months since I left him this time and I struggle everyy day.

Why cant i find a friend? Why cant i go out on my own and make freinds by myself? Why dont I have confidence in myself? Why why whyyyyy cant I be okay with myself...

why cant someone just come and woo me and take me away from all of this.. show me what its supposed to be like..

2010-11-13T12:46:00.000-06:00

Why does everything look soo awkward.. so disgusting on me..
never fails.

2010-11-12T13:15:00.002-06:00

I can make a cd.. a soundtrack.. called "Sofia's hits"
the ones we listen to over and over and over and over
while shes in the shower.. while we are coloring.. while we are getting dressed...
I do love music..
and the music is quite catchy..

"Baby" Justin Beiber (babby babby babby OOHHH!!!!)
"Teenage Dream" Katy Perry
"California Girls" Katy Perry
"Tongihts gonna be a good night" Black Eyed Peas
"Soul Sister" Train
"Round and Round" Selena Gomez
""Break Your Heart" Taio Cruz

and im sure there are others... and will be others..
and im trying to turn her on to
Britney Spears... Beattles,... Micheal Jackson.. NSync.... Prince....
her dad hates those
and hes my dads brother
and he used to get me to do things that irritated my dad (in a HAHA way.. )
so im just getting back at him :)
=
We went to the zoo yesterday.. even though i think we only saw goats.. and went on a rollar coaster and a couple other rides and played on the playgrond.. and.... an hour lunch break
She told me she was going to find me a boyfreind.. I told her I already HAD one.. she said "but hes far far away. Hed never know. You must be lonely here. You need someone here."
kids say the darndest things.. (at 5 years old...)

2010-11-11T09:31:00.002-06:00

Cali!
San Jose!
Thats where I am.
3 blocks from an In-And-Out burger.. supposedly the BEST BURGER EVER (by a vote of 2 or 3 people that I know quite well)
in a nice, beautiful house
living with a family.. relatives.. my dad's older brother, his Italian wife and their adopted Guatemalan 5 year old daughter.
They are a family of HIGH QUALITY
Shopping at Whole Foods, specialty stores for cheese, veggies, meat... and buy their wine from different wineries, including Peggy Flemming's winery (yes, she was an ice skater)
I get to wake up, get the little one breakfast and to school by 8:30. Then I pick her up from school at 2:40 and play play play until her mom gets home at 8 (though in that time frame I also have to get her a shower and dinner and snack..)
Not too bad.
Except it has NOT gone that way.
She got sick and so I have been home-bound since Tuesday.. and I am NOT good at being home-stuck.
And now I have come down with the sickness..

But she has been teaching me about all this new music.. how to "be cool"..
and so when she takes her shower, I play DJ and play Selena Gomez, hannah Montana, Justin Beiber and the like..
UNFORTUNATELY they are kinda catchy songs. so yes. I do sing along.

But my mind is still out of control in terms of body image/food issues..I am doing a LOT better when it comes to eating like crazy and now keep getting continualy frustrated by being stuck inside (nooo exercise, etc.) and everytime i look in the mirror my body grows or shrinks.. even when I look at myself, its different..
I did discover that the reason why my arms do look so "big" is because my arms have a lot of muscle! Go figure! I was flexing and moving my arm around and I felt it.. rock solid.. hmm..
I want to buy new clothes.. more variety, more funky, fun "Career" type clothes, but I just get so discouraged when I try clothes on,.. and when for some reason they DO look good.. I talk myself out of them or make up an excuse as to why it DOES look good for some reason...

I am still very excited to go back to school :) I want to be a teacher..
I am also very excited to go back home,, to JP.. I COULD book a ticket for the 4th.. before he is supposed to go down to Jacksonville to take his dad to some MAyo cLinic dow there.. which he may or may not back out of.. so JP does not want me to book a ticket for me to fly into Jacksonville... But I was thinking I was going to fly in the 11th, since it is the cheapest date to fly from here to there that I have found.. EVEN THOUGH it seems the majority of the nights i cry myself to sleep because despite the fact that I am with "family" (at both places) I still feel lonley and alienated from their family life.. which is to be expected, but it does not feel good in my heart./soul..

2010-10-21T22:09:00.002-05:00

Stuck
is what I am
Stuck
in Buckley
basically, my schedule for today, next tuesday. wednesday and thursday is to get the kids up and ready for school.. walk them a block and a half to school.. and be there to walk them back home and hang around until their mother gets home (or dad.. whoever is first)
Which is fine and good and all
I adore the kids.
Its the down time
its the between time
its from 9am-3pm.
its the what do I do while the kids do homework and the parents do their own thing.
its the what do i do all day all alone with no car?

I walked an hour or more down the road and wandered aimlessly around WalMart and Fred Meyer... wasted from 9am-1pm..
and the emptiness
the being away from him.. from everything..
coming back to the house, unsatisfied with myself, my situation... feeling like I could do more (but what?)
and then stuffing my face with apple jacks from the cupboard.

and then getting angry at myself
and then vacuuming.. sweeping..
now i have nothing to do tomorrow...
the place is vacuumed, swept, dishes done, laundry done

I made dinner tonight.. Mac and Cheese.. and all three of the kids rejected it and either opted for the Easy Mac or a bowl of cereal..

And I dont mind walking walking walking all day..
i ust fear that the forecast predicts rain for the ENTIRE NEXT WEEK.
i guess that is what umbrellas are for.

2010-10-19T19:08:00.002-05:00

Ok
so
heres the deal
I am leaving tomorrow for Buckley, WA to help out my aunt with her kids until November 6th. I fear that there will be a LOT of downtime.. and I am not good at that...
Then November 6th I am headed to San Jose to help out my uncle with HIS kid. I am hoping to be there long enough to pick up a job...
Starting in January I am (hopefully) starting the MAT (Master's of Arts in Teaching) here in Augusta at Augusta State University. It all happened so fast... I talked with the lady next door who is a teacher in that program.. I got interested.. Excited at being able to get a Master's degree in a year and a half to 2 years.. but terrified at being in one place.. especially with my parents..
JP is at home.. at his place.. going out of his mind with boredom.. trying to apply to anything and everything but there really is nothing in Sunset Beach, NC.
In fact, he called me tonight saying he was trying to sell his kayak.. his most treasured item.. in order to "get the h** out of here to someplace where there is something for me"
Of course, I freaked out a bit..
the reason why .. well A BIG part of the reason why I applied to this MAT program is because it is close to him.. But if he goes off somewhere.. Im stuck here in Augusta all alone.
It sucks that my parents moved here after I graduated so I know NO ONe.. I will meet people in school..
but it will be the same as when I was away from him in Hendersonville.. there will still be that emptiness in me.. that part that he usually fills..
And I am terrified
of school.. of the commitment.. the work.. the responsibility.. and then of becoming a licensed teacher.. thats a lot of responsibility as well.. so many rules.. so much preparation..
But I know I can do it
I am just terrified
I hate how everything is so up in the air. How I am going to be leaving at a time that JP is so frustrated with life.. how I cannot be there for him.. how we cannot be together.. how I fear that empty feeling inside of me that is bound to grow,..
But I must go to sleep now because the plane tomorrow is too early for me to be awake too late..

2010-10-06T18:39:00.002-05:00

So.
This dude I have been babysitting for... the first couple days i worked for him he had no money to pay me.. the day i didnt work for him he finally got some money.. Today i worked for him again and at first he didnt have any money, but he was selling something to a friend and gave me the money instead, still he shorted me 10 but offered to let me use his food stamps card for some food.
I declined.
Later on, I asked him if he needed me tomorrow... and if he did, would he be able to pay me,.. Because I cannot work for nothing and I told him that.
He then freaked out on me.. sending me a text message 5 or so pages long about how my attitude pissed him off.. how he had been so nice to me. offering his food stamps card... paying me as he should..
And All i was doing was saying that I could not work for free... if he could not pay me I wasn;t going to do it because i cannot afford to work for free... I appreciate the help he had given me, even though it wasn't a lot of money.. and I appreciate the offer for the food stamps card, but i would feel bad using his food stamp card...
I was not trying to be rude..
I was just asking..
I felt bad
for his kids.. for him.. but he pretty much told me to F*** off and that he didn't want ot see me again and de-friended me on Facebook (ha!)
In my eyes, his reaction was a little childish.. overreacting.. but i still feel bad.. I didnt mean to make him upset...

2010-10-05T22:38:00.001-05:00

$4/hour for the single dad
i am doing good for him
beause he can barely afford for him and his 2 daughters
but
at the same time
it is not helping me at all
because $4/hour for about 5-6 hours a day.. about 4-5 days a week
means i barely break even
but
I love his little girls.
I do
thats why i do it
I will miss them

2010-10-05T21:09:00.003-05:00

So
Im still pissed off
I get way too worked up about food.. about my body.. about what I ate (or didnt eat)
when really
I am NOT big.
I may not be "small"
but
i m most certainly NOT big.
I KNOW that
I REALIZE that
but
I still let stupid things ruin my day.

Anyway
I am still stressed out about what to do with my life.
I am pretty sure I am staying here October 15 or 17 or something.. and then drive up to sunset Beach (JP;s parents)
It frustrates me and makes me sad that we have to leave before our months rent is up.,. but its gotta happen
and then I will stay a night or two with him
and hten drive over to Augusta.. fly out on the 20th.
While I am at home, I will decide whether or not I will pack for San Jose or to come back home after I am in Seattle.
I am going to babysit for my aunt (well.. her kids) for about a week or so .. walk her kids to school.. play with them on one of the days her kids have off school.. and a lot of free time during the dAy day...
and from there.. I am not sure what I am going to do..
I COULD go to San Jose to nanny for my uncle and his daughter for however long it needs to be until i can get on my feet again. From there I could stay for a LONG time.. or I could go down to Naples and meet with JP and find a job down there... or find a job in San Jose and stil nanny in between my job...
OR
I could chance it and go back to Hendersonville and see if WCCA Head Start will hire me again..
Granted.. I was not that happy when i was there last time, but at least this time i know what i am getting into.. wont have THAT high of expectations.. and know that i would rather live in Asheville than in Hendersonville..

why is life so complicated.
there are too many options.. too many opportunities out there.. how do i know whats right? i dont want to jump into something and then a week or two later realize i made a mistake..

why do i have to think so much
why cant i just take life as it comes
let it be

2010-09-26T10:11:00.002-05:00

I keep swinging back and forth between being discouraged that i dont have a job... and no prospects..
to telling myself to enjoy what i have while i have it
I mean.. not many people are able to live in Florida.. on the beach!
but I cant keep it up if i dont have any money coming in
but then again i only got here Thursday.. started applying to places Thursday..
and Friday
and now it the weekend
so there is still hope i guess...
its just the more time stretches on, the more frustrated i get. until i remind myself of reality... its the weekend.. no one is going to hire or even look at their email on the weekend.. weekend is for play.. so ENJOY MYSELF..

I just want confirmation that we will have money coming in.. the promise ofsuch thing.. so that I can buy some actual food rather than live off ramen noodles and our dwindling coupons for free slurpees from 7-11

our time will come

2010-09-24T16:04:00.003-05:00

HELLO!
HELLO!
HELLO!
HEre i am again!
In Florida.
Singer Island, actually! Just steps from the beach
I love it
i really do
its 700 per month.. its month to month lease.. which is good because neither of us have a job right now.. nor do we really have any prospects.
I set up an account on care.com to be a nanny.. in case nothing else works.
I would LOVE to be a nanny actually.
But also I would love to be a preschool teacher.. or work at the Zoo.. or the Children's Museum.. or a Wildlife Sanctuary type thing.
Time will tell
I was so excited about getting this place... it allows pets.
and I have been craving a kitty for sooo long (not to eat of course.. but to play with)
Pet therapy.
something to love and cuddle with and to spend money on because you need to feed it.. toys to play with it.. and all that other jazz.. which i am prepared for... once I get a job

I have done so much all my life for so many people. out of the goodness of my heart. trusting people. believing in people. telling myself that they REALLY ARE good people.. despite what other people say.. and i get manipulated.. stepped on.. etc.
Karma never seems to come back my way.

And so many people are offering me places.. opportunities..
my aunt in the Seattle area.. shes a cop now! :) She used to do so much for me when I was younger! I do wish that I could spend more time with her, because the last time i was at her place some complications ensued and I fear she got the wrong image of me.
and up in Hendersonville I still have Carina waiting.. I would sooooo love to move back.. be HER nanny... and still wish beyond wishes that i had the funds and the confidence in myself (and the economy) to buy the business from her...

but yes
here i am
in our little apartment
on the beach
pouring rain and windy as crazy outside.. but walking out on the balcony it still quite warm outside.. the rain and the wind is warming.
less than $100 in my bank account.. but at least we dont have to pay rent for the rest of the month.. and we have some ramen noodles and half a box of Capn Crunch.. and each other
and even if we dont find a job, at least we got to live on the beach in Florida!
We will just move home.. or I will go to Jody or Carina
but he DOES 100% have a job come December on the other side of Florida.. int he Everglades... so once mid November comes we might move over to the other side and share a house.. the two of us and his co-worker.. which will allow us to have a slight upgrade in quality and less pricey because it will be between 3 people (or 4 depending on if he has his girlfriend with him or not)
time will tell
i need to go do some painting (art therapy)
:)

2010-06-08T16:40:00.002-05:00

Well.. No one showed.. no one called...
except sunday morning to tell me that the girl that was supposed to be there at 4:30 n the morning was late and tehy needed me t o come in RIGHT AWAY (it was 5:45)
so i did.
And moneys going down
and motivations still lagging ... as are the smiles..
and june 21st cant come soon enough.. more work!! Summer camp@!! kids!! activities!! singing field trips!!
and more money
because
literally
i am lowest i have ever been
and it makes me irritable
and the prozac needs to start kicking in because i want to feel it again
it.. meaning.. happy? motivated? less of that.. more of that? i dont know
but i did get NetFlix from my parents':)
And and
and
and
he got me paints :) and a big sketchbook for painting in.. and a new nice pencil.. and oooooo
I have been painting every day.
sometimes we do collaboration paintings..
painting is such a release for me
the best thing he could have gotten for me
i love i love i love it
and i always always seem to get it all over me as well.
:)_
So i am a colorful little thing
little?
no
not little
therpaists.. i had to visit mine today.. i can always tell when he is right about someting .. i get pissed off.. annoyed.. not wanting to admit it
so i clamb up and look away..
F** YOU! ITS NOT TRUE!
but realy it is
:(
truth hurts

i need a book, he says..
"When I say no i feel guilty: by Manuel Smith.
so he says.
i cant track it down at a used ook store so i have to amazon it i suppose.

2010-06-05T13:16:00.002-05:00

Birthdays suck
well
lonely ones do
he left yesterday because he had to go on a kayak tour for the weekend.
he is soo good to me now.. really the only thing i have
yes i have people here at work that care...
I wanted to go out and get a drink or five.. forget everything..
I started seeing a therapist last week.. got prescribed porzac yesterday..
obviously it hasn't kicked in yet
well..considering how i took my first dosage yesterday

so i went to the bar.. had a drink..
money situations looking grim so i only had one.. I could have put it on my tab because the lady that owns the bar also owns where I work.. and she cares a lot about me.. I guess..
but i stayed at one
i am bad at asking for help
i had my phone with me.
i could have called anyone that i work with and they would ahve done everything in their power to come out with me
so its really my fault
i knew no one at the bar..
i sat there .. made small chat with some random dude that was there since 4pm..
he tired to invite me back to his boat to have a bbq.. but i refused (obviously)
went home
sad
alone
no call from him.. he sometimes doesnt get service.. so i left him 3 or so messages..
put on a movie and fell asleep within fifteen minutes
and woke up at 7.. not wanting to face the day at all.. but i came to work
and as soon as i walked in the door i was met with "How was your birthday!?!?!"
I couldnt utter a word and went straight to the bathroom to compose myself..
they felt bad
i could tell
they say tehy want a re-try tonight
i guess we shall see

it reminds me of that quote
which so fits me these days..
"People are lonely because they build walls, not bridges"
by John Fort Newton

and i do
i keep people out
because lonely is what im used to .. much more safe and comfortable than putting myself out there..

2010-05-21T16:12:00.002-05:00

Hmmm..

Its 2 weeks to my birthday.
Weird..
Does not feel anywhere near summer.. atleast not today.. and not emotionally..
but I am tracking down a therapist to help talk things out.. its been wayyyy too long since i have had a good chat with a neutral person..
I keep having dreams about going back to the treatment center.. and how calming.. relieving.. releasing it is.. the pressure is off. . I HAVE to eat.. I have people to talk to all the time.. all kinds of moral support.. emotional support.. art therapy. .
He leaves tomorrow for his first multi day trip.. I am not too excited to be left alone for the weekend.. at least I have work for the next days to keep me busy,..
We have been watching LOST.. 1st season down.. and in the process of tracking down the 2nd season.,. I like Charlie. LOVE him.. and John Locke.. I have been drawn into the island .. i never thought i would.. but wow..
it really is beautiful here. surrounded by waters.. the rocky, barnacly beaches.. sprinkled with crabs.. the dark, dank forests.. the ground and trees wearing a coat of soft green moss.. all the boats in the harbor.. the smell o the waters..
but prices here.. wow.. im being wiped out just buying groceries.. it does not help that i am only working 3 days a week so far.. but June 21st the summer camp starts to keep me busy.
until then, I had this plan that i dreamt up this morning.. to send out my resume to MANY places in hopes SOMEONE needs help for a month.. but as i walked in the door to Chuch Hill today I got offered to cover for one of the girls.. She also gave me a bag of new clothes... so I will test them out tonight.. who knows.. maybe something will look good on me!!
Rachel.. my bestst friend from back in the day sent me a package the other day loaded with love, smiles and Sponge Bob towels :) MADE MY WEEK!! !They are the kind you put into water and they grow.. I am doing them one per day.. to spread out the fun.. . I miss her.. too mcuh.

2010-05-11T14:33:00.002-05:00

heyyyyyyyy

things have been slow
slow
slow
I finally did get to work!! 3 days in a row! But still.. very slow at work too..
I LOVED when customers came in! I was even overjoyed to make a coffee/espresso drink fro them when usually i hateeee it
most of the days there were no customers and i ended up wiping down shelves over and over and organizing and washing windows and sweeping and moping and eating jelly beans nonstop

it WAS very chilly.. cold.. and still is at night and in the morning hours... but atleast the past couple days its been nice and sunny and beautiful during the majority of the day
:)
we did some hiking..

and i know things are going to heat up soon.. in terms of busyness...
I only work Saturday, Sunday Monday from 10 til close or so.. and then 4 days off.
We did go kayaking once so far.. he had one 3 hour trip that i got to accompany him on :)
LOVE it!
soon.. more cusomters will come.. it will be busy-er.. and starting June 21st , i will start the summer camp during the week and then Churchhill on the weekends..
soon.. sooon..

2010-04-29T22:30:00.002-05:00

So after spending two days in Wenatchee with my grandparents.. helping around the house and the yard.. seeding, moving huge rocks, digging trenches, whatnot
and I attempted to bakea batch of cookies with all of their supplemental stuff (splenda, egg beaters, skim milk, no vanilla extract, barely enough baking soda...)
each batch of my cookies were different consistancies...
they TASTED amazing still
but was frustrated

and stupid mirror issues after feeeling sooo free and small
and i think a lot of it has to do with traveling.. sitting sitting sitting... eating big dinnner after snacking on little things all day.. and then him not wanting to do anything really..
like
we are in seattle now
we got here around noon. parked the car in front of my uncles place.. took the bus to Pike Place Market, split some really yummy Russian bakery flakey croissant type thing with cheese, eggs and spinich in the middle
and then to Beeches (i think). some cheese place that sells cheese curds and what not and split a crab/cheese/something else toasted sandwich..
and then wehn i offereed to go to the Experience Music Project.. wander down the International District and pretrend like we are in China... wander Capital Hill which is supposedly the "hip/freak/hippie/gay" type people place..
and he seemed jazzed about NOTHING
so we took the bus back..
and laid around until dinner...
came back
and my Uncle went out!! but he is "too tired"/// "too pooped".. etc etc

soooooo
im stuck here
doing nothing
blah
and i cant get ahold of the poeple that i dO know around here to meet up with them at one point..
no one is answering my plea.

2010-04-26T21:00:00.002-05:00

Balancing Rock..

Balancing Rock.. it was shortly after this picture that JPs seizure happened...

pretty :)

Yeah.. I am nottttt good with picutres...

JP "arching at the Arches"

2010-04-26T20:39:00.002-05:00

ha!
America is loong...
loong loong
we drove from mid Kansas all the way to Moab, UT and were EXHAUSTED...
we arrived after driving downa BEAUTIFUL scenic route to find that all the hotel rooms in Moab were booked due to an Antique Car show..
after checking 8 different hotels we found one for $115 which was hard to grasp since we were used to paying 40-60 for a room..
We refreshed in the hot tub.. chatted with some fellow travelers and then decided to drive down Main Street to check out the car show
it turns out that the cars just cruise up and down the Main drag while people crowd the sidewalks, cheering on and taking pictures and shouting..
wow..
I saw rick shaws.. all kinds of funky looking cars that I have no idea what they are (sorry).. a bicycle whose seat was raised nearly 10 feet in the air.. a bicycle that had a motor attatched..
AND
watched in awe as a truck drove STRAIGHT into the main doors of a gas station (we were at a stoplight in the car so couldnt gawk long)

After a sleepless night we headed out to Arches National Park geared up for a day of rock climbing.. the rock climbing shop was closed so we couldnt buy a book to help us find paths so we decided to find some on our own..
we founda few potentials but i kept pushing us on saying we could always come back..
And we got about an hour into roaming the magnificent red rocky sculpture like landscape when JP had a seizure
RIGHT in the middle of the parking lot
with a car RIGHT in front (that was about to turn into a parking spot anyway)
I was unlocking the car and looked up and all of a sudden i didnt see him anymore...
I realized what happened and flipped out (like last time--but this time i knew NOT to call 911 and to just wait it out and make sure he didnt hurt himself)
but wow did he draw a crowd..
this is the 2nd time this has happened.. and last time it was on our way out to Washington at about the same time EXAcTLY a year ago.. in the parking lot of the Grand Ol Opry...
after nearly 2 minutes of his convulsions I was able to help him into the car (while about 12 poeple stood and stared)

needless to say
we did not climb
we did not really get to enjoy our time there.. and he spent the rest of the day sleeping in the hotel room.

oh well.

we are now somewhere near the border between ORegon and Washington.. heading up to visit my grandparents for a night or two in Wenatchee, WA.. perhaps do some jet skiing (HOPE HOPE!!) and munching on some fresh fruit from the hundreds of acres of orchards in the area (except not much is in season)

and then on to Seattle to stay with my Uncle Karl :)
Its always fun with him.. hes always been my Cool Uncle and have had that whole Uncle Crush on him wishing i could find someone like him

and then up to Anacortes to take the ferry through the waters to our final desination..
Friday Harbor, WA
Where my friends at Churchill Coffee will be waiting with tootsie roll pops :)

2010-04-23T20:46:00.002-05:00

3 days into it and im exhausted.. we decided to take I-70 across... through Kansas... Colorado.. and then Utah.. and then up 84
The first day was hard... Sunset Beach to Boone, NC. where him and his best friend got into a HUGE argument and we almost took a hotel room. but i convinced him to go back.. which may or may not have been a good idea... depending on who you ask. but it was a free nights stay... and i do like them a LOT which is why i was sooo upset when they got in the argument.. I love that couple and the girlfriend and i had a much needed talk..

The next day I drove the entire day.. uneventful.. frustrating..

Today is better.. we took turns more..714 miles in one day is a LOT.. much too much.,,

and ive been craving chocolate.. ice cream.. sweets.. and i also have been trying to STOP eating that stuff.. because if i DID eliminate sugary things.. even starting with gummies.. I have a LOT of sugar in my diet i suppose.. i KNOW.. but its all i CRAVE.. especially when i am trying to ween myself off of it

now we are watching a Breaking Bad marathon.. its our show.. its a good show.. a VERY good.. intriguing.. intense..

and im ready to stop driving.
hopefully tomorrow we will be camping in Utah... hopefully make it to Moab, Utah.. we shall see

Hes off everything now.. and we are having a good time again.. hesitantly positive,,

2010-04-20T15:30:00.003-05:00

And as always..
things go as they go

I get upset and sad because he said something that he didnt think would hurt me.. but did.. so i try not to cry.. he sees that i am "crying" and gets mad at me for crying.. "Why the F* are you crying?" and sometimes i am able to get away with it..
but today.. wow.. I get so triggered.. so upset when i hear that ANGER in someone voice towards me.. even if i KNOW they are upset at something else..
It terrifires me..
He is in the dentist now.. he will get out in a half an hour and depending on hpw he is feeling we may go on to Boone (I cleaned the entire downstairs before we left-being PROACTIVE) so all he would need to do is throw his stuff in hte car..
or wait and leave to go to Boone tomorrow

money is a big thing for me.
I do get scared at how quickly my money can go down.. especially when i see that he utilizes what i buy moreso than I do.. and if i bring it up he gets sooooo pissed off.. and lists off all the things he has paid for that i havent added money to..
and so i dont expect to get anything back
its not a fight i want to continue.
when he makes me happy i can be soo happy..
but when he wants to he can break my heart so deeply...

2010-04-17T10:54:00.003-05:00

Well..
things have been going soo miuch better!!
I dont know why.. and i dont know how to explain it.. but i FEEL it
and we are having FUN.. clean fun..
we still have our moments.. our spats.. but they arent as intense.. I dont feel as attacked

We went to AAA to do our TripTix thingii and it turns out the route we are to take is atleast 5,200 miles..
MUCH too long.. so we need to prioritize and figure out how to make it happen.
Or if we want to go the shorter/faster way.. spend more time playing in Yellowstone and Badland and then on the way back when we have more money go the southern route...

we shall see
but for now
i am happy :)

2010-04-14T10:05:00.003-05:00

I feel so removed from everyone... everything...
I thought i knew what i wanted.. I do think that being in Friday Harbor and working at my coffee shop and then the summer camp will be wonderful! i need it.. i need people that care and support and help me feel like me.. and happy... and i commited to be there this summer.. so i have to go
BUT
I have to get there first

thse days have been soo hard
I walked out of the house in tears twice the other day
called my dad and asked how much a bus ticket would cost from Mrytle Beach to Augusta (where my parents are)
and i try to tell him WHY I get so upset
he says im too emotional
but you arent supposed to insinuate that your girlfriend is an imbecile everytime she says something
or get mad when i bring up the money he owes me and then goes on about how he spent this and that and how he never ASKED me to pay for the things i payed for (not directly, but he would have made my time miserable if i didn't)
and how every day since we got back from Florida we have gone on some chase for those things which "make him feel normal" which i dont want anything to do with
and i feel so useless here
i wander around the house.. around the neighborhood..
my ED is doing that stupid cometiion where I need to eat less than everybody-which is hard because JP hardle eats, either because of his stomach problems (acid reflux) or the things that make him feel normal.. and he barely eats and so ifeel like some pig-glutton

and i regeret leaving henderonville so much

Yes, I was lonely.
But
If i do ever have the guts to leave him
the courage
the strength
but i have dedicated nearly 2 years of my life
denied so many job offers
spent so much money
so much time
so much of me
has gone into him
into this relationship
and it CAN work
once again i return to thte song

and the thing i he doesnt understand
he doesn't think hes f** up when he clearly is
He doesn't think he should have to pay me back as much as he should because he was f*** up when he asked for the money blah blah blah
but i truly do love him
i do

but
even if i did end it
where would i start over?
would i go to my coffee shop in the san juan islands where i am loved and accepted,.. even though he will be wokring there?
i just denied 2 Zoo jobs.. and left my teaching job. for him... left Ziggy fun friend.. left so much,.
my heart would break

and the thing is
i coould make it work here.. with him.. because i have..
but Ziggy helped show me again fun life
and various other people too
JP can be fun at times.. but he gives the best hugs. makes me feel safe and warm.. takes care of me...
i dont know
i dont know
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
.....

2010-04-08T20:13:00.001-05:00

I still hate mirrors.
And I have to wonder… IF I did lose a certain amount of weight.. and it was noticeable, wouldn’t SOMEONE comment on it?
Not my parents (Even though I haven’t seen them in awhile)
Not JP (Even though I haven’t seen him in almost a month)
Yesterday was supposed to be our last trip. A 5 hour trip. But he had a mini siezure in the middle of the night and shortly after I came down with the cold shivers and puked for nearly an hour until I fell into sleep talking deliriously to JP who I m not sure if he was awake or not anway.
The next day he had one again in the morning and cancelled the trip. I admit I was dissapointed and he thought I was blaming him or mad at him because I couldn’t go on the trip. I tried to make him see that I was not dissapointed or mad at him.. I was mad at the situation. I hated (and still do) for him to have to go through that.
I had 4 more bouts of shivers and puking. He has had 3 more of his.. it terrifies me. And he doesn’t eat much and everytime I bring that up he accuses me of bringing up food or me getting jelous that he eats less than me. Frustrates me.. because I AM serious.. I did go through treatment 3 times and I KNOW its not good to live off of what he does-especially doing what he does. And yes it DOES mess with my head/ED. I cant help but feel like some pig when I bring out some Wheat Thins and Hummus and he gets excited.. had 4 and is full.. meanwhile I eat what seems like is half the bag and the only reason I put it away is because I am feeling embarassed.
Now Im sitting out here in my hammock.. relaxing in the sun.. trying to tame the voices that tell me, “GET MOVING OR GET FAT” and listening to music about relationships where I question the realities of their bliss. I can imagine that there are times.. but I know ful well it isnt all fun and games.. not all kisses and hugs..
The other day we were out on a trip with 3 french people.. we were talking.. they brought up france.. I mentioned that when I went there all I really ate was french bread and croissants.. which spurred into a conversation about french food. The next day I talked with a lady who taught art to mdidle schoolers. I asked if she had ever finger painted with them. She had did some work in art therapy as well, so I figured she would understand that I was serious.
Later on, JP told me that I needed to stop doing “that” .. what is “that”? ..being childish.. he brought up those 2 examples. I cant help that that is the way the conversations went. He said it was embarassing to him. That’s the way I am. I am sorry. That’s just the way I am.
I have been realizing that he reminds me a lot like my big brother. I don’t know if it has been throughout the whole time or just since I came down.. but his constant criticism of things I do, his tone of voice.. his swearing at me because I’m daydreaming while we are kayaking and I run into some tree branches and whack my paddle. How I can ask him a simple question and he can have that TONE in his answer that’s basically saying “what a dumb question”

2010-04-02T20:19:00.001-05:00

I do not like mirrors. I do not like what I see. And they mess with my head.. (except they don’t just “mess”, they “f****” because its more than just a “mess”)
in fact today.. at the airport I went into one and was completely disgusted by what I saw. I retreated into myself and wandered around not starting at anyone, closed off, cranked my music, refused to buy food/snack even though I was hungry. I just DID not like what I saw.
A little later, I gave in and went to the Grove snack place where you can buy snacks by the pound.. I got gummies and some candied/toffee peanuts.. It came to be $4.09.. I had $3.. so I dug and dug in my bag for change.. was sooo close.. and then all of a sudden I heard a clinging of change hitting the floor. It was too far from me to have fallen from my bag, so I looked around to see if someone dropped it and I saw this table of (hott) guys staring in my direction.. so I picked it up, paid for my purchase and turned around to thank them… kind of wanted to stay, but felt too vulnerable/dumb being me so I left.. on my way back to my gate I checked in the mirror again and (even though it was a quick glance) I had a smile of satisfaction..
Yes.. I suppose it could have to do with the fact those guys helped me out (And WoW all of them were..like.. rugby type guys... looked like they could get ruff, but at the same time almost too “pretty” for me)
☺
and Now I wait.
I got tired of wandering the airport and my eyeballs ache. In 2 and a half hours I will be in Florida.
And I know hes going to coment on how he hasn’t eaten anything. And I know I am going to review in my head every SINGLE bite/crumb I ate and compare and feel like some pig.
As always.
I want so badly to ACCEPT myself.. my body.. And I hate mirrors because each time I look in them I look different.. my belly is bigger or flatter or I am more tan or red bits over my face or smooth skin.. It depends on the lighting.. what happened previously.. who I interacted with and how it went. FAT IS NOT A FEELING.
So I listen to light hearted songs.
So I talk to people that bring me UP and are not emotional vampires.
I do not need emotional vampires. I do not need my soul and happiness sucked out of me.

And I have been craving sugar.. pure sugar pretty much.. in the form of gummi bears, chocolate, gummi worms, strawberries dipped over and over again in sugar..
And I hate it
Because I know what is going ot happen if I keep on this eating plan.
Each night I tell myself I am going to start in the morning eating Cheerios (even if it has some sugar at the bottom of the bowl) and later on a salad-or even a SANDWICH! instead of not eating breakfast/lunch and snacking all day.
I will get it one of these days.. hopefully before my body starts expanding too much..

I am going to miss Carolina.. and I got calls from 2 people I work with/for yesterday giving me good wishes for the future and that I always have a place to work if I come back..

YOU WERE BORN AN ORIGIONAL-DON’T DIE A COPY

2010-04-01T09:45:00.002-05:00

Hello!
Back again!
with pep and vigor
i guess...

So i left it all behind yesterday.. my wonderful job that kept me afloat.. the huggable children..
they had a going away party for me.

how strange, wonderful, sad and frustrating it is that I never realize how much people appreciate me until its "too late"
I live in this world where I see the most wonderful qualities in everybody around me.. I have never met a person I did not like.. i tend to only on the awe and beauty and uniqueness.. I trust.. I dont seem to see the "negavites" and if i i do, the goodness always outweighs..
but when it comes to me.. why would people WANT to be seen with me?
I used to ahve this fear.. back with one of my ex's (my only REAL ex) that he didnt want to take me places because i was so weird.. that he wasn't proud of me.. that he didnt want to be seen with me.. a lot of it has to do with Kyle too.
As much as I loved my brother, he messed with my head in such a way it is so hard to recover.. at times I REALIZE what I am thinking/doing is illogical and untrue, but its so much easier..

Anyway.
ramble on ramble on is what i do :)

Today.
My break from everything.. to a degree.. I get to paint outside in the beautiful sunshine in my swimsuit, the soft Georiga sun enhancing the vibrancy of hte colors as I squeeze half the tube onto my canvas and spread it around and around watching hte colors swirl together.. reds and blues and oranges and yellows and pinks.. until most all of my paint is gone.
Soon i will go kayaking for more think-time
Tomorrow I fly to JP down in Florida. to kayak and relax in the Sunshine State.. then driving up to his parents in Sunset Beach, NC
and then across the county to Washington state.. to Friday Harbor where a job at a summer camp waits for me. .as welll as ChurchHil Coffee and my friends i made there last summer. I look forward to it and am excited!! CANT WAIT!!
btu at the same time i have to stop to remind myself that I wasn't ALL happy there.. just look back in my blogsss!!

I am all about magnifying the happy times and disinigrating the bad times.. if that makes sense..
and I know this road trip will wear me down.. like it did last time.. but I want to make it work.. I want to go to Zion and to Grand Canyon and he has all these wonderful plans and ideas to visit different places but, realistically, I know we wont be able to do all of it.. so i try not to get my hopes up.

On another note.. with all this moving aorund and not being able to stay put.. free-spirit yes.. I am that.. but it isn't all about free spiritedness. People ARE right.. I am running.. constantly on the go.. in life.. even minute to minute it is so hard for me to stay still.. and living in one place for an extended period of time.. yes I get bored with the monotony.. and excited at the prospect of NEW!!
but
once again
as the days close in to the day I leave, things start going uphill .. I start realizing that i CAN make it on my own/in this town..

And.. EVERYTIME i come home
EVERYTIME
I am insatiable.
and its frustrating.
too much food in the house.. too much GOOD munchiness..
when my dad is there I am able to handle it.
I love my daddy :) we snack together... play Wii.. have hte same dorky sense of humor..
I love my mommy too.. but in a different way.. and its so GREAT that shes happy lately!! (even though the only thing she talks about is Farmville..) i love to see her soo happy and chatty and yelling at me from downstaris to log on and check facebook because she found some brown egg whcih If i GET i MIGHT be able to hatch a cottage for my farm...
(:
looveeeee

2010-03-14T18:25:00.002-05:00

and today
i decided
(after doing 2 videos and a 6.5 mile hike)
that i am going to eat
not deny
at least today its going okay
i made DELICOUS dinner
of mixed veggies stir fried with some chicken and curry paste.. mmm..
and stopped by the grocery store to get some groceries.. AND sour gummi worms.. yes i ate more than i would have liked, but hey....
its okay
its okay
its okay
one day at a time
one hour at a time
its going

I want to break out of my comfort zone
but when i am about to.. offered the opportunity.. to spend the night at somenes house (enjoy myself and drink so i cant drive home)/. i stop drinking..sober up quick and drive home.. or chicken out on going OUT and instead opt to play board games .. which is fun in itslef.. but i do know i would have fun going out
and
really badly want to kayak or rock climb or camp this weekend.
Ziggy is going to be gone.. my only solid connection to fun..
i need to think of alternatives..
one day at a time..
things iwll fall into place..

2010-03-14T00:00:00.003-06:00

And as sad as it is
and as much as i hate to admit it

I HATE That i cant be anorexic anymore

i hate it
i hate it
i cant even be..
it used to be so easy
weight used to fly away
and now

2010-03-13T23:29:00.003-06:00

hate my mind
hate my mental process

i know whats right
i know whats wrong
i know mirrors lie
i know my eyes lie
i know different mirrors make me look different
different clothes
different pictures
clothes fit different
and sometimes i can feel light and happy as a feather and within a matter of hours can feel heavy as a dump truck
up and down
down and up
easily crushed
easily excited

i love him so much
i do i do
and yet
when i get off the phone i am left with such a deep sadness
is it because i know betteR?
is it because i miss him?
is it because ...?
and its such a hard thing to think about
because i do love him and i want to be with him soo much and i cant seem to enjoy life fully without him... whenever i am out.. with other people or not.. i am constantly reminded of him..
yet
i also know
honestly
that i am not always happy when i am with him
even though i feel "whole" with him
i also feel the "hole" with him

and the mental is getting worse
food is getting harder to accept
chocoalte and coffee for the most part is what i have lived off of when i was at the Head STart Conference in Raleigh Wednesday-Friday.
those Southern conservatives have such a critical eye.. mean glare.. unaccepting
yet others ..
one guy that worked at a booth came up to me .. remembered me from over a year ago at some concert in Asheville i went to where they closed off the streets for some guy to come play live for free.. and this guy remembered me from OVER A YEAR AGO!
and the night of the banquet.. for Head Start.. over 800 people.. fancy schmancy.. felt so out of place.. escaped early and went along with some other people for a ride to the liqueor store.. finally found one that was open.. passed the bottle.. went back to the banquet with others-once the kareoke and dancing started and i lit up on the dance floor
all that coming home and crankin the music and movin paid off
even the black ladies were cheerin me on!!! i loveddddd it.. i felt so pretty.. so light.. so wonderful

and yet
today
no less than 2 days later
i cant stand looking in the mirror

2010-02-16T13:46:00.002-06:00

:)
happy
Saturday night=happy .. met my new Ziggy. and good old Miguel.. and we ran the town.. bought a bottle and passed it around (though i pretended a lot) and went to an art show because Ziggy had a painting.. and roamed the bars not drinking but playing.. where we light a napkin on fire from the candle.. i got a glow in the dark bracelet from some fun people i met.. then to Ingles grocery near midnight romping through making a racket and back to Ziggys with some peoples to make cheesecake and pizza and I never slept! my mind was too busy

sunday=throbbing brain and need for sleep

monday- no school.. (??-it was a pretty.. sunny day!!) soo i went to asheville.. visited friends in EarthFare.. and went to a couchsurfing brithday dinner and met more new friends!

things are looking up... with work.. with freinds.. with potential for things to do and people to play with after work and on weekends..
reassurance that i am fun.. or can be.. i dont know.. but i love it
and i am happy.
:)

2010-02-12T15:21:00.002-06:00

MY BABIES!!
or rather..
los niños pequeños

they make me so proud. Everyday there is an improvement. Focusing on the small accomplishments..
SHD ONLY CRIED FOR 5 MINUTES AFtER HER FAMILY LEFT!
YAY!
..
WE TOOK HIS BLANKET AWAY AND HE ISNT CRYING FOR IT TODAY!
yAY!
SHE IS STILL PLAYING AND IM ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM!! SHE's NOT MY SHADOW ANMORE!!
.
SHE LAUGHED!
..
SHE put half the blocks awaY!!
she only left one piece of the puzzle out! !
HEr parents remembered diapers!

and they ALL.. all 8 of them learn to wash their hands before every meal.. and remind us lest we forget (sometimes we pretend to see what they will do, and they immediatly step up to the stool and put their hands over the sink and use the universal hand washing motion-they cant reach the sink so they do need our help_
AND they all sit there.. all 8 of them.. at breakfast, lunch and snack at the table, whether they are eating or talking or staring.. they know now that they need to wait until everyone is finished and then one by one brush their teeth and wash tehir hands..
they dont try to get up... they are PATIENT!!
which amazes me for 2 year olds..
and a couple of them give random hug attacks. running at you from across the room and jump into your arms whether you are ready for them or not.
and for the couple that cry every time they come in, and cling to their mother... each day they cry a little less.. and smile and laugh a little more.. i
and i can see their PERSONALITIES develop!
we have a dumper...
he goes to every container and DUMPS the entire thing all over the floor.. slowly.. so you can hear each individual piece hit the floor... and then moves onto the next one..
and we have quite a few who don't like sharing.. toys or their space or their teachers...
and the most beautiful smiles
and one girl who talks on and on and on in spanish and we have no idea what she is saying... we can catch a word here or there..
but we imagine that what it must be like for our parents. (6 of the 8 speak only spanish.. 1 speaks both.. but mostly spanish.. and one is completely english)
one father has 2 tear drop tattoos underneath his eye (i hope the rumors aren't true in terms of what it means..

AND I SO BADLY WANT TO SHARE THE PICTURES BECAUSE YOU CANNOT HELP BUT SMILE WHEN YOU SEE THESE CHILDREN!!
(except when they are acting BAD)

but its a whirlwind day full of tears (though less and less in the morning and more so just before lunchtime).. wiping snotty noses.. singing songs while the children stare as though we are crazy.. and i put on my favorite dancing cd with "twist and shout" and some song they sing about "HOT HOT HOT" by someone and all kinds that make me dance and move and i end up picking up each of the kids individually for an individual dancing "lesson" and try to teach them to shake their bum..but they aren't at that level yet.

and i look at the pictures
and the kids make me happy.
they need me.. they are attatched and comfortable.. *(though someone could EASILY replace me..)
but
i cant leave them
can i?

OH AND LAST NIGHT I WENT OUT!! YAY!!
the freind i had made plans with 4 or 5 times and either weather or his work or something else got in the way..
i finally got to go out! !
we went to eat at some bar thingie (the food was not too good..but I HAD A BEER!! I want to experience life.. and that includes EVERYTHING.. including beer.. even if i couldn't help but make a nasty face every time i took a sip)
and i bought us dessert at the chocolate bar
and we talked and talked
and i loved it
and i LOVED it

and its snowing now
so even though i made plans for sAturday to go to asheville.. we shall see how it pans out..

2010-02-08T19:14:00.003-06:00

it was so hard to come back to hendersonville.
it didnt help that every other song that came on the radio (when I was able to GET radio reception) was somber.. sad..
so i rolled in sunday around 5:30..
after a wonderful weekend away from it all
with my parents
baked a batch of cookies (which my dad and i ate with gusto)
2 loaves of bread (both gone now due to my dad and i)
shared a lovely bottle of wine at a lovely Olive Garden restaurant where my mom had entirely too much wine (and so did my dad.. in fact he kept trying to fil up MY glass of wine just to keep my mom from having more..)
kayaking
old home videos that made me smile.. bringing backa ll the happy memories of life as a child.. of Kyle.. of Grandpa and Grandma.. everyone..
going through my grandma's paintings (TONS TONS of them) --i got a naked man sketch.. hes quite good looking too ;)
warmth. wii.. walking along the Savannah River.. frozen peanut M&Ms.. Cinnamon Toast Crunch.. free laundry.. need i go on?

BUT i did buy a plane ticket to go down to see JP.. the 19th-22nd.
its what is keeping me going

AND i got a text today from a friend in Asheville who asked me to go out with him Thursday night.. but then again this is the same dude i made plans with 3 different times and every time something happened (he had to go to work last minute,.. snow storm...)
but i cant help but get excited

and i want to go out soo bad.. let loose.. get a drink.. meet people.. feel like im worthy of hanging out with

work is going going going.. we had 7 kids today.. lots of snotty noses and wiping food all over the table, chairs, shirts, pants, chins, eyelashes... a couple that cried unconsolably for mommy.. one girl that is a tad too attached to me whereas if i leave her side she starts bawling and wherever i sit down, she immediately climbs onto my lap.. its wonderful to have someone look up to me so much though.. but i am trying to wean her off me at the same time..
love the baby hugs i get (even if they come with slobber or tears..)

2010-02-05T19:59:00.002-06:00

Hello!
LONG TIME!
I went home because its been too long.. what with last weekend being my brothers 2 year death and my grandpa died last week and with the snow storm i was stuck in hendersonville and not able to visit my friend in asheville.
so i wandered the streets., drank coffee and tried to think of things to look up at the coffee shop... waiting for someone friendly to come in so i could chat with them. but no

THOUGH
i did have two 44 year old men buy me drinks/dinner..
one on last Friday (i sat at the bar at an Irish Pub where i was applying to work and this friendly guy started chatting me up beside me. we talked for a good 2 and a half hours.. about love.. about growing up.. about relationships.. very insightful.. i enjoy asking people how they knew they were in Love)
------AND he introduced me to a new drink.. he offered to buy me a drink.. i said SURE! but.. since YOU are buying the drink, i want YOU to choose what I get.. My life is in your hands.."
and he ordered me one called "Chocolate Cake"
and it tasted JUST like a chocolate cake.. (Absolute Citron and Fragelico Hazelnut Liquer.. wiiith a sugar coated rim and lemon wedge

---MONDAY night i was walking out of a bar that i had applied to just as some guy did and we got to talking as we walked down the street together and he asked if i would stop in for a drink with him and that i looked like a needed a good decent meal (..ED bells ring ring ring! "yay.. someone notices the hard work ive been doing".. battled with "LIAR!.. i dont look a thing different than before..)
he bought me a chicken Caesar wrap .. and i ate the WHOLE thing.. PLUS the fries.. AND then an slice of apple pie.. my body was starving.. so was i.. emotionally, physically.. we talked we talked.. he told me about me.. he was like this therapist/fortune teller.. I cannt even BEGIN to tell you the world of things he said to me that WERE TRUE without me telling .. creepy.. but satisfying..
it was mostly nice to have someone INTERESTED in ME.. wanting to know about me.. taking interest in me.. taking care of me.. PAYING for me..
it was a shock.. it was a surprise.. it was pleasant..

and still i go home do the same thing over and over again.. exercise video.. or coffe shop and then video.. and then safe comfort soup and then sleep/movie..
and the weather has been making it so that the kids dont come to school which means that i dont go to to work so i have dayssss of nothingggg to do with noo onee

i got fed up
tired of it all
went home
and im glad im here

2010-01-31T12:58:00.001-06:00

For Kyle...
Explosions in the Sky "First Breath After Coma"

Iron and Wine "Boy with a Coin"
...love it...

Iron and Wine "Dark Eyes"

2010-01-31T12:47:00.002-06:00

so.
today is a GORGEOUS day
which makes it hard to be sad... but as soon as i got on face book it fell ontop of me like a veil..
i sat, literally, in the middle of the coffee shop with tears streaming down my face..
People remembered
posted on my wall.. or on the wall of the group i made for him
and a couple personal messages from his friends..
and amongst all this his favorite song came on my itunes..
how appropriate
I do miss him
andi do wish he could see me now.. how far ive come from the dorky sister he used to know.. would he still treat me the way he used to? would we be able to have conversations? would he support me? what new music and movies would he inspire me to love?

Last night I decided enough was enough.
I mixed myself a drink.. played wii for a good hour or so, blasting feel good music..
Around 8:15 i sucked in my breath.. walked across the street to the bar and sat down..
Sadly.. there was only about 4 people in there so my hopes of meeting someone new and sharing a plate of cheese fries came crashing down
but i wasn't as sad as i thought i would be
i had done it
i had at least gotten the courage to try
and try again i shall

work is going.. slow.. the kids came for 2 hours this past week.. one girl came the whole week.. Wednesday we had three kids and Thursday we had 5. Friday we had none because the water pipes were not working.. which drags over to this upcoming week where our school is closed monday and maybe tuesday too due to no water.
so i am hoping they will call me in to sub for a class because i cant handle another lonely day.

today i woke up.. read for a couple hours in bed. got up.. did some of the videos.. went for a walk in a daze with the sun glaring down so the snow glistened like a million diamonds as the soothing sounds of Iron & Wine flowed through my headphones
and i desperately wish i had a friend to create footprints and messes on the untouched, smooth snow that lay all around me
but i was alone

2010-01-22T16:17:00.002-06:00

I want to go outttttttttttttt
He called me last night from a bar out in Palm Beach... on the beach.. amongst bonfires and a drum circle.. laughing and living it up with a friend.. playing poool and kicking buttt
and me?
coughing my brains out.. doing the same old exercise video.. poppin in chocolate chips..

I want to go out

Today was the luncheon for Head Start.. it was our Christmas Party that was postponed due to snow.. fancy place.. delicious food.. AND I HAD A SLICE OF CHEESECAKE..
and then headed straight to Carl Sandburg house to blow off steam.. walk/run it off.. get some sun.. listen to music.. etc.

My Co-teacher is supposed to take care of the Welcome sign (spanish and english) and the schedule and whatnot because she likes things PRINTED OUT .. rather than hand written..
so i am going to hit up thrift stores to find random fun little items to include/decorate our classroom
Monday we have 2 of the 8 kids.. Tuesday I guess we have 2 more.. and 2 more and 2 more..
until we have 8

Tuesday was WONDERFUL
around 8:3o there was some POUNDING on my door.. i had already resigned for the night pretty much.. in my pajamas.. watching a movie.. I was terrified!! I didnt answer the door.. HA!
I got a call.. it turned out it was my friend!! Who was visiting my neighbor across the hall.. so i went and chilled with them til around midnight.. I LOVE Talking.. chillin.. i felt COMPLETE! made new friends
and since have been half afraid.half hoping it would happen again.. that someone would knock on my door and invite me in.. but no

I need to get crunk
let loose

AND GET RID OF THIS STUPID COUGH/STUFY NOSE/ICKY HEAD..

2010-01-17T11:56:00.002-06:00

insatiable..
is what i feel whenever i am home
because there is so much food
that i am "not alloweD"
so much for a new start...

yesterday was great though.. walked around.. met some people.. chatted with Nicole down in the studio.. met HER new freind.. went to babysit.. set up Skype to talk/see JP.. fell asleep.. on the road at 7:45 to come home..
and
ate
a salad..
but it didnt cut it
so
came
the
cinnoman toast crunch
only 2 big bowls.. not CRAZY.. but considering what ive been eating lately..
oops..

oh well..
i am going to NOT "make up for it" today by restricting..
i am going to ENJOY my time with my family
once they get home from buying a new dryer
ive been here 2 hours.. its 1.. they arent back.. but i still feel like poking around and munching.. even tho i am full..
DISTRACTION

.... ok.. collect books for my new job.. PLENTY of early childhood/play/craft/fun books..
bake them some cinnoman rolls so they can enjoy themm fresh from the oven when they get home..
phone a friend.. (ha)
hmmm..

cant go kayaking today due to the outrageous downpour.. perhaps it will lighten up later..

Fun with Photo Booth

2010-01-16T21:35:00.000-06:00

2010-01-16T10:12:00.003-06:00

:)
babysitting tonight..
home tomorrow
I do miss my parents.. They have been such a big help.. talking.. supporting.. putting up with my tears of despair-giving me alternative views and happy thoughts and defeat and cheering me on when i got my hopes up ... no matter what the support is there.. even if it isnt INSTANT.. and if a phone call went in the wrong direction at any point, i would get a phone call from my dad in a matter of hours.. apologizing or assuring me in some way that he was with me in anything i did even if he didnt necessarily approve (or Mom)
trying not to think/worry about the future.. and what will happen come June/May when JP comes back and the school year is over..
about next fall when school starts up again..
about how long its going to be until i see him again..

I need something to be passionate about.
i need action
i need communication
i need movement
i need something to live for
I used to be so good at going with the flow.. being happy
I need to find that place again.
and focusing on "getting smaller" is NOT the way to go.
but then again.. i cant depend on others for my happiness.

weather has been better lately.. its not QUITE as hard to get out of bed.. and when i get back from work the first thing i crave is NOT my bed..

In fact, yesterday i got out of work.. it was sunny.. I drove STRAIGHT to the Carl Sandburg house and power housed it to the top of the hill in 32 minutes .. up to the house.. around the house.. up the high trail.. up the mountain.. alternated between jogging and carefully walking DOWN the hill (snow/ice made it a little difficult to keep up the jogging) and then once i got to the bottom it was an all out sprint to the house.. down to the lake.. around the lake.. back to the car where i sat for a good five minutes realizing how GOOD it felt.
how i NEVER thought i could do that

I cannot depend on other people to make me happy
I cannot keep on wrapping my mind up in this stupid world of fat/skinny/protein/need to go go go/exercise/shrink/get "better"
I can be "better" by shifting my MENTAL STATE.. NOT my body.
because i know.. i have been there.. i will never be satisfied.. i will never be "enough"..

PATIENCE and LIVING IN THE MOMENT are also things i am going to need to work on.
LIVE IN THE MOMENT
ACCEPT THE NOW
DONT ANTICIPATE/WORRY
LAUGH
PATIENCE
if a baby is sleeping in your arms.. CHERISH that moment.. DO NOT agonize about how "lazy" you are for just sitting.. take the time to calm.. think..

JP keeps reminding me that happiness comes and goes.. it is not necessarily a constant. you can be happy for some of the day and be sad for some.. just ACCEPT the emotion you are feeling.. happy will come again.. I toss his words aside and soak in the sadness
but im coming out (or trying to at least)

Just reading an article from Psychology Today... restating what I have been stating all along..
"The Religion of Thinness teaches us to relieve our current distress by focusing on the fantasy of a "better" body. Those who become trapped in this illusion come to depend on the temporary relief it provides by diverting our attention away from our everyday problems and pains towards a picture of ourselves physically perfected."
SO TRUE
need to replace that illusion of the "better body" with something meaningful..
which leads to questions i have yet to figure out the answer to..

1. WHAT is the meaning to my life?
(??)

2. WHAT do i hope to accomplish in my life?
(my initial reaction: to be happy.. to spread happy.. to live care-free.. to be able to be spontaneous and inspire others to do the same)

3. HOW do i want people to remember me when i die?
(CERTIANLY NOT as someone who is void of life except when it comes to food/eating.. I need to live in the moment when i am with the kids.. not wait for the next opportunity for food/convince myself that i am not hungry/ignore the hunger)

4. What kinds of ideas, activities, relationships nourish me mentally,,, or physically?
(not so sure anymore.. initial answer: SHARING GOOD, NORMAL food with people ((but then again why do i have to SHARE? why cant i have it al?)) being with JP... hiking.. talking to people. .CONNECTING with people.. sleeping..

5. If i died unexpectedly tomorrow/tonight.. what would i regret?
(NOT LIVING ANYMORE.. being stuck in this mindset..)

6. DO i make decisions based on FEAR or on what will help me progress to what i REALLY want in/from life?
(at the moment.. moreso fear than the other.. but ITS GONNA CHANGE!!!)

7. Am I willing to abandon my comfort zone?
(..scary..)

I need a coach.. a motivator.. someone to keep me on track.. i need advice.. stories. inspiration..
.?...?...?..

im just lost

2010-01-13T19:27:00.009-06:00

More of the same ol same ol'
this past weekend.. bliss.. with some tears..
I got to drive down to the beach to visit JP on his weekend back.. he was going to stay til Thursday (tomorrrow) but he got the call saturday that he had to work monday.. which ment i had to call up expedia.. get a refund on the ticket i JUST purchased.. and get a new reservation for him to fly out Sunday..
on Monday he found out his trip was cancelled.. so he easily COULD HAVE stayed..
:(
but we did a lot of laying around together.. watching tv.. staying warm.. reconnecting..
and he introduced me to Jaegermeister.. YUM! i never knew such goodness..
though i havent had anymore since i got back sunday..
just going to work.. training with the babies and toddlers.. they have a new room opening up next door.. so they have been opening boxes with new toys.. setting up the new room.. getting me excited for MY new room.. which STILL i have heard no word on when i get to start putting together MY room-and the kids come on the 25th..
going to work.. getting back.. busying myself.. popping in a kickboxing or pilates video.. or walking down to the grocery store to stare at all the things i wont allow myself to buy in fear i will eat it all at once..
cold cold cold..
but soon to warm up i suppose..
things have been going steadily as they have..
Friday i DO plan to go OUT to the pub across the street for a drink.. to get out.. to try to meet some people.. or at least SOMEONE..
who knows if that will actually happen or not.
i still dream of the day i will get to fly down to JP.. to the warmth.. to the Everglades..
we talk we talk we talk
of plans for the future.. of going to Maine for the summer for him to kayak or back to the San Juans.. i am easy going.. i like visiting/living/experiencing new places as long as i have SOMEONE i know. (JP)
but DO plan on going back to HEad Start in the fall.. MAYBE Hendersonville? depending on how the next few months go and if i make friends.. or maybe someowhere else.
but i dont think i can take another season away from him.
i wish i had exciting news..
i guess i did get recertified in CPR and First Aid..
and I have a job
and people that love me (even though its so hard for me to accept since i have no one HERE with me physically)

OH!!
I do get to babysit on Saturday for Carina!!! :)
I do hope to reconnect with her.. its so weird to not see/talk to her anymore..
i dont WANt to stray away.
i DO need her... i just am so hesitant to call and ask to come over.. i dont want to intrude.. and i have my routine.. my safe/comfort routine..

despite all the exercise videos and eating right i still feel no difference.. though JP claimed i was smaller.. i cant tell..
smiles from strangers do make my day though
and when the little ones at work come and hug me
i always make a point.. whne they wake up from nap i hold them in my arms while they become used to being awake.
i feel more comfortable there now.. taking control more.. getting to know the kids more.. what they like.. what calms them.. what upsets them..
makes me want my kids all the more.. to get started..
soon enough..

2009-12-31T14:23:00.001-06:00

..
and its failing..

2009-12-31T12:46:00.002-06:00

Today is a new day.
soon to be a new year i suppose.
and here i am
still alone
but atleast i am OUT
well.. its only across the street at a coffee shop...
but still .

I am at this point where I sway back and forth quite rapidly.. extremely..

1. I am big.. I need to exercise.. get rid of it all.. thats how i can pass the time.. focus on something that will gain me results.. just stay in my own little safe wold.. where I am out and about.. working or walking until around 5:30 or 6.. come home.. pop in a dance video and attempt to follow them in my clumsiness (falling behind/down too many times to count) or some sort of work out video for a good 40-60 minutes.. then heat up the ramen noodles.. dump out most of all the noodles.. eat/drink the broth.. read until 7:30 or 8.. crawl under the covers.. watch a movie.. fall asleep
over and over.. no threat to my eating.. no threat of being rejected or unwanted or fat or sloozy or whatnot

2. WHAT aM i thinking? you only live once? GO OUT to the bar tonight.. its new years.. at least order a drink if you are too scared to order a real meal.. see what happens.. at least you can say you didnt stay in all night.. At least you attempted.. not that just sitting there is going to get you anywhere.. suck it up.. chat with people.. it has never not worked before.. I AM GOOD AT MEETING PEOPLE.. just not CATCHING them.. just not following through.. if they seem friendly-INVITE them somewhere for further chat.,, stop wearing those same old warm safe clothes.. put on those new jeans.. that new shirt.. rock their world.. you know you can.. you have a job starting next week- Training for 3 weeks and starting the 25th you will have your own classroom of 8 kids.. they trust you. they respect you.. they believe in you.. you are going to do home visits.. advocate for those children.. etc.

now my finds are tight.. i am used to having that $5,000 CD account to fall back on.. but it isnt there anymore.. so if i run out its NOTHING. after i pay rent come next week i am down to $1,000... but THEN AGAIN.. I will be making 9.50 an hour for training (3 weeks.. 8 hours a day.. 5 days a week) and then the 25th i will be making 10.25 an hour when i become the officail teacher and my kids come to me.

its all rather overwhelming.. the trust.. the everything.. since i am the first one they picked.. and i met my boss today and we had good laughs. .i get to help at least SET UP the classroom since she has already bought hte supplies. I want a bubble machine.
there are so many licensing regulations. .rules.. restrictions.. procedures..
but i am keeping optimistic..
went to the library and checked out many books.

now im sitting here in the coffee shop.. lounging on the comfy couch.. hoping someone interesting will come through for me to pull next to me to chat..
i dont want to do nothing anymore.. ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve

I was going to babysit for this family that i gave my number to from the YMCA. 2 days ago they were still considering.. yesterday i never got to talk to them because when they came to drop off their sons AND when they picked them up I was busy reading stories to a gaggle of children and wasn't able to free myself in time to ask.

but i want life to happen again.
REAL bad
i just dont know where to find it.
i used to be so good with people

And I am so scared of being away from JP for so long.. last time i was gone from someone i loved (Kevin) things fell apart.. i need to be near.. i need to feel.. to touch. to hug.. to be assured.. to have fun with..
I was going to buy him a plane ticket to come up and visit next week. but he seems hesitant.. due to $$.. i cant really spare the $300 to fly him back here.. I suppose i can.. but do i want to?
I have helped him out soo much financially in the past.. cant he make an effort to spend a little money to make me happy? if he has to hesitate.. to think.. to pause.. then its not worth it. . . i guess. . .

and i wonder when i walk by the hairdresser.. if when they see some slop walk by (me.. probably) do they cringe and think of all the different things they could do with that person.. or all of the things that are wrong with that person?

and now some little kid sat next to me and started chatting..

here we goo..

maybe he has a daddy...

2009-12-23T19:12:00.001-06:00

soo coold
and alone
and lonely
and same as always
but getting worse
I dont know how i can make it to JAnuary 4th to start the new job.. let alone the 4 months without him

BUT
last night..
after breaking down and crying in the depths of despair for a good 45 minutes.. I popped in some Pilates video.. and started MOOOVING
and felt better.. and then fell asleep
and then woke up.. did it again. . and now im still doing okay for now. cleaned the apartment as much as i could considering how small it is.. saving my grapefruit for a little later.. finishing up my mug of cocoa.. its 12:30 almost and SUPPOSEDLY have a friend on the way from Tuscaloosa.. I got a text from him last night saying he was making the trek today.. after canceling last week..
so
im a little nervous since i dont know him too well..
but happy that someone is willing to hang out with me for a bit :)

I have been calling/texting JPs sister, Amanda and their family a lot the past couple days.. feeling that deep sense of lonliness.. wishing i were there.. they care.. they hug.. they may not DO a whole lot.. but its PEOPLE. .its HUGS. .its "family".. (i did live with them for a good part of this past year..

Everythings closed today.. rains a fallin. .no where to go.. just wait for him to arrive i suppose and pop out the Scrabble :)

JP called briefly last night.. his service is bad so i didnt get to talk much.. but hes out with 5 New Yorkians that are Jewish in the middle of the Everglades and apparently they are quite rude and getting on his nerves.. poor thing.. alone out there on Christmas eve.. more alone than me i suppose since he is with people that dont appreciate him..
i dont know
i want him to come back
anyway
the heater isnt working too well either.. so i find myslef huddled against the heater as much as i can.. pressing the CONNECT button to the internet.. since the connections sketchy.. slow and always kicks me off..
so when i dont have access ot the internet.. thats my connection to the world.. to potential warmth from others.. from researching..
OH!
97% chance i will get to be an actual TEACHER of an Early Head STart classroom (2 year olds) come January.. since she thinks i am sweet, gentle and portray a lovingness that little ones would be drawn to whereas if i were in the 4 year old classroom the kids would be a lot harder to handle
thats fine with me
i would love to have my own kids :)
even if htey are 2 years old

2009-12-21T17:47:00.003-06:00

Today was no good
YMCA was busy with kids being let out of hte house for the first time in 3 days.. lots of fights and non sharing and wildness.. then to URgent care for a physical only to learn there was a 3 hour wait.. so i went to the health center to get the TB test checked off saying that i was good.. no TB for me.. BACK to Urgent Care.. waited 2 hours.. only to learn that they couldn't sign the papers because when i got the card/result from the TB test the lady forgot to date it.. so i have to go ?BACK to the health center tomorrow.. get them to sign off on the date.. go BACK to Urgent care.. have them complete the physical papers.. then back to Head Start to turn in all the papers and complete whatever else they need.. then to work at 3:30..
I was supposed to wrok at noon tomorrow but the girl called, asking if she could take my shift since i took her shift saturday cuz she couldnt get her car out of her driveway due to snow.. at first i said no.. I DO need the money. and then i felt horrible.. so i said she could do noon-3:30..
and then i wandered down to the grocery store to buy laundry detergent.. only to get a call from some lawyers of JP's.. I had to pay a bill for him a couple weeks ago.. but it turns out i read the numbers on the check wrong.. so the check got sent back to them.. so i had to re-read the numbers.. realized that YEs INDEED I AM DySLEXIC.. mistaking a 1 for a 6.. only to learn that they and to add on $40 for the bounced check.. I burst into hysterical tears in the store.. and walked home defeated in the chilly night air..
plus got the electric bill for $85.. and had to pay $50 for the physical plus $15 for the TB test..
money goes down the drain quite quickly
and its getting to me
now am doing my laundry in the machines in the building for $1.25 to wash and 1.75 to dry..
down down down
emotionally.. financially
when is this going to start going uphill? or at least level out?

2009-12-20T19:45:00.002-06:00

such wide mood swings... woke up defeated... got out for a walk.. music brought me up.. made me smile as i slipped, slid and trudgd through the snowy ice.. played with charlie, painted and chatted at work.. came home.. did well at first.. but the nothingness got to me.. got excited-called JP only to have him pretty mch ignore every time i mentioned how i was thinking of him-what i would do to him when were together again... he talked about there-worj, weather, how he had no food.. shut out, let down i got off the phone in tears. went for the voldka and cranked up the solemn music.. and here i am in bed at 8:45 at night..
obviously hes preoccupied... obviously i have no life.. but its hard not to think about how hes content wthout me as he ignores my offer to buy him a ticket to come see m,e and instead he goes on to tell me how he can get 700 for team driving the kayaks up to WA.. and how it would work out if i came the last couple days he was there so i could drive his car back..

2009-12-19T19:44:00.002-06:00

MEANWHILE
paintings are filling up the kitchenas i lean the finished products against the walls to admire and move on...8 total so far..
more to come..!?!?
yes

2009-12-19T18:25:00.003-06:00

again.. snow day.. though it didnt snow..
i allowed myself to lay down.. finish a movie.. and have an actual BREAKFAST..
the plan was to go for a long walk.. take pictures of the snow. hope that the thrift stores were open.. pop into the library to refresh my books and movies since it would be closed tomorrow
I had just reached the end of Main STreet.. browsing through Mast General STore when i got the call to go into work..
disappointed i couldn't go on my planned walk..
that i would not get that exercise..
that fresh air
when it was so beautifully sunny out

but i packed up my paints, my big plywood slices.. my computer.. the library books/movies (the plan was to escape once things slowed to the library.. get rid of old.. replenish the new...)
and i painted away
and painted
and people kept coming as soon as i had my heart and mind set on going.. as i was turning out the lights and closing up shop-2 times.. people kept coming in..
it wasnt all that bad.. i got to talk to people.. i got to socialize to a degree.. i got to work.. i got to paint..
but no new movies.. no walk.. no exercise.. no
and JP is still happy as ever.. at dinner with his co-worker.. laughing and joking
and i still sad and lonely
just one friend
is all i need.. is that too much to ask?
how do i find someone?

i have this plan.. in my hopes.. to suggest to JP that he come HERE when he gets off the waters on the 31st.. supposedly he has a week off.. and supposedly its going to be boring, etc.
so. ,,, why not come herE? play with me.. we can go visit his freind in Boone.. i can have my happy again.
but im also scared to suggest it that he will cross out the idea. "too expensive" or whatnot
i really dont care if i have to buy the ticket..
does it matter at all that i want HIM..
is that such a ridiculous request?

2009-12-18T19:33:00.003-06:00

TODAY
was a snow day
should be a happy day!
snow!
beauty!
snowflakes!
piling up!
time to make snow men.. snowball fights.. warming up with cocoa.. sledding..
but i have this way
lately
of making everything hard
I went to the YMCA for my job.. only to learn that the ChildWatch (child care) was closed.. since SCHOOLS were closed.. so the Y closed their child care..
so
i went back home
got antsy
called JP and started crying by the sound of his voice
he sounds so happy... so content.. so excited about his new job
and that is a good thing
and sometimes i am able to be excited for him
but
all i can think of is how far away he is.. and how long it will be until i see him.. and how much happier he seems now than when he was with me
(even though the reason why he wasnt content here is because he had nothing to do.. and was stressed about going to the Everglades because information was sketchy and he had no idea basically what he was getting into...)
so its obvious that he is going to be happier.. all that stress gone.. now that he knows what hes getting into.. he has a place (before his co-staff was saying stuff like "I think i might have got a place pinned down it may be around 300-600 a month.." etc. so we didnt know what exactly that meant..)
and he lives right on the main drag (which isnt saying much since it is Everglades city.. the size of a postage stamp) surrounded by palm trees.. and always goes on about how hott it is.. the animals.. the kayaking hes going to do.. etc.
and it makes me sad that i dont get to be with him when hes happy
and that im stuck back here in the cold working to get back the money that i spent on him (well.. for the past couple months it had been more for "us" than "him") so that if i DID want to leave.. i could afford it
Too much free time..
in fact i have this quote..

The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

i had the whole day
and keep remembering how nice it was to have him to calm me down.. with him there it was "okay" for me to lay down and watch a movie during the day.. alone.. i dont deserve it.. i guess? .. i haven't earned the right to relax and lay down since i hadnt DONE anything yet...
So.. i trekked out in the snow.. went on a journey.. with shoes that were NOT AT ALL Adequate for snow.. and no jacket only a sweatshirt which got pretty soaked quite quickly..
i went to the ABC store.. browsed the aisles of liquer.. debating on if i should go for cheap, flavor, curiosity, nostalgia or random? i ended up somewhat splurging on a $19 bottle of Absolute PEach..
and then wandered by the thirft stores hoping one would be open so i could atleast buy tennis shoes or a coat.. none were open..
wandered to Harris Teeter for hot cocoa (and free samples)
then to Rite Aid for a back up reserve of cigarettes.. just in case i felt like i needed some quick head rush.. i guess..

then back home
to play Wii Fit..
to watch Candy
Candy
that movie.. reminds me so much of JP and I.. just the way they love each other.. need each other.. rely on each other.. except we are also QUITE different in many ways than those two.. but the point is, i related to it.. i cried.. for me.. for JP.. for the couple on the movie.. for my want to escape in a bad kind of way

then later on i went for a walk in the snow.. at night.. VERY cold.. and wet cuz i had no other shoes.. nor did i have another pair of pants (excpet for my flare jeans which would have gotten even more soaked than the ones that were already wet)
the snow is deep now
it has stopped falling for the most part.. and is at that eerie time of night.. the stillness.. pure white below.. grayish brownish black clouds form the ceiling.. and the town is deserted..

and now im back
and even tho its been a long, lonely day..
i havent opened the drink.. and only 1 cigarette-which i didnt even finish-and it was the "short" kind..

but i still have 2 more days.. Saturday and Sunday.. and my cars snowed in.. and besides that, the Anti Lock Brakes are on the verge of falling apart.. so i dont think i should drive much..
and im stuck
i did stop by the neighbors across the hall to drop off a couple donuts that i bought from the bakery in order to bribe people to come visit (didnt work) .. they are nice.. just chillin, watching Family Guy.. i kind of wanted to stay.. but the overbearing smell of cigarette smoke made me retreat quite quickly

and so tomorrow is another day of nothing
so i paint again
so i Wii again
so i read some
so i watch a movie (If i decide that i am "allowed")

I Want to just get over all of this
i dont know where i turned
i used to be so happy.. so care free
now .. everything seems so ....sooooo,.... hard.. so much work.. so out of reach..
and i keep eating to fill that void.. the sadness.. the loneliness.. the JP being gone.. the no friends.. food is a friend. it is there. it makes me feel good (at first at least) its pleasurable. it fills me up
but really
what i need/want to be filled up with is satisfaction with life.. filled up with friends.. filled up with LIFE..
.......

2009-12-15T18:40:00.001-06:00

i just feel so wholesomely lost
alone
scared

2009-12-15T18:31:00.002-06:00

And just like that
hes gone
for 4 months
leaving me with no supoprt.. no friends..
but hey.. at least i have 2 jobs.. which will change in January when i start with Head STart.. she claims she can promise 5 days a week 8-2 or 3..
but whenever i am in there.. the Head STart i get the strangest vibe.. like confinement..
i suppose i need to give it a chance
i just need friends
but whenever he leaves.. i have no motivation.. no effort left over to try to make friends.
i guess it doesnt help that i am working a lot.. or if i am not i am with him.
and now hes gone
and i have all this free time
and no one to come home to
no hug
no movies
no shared meals or snacks.
instead i come home to an empty apartment.. decently warm in one room.. frigid in the other.. and in the bathroom..

but my parents came Satruday.. dropped off my Christmas presents since I wont be going with them to Seattle for Christmas. :(
I opened them up already... to my joy it was a Wii!! So now i have a Wii.. Wii fit..
which is fun
but
today
no
its not

The studio is fun when people are there.. but the hours are long when no one is there.. YMCA--i go there for the kids.. finding myself attached to them. . looking forward to certain ones.. preparing myself and the room for others.. but no structure.. no challenge.. becomes old quickly

my money is low
due to him and to the stupid emotional vampire that is in jail now and wanted me to bail him out for $2,200.. NO
he has done NOTHING for me but make me cry.. bring me down.. manipulate.. trick.. take my money with NO conscience..

and i wonder how happy can i really be here?
How can i make friends?
If only one of the restaurants will hire me.. that will open me up to a new group of people..
whenever i went in to apply to be a waitress.. there were plenty of people my age.. that acted interested in me.. that seemed interesting..

instead i came home today
had a slice of toast with peanut butter.. called him.. no answer.. grew restless.. had some ice cream.. went to the bathroom.. went on the computer... ate half a box of Honeycomb.. went to the bathroom.. and now
now what?

2009-11-29T20:10:00.002-06:00

Well..
long time.. no post
so here goes
quick recapp
Still working at the studio.. LOVING when people come in.. enjoying cleaning.. organizing.. sweeping.. refilling.. when no ones there.. its like my 2nd home
Still working at the Y in the mornings.. loving the kids.. getting to know them.. their genuine happy smiles when they see me as the door opens.. a couple even come straight to me for a hug before they play.. getting better at setting my foot down-consequences.. making them apologize to each other when one throws blocks at another.. trying to instill the concept of SHARING and if not taking the toy away.. "practicing" for Head Start..
Still waiting on Head Start.. The background check comes in sometime this week.. then the will take me in for a couple days of "substitute" work so they can observe and see if i work well with the kids.. if i know what i am doing
which i do
i am 99% sure.. but still nervous..

And if that doesnt work out i think i might run away again.
New Orleans.. Portland.. Austin..

I just cant be satisfied. i dont know why. I SHOULD be content. 2 wonderful jobs... coming home to my bf every night/day... plenty of time off to do whatever..

And JP has been helping me out a lot in the food department.. i used to be terrified of bagels.. they were what we ate at the treatment center when we knew we had to gain a certain amount of weight by the next day.. so therfore bagels=weight gain to me
even though i used to LOVE them
and now... now he has atleast one every night.. and I started off denying any bites.. and then i started taking a bite when he offered.. remembering how DELICIOUS they were.. now i can safely and sanely take a forth of one..
and chicken dishes.. Hes gotten me to eat chicken again.. we shared a 10 peice of Chicken nuggets the other day.. (i had 2)
hes heling me be more assertive... saying no.. trying not to let people walk all over me.. feeeling good about myself..

but every time i have a day off and its beautiful he has some ailment.. a migrane.. sore from rock climbibng the day before.. etc.

and then there is this emotional vampire.. this guy.. it started off i gave him some money to buy me something.. he never came back.. He promised to pay me back.. he just needed $50 to get access to it and hed pay me back everything he owed.. and in the endd.. no money for me.. this happened quite a few times..
it is sooo hard... because he seems genuine.. he seems sooo soo very nice,.. he makes me laugh.. he made me dinner once.. he actually seeks me out.. talks ot me.. but he pretty much owes me $300..
so i am giving up on him
the last few times we talked all ic ould do was cry because it rips me apart. I want to help him so bad. but emotionally and financially I cant afford it anymore.
he is one that makes me want to run away from here

and the lingering knowledge that soon i will be without JP for 4 whole months.
its the hugs.. the waking up next to him.. the going to sleep next to him.. the way he has introduced me to soo many new foods that i am becoming comfortable with.. the hugs.. the bringing me down sandwitches when i am working downstairs
(He got me to eat a sandwich.. and as stupid/silly as it sounds.. I havent had a sandwitch since the treatment center nearly 2 years ago.. and he got me to eat one.. cheese, turkey, bread and butter pickle and butterbread.. AMAZING)
and just the emotional support.. walking down to Kilwins to share an ice cream.. renting random documentaries from the library which i most always end up falling asleep..
but 4 months
it terrifies me
will we drift apart?
would it really be all that bad?
is that what is supposed to happen?
I dont . I do love him .
but..

and would be happier here in the beautiful NC? or the ecclectic Portland where I already have 2 friends and am closer to MANY MANY more scattered throughout Washington.. near Crater Lake and the Oregon Coast where i Grew up... Or maybe the dirty, crazy New Orleans that I used to live in that is never boring.. kinda scary.. kinda creepy.. bourbon street.. the ZOO!!!.. interesting people.. parades.. random street performers and music.. voodoo and vampires.. near where i went to treatment once so i could do outpatient there... Or Austin.. beautiful.. hot.. warm.. cowboys.. music.. ..

why do i have to continually question and wonder
why cant i just be happy
WHY do we have the right for the "pursuit of happyness"
why cant we just have the right to happyness
why do we have to puruse happyness
many things do make me happy. exploring the city.. walking in the sunshine.. playingh N64 with freinds.. painting ranomly.. talking to new people.. cooking.. baking.. trying new foods.. rock climbing.. kayaking.. browsing.. eating ice cream..

but money brings me down.. losing it.. spending it.. and i can spend all i want on JP or helping out that friend
but i cant buy MYSLEF new clothes.. or my favoprite ice cream.. or rock climbing equipment.. which is another reason why i cant ever go rock climbing with him
cuz i spend my money on rent. food, him, that other guy, gas, gifts for others.. but i cant even buy myslef a harness nad shoes so that i CAN have a day of happyness.. they would last forever and i could go anytime
but no
i cant "afford" that.. but i CAN afford other thigns that are more expensive that arent for me

i need a therapist still
sooner the better.

2009-11-13T18:55:00.002-06:00

hmm..
broken down again
i keep getting my hopes up.. expectations high,.. ready for fun.. nad then something happens and it all crashes to the ground
or i mess it up unconscously
or i get distracted by some other opportunity.. thinking it might be a better way to go because it has better pay.. is more stable.. more directed toward kids..
(I got a call from Head Start.. interested.. I go to visit their school Monday to observe and see if it fits with what i want to do.. then comes hte interveiw.. then etc.)
so..
Head Start.
good pay... good credentials.. solid.. my own group of kids that come by every day.. helping out kids that otherwise wouldnt get the help they needed.. nurturing the kids that dont get that kind of love at home-because their parents arent able due to work-NOT that their parents dont want to...
but i am not good at disciplining children.. though i have gotten better at ChildWatch at YMCA.,, i get nervous when there is another adult there.. thinking they are watching-critiquing-noticing everything im doing wrong.. so much structure.. so much responsibility
... i think i can do it.. i know ican... its only 6-3 or 7:30-4:30d.. $9.50-$11/hour.. 10 months out of the year.. pay for further education
the more i think about it.. it sounds like the smarter route to go

but i will miss the studio so much if i do go that route
the busy days when people come in and i get to sit and chat and mingle and inspire and help create..
and Carina has been sooo sooo good to me
i am not giving up hope yet.
i am just scared that i cant live off of what i will make at the studio.. and no time off to rock climb.. play.. etc.
but i will be kept busy which is what i love.. and i will get to be creative.. talk to all kinds of people from all walks of life and all marks of the totem pole.

then i wonder
if i made a mistake coming here
JP left today after being here a week (?) i think
(to check in on the family.. to avoid having to mooch off of me.. to make some money.. etc.)
and i was all off kilter all day
eating eating eating getting sick
calling my mom and dad for a good 2 hours
crying when i thought of having to wait 4 months when he finally does leave in December

and then i think of Christmas and how i wont get to go to seattle to visit my family (most likely)
and Thanksgiving when i wont have time off to go home beacuse my parents are taking a week long trip to visit my little brother up in New York
and i cant get ahold of anyone i know in Asheville to pass the time this weekend when i actually DO have time off.

i need to learn patience
not to rush things
to enjoy
i dont need to eat all of the cCapn Crunch tonight.. it will still be there tomorrow and taste JUST as good (or even better since after the 1st bowl it is more of a uncontrollable punishment;/gluttonous thing or so it seems)

"Everythings gonna to be alright~Everythings goinna be alright~Everythings gonna be alright~everythings gonna be alright~.."

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery~None but ourselves can free our minds."

"Don't worry about a thing,-'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right!"

......No wonder they call Bob Marley a legend...

2009-11-02T12:24:00.002-06:00

Super excited about the prospect of owning the studio... taking it over... loving it.. working it..
And i would love to keep Carina around to help me out when I needed
money issues scare me
overwhelming

i need to see who has money to spare... to help me.. so i can SLOWLY make my way to owning the whole thing

I can imagine the capacity of work
the hours to be put in
the phone calls to schools and so much more
working all the time at the studio
loading and unloading the kiln
pottery wheel to use at my own convenience..
working with customers.. making them feel welcome.. chatting it up..
networking

pretty much married to the business
but
it would keep me busy
i would get to see it grow with what i do
and have Carina to go to for help when i need it

i cant wait to start working full time
seeing what it really takes
reassure myself that i love it

its just that i will spend years paying off a loan... until i finally pay it off will i begin to actually profit..
but
i want it
badly

i am happy though
living with Carina
i spent soo long on the wheel last night.. centering.. getting messy..
LOVE it
playing with Orlando
always having someone to talk to
a mentor
support system

still waiting for my apartment
waiting to make my life happen
though it is happening now.. i just feel like i am coasting at the moment.. in that timewarp.. holding off..
and for JP to come to me
and
PATIENCE is needed
i love it here
i need to learn to commit.

2009-10-30T07:51:00.003-05:00

WHY am i so attached to him?
I feel so sad and empty...
is it because i am home?
is it beacuse he isnt with me?
Orrr
the fact that the apartment i have my heart set on wont be ready for who knows how long.. the girl cant seem to find a new place to move into.. i guess.. she keeps waiting for credit checks and whatnot to go through.... and is checking on a new place sunday
i just want to move in
i just want him with me
i just want to work
i just want everything to be alright again

and my parents want me to go back to school
and im nervous about this pottery studio thingie.. wanting it bad but scared that its not the right path
keep thinking of how much fun i had wotking at the zoo. and and childrens museums. and how good it felt to work in the hospital as i was working to be a child life specialist
but the zoo- i try.. no one hires me
childrens museums- no openings.. or no one will hire
child life - would have to go back to school.. or at least take a certification exam.. PLUS there is little to no work available..

so off i go
to get my 5,000 out of my CD account at one bank.. deposit it in another..
head to hendersonville to stay with Carina and babysit her lovely little one..
and wait
for my apartment to be open (i have been looking for others but there simply are not any)
wait
to see if i like working with the studio
wait
to see if i can be happy.. or at least satisfied with life

2009-10-27T14:43:00.003-05:00

It was soo pretty up in the mountains
and chilly too
and all of everything came back to me
all the happy times at talisman
the pottery studio
living in Flat Rock
playing it up at the irish bar/pub
the place is so pretty that i might move into
right in downtown.. on main street
just waiting for the girl to move out
waiting for confirmation on the job at the YMCA
going to take it slowly in terms of deciding if i want tot ake over the business
whatever happens happens
i just want it to start

2009-10-25T15:14:00.002-05:00

Soon enough i will be out of here
i am so much more than ready
we were supposed to head out today.. spend the night with a friend of his in Spartanburg so we would be closer for my interveiw and for when i babysit. but the way things went last night i couldnt get to sleep and he wasnt ready to sleep-too busy doing-finishing what he got.
I told him too
i told him that there was no way we were going to make it anywhere because we would sleep too late
which got him mad because that would mean he was wrong.. i guess
but we woke up at 2:30
thats a new record
i dont like living like this.
i almost went home today
but it as already 3 or so by the time i decided.. which would get me in at 8..
and i didnt feel like spending the entire day driving.

2009-10-24T11:37:00.002-05:00

I am soo ready to go
it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.. not knowing what the day is going to bring.. if is he soing to be oka with watching tv.. if he has some scheme. if he is going to pass out on me..
and we stay up soo late.. even though i am past the point of tired at around midnight.. he is NOT at all.. so i try so hard to stay awake to keep him company.. "I wish we had something to do" he would say.. i would think, YEA LIKE GO TO SLEEP

= I AM going to start off with him moving in with me.. but if things dont get better i am sending him back home. I DO need him but it hurts so much and i hate seeing him drugged up and

Last night he passed out at 8, i tried to wake him up multiple times. started crying because i was sick of being lonely. I had no where t go since i was too late to drive home, his parents were asleep upstairs. I was in NO mood to watch tv or read. I wanted HIM.. AWAKE.. so i kept crying.. went back adn forth from the back porch listening to music and back to him. Wishing that when he woke up he would come find me and feel bad. but i knew that when he woke up he wouldn't come looking for me. He would look around.. see that i was not there.. be like "whatever" and go do it again..
so when i finally woke him up he started getting pissed off "Alyways crying, your always crying. what is it this time." and then he locked himself in the bathroom saying he had to go to o the bathroom. I told him he was a liar and to open the door cuz i KNEW what he was doing in there.
He yelled back that he wasn't a liar, sighed that exasperated sigh that means "Im so sick of this/you" and continued doing what he was doing.
i left to go outside
came back in because i couldn't take the thought of him thinking me to be a bitch
so i said "im sorry. i was just upset that you were asleep when all i wanted to do was to spend time with you'"
"TO dO whaT?? this?" he asked indicating toward the drugs.
"NO!"
"Then what? to fuck?" he asked in such a DISGUSTED manner. (making me feel as though having sex with me was the last thing he wanted to do)
"No!... I dont know.. to talk.. to watch tv.. to be with me..."
"Whatever" and he shit the door and continued what he was doing..

later he went out to get one more cuz apparently i made him so upset with my crying that i made him lose one pill and i offered to buy him another..
he came back with a pill for me.. and other stuff for us to share
that is NOT the kind of pick me up present i wanted.
cotton candy would have been nice.. strawberries.. an apple. even a rock ont he side of the road.. but no.. he brought back tjis other stuff as a way of making me happy.
i was too tired to say or do anything.
so i got it over with and fell asleep.

now what?
He has this elaborate plan of going up to the mountains.. staying with a friend in Spartanburg,,. a friend in Boone.. and then Hendersonville on our way home.. but we apparently cant do it without "supplies"" and I had nothing to do with those "Supplies" getting gone so quickly.

a nd hes done so much he pukes all the time
and then when he does get the sense to eat its fruit cups and italian ice and pickles. i try to get it through his head that there is NO WAY he is going to gain weight if he eats those things. heneeds peanut butter. ice cream... etc.

meanwhile
i eat
and feel like shit
as usual

2009-10-23T11:22:00.002-05:00

Decided
after months of hoping
of waiting
of wishing
to get a job down near where he is
i am done
done looking
done searching
done hoping

and am going home
where I am wanted
to Hendersonville again.

He is back to his same old ways... worse sometimes.. better others..
but i think the WORST is that he has me roped in deep now too.
getting me to like the things he does
getting me to feel that rush
and i love it
and i HATE that
and i need to get away
from him?
get both of us away from this house?
I dont know
but
i know I need to go back to where I was last happy
and things are coming together
I have an apartment garunteed once the girl moves out..
some work back at my pottery studio where I love
plus potential work at the YMCA as a Child Care Aide.. with benefits of free usage of the YMCA.
I am going to clean up
do right
live life the way it is sUPPOSED to be lived
let people into my life
talk to people
and if someone wants to show me how a girl is SUPPOSED to be treated
and i happen to fall for him
is that so wrong?

i am ready to leave

2009-09-23T19:52:00.002-05:00

This time.. going back to him was WONDROUS
he was there
the whole time
his sister came to visit for a bit too
we all went to the beach and i played in the waves and played and they knocked me over.. knocked me down.. untied my swimsuit..

Oh yea.. his mom bought me a bikini.
and i actually wore it
and i actually like it
as long as i dont lookin the mirror too long

the beach was soo much fun
the waves were brutal
he came after an hour.. he had to take his dad to the doctor.. and then he came
and he came in the water with me
:)

and every thing he does
every thing he says
the way he looks at me
i can tell
more than ever

and little Taylor came to play
and i LOVE that she cuddles with me on the couch.. or that she made me hold her while we went to the hospital (where we were dropping her off with the grandparents she lives with who were visiting JPs uncle/the grandparents son) and wouldn't let me put her down... and how as soon as she sees me she runs and hugs me to the point she nearly knocks me down

and when i get bored i just walk down to the end of their pier.. crawl up the banister on the end and sit there watching all the boats go by.. wishing i could be on one..
its so peaceful

and we have been watching Breaking Bad. VERY intense show.. its gripping.. captivating.. and seriously.. i get so into it that when it is over.. or we pause it i have to stop and remind myself where i am.. who i am with.. what day it is..

lots of boring times we filled up with fun

and today i woke up so so very sad
which wasnt the best thing.. leaving him when i was sad.. but that was PART of the reason i was sad.

and i feel lazy
but i stil havent done a whole lot about it today

but
HAPPY NEWS
i have a job interview with the Audobon Insectarium in New Orleans October 2nd.
At first i thought it was a phone interview, but it turns out it is a interview i have to GO to..
which isnt necessarily a BAD thing
i just need to recruit someone to come with me
and really..
who WOULDNT want to go to New Orleans?

:)

I am scared to get too excited
scared to get too hopeeful
i have been hurt too much
but i cant help myself

2009-09-16T22:20:00.003-05:00

NOTHING but sad

1. I got a call from ATT wireless today...
when i moved out of the cottage in Flat Rock I left the wireless for Zack and JP.
JP went home and i left the wireless for Zack.
I guess we should have switched it to his name
because today I had to pay $460 worth of internet I DID NOT USE.
and Zack still owes me from when I bought his tattoo... atleast $135
and i cannot get ahold of him.. and he will not call me back

2. no calls.. no emails but rejection emails
I keep hoping.. thinking that the places I applied to are waiting for the applicants to pile up and then they will start with the interviews.. but hope is waning-so is patience and happiness
I grew up beleiving that I would be a good girl
that i would be one of those that would just get a job right out of college.
because i AM smart and talented
but now i feel like a failure
still living with my parents
no job.. low on money.. etc.

3. i miss JP

4. my car is still in the shop.. the FIRST one we sent it to-it sat in the parking lot for a week.. then he teetered with it.. 2 weeks later he decided he could do nothing with it. SO my parents transfered it to ANOTHER place Friday (I would have but I was gone..boy do I love my parents) and THAT place will supposedly have the "diagnosis" tomorrow (Thursday).
It is a good little car
Lasted me though college-PLUS the year before..

5. Kayaking on the river is sooo frustrating because the water is SOO low due to the dams..
It is hard to paddle when every time you bring your paddle up, it is covered in seaweed.

6. Exercise... moving.. eating right
nothing
still look icky
GRANTED it hasnt been a whole long time
but piled on top of everything else.. and the short hairdo
mirrors are hard to look at

BUT
GOOD THINGS

I bought a size 7 pair of flare jeans at Target..
YAY
I like them

I went to water aerobics.. ALONE.. and danced in the water with a bunch of saggy old ladies
LOVE
inspired me to be a swim teacher.. because for the half hour before (i got there way too early out of nervousness) i watched a class of 5 four year olds jumping, splashing, playing, laughing in the water... I want to be that teacher

I wrote down the numbers of volunteer opportunities here in Augusta... the YMCA.. sent an email to the local schools asking what I could do while I was here.. the Animal Shelter (which doesnt have training for another 2 weeks)

NEXT UP

---convince my mom and dad the benefits and necessity of pet therapy.. how it would help my mental/emotional situation at the moment and forevermore
---garter belt
--once my car is done.. go to visit my friend Amanda and take a Pole Dancing class OR OR OR get up the courage to do it myself at the one here in Augusta...

2009-09-14T17:09:00.002-05:00

soo..
home again
after super fun with Emily...
home for a night..
freaking out cuz the car wasnt ready..
dad let me use his car
and i went to him Thursday night
happy reunion
made my worries disappear.. atleast the ones of him being sick of me...
but hes still not well off
too much time on his hands and money in the bank..
there were fun tiimes though :)
that first night was nice..
Friday.. was a dud.. involving going back and forth to the DMV 3 times only to find out he couldn't get a new license (he lost his) because he has to pay a fine from an arrest/something that happened back in 2002... crashed early.. leaving me to wonder what to do for the rest of the night
Saturday.. we went to Taylors birthday party in Myryle Beach at an arcade.. he was out of it-but functional and we were able to play some games.. walk to the pier.. and decide that New Orleans would be a fun place to move... once again he crashed early..
Sunday.. we drove out to Myrtle beach with his mom and sister so they could all visit their uncle in the hospital.. crazy things happened that involved phone calls and i felt left out cuz i had NO idea what was going on.. it turned out little Taylor got to go with us for hte day while her grandparents went to visit the uncle in the hospital.. ANYWAY.. we went to a cool little boardwalk and Taylor and I had a ball feeding fish and finding all kinds of cool little shops and stores and themed restaurants and riding the Pirate Ship ride and then going to JimmyBuffet's Margaritaville.. i mostly hung with her.. but JP did come and walk beside me.. held my hand, etc. .. i drove him to get stuff again... and he crashed ear;ly again..
Today i left.
and even though he passed out around 7 three nights in a row ended up owing me $80.. etc. etc.
I had the deepest sadness.. the biggest urge to turn back
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SOOOOO GOOD TO ME
so sweet
telling me he loves me a million times a day
telling me hes going to marry me
and then does the things he does
and i try to explain to him how scary it is to me to find him afterwards.. or how frustrating and lonely it is to watch him pass out on me.. or nod off with the cigarette in his hand.. or over his food..

but i am still branching out
applying to places far away and near..
anything to do with animals.. outdoors.. kids.. any combination.

more later..

but also
im continuing my mission.. cracking down.. being more serious.. cutting out sugar, etc. eating healthier.. making a smoothie with fruit and soymilk for breakfast instead of skipping.. better better better

2009-09-08T08:38:00.001-05:00

Ohhh times with Emily
GLORiOUS
we puttered around a bit.. but also painted the entire kitchen cabinets and most of the cabinet doors as well.. (along with everyehere on me-NOT neccesarily on purpose..)
and her boat.. which was soooo sooo slow.. a pontoon boat? I dont remember what they called it.. it was nice to be out on the water.. in the sun.. but the slowness aggravated my ADD
then the friends came over.. and then the goat
and then we made booties for hte goat.. put him on the trampoline :) poor thing
.......
more polaris.. more wine.. tons of fun.. but i felt something in the back of my mind.. or down in my heart.. i dont know.. a creeping sadness.. wishing JP were here..
but the people i was with..
wow
they feed me super naturally delicious honey.. Chia seeds.. tons of all this organic herbal stuff.. cuz one of the guys is a herbalist..
and then after our LAST and final ride
Baked Butternut squash that was soaking in butter, honey and cinnamon..
they were trying to get me fat again
the polaris though.. WOW.. rockin rollin.. i am glad i was between the 2 guys because i nearly few off many times but instead flew into them..

but then
today i woke up with a deep sadness
felt like crying all morning.. and after emily left for work i burst into tears... cried JP who was too sleepy from just waking up and who knows what else so he was not very conversational.. i said goodbye, hung up and cried more.. then called my dad to make sure the car was going to be fixed by tomorrow so i could drive MY car to JP thursday.. and he said he doubted it.. i hung up and cried more.. then finished painting the cabinets.. settled down on the couch..
and its all snowballing
and i need to remember the things i read to be happy
gratitude.. even though my hair looks like shit from the incompetent woman who cut my hair the other day.. atleast i dyed it yesterday and it looks semi-ok
iving in the moment.. i love this music... my time with JP will come-even if it wont be til Friday.. its only the "Monday" of this week-OF COURSE people wouldnt have responded to my emails/resumes i sent out on Friday...

then again
some of this music isnt helping
bringing me back to when i heard it.. with JP.. or as a kid.. or in Tuscaloosa..
but then again i DO tend to only remember the GOOD.. and my memories disregard the BAD and SAD..
and the stupid food issues.. body issues.. are not being helped by this haircut.. or that day i got off the treadmill only to find my mom watching the "Top 25 sexiest bodies" or something and immediately all positive body image i had was popped.

Atleast i know now that while riding on the polaris, apparently i make QUITE the interesting sound effect.... which entertained hte boys.. I CANT HELP THAT I SQUEAL and Scream from excitement.. i like things fast and intesnse..

2009-09-07T08:46:00.001-05:00

LOVE
WHAT a fun night!!
Oh wow
Love it here with emily/
AFter hugs and catch up we went over to her friends, Thomas and Matt.
WHERE I WAS TAKEN TO THEIR litter of the cutest little puppies.. and then to their goats..
and then we road on the Polaris/4 wheeler...
THEN went swimming in the pond.. where i got to play and swim and tread and bond and try to catch the animals in the water (i was convinced the bubbles that were appearing in the latke/pond were animals below EVEN tho they assured me the bubbles were just THERE) ...Looking for the Loch Ness Monster.. or other lake/pond creatures..
Later... we were just chillin.. Matt playing banjo.. Thomas playing video games.. and then the wine came
I am bad with drinks.. i drink .. i dont "sip" or "nurse" my drink.. mine was gone in a matter of 5 seconds.. OOPS
so for the rest of hte night i was in this pretty haze.. laughing.. wondering out loud.. watching the passionate sex scene from MR. and Mrs. Smith
and then
all of a sudden
"ALL RIGHT! ITS TIME!"
we went back out on the 4-wheeler for who knows HOW long of intense fun.. i was in hte back sitting on a board in between 2 guys (so i wouldnt fly out) GRAPSING on for dear life to the poles and bars in front of me.. trying to judge when to lift my bum during the huge dips and crevices..
and we stopped a few times.. to let the engine cool.. just chatting.. shooting the breeze.. going on and on abour random.. LOVE it.. miss it.. need it..

Happy?

2009-09-06T08:26:00.003-05:00

Found an article..
i was sad
so i searched how to be happy

1. "The happiest people spend the least time alone. They pursue personal growth and intimacy; they judge themselves by their own yardsticks, never against what others do or have."

SPEND THE LEAST TIME ALONE
in a way, yes thats what i want. I want friends. I want family. I want to be surrounded by those that make me happy.
yet, alone time is essential too.. to clear your head.. to listen to your own music.. to float away...

2. "Life satisfaction occurs most often when people are engaged in absorbing activities that cause them to forget themselves, lose track of time and stop worrying."

Which can be found when I am kayaking... engaged in Wii (Yay for Wii Sports!)... sleeping.. laying with JP... jumping on a trampoline.. board games.. laughing with friends.. hookah.. N64 tournaments.. cooking/baking.. waitressing tables (unless the occasional nasty customer comes along)
books.. i cant even read them very well anymore-in terms that i get ansy.. feel as though i need to be DOING... not just reading

3. "Gratitude has a lot to do with life satisfaction, psychologists say. Talking and writing about what they're grateful for amplifies adults' happiness, new studies show."

I think i do need to make a new list of things i am grateful for.. I know i did that A LOT in treatment.. but its about time for a new one...

ALSO, from 7 Lessons Kids Can Teach Us
LIVINg IN THE PRESENT..
which i am not so good at.. i will admit..
I want to be like a kid again.. live IN THE MOMENT.. not always wanting to know whats next.. and i do tend to hang onto things much too long.. like when JP would yell at me or whatnot for driivng weird or not paying attention to something or crying too much.. I help onto his anger for awhile.. ruminating.. and less than 10 minutes later hed talk to me as though nothing had happened...

SINGLE FOCUS WHILE DOING THINGS
When you are doing something do it,,,, dont overwhelm with all the things you need to do

USE IMAGINATION
Sometimes... I am too good at that

ALWAYS JOYFUL
finding joy in little things.. when i am happy.. in a good mood I am able to do that.. but i find its hard to take pleasure in the little things when there is a dark cloud over my head.. or when i am in that Over-analyze phase/fit.. its hard to snap back out

ABSOLUTE FAITH IN GETTING WISHES FULLFILLED
once again.. I am this too,.. but hesitation lingers.. beacuse I have been there before.. have been crushed before when hopes and wishes were up..

INHERENT GOOD IN OTHERS..
i do beleive that.. yes.. which does get me into trouble sometimes.. but makes for happier interactions until/if that time comes!
\

Well..
now I am off to Emily.. my best friend down in Alabama.. a much needed time... jumping on her trampoline.. laughing.. hookah.. friends.. beautiful room with paint splatters covering the entire wall, floor and ceiling.. "working" with her at her hardware store
and hten home Wednesda night
and then.. JP..

2009-09-05T18:18:00.002-05:00

:(
Im sad
missing him
hating that its a 3 day weekend which means even more wait until i get word back from anyone on a job
im going to Emilys tomorrow for a few days.. excited, yes. but yet that stupid boy wont get out of my head.

I went kayakin with my parents this morning.. loved it!
lots of big fish.. and a fisherman yelled at us even though we made a huge effort to get out of his way.
i love my dad
hes such a dork
just like me
but i miss friends

and why cant i just relax and enjoy what i have now? the no job.. the freedom.. the not having to pay rent (though I do have to pay for my own food much of hte time-even wehn i go with my mom to the grocery store)

and i have been trying soo hard
for soo long
and havent gotten any better.. smaller...
and yet i see everyone around me eating eating eating and no change.. no gain..

i thought i was doing so well..

There is a job in Phoenix that was just posted on the AZA website.. at the Phoenix Zoo.. as the Sleepover Staff.. hosting the parties and whatnot that sleep over at the zoo...
imagine that..
would LOVE it

BUT HE WONT LEAVE MY HEAD
EVERYTHING I DO everything i think.. he is there.. he is factored in.. "I want to take him here on the kayak.. he would LOVE it.." "I wonder if he would move with me to Phoenix.. or just visit.."
I mean, we are taking a break from "living together 24/7"
but how else is the future going to be?
If we DO marry.. wont we be like that?
Yes we will both (hopefully) be working and see each other at nights..
but he was GONE for most of the time during the summer.. and when he was home i was working..

i dont know
i dont know
and i keep spending more and more time with my dad... wishing that i could find someone more like him...
Dorky.. will drink wine at night with me.. is up for adventure almost anytime.. is silly/stupid but doesnt care..

i dont know i dont know i dont know

but i feel like crying when i think of how long it will take for me to get to him..

2009-09-04T22:38:00.001-05:00

2009-09-04T22:28:00.002-05:00

Soooo
tings are slow
life is slow
i do NOT like not having a job
piddling around..
treadmill every morning.. the dreaded 45 minutes..
then tinker around a little more.. dabble with the Wii... run errands with my mom while she talks to herself and yells at the drivers around her and buys 5 million things at the grocery store and uses the self checkout swearing every few seconds beceause it tells her to do something..
then kayak
my favorite time
out there on the water.. soo calm.. soo flat.. soo beautiful.. dont really want to come in at the end of the day.. but i know Dads coming home :)
and then dinner
and i love my daddy
i am most definatly his child
and my mom starts drinking at 5 or so and continues til late and she cant even find the ash tray for her cigarettes..

and then everything i think.. everything i do.. he is factored in somehow
its sooo frustrating
i find a potential job
then automatically
"i wonder if it is a place he could live.. he could visit.. what would he do... is there enough for him around there?"
no matter what the answer is i usualy apply anyway

mom and dad want me to go back to school
they also want me to stay at home with them
sorry...

I just want a kitty and a job and to be with JP
or to travel
why not?
my dad did it for 3 months with his best friend down in South America
why cant i follow in his tracks?
It doesnt even have to be 3 months..

Oh
and went into Wal-Mart for the first time in 4 months
never again
i am totally over it
and ESPECIALLY after viewing
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
i keep looking for those people.. hoping people arent taking pictures of me
America....

2009-09-03T16:49:00.002-05:00

Amazing day

beautiful day

blazing sun out on the Savannah river... not a soul in sight... i was chasing fish.. they were skittering out in front of the kayak trying to get out of the way.. many many Great Blue Herons..

on the way back, I was found a little alcove that i went in to explore... tall tall reeds all around.. and i found a little path in the weeds big enough for a kayak (though i pretended it was for an alligator) and i came to this little "lake" in hte middle of the tall tall reeds

just imagine...
laying back in your kayak.. Greatful Dead's "Ripple" softly playing in your headphones.. Georgia sun warming your face... dragon flies and butterflies landing on you and flittering about in front of your eyes.. mystical-hair-like seaweed all around you... the occasional flower floating in the water..

LOVE

now back to home.. more job hunting.. soul searching.. dream catching..

2009-09-02T14:45:00.001-05:00

Indonesia is looking more nad more interesting.. tantalizing..
why not?